Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log. This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month. As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target. Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now. *sigh*
It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me. But, who am I kidding? What am I blaming the universe because it's out there. ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!") I'm the one who sabotages myself. Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:
I'm the one who sabotages myself.
Perhaps a tattoo is in order? In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror? Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh. Even for me. Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing. And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them. This is maintaining. I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so. I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time. Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185. I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good. Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate! I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.
Here's the thing. Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to. But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up. I am never going to give up on myself again. Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?
I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.
I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011. It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.) I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself. This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering. I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before. Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there. This is really old weight that I'm losing now. Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping. But I will get there.
However long it takes.
hugs,
Heather
