Still feeling "some kind of way"

I think the TMI portion is that I'm PMS'ing (and using too many initials).  I really do have that blah, I don't care about anything feeling that I used to "cure" with overindulgence.  One of the only things keeping me from going down the drain is that I keep coming here and talking to you about it.

But the fact is that I know me.  I'm on the verge of a full-bore blown out overindulgence.  I've been teasing it with some festivities over the last couple of weekends, but I've been managing to pull back and rein in.  Not enough to get back on a losing track, but at least enough to maintain.  And when I'm feeling this kind of way?  Maintaining is like losing.  It doesn't feel like it when I get on the scale at WW and get my little sticker with either no loss or, this week's case, a tiny gain.  But in the back of my head, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I know that I should be grateful that I'm maintaining.

I should be, but I'm not.  I'm mad at myself for slacking.  Just not mad enough to knuckle down and do the work.

Yet.

Here's my plan...  Planned overindulgence.  If I don't leave for CAT deployment -- which is starting to look like a possibility -- then I will be heading to an awesome party at my neighbor's house this weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It's going to be legendary and a great place to really revel in an overindulgence blow-out.  There's going to be an amazing amount of food and beverages.  I'm going to get a work out in before the party so I'll be feeling primed and then it's on.  No holds barred.  No tracking, no fretting just pure overindulgence.  Like a rock star.

Sunday will be recovery.  For obvious reasons, I'm making no real plan.  BUT if I had a plan?  It would NOT include beating myself up for the experience, because I'm going into it willingly.  And then Monday, it's getting back on plan and staying there.

This will mean tracking regularly and more faithfully.  Making sure that I get in at least 2 APs a day.  And planning better than I have been so far.  I've been lucky so far because I'm winging it a lot, but now I'm really fully in the "old weight."  (That's a topic for another blog, I think.)  It's going to be even harder from here and it's not gonna happen until I fully get over this hump.

Ugh.  Such a series of downer posts these last few times.  Hopefully I'm going to turn this corner soon and I'll have some triumphant stuff to post again soon.

Wait again?  Well, whatever.  You know what I mean.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Journey to the Onederland

It wasn't deliberate, but I kind of thought I was going to hold off posting until I could post a triumphant "I made it to the Onederland!" post.  I've been getting so close.  I've seen it on my home scale.  More than once.

But it never stays.  The return to the Onederland feels as elusive as it must have to poor Alice.  And my journey is also strewn with "drink me" and "eat me" taunts.  :)

The Onederland is not something that skinny bitches (er, sorry - healthy women) can relate to.  It is difficult to explain to them without feeling some embarrassment at having to explain that it is a magical place to live where your weight begins with a one.  I mean, even when your weight begins with a one, most women still wish it was lower in the ones.  I will once I get there.

I am concerned that I have a mental block with the Onederland that keeps me from getting there.  I have been actively trying to get to this point since I started this journey a year and a half ago.  Don't despair, I'm not beating myself up for not being farther along.  I own the Summer of Love Handles.  I own all of my journey in between.  It's all good.  But, now I'm close.  Really close.  And I am scared.  Scared I am going to sabotage it or scared I'm going to go crazy in the desire to get there.  Just scared.  When it's been this looming goal for so long and I'm so close, it is really daunting. 

I'm trying to breathe through it.  Just relax...  It will come.  I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and it will come. 

Maybe I need to get back to one of my hot yoga classes...

As I lay WILF*'ing

So, I'm wilfing around the internet, killing time until I can try to get cracking on a work course that was down for maintenance until 3pm,  I found this awesome article on Facebook from NPR about a book on will power -- of all things!

Sometimes I think that if you just pay enough attention, there are pointers everywhere that tell you that you're heading in the right (or wrong) direction.  The article talks about a new book called, creatively enough, Willpower and it's by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  (Here is a link to article on NPR.)  These guys studied willpower, and while it's not something easy to study they did learn that it is possible.  The most interesting thing is that the more you use your willpower "muscle", the easier it is to fatigue it.  So, when you're really going to actively engage it, you should make it for something good because too many uses and it gets fatigued easily.

That's right.  You wear out your willpower muscle by the fact that you are using it.  In a way, this makes sense -- you wear out your non-psychological muscles by using them.  But, exercising them also makes them stronger -- and the same thing goes for your willpower!  Brilliant!  Further, exercising your willpower to do anything will lead to better self-control in other areas of your life.  For example, in one study they asked students to actively work to have better posture for a week.  At the end of the week, these students displayed a greater ability to exert self-control in areas that weren't related then students who hadn't been working on their posture.  How cool is that?? 

The reason that this is so cosmically kismet is because I decided to make last night my first serious attempt at having a farewell to indulgence tour.  Meaning, I went out and kicked it old school rock star style to get it all out of my system and, hopefully, enable me to settle into a slightly less rock star daily life.  My current plan is to take a page out of my inspiring, inspired reader (that was this recent post) and cut out drinking during the week.  Since many of you may not be part-time alcoholics, you may not recognize that this is a big deal.  Let me assure you.  It is a big deal.  This was one of the major ways that I saw success earlier this year -- I had significantly cut back the amount of drinking I was doing on weeknights.  As early morning workouts became the norm, the necessity of not over-indulging became more and more paramount.  Also, my job at that point was not at the stressful as hell level, which it has since devolved in to.  (When you hear that there have been tornadoes, tropical storms, or generally any kind of major natural disaster, just realize that somewhere not too far away there is a property claims adjuster eating cheetos and wine for dinner again and promising herself that tomorrow is going to be the day that she stops this behavior.  And usually, it isn't.)

SO.  This is a big step.  It is NOT going to be easy.  Therefore, the only thing I am working on right now is getting back to the gym in the morning and not drinking on nights when I have to work the next day.  I'm not going to start WW or any serious calorie monitoring yet.  I'm going to exercise my willpower muscle a little bit harder by combining these two things and we'll see how it goes.

I will try to continue to document both my success and failure here.

Still trying to think of a catchy sign-off,
Heather

*PS:  It has come to my attention that WILF is not in the lexicon.  Here is my Facebook comment/explantion:  Technically it's supposed to be WWILF -- it stands for "what was I looking for"? It goes something like this. I go on the internet to check my bank balance. Oh, the check to my hairdresser finally cleared. I'm gonna check Facebook and see what she's up to. What? So and so had a clam bake? I like clams. Maybe I"ll make clam chowder, let me find a recipe for that. Clams are really good. I wonder how much my friend in Boston pays for them. How much are tickets to Boston... THAT is WILF'ing. What WAS I looking for again???? ;-)