Your blog queen has returned!

     Annnnnd I'm back.  Yeah,  yeah, yeah -- I know that I have actually been back for a while, but whatever.  I returned home December 15.  It was a 7 week deployment and was much harder than my trip through what I called the Tour of the 'villes in 2011.  I never really felt rested, though a lot of that was self-induced.  I split my time between being at a "CAT site" (a dedicated place for people to come and visit) and doing field work (going to people's houses -- or what was left of them -- and helping them inventory the household goods they lost in the flooding).  Being on site had highs and lows of being busy -- we'd go through periods of tons of traffic and not have a minute to breathe followed by hours of waiting for someone to come.  It was not easy to make good food decisions, because you were making those decisions with a group of people.  Plus, meeting people who were going through this horrible tragedy was emotionally draining -- I gradually started being friends with carbs again.  And wine and I, we just got reacquainted.  Many, many, many long talks into the wee hours with my friend Wine were had...  In the beginning, I was making good decisions with my diet*, though I did fall completely off tracking.  But, I was paying attention to what I was eating, watching my portions, and just trying to make good choices.  This did not last long.   It was slow at first, but moving in to the field really sealed my fate in that regard.  It's a 12 hour day and there was a LOT of driving between different appointments.  You never knew how long each appointment was going to be, how bad the traffic was going to be getting there, if there was going to be open places to eat where you going...  (Oh, I was based in Long Island and I was mostly around the southern part.)  I ate on the road a lot and went back to my staples from the 'villes -- almonds and beef jerky and lots and lots of caffeine.  I think I drank even more caffeine this time then I did last year because being so caffeinated really helped keep my appetite at bay.

If you have specific questions about the deployment itself, I am happy to answer.  Send me a comment here or message me on Facebook.  I sent out a series of emails while I was gone about some of my experiences, and I would be happy to share those.

So, now I'm back (from outer space...) and consciously decided that I was going to stay off the wagon and then join the cliche of getting back on track in the New Year.  I do so hate being a cliche, but they exist for a reason.  I have gained about 5-10 pounds since I left.  I know that if I really get committed, this part of it will be "easy" to take off since it is new weight.  But I know that getting committed is where I struggle.  It's probably where you struggle too, right?

What're we gonna do about it?

Here are some of MY plans...

As for me, on New Year's Day, no matter how hung over I am (and I will be, let's not kid ourselves here), I plan to rip off the band-aid and get a workout in.  If the weather cooperates, I plan to do the 5k I marked out here in my neighborhood (mostly just walking -- though in the one, lonely work-out I did while I was gone, I was able to run for most of it) and if not, then I'll be at my gym.  Along with all the newbies who are really, really, really going to do it this time!

I'll also be going back to Fat Church.  I am hoping that my beloved Wednesday meeting will still work, but any meeting this time of year is going to be crazy crowded with newbies.  I need to find a meeting that works with my schedule and has a leader that I like as much as my current one -- harder to find than you think.  In full honesty, the group that goes also plays a part.  I frequently sample meetings that filled with knitting grannies and this is just not the place for me.  I like the ones where the members really should be stopping at an AA meeting on their way home -- like me! (We don't want to quit drinking, we just want to learn to do it moderately.  Or to be moderate enough in everything else that we can still drink...  Or something.)  So, finding a NEW meeting, but going to meetings no matter what.  Getting back on track with Weight Watchers will be a key component in my "recovery."

My plans also include finding a new race to train for.  I'm thinking about utilizing the Couch to 5k Plan so that the next 5k I do, I can run the entire thing.  I'm considering joining the biggest loser challenge at my gym again -- that was a great inspiration to me the when I started this journey and I have no doubt will be again.  If that doesn't work, I will definitely be trolling the groupons for some type of boot camp (though NOT cross fit -- no nervous breakdowns while working out again!) so that I can incorporate strength training -- an area where I really don't feel confident.

I think that's enough for now.  I met a lot of inspiring people while I was on this tour.  One of them bought inexpensive exercise equipment, which he says he does on every deployment and walked the stairs.  Another ran daily while we were gone.  Another also wasn't really on track with workouts, but did make good food decisions on the regular and one of his first check-ins when he came back was at the gym with the tag line "yesterday we said tomorrow and we meant it".  I LOVE that -- that's how I want to approach 2013.  I said I was going to get to my goal weight by my 40th -- and I meant it!

Can't wait to share my journey with you!

hugs,

Heather

PS -- *The use of the word diet in this and every post is intended to mean food choices and not the stereotypical usage of the word diet (or die with a t).  Even when I am actively following the Weight Watchers plan, I do not consider myself to be on a diet.  That's not just something that I say to make people believe I drank the Kool-Aid.  Weight Watchers is just the most effective tool I have ever found to help me be responsible for what I eat and become more moderate.

Also, this is but a small sampling of photos from my trip but for some reason I'm getting locked up and unable to post more.

Deployed

I'm deployed for catastrophe duty.  Day 2 and while it HAS already been hard with diet and exercise, but let's keep it in perspective...








There are a lot of people, in a lot of need.  If I can do anything to alleviate the suffering of even one person affected by this?  Then that's what it's all about.

Stay safe and hug your families.  I'll try to post once we get into a routine, but it will probably be a while.

hugs,

Heather

Saboteur, revisited

Nothing like sending a call-out asking for folks to join you for a dance party and get no response.  Awkward.  :)  Anyways...

Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log.  This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month.  As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target.  Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now.  *sigh*

It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me.  But, who am I kidding?  What am I blaming the universe because it's out there.  ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!")  I'm the one who sabotages myself.   Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:

I'm the one who sabotages myself.

Perhaps a tattoo is in order?  In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror?  Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh.  Even for me.  Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing.  And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them.  This is maintaining.  I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so.  I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time.  Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185.  I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good.  Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!  I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to.  But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up.  I am never going to give up on myself again.  Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?

I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.

I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011.  It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.)  I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself.  This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering.  I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before.  Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that.  Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there.  This is really old weight that I'm losing now.  Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping.  But I will get there.  

                                However long it takes.

hugs,

Heather

Dance parties

You want to know the best way to unwind? Dancing. A little. A lot. It's good. I went out for a short time and got bit by the bug. Wouldn't it be fun to go somewhere and dance to all the stuff that WE came of age dancing to?! Late 80's thru early 00's before we had kids and furry kids and opinions and grown up jobs and lives...

Lets find a date and a place and let's have a dance-a-thon like back in high school!!!
Who.
    Is.
        In??

We can call it Dance a THIN.  :)

What I have found is that when I am at home and dancing by myself, and this happens more than you think, that what I am really doing is incorporating a lot of the moves I learned in kickboxing.  It's not really dancing, so much as it's cooler (well, in my head anyways) jazzercise.  I think it would be fun to get a bunch of women together, choose a playlist that we actually get excited about and just dance for a few hours.  Burn off some stress and have some fun

Seriously -- who's interested?

Cuz otherwise it'll be me dancing with myself -- oh, oh, oh...

hugs,

Heather

True Confessions - Fat Church, Food, and Alcoholism.... :)

You know how I frequently refer to Weight Watchers as Fat Church?  Well, I looked through my archives and it looks like I never told you why.  I hope that my more religious readers do not get offended.  I mean NO harm!

I'm sure for the most part it's obvious.  There's the prayer before you get on the scale.  The weekly sermon done by your leader.  (Even the occasional guest pastor.)  The collection is the weekly items they are pitching.  The Bible is your Getting Started Guide and you refer to your various Commandments -- the Healthy Guidelines.  I won't go super sacrilegious and try to figure out who our God is, so I'll wrap up with saying further that WW is actually most reminds of Catholic Church because there is confession!

And this is what inspired this post tonight.  Food confessions!  What woman in America does nohet do this?!  It is the most satisfying thing ever!  There is nothing more that I like than to share with my closest   friends that food confessions.  When I tell them about something horribly decadent that I did and I expose it to another person, it just makes me feel better.  Usually they will share something they did.  Or they'll just say, "I was so HORRIBLE!"  Like having a strawberry daiquiri is the highway to hell or something.  Isn't it great?  Don't you feel so much better when you hear that other people are just as crazy as you?!  Then what inspires me to get active and work harder and do better is these same women that I have shared these stories with will then tell me about all of the awesome active things they did to counterbalance that food weakness.  It's really, truly inspiring.  They will always minimize what they do, but trust me -- it's more than I do before 5 in the morning!

This is what I like the best about good Fat Churches.  They're not all built the same, you know.  It's all about the pastor and the congregation.  I've recently been dabbling with trying to find another meeting to go to.  I usually go Wednesday nights.  But just going to one other meeting and I knew that I just really like the Wednesday night group a lot.  Our leader is really awesome.  She really has been there, she really does understand and she really is an example of what you can accomplish if you just believe (faith!).  She makes sure that we discuss the weekly topic but in a way that really incorporates group participation.  But best of all, she encourages confession -- even if she does tease us a little about it.  We confess some of the more audacious things we have done and our perceived failures and she gives us encouragement to do better, be better and we feel recommitted.  The group has clearly known each and been losing together for a while.  And I confess to feeling like an outsider, even though I've been going for more than 16 weeks.  Granted not religiously to this meeting, but enough so that I keep waiting to pass the threshold and feel like an "insider."

So, in honor of this tradition here is my food confession today...  We had a potluck at work today to honor our friend Wanda who is moving on within the company to even more exciting ventures.  (Good luck Wanda!)  There was so much good food and I indulged in some tastes of everything.  Amazing pork barbecue, baked chicken, pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins -- even I baked!  (Muffins that were 2 PPV's each, thank you very much!)  I calculated my points for everything (ugh, hard confession -- 13) and my BFAW and I walked for a long time after to work off just a tiny portion of our indulgence -- and our work frustration!  (Not truly frustration, after all -- I did just get promoted!)  Then tonight, Scott wanted pizza for dinner and I didn't have the creativity to disagree, so I went along and had two slices.  He DID get me spinach and tomato, like I like but that was 9 PPV's.  And then after dinner, I'm trying to get better about drinking moderately during the week...  (Hard confession -- I have had wine Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  Which means I've only been on the wagon Monday and tonight, but baby steps right?)  Where was I?  Oh, tonight after dinner.  I got the munchies, so I had an apple with 2 tablespoons of sunbutter.  (How much do I LOVE sunbutter?)  That was 5 more points.  Needless to say it was a robust day.  I did spend it trying to make good decisions, but I'd be lying if it feels that way now.  My stomach feels thick and I just feel so bloated.

It's going to be ANOTHER indulgent weekend.  I'm going to be looking for ways to fit activity in between and try to minimize the damage.

Wish me luck, but no matter what I'll confess it all here!

hugs,

Heather

Researching controversial theories

I am about to impart to you, my dedicated readers, a theory which I believe may be considered controversial...  Let's start with an excerpt from a boring research paper.

  There is a cognitive bias known as the halo effect that serves to benefit people who are considered attractive.   People who are seen as attractive are considered to have a greater range of special qualities and abilities – even if they do not actually possess those abilities.[1]   People who benefit from the halo effect have an easier time making friends, getting into good schools and getting jobs.  Being pretty is considered a virtue in and of itself.  But, if there is a halo effect that allows people to ascribe positive traits to someone simply based on appearance, then there must also be a reverse halo effect.  If someone is unattractive, then they are imbued with negative qualities. In America, nothing is considered more unattractive than being fat.  Fat people are regularly associated with stereotypes about gluttony, sloth and greed – thus assigning a morality slant to their extra weight.[2]  The biases associated with these stereotypes are the last acceptable prejudice in America, because obesity is considered a controllable condition.[3]  Further, the bias is so pervasive that even fat people carry this prejudice.[4] 

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- this is from my own boring research paper. So, sue me. Anyways, the reason that I'm sharing this is because after you spend 20 pages and hours of research and so forth, the topic of fat bias tends to stick with you... And here's my theory. I think that one of the things that has contributed to my recent promotion has been the combination of the reverse halo effect AND the halo effect. I was at my highest weight when I started in property. Or at least, heading in that direction, as you know from when I posted this (fair warning: there is a hideous fat picture in this link)... I was pretty confident, but not confident that I was pretty. And when you are a person who is ultimately as vain as I am, even when I am self-loathing, this is a hard place to be. It's hard to think that you're going to be good at anything when you're not even comfortable in your own skin. And I didn't feel like I was great at my job, really, and I didn't feel comfortable that I was going to fit in and succeed and whatever. And the thing is that while success at my job is in large part based on how good you actually are at doing your job, there is also some politics and putting on the show and "dressing for the job you want to get rather than the one you have."

I started my weight loss journey for the last time when I started this blog in January of 2011. From that time, my image has slowly been evolving. People gradually started seeing me differently and, I believe, perceiving what I was capable of doing differently -- not because my own ability had actually changed, but because I was physically changing into something that more closely resembled what was/is considered "normal."

A good friend recently made a comment about someone whom we happened to run into that this person had lost a considerable amount of weight and then she "blossomed." (Good friend, I hope you do not mind me using this story as I am not naming names.) I have marinated on this a lot. Anyone who has lost a bit of weight knows what it is like to suddenly have people start paying attention to you because you look different. It is weird. It is empowering, but it is weird. People want to know what you're doing and get advice. They want to apologize for what they're eating. They want to know what you're eating. But the point is -- they notice you. And while I may have been noticed before in a negative way because of the reverse halo effect, it seems more magnified because the halo effect makes me (in my not-so-humble opinion) more attractive because I have taken the weight off, removed this huge stigma and seem like a committed person. Which in turn, could potentially have contributed to me seeming to be the best possible candidate. Not only because I rocked the interview (again, not so humble) but because I exude a persona of being able to get things done. And whyyy do I exude this persona? Because I have lost 40 pounds. To you, I am physically different and this equates to me being different. But am I different? Did I truly "blossom" or was I this person all along and it's just more acceptable because I look better??

And think about the last line from that excerpt -- even fat people carry this bias. People who are overweight are prejudiced against themselves. Again, 20 pages, there's a lot more data to support this. But suffice it to say, when you are an overweight person, there is someone in your head who is telling you that you deserve to feel ugly and not fit in, et cetera. And to go from being that person to having a morning filled with people coming up and talking to me as their weight loss spiritual leader? I love this. It makes me feel great that people see me as this inspiring person as part of their own journey. It makes me want to be better (see also: WW Weeklies have timely messages) and isn't that good too?

So maybe my promotion was due to the reverse halo effect colliding with the halo effect -- who cares? Halo or horns, the job is mine and I am going to rock it!

Let's end this whole thing with the cute quote I used on the cover page of said paper:

“No diet will ever remove all of the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good but all you could do is run for public office.” – George Bernard Shaw

 hugs,

Heather

I had a bad weigh in...

...at Fat Church last night and I just wanted a visual reminder that what I'm doing IS working, I am trending downward (even if it is slower than I'd like) and I will do this.

Thought for the day

From the WW Weekly: "Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." -- Kobi Yamada

I love this!!

Susan Komen final update

I guess I had a chip in bib and didn't even know it. Awkward! Got this email today:

"Congratulations on finishing the Komen Tidewater Race for the Cure on October 13, 2012. The weather on race morning was sunny and cool, 59 degrees with a north wind at 7 mph gusting to 17.

Your overall finish place was 1209 and there were 2145 finishers in the race. Your time of 42:08 gave you a 13:35 pace per mile."

So, I finished about in the middle, with a time under 14 min/mile and in less time than I thought??? Cool!! And really close to the time I was hoping to do it in. Yay, yay, yay!

I sure hope these NSV's supersede the up I think I'm going to see on Wednesday night!!

Hugs,
Heather

Another 5K?

I'm thinking about doing the Jingle Bell 5k Run/Walk.  It's on December 1.  BFF Tina was like, you just complained about how cold this race was in October and now you want to do one in December?  And since I need to talk her into doing it, so I don't have that awkward feeling I talked about in my last post, I need to get to work on the pressuring.

I just like having something to train for, it gives me the motivation I need to get off the couch.

What's the trick to running in the cold?  Is it the gear?  Layers?  I'm looking for some feedback.

I haven't signed up yet, but I have til November 17th to commit and get my swag.  I like the idea of doing this one because of the costumes but it's also the day of my company holiday party, so I'd be well set up to feel like I earned the party hardy.

That's the post-race update for now.  I thought I'd post a short one to keep up the posting momentum and encourage you to keep coming around to read.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Best. Week. EVER.

5k/Susan G Komen day came at the end of a crazy, amazing week for me. (Cra-mazing?)  The week started with me finding out that one of my work calls had won a contest that got me an official NFL jersey.  I'm not a football fan, as anyone knows, but the timing was perfect and it was all around exciting to have won.

Why was the timing perfect?  Because I had my interview for the Senior Claims Adjuster promotion on Wednesday and I knocked it out of the park -- and got the job!!  The amount of happy dancing that went on was ridiculous -- not to mention the vanity shots!  (The dress is what I was wearing when I found out, not for the interview.)  Right after I found out, I was going down one of our infamous long hallways and my director was coming towards me.  I still wasn't able to tell anyone, but of course he knew.  So I got into one of the little nooks in the wall where only he would see me and did what I can only describe as a Muppet themed silent screaming happy dance.  He was falling out laughing, it was just such a great moment.

But because of the lead up to this and the subsequent celebrating, there was not much in the way of training.  I went to the gym on Tuesday night and that was it.  Wednesday was the night of the interview and I went to WW and found out that I got the 1 pound off that I had just put back on (and frankly will probably be there again this week) and then had a great dinner with Scott and my cousin Mary Margaret who happened to be in town.  At this point, I was already getting feedback that the interview went well and I was pretty sure I was going to get the job, but of course you don't know til you know.  Thursday was the day I found out and there was much indulgence that evening with some of my favorite ladies to celebrate.  And then I didn't want to over-do it last night, so I didn't run then either.  I did do 30 minutes on my new stepper, so I feel like I got a little something in...

And today -- the race!  My husband couldn't be roused, so I had to make the trek down by myself.  I was a bundle of nerves about participating by myself (with 1000's of people, but you know what I mean) and this feeling was just further emphasized when I got there.  As I was driving in I was passing all kinds of pink-clad groups wearing tutus and pink wigs and just generally in good spirits.  I had, obviously, never done anything this size and magnitude and just never really thought about the costumes or just how many people would be there, etc.  Because the amount of people was crazy!  I found the group from my gym, but my awkward feeling continued because I don't really know anyone from my gym.   I don't take classes or work with a trainer or anything like that.  I got there just too late to be in the group picture and even felt weird asking someone to take one for me.  (The shy side of Heather, who knew?)  It was 7:15 and the race didn't start until 8:30.  It just seemed to take forever, but then suddenly it was time and we were corralling towards the corral like cattle.

So many things were going through my head the whole time.  The meaning behind the event and the woman from my gym that I had just met who was in her 5th year of survivorship.  Thinking about how freaking cold I was!  Thinking about how I no longer cared what my time was, I just wanted to be done and say that I was done.  Thinking about women and how freaking amazing we are and how so many have been through so many things and survived so much and how so many have to go through that journey alone.  Thinking that no matter how awkward I was feeling about the whole thing, just proud that I signed up for the thing, showed up for the thing and did the thing.

Anyways, I started the timer on my map my walk app so I could try to track my actual time since I didn't get a chip, but it turned out that wasn't that accurate since we were herded there for a while without starting.  Oh well. Once the crowd started dissipating, I finally got to a bit of a jog and had a decent pace.  It was definitely a combo of walking and running the whole thing.  I just would pick random landmarks and try to make it to one of those before walking.  And then I would pick another random landmark that I would have to start running again.  It was very brisk out.  We ran up Atlantic Avenue for the first half, which means we were blocked from the wind -- but also from the sun.  At the halfway point, we make the turn onto the boardwalk -- into the sun AND the wind.  Yay?  My pace wasn't as good as I had hoped, but I really had let that go.  Sure, my goal was to finish in 40 minutes, but it's not like I haven't broken other goals (see also average loss of 5 lbs per month) -- it is what it is.  I was feeling a bit disappointed but still glad that it was over, when out of seemingly nowhere my BFF Tina was there just as I passed the 3 mile mark cheering me on and taking a video of me coming down the row.  I almost had a hard time staying in stride because I started crying a bit.  I probably would have broken into full out sobbing if I had had the breath.  Thanks BFF, you ALWAYS come through!  Anyways, I pushed through and finished at 46:17.  This is just about 6 minutes faster than the "original" 5k, which means since that time I have gotten my time down by 2 minutes per mile.  And considering how much slacking I've done in the interim and how recently I was even able to run as much as I can, I am frankly pretty pleased by that.  It's true, you really do get better the more you do!

Anyways, it's finally over!  As you see pictured, we had an indulgent breakfast at Baker's Crust -- for the record, I could only eat half that thing -- and tonight Scott and I are headed for celebration at the comedy club and indulgent dinner.  Another note on the pictures -- I am really starting to see some of the changes in myself in pictures.  Especially the post race shot -- I really think this may have been a camera trick, because I do not feel like my legs actually look this good.

The tracking this week?  Not so much.  (Sorry Sherrie!)  I'm allowing myself the indulgence of not tracking again today and then renewing my focus by Monday.  (I'd say tomorrow, but who am I kidding?)

Feeling pretty sassy Thursday night after learning I got the promotion

My small attempt at blinging out 

Neptune with his sexy abs

CJ, one of the trainers at the gym

BFFs

Freaking did it!

Greasy indulgent breakfast -- but note the yogurt instead of hash browns

If you've read this far, you are truly a fan and I appreciate you!  I hope that I am giving you just a little bit of the inspiration that I have found along the way and that I hope to keep finding so I can keep trending in a downward direction.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Balance

I want to be a better wife.  I want to be a better employee.  I want to be a better citizen.  I want to be a better cook.  I want to look better.  I want to be smarter.  I want to sing better.  I want to dance better.  I want to be more humble.  I want to be less humble.  I want to eat better.  I want to binge.  I want to be a runner.  I want to stop caring about running.  I want to take more exercise classes.  I want to lift weights.  I want to sit around and watch tv until my brains rot.

I want to embrace all of these aspects of myself and try to get to a place of balance.

As I mentioned, I'm currently vying for a promotion at work.  I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself about it, and I'm trying to ease up a little.  After all, there are a large number of candidates and only a few slots.  But once I've gotten started with the pressure, it's kind of hard to ease up.  In my mind, I'm running stairs Rocky-style. I'm training for this interview like I imagine people train to take their boards.  (Or that's what it looked like on Grey's Anatomy.)  But I'm really scared.  I really want this job, but again there a lot of candidates and they really want the job too or they wouldn't have applied.  So, if I'm putting all this pressure on myself to get this job, and I don't get it.  Then what?  I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I'm more than a little worried about that.  It's hard to be pushing to get something but also knowing that I might not get it.  I want to be prepared for that contingency, but not so prepared that that negativity clouds my optimism and determination.  And I don't want my optimism and determination to punch me in the gut if I don't get it.

I want to have the balance.  I'm just not sure how to go about getting it.  And ironically, how I'm dealing with this stress demonstrates this balance problem to a T.  It's a combination of over-indulgence and exercise.  I finally bought a full on stepper so I could get some height over the Wii balance board I've been using.  Really felt the burn when I used it on Friday night -- in between shots of the new pumpkin pie vodka I bought.  Only me, right?  This weekend was Scott's birthday, so there was plenty of overindulgence.  But this morning I got up and wogged my 5k in the neighborhood.  (Only 5 days left to train for the Susan G Komen.)

Things have a way of working out.  Whether I get this promotion or not, I still have a job I like.  I am supposed to find out the day before I do the race.  Positive or negative outcome, that's definitely going to give me something to think about for 45 minutes.

Wish me luck and thanks for reading!

hugs,

Heather

APA

Had the mock interview to prep for a promotion I'm vying for today. Had some issues to work out, so I headed to the gym. Unfortunately all of the dreadmills were full, so I was forced to hang with my old friend the elliptical.
45 minutes
500 calorie
3.5 miles

Made that thing my beeyotch!

Monthly weigh in log

So... As you can see, same as 9/1 WI. There are other, er, biological factors that have caused a slight up-turn. But this mostly just me being the saboteur. I'm still down 40 from when I started this journey last year and I couldn't have done that without being accountable. So I will continue to be accountable and we'll continue to see progress.

Hugs,
Heater

As usual, I get by with inspiration from my friends

The previous post was part of a series of text messages I had with my friend Anina... And that was in part inspired by my BFAW Stephanie... And there's also... Hmmm, let's just jump in shall we?

My boss says to me that I put myself down too much. Actually most people with ears say this. I know it's true. I try to exude confidence and security but it is a big struggle for me. I recently celebrated the milestone of officially hitting 40 lbs on the WW scale. As I shared this with a friend, she astutely asked if this milestone in some ways would make it harder for me? Well, yes. It does. Because I have about that same amount to go to get to goal. I am literally halfway there. It's hard not to get scared that I'm going to fall back into being me and just gain it all back.
Which lead to the text portion from last night. My BFAW and I have had lots of extra time to walk during the day since we had been blessed to be on a project that gave us a scosh more freedom. We probably got in 2 miles a day for at least two if not three days. Twice what we can normally do. Gave us a lot of time to catch up - including food confession. And that's when I decided - no matter how ugly it is, no matter what I do I am going to track every single thing I eat and drink from now on. Because at least that way I am being accountable. Even if I'm accounting for gaining, I know what I'd did. Here's the quote from me that didn't get uploaded "I did the right things even when I was doing the wrong things."
And being accountable for tracking is making me appreciate activity more. 40 minutes of stepping while watching The Avengers is better than nothing. Any activity is better than none.

I'm going to try working on the outside in. Get my outside close to that Scarlett Johansson aspiration and work on building the confidence to match that.

And I'll keep trying to keep you in the loop here!!

Hugs,

Heather

Susan Komen!!!!

My shirt came today!! So excited! Can't decide if I should sleep in it or go run tomorrow morning in it. What do you think??

Life is good!

A little bummed not to have time to go to my regular WW meeting this week because I am finally officially at the 40lbs down mark!!

This deserved a bathroom photo to document! Especially since I ca finally wear knee high boots!

Catch up with photos

Not a WHOLE going on in Heather's Fat News...  I've recently been taking some bathroom shots at work, so I'm adding them here for posterity.  Thanks everyone for all of the positive feedback on the red dress.  I DO love that dress and just felt AWESOME in it.  The polka dot was actually a blast from the past.  I wore this to BFF Tina's wedding in 2007 and I can finally fit in it again.  I was feeling super sassy in that too, until someone said I looked like Minnie Mouse.  What?!  

Still trying to get ready for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  Finally actually did the correct 5k I mapped out in my neighborhood.  I really need to run more often than twice a week, but I also need to do a lot of things.  One thing at a time.  I recently started writing a blog post about ways to make work outs fun.  The thing that exercise enthusiasts are always preaching about.  I had this crazy idea -- girls' night out bootcamp.  You get together with your girls and work out to earn activity points (or pre-burn calories, whatever your thing is) to go out and party like a rock star.  An added bonus is a little extra tightness to wear your favorite party dress!  A skew tangent version of this would be to plan activity dates with the girls.  One of my best friends at work (BFAW) and I have been going to Mount Trashmore after work and doing a loop.  And of course, my original BFAW inspires me to go for walks at work all the time.  The bottom photo is just a random shot from the USAA walk.

And the middle torn jeans photo?  Well, that was an old pair of jeans that got torn at the thighs from my fat pushing out...  And now they're too big!  I bought a replacement pair one size down at Old Navy this weekend.  They only had one pair my new size in the style I like in the store.  Which turns out to be a blessing, because they're the slip down style that the young people seem so fond of these days.  My old favorite style is no longer being made.  Boo!  Still, SO nice to finally be down a pants size.  Losing 40 pounds and only down two pants sizes since the journey started?!  I mean, that's crazy right?  I think because this time I'm incorporating so much more exercise than I ever did the last time that perhaps there's more muscle there.  But, things are trending in the right direction -- I was finally able to buy 2 pairs of almost knee high boots.  Something that my luscious calves would never have let me do before!

I don't want to over-sell the things are going great position.  I've definitely been sabotaging myself a lot lately.  I mean, just because you can mix vodka with water by using drink mix packs in doesn't mean you should....  To excess, anyway.  There have been a few slip ups with bags of food and tying them on like a feedbag.  Some remembered, some, uh, not.  I have definitely learned that even healthy crunchy food is still a trigger that I CANNOT have around.  I'm just glad that it was healthy so I could minimized some of the shock and horror I felt when it was over.  It will be a while before apple or veggie straws are here again.  

This week I'm going to work on getting back to basics.  Making sure I get at least 2 activity points in a day, minimizing the weeknight drinking and getting back to religiously tracking.  I'm pretty good with tracking, but I've slipped a bit this weekend and I don't want this to become a habit.  

Huh, I guess more to report than I thought.  I'm off to watch the Emmys -- have a great week!

hugs,

Heather

APA

Had a visit with my friend and old rival the dreadmill tonight. I think I made it my bitch...

Whew!

5k training coming along - link at the top if you'd like to donate to the cause!!

A nod to Norman Rockwell with a Saturday Evening Post

OMG!  I totally want to train for The Great American Mud Fest!!

It's just short of a 5k, so getting to my wheelhouse but it's got a whole bunch of Crossfit like obstacles.  Where would you train?  Who would train you?  SO excited about the idea!

Even though I did too much partying last night, I made up for a bunch of that today.  I got up and once again tried to complete my neighborhood 5k.  This was now my 3rd attempt.  The first time, I posted about because it started to rain and I didn't finish.  The last time I missed the turn and when I figured it out, I tried to circle back but didn't want to circle the whole way back.  Still, I made up almost the whole thing and it was 3.07 when I was done.  I was pretty happy with my time too, all in all -- I did it 43:47, average pace 14:14 per mile.  Well, today I was very cognizant of the turn, but then I was in a really new part of my neighborhood and lost a lot of time looking at the map to make sure I was at the right parts and all that.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that there was ANOTHER turn later, ironically in the most familiar part of my neighborhood -- and that had me completing 3.34 miles instead of 3.10.  My time 48:33 and my pace was 14:30.

Bit of a downscore on the pace, but given that I didn't go to bed until 3 and got up at 8:30 and again, did too much partying the night before -- I think pretty good.  Both times put me well under my first 5k at a finish time of 52:02.

Annnnyways, after I did the run, I decided to mow the lawn for Scott since he had to work this morning.  More activity points, woo hoo!  Then when he got home from work, he swapped out some deck boards and I helped pull a couple of those.  THEN, I got the "bright" idea to take a bunch of the wood debris at the side of the house to the dump.  Which means I loaded a whole bunch of old, wet, rotted deck boards and twigs and so forth back and forth to his truck.  Even MORE activity points!

So, when Scott wanted to have a pizza from one of the better places around for dinner, I felt like despite my partying last night (which I tried to track a fair amount of), I "deserved" the carby treat. I also tracked the pizza (which didn't live up to the reputation entirely) so it's not like I was going off book.  It's just that I really try not to eat this kind of empty points plus thing.  It's just not worth it most of the time.  It cost more points than I really want to spend, for one thing.  And because I frequently eat better than this most of the time, I don't always physically feel good after eating crap.  I can just feel it sitting on my gut.  I think about all of the additional activity I'm going to need to do again to get it off and then it feels even less worth it.

That's all trending in the right direction, huh?  ;-)

hugs,

Heather

by the numbers

Numbers play a big part inside Heather's fat... I hadn't thought about just how much until recently. I have been using my tablet to read my latest book. While playing around with some of its features, I found  all of the pictures stored in the tablet. Turns out they are mostly from this blog. Lots of scale shots, pictures of times from the dreadmill and some random shots I've taken of myself.
If I wasn't sure about my progress, staring at myself at 229 certainly did the trick.
229.
It hardly seems real now. I go through lots of phases of being hard on myself (fully documented here) for the rate of my progress and keeping track of my highs and lows.  It's been a really interesting journey.  I'm pretty focused on it, because I'm getting close to the official 40 pound mark and these "landmarks" always make me stop and reflect.
And now, I'm focusing on the numbers in general. Here are some of my numbers stream of consciousnesses:
 I'm 6 months away from my 40th birthday, so it seems significant that this is when I'm hitting the 40lb mark.  
The last 20 pounds have been much faster coming off than the first 20, but that's also because I didn't start taking things seriously for a while.
I just hit the 16 week milestone with Weight Watchers.  I was feeling some kind of way about this, until I realized that for the most part I have averaged about a pound a week since I started. Well not quite a pound a week, but close enough and really trending in the right direction.

Speaking of numbers, I've been pecking out this lackluster entry for over an hour.  It's time to call it.  ;)

hugs,

Heather

Fat knees means I have a self-esteem problem

It's time for one of my somewhat regular bitching sessions about "being hard on myself."  Usually these sessions are prompted when more than one person makes the comment to me that I am, surprise, being too hard on myself.  And, then I, being who I am, think, "well that sounds like a blog topic."

Because I know that Susan really wants to read about this.  ;-)  (Should I give you a nickname and pretend that I'm talking about someone else?)

So, had a couple of instances of this relatively close together.  One of them was at the crazy party last weekend and then another was with a co-worker.  The co-worker one stemmed from a Facebook photo shoot in which I posted a picture of a dress I tried on with the comment that I liked it but my knees looked bad.  She said I was being too hard on myself.  I really didn't view it this way, I don't like my knees.  Even when I weighed 125 pounds (stupid skinny girl who made bad choices), I didn't like my knees.  I just don't have cute knees.  Is that being hard on myself?  I guess so.  As for the previous one, I don't remember all of it because it was a crazy party but basically she said that I was being too hard on myself and that I was looking good and I should cut it out.

Well.  Here's the more on THAT one. Yes.  I AM looking good.  There I said it.  It's not like I don't walk past reflective surfaces, I know that I look good.  But, I also know that I'm not where I want to be yet.  So therefore I'm only going to keep looking better.  And I don't want to be THAT girl. 

Here's the weird analogy:  my good friend Kiosk is pregnant (yay!) but it took her forever to "pop" and get her baby bump since it's her first baby.  People kept telling her that she didn't look pregnant, she just looked fat.  She's like is this supposed to be some kind of compliment?  This is a baby and I worked my freaking ass off before to NOT be fat before I got pregnant.  To circumvent this, she makes sure that everyone knows that she's pregnant. 

I'm kind of the same way in reverse.  I don't want people to think that I think I don't have weight to lose.  (Yeah, yeah - I shouldn't care what people think.  Go read some other blog, this isn't that kind.) I go to work and out and about and for the most, I try to look my best.  But I do find ways of letting folks know that I'm working on it or whatever.  Does this manifest itself by being "too hard" on myself?  Probably.  I'm working on that.  But it's not going to get but so much better. 

So, here's the thing....  Again.  I DO know that I am looking good.  I also know that I'm going to be looking even better.  I'm excited about the progress and still trying to get there.  I'm reluctant to be over-the-top with my confidence (in person, obviously I don't have as much of a problem here) but I know that my version of that can border on too much self-flagellation.  I'll work on that. 

Oh goody, something else to work on....

hugs,

Heather

Laboring to get back on track

And so now begins the work of reining back in and getting back on track.

Overindulgence weekend is drawing to a close and it was definitely devolving into sabotage. I'm not going to get into all the gory details. But there were definitely a lot of beverages and that means that I'm not sure what all I ate. There were many un-point friendly choices. I hydrated a lot and I definitely think that was important.  But, not enough.  That scale photo from 9/1?  I've got a lot of work to get back there, even if it is new weight.

Yes, the "new weight" I alluded to in my earlier post.  It's weight you've put on in a short period of time.  While losing weight is never easy, this is the easiest weight to take off.  For me, this weekend's weight is new weight.  Last glance at the scale had me at 194.  Now, 190 was something that hasn't been seen as regularly as I'd like -- but 194 was also behind me.  I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  But part of what's going to get me back to "the truth" is knuckling down. 

Step one started today, but as usual with me it was a bit of a clumsy start.  As you know, I'm doing the Susan G Komen 5k on October 13.  I am still working on getting over my outdoor running anxiety.  Today, I woke up and decided that I was going to work on that NOW.  I used Map My Walk and created a 5k loop in my 'hood.  Got dressed and prepared to hit the road.  I decided I was just going to walk the whole thing.  Just so I could remember what a 5k felt like and get acclimated to being outside, blah blah blah.  Less than the half mile mark, it started to drizzle ever so slightly.  Barely enough to be alarmed about.  I was at a part of my 'hood that I have walked dozens of times because it's the path to talk our dog Charlie to the park.  I was going to venture past my comfort zone into heretofore unchartered neighborhood territory...  It was exciting.  Unfortunately, just after I hit the one mile mark (I know this because the nice lady from Map My Walk told me), it started to rain a bit more.  The one mile mark happened to coincide with being near the point of no return.  I had passed the last recognizable spot to make a quick escape back home.  I was going to try to force myself through it, but then I realized -- who am I kidding?  I circled back and jogged/walked the rest of the way home. 

I was only gone 22 minutes and made it 1.41 miles.

Still, it's a start.  I know the course now.  It will still be there in the weeks ahead.  And I will try again.  And I WILL succeed!

I'm tracking again after falling off of that.  I'm thinking about restarting my weekly points today so I can have an easier start.  I'm on the fence about that. 

Anyways, now I'm being summoned to start the rest of my day -- and we're off!

hugs,
Heather

Monthly weight log

While this isn't as much progress as my August 1, that's in part because August 1 was a fluke. I bounced up from that a bit and then got going back down. But, as you also know, I've been struggling with motivation quite a bit. Amway. I'm happy.

APA

And because I know you like photos of my cheesy face. On good old rec island.

Still feeling "some kind of way"

I think the TMI portion is that I'm PMS'ing (and using too many initials).  I really do have that blah, I don't care about anything feeling that I used to "cure" with overindulgence.  One of the only things keeping me from going down the drain is that I keep coming here and talking to you about it.

But the fact is that I know me.  I'm on the verge of a full-bore blown out overindulgence.  I've been teasing it with some festivities over the last couple of weekends, but I've been managing to pull back and rein in.  Not enough to get back on a losing track, but at least enough to maintain.  And when I'm feeling this kind of way?  Maintaining is like losing.  It doesn't feel like it when I get on the scale at WW and get my little sticker with either no loss or, this week's case, a tiny gain.  But in the back of my head, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I know that I should be grateful that I'm maintaining.

I should be, but I'm not.  I'm mad at myself for slacking.  Just not mad enough to knuckle down and do the work.

Yet.

Here's my plan...  Planned overindulgence.  If I don't leave for CAT deployment -- which is starting to look like a possibility -- then I will be heading to an awesome party at my neighbor's house this weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It's going to be legendary and a great place to really revel in an overindulgence blow-out.  There's going to be an amazing amount of food and beverages.  I'm going to get a work out in before the party so I'll be feeling primed and then it's on.  No holds barred.  No tracking, no fretting just pure overindulgence.  Like a rock star.

Sunday will be recovery.  For obvious reasons, I'm making no real plan.  BUT if I had a plan?  It would NOT include beating myself up for the experience, because I'm going into it willingly.  And then Monday, it's getting back on plan and staying there.

This will mean tracking regularly and more faithfully.  Making sure that I get in at least 2 APs a day.  And planning better than I have been so far.  I've been lucky so far because I'm winging it a lot, but now I'm really fully in the "old weight."  (That's a topic for another blog, I think.)  It's going to be even harder from here and it's not gonna happen until I fully get over this hump.

Ugh.  Such a series of downer posts these last few times.  Hopefully I'm going to turn this corner soon and I'll have some triumphant stuff to post again soon.

Wait again?  Well, whatever.  You know what I mean.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Rambling about inspiration

I've had an addiction to weight loss shows for a long time.  I don't watch them often, mostly because they irritate my husband.  It might be because I frequently cry at some point during the shows.  So much so that when I cry during other shows, he'll ask why I'm crying since no one had lost weight...

Ha ha.

But, it's inspiring watching someone lose a crap ton of a weight in hour long segments.  Hearing about all the things that went into gaining the weight and watching the struggles to lose.  Seeing someone find and lose and find and lose motivation over and over again.  It's inspiring because I relate to those highs and lows.  I have them in myself on a daily, weekly -- hell hourly basis.

This week I'm in a holding pattern, as I mentioned in my last post.  On call to deploy down south for Catastrophe duty, and I'm feeling some kind of way.  Here's a post from last year just 13 days in...  I'm in limbo and because of that, I'm a bit frazzled and bored.  And boredom always leads me to overeat.  Add to this I've been feeling like I'm starting to get a cold and it's that time of the month and well...  I'm in a bad place.

So, I watched a weight loss show to get inspired again.  And I'm telling you.  Because these of some of the formulas I have to turn myself around.  I went to a WW meeting today because I thought I might be leaving tomorrow (I'm not).  I made sure to get to the gym this morning and ran/walked for 30 minutes.  I'm still getting trying to prepare for the 5k -- in fact, here's a link to my Race for the Cure page.  I have a very modest pledge goal of $125, so even if you can only donate a few dollars I would be much obliged!

Maybe I'm not getting where I want to be as fast as I'd like.  Maybe I DO sabotage myself.  But, I think knowing that these are problems and taking steps to try to nip them in the bud and not spiral out of control are what's going to help me.

And continuing to talk to you.  So, thanks for reading!

hugs,

Heather

APA

My last workout pre-CAT deployment??

Group exercise and CAT duty departure

Group exercise is something that I have long had mixed feelings about.  It's just so hard when you have no rhythm keeping up with a group staying in time.  It's the reason I don't do group dances like the macarena or the durned wobble that is everywhere lately.  As I was talking to Scott about how much I've been enjoying the aerobic kickboxing class, he made a comparable statement about the classes.  "I was in a groove on my own. And no one wants that."

Exactly.  But, I finally got to the point where I decided that even though I look and feel quite a bit foolish, the foolishness does not in face take away from the exercise.  I'm still getting a work-out, and increasing the work out of my fellow classmates from the laughter.  :)

Anyways, I started posting that a while back.  What's on my mind now is my pending departure for CAT duty.  Last time I was away, I did pretty well with my weight loss journey.  I maintained the 20 lb loss I had prior and even managed to lose 5 more pounds.  It's when I got back that I fell off track.  I was out of sorts from being gone and wanting to celebrate my return.  That celebration was later dubbed the Summer of Love Handles and it took me some time to get back on track and feel motivated again.   I'm writing this as I take a brief break from packing.  I'm feeling anxious about my progress.  My commitment to myself is to focus on maintaining only.  12 hour work days are going to make it challenging to want to exercise and to stay on track with my diet.  Wish me luck and I'll try to stay in touch while I'm gone!

hugs,
Heather