Researching controversial theories

I am about to impart to you, my dedicated readers, a theory which I believe may be considered controversial...  Let's start with an excerpt from a boring research paper.

  There is a cognitive bias known as the halo effect that serves to benefit people who are considered attractive.   People who are seen as attractive are considered to have a greater range of special qualities and abilities – even if they do not actually possess those abilities.[1]   People who benefit from the halo effect have an easier time making friends, getting into good schools and getting jobs.  Being pretty is considered a virtue in and of itself.  But, if there is a halo effect that allows people to ascribe positive traits to someone simply based on appearance, then there must also be a reverse halo effect.  If someone is unattractive, then they are imbued with negative qualities. In America, nothing is considered more unattractive than being fat.  Fat people are regularly associated with stereotypes about gluttony, sloth and greed – thus assigning a morality slant to their extra weight.[2]  The biases associated with these stereotypes are the last acceptable prejudice in America, because obesity is considered a controllable condition.[3]  Further, the bias is so pervasive that even fat people carry this prejudice.[4] 

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- this is from my own boring research paper. So, sue me. Anyways, the reason that I'm sharing this is because after you spend 20 pages and hours of research and so forth, the topic of fat bias tends to stick with you... And here's my theory. I think that one of the things that has contributed to my recent promotion has been the combination of the reverse halo effect AND the halo effect. I was at my highest weight when I started in property. Or at least, heading in that direction, as you know from when I posted this (fair warning: there is a hideous fat picture in this link)... I was pretty confident, but not confident that I was pretty. And when you are a person who is ultimately as vain as I am, even when I am self-loathing, this is a hard place to be. It's hard to think that you're going to be good at anything when you're not even comfortable in your own skin. And I didn't feel like I was great at my job, really, and I didn't feel comfortable that I was going to fit in and succeed and whatever. And the thing is that while success at my job is in large part based on how good you actually are at doing your job, there is also some politics and putting on the show and "dressing for the job you want to get rather than the one you have."

I started my weight loss journey for the last time when I started this blog in January of 2011. From that time, my image has slowly been evolving. People gradually started seeing me differently and, I believe, perceiving what I was capable of doing differently -- not because my own ability had actually changed, but because I was physically changing into something that more closely resembled what was/is considered "normal."

A good friend recently made a comment about someone whom we happened to run into that this person had lost a considerable amount of weight and then she "blossomed." (Good friend, I hope you do not mind me using this story as I am not naming names.) I have marinated on this a lot. Anyone who has lost a bit of weight knows what it is like to suddenly have people start paying attention to you because you look different. It is weird. It is empowering, but it is weird. People want to know what you're doing and get advice. They want to apologize for what they're eating. They want to know what you're eating. But the point is -- they notice you. And while I may have been noticed before in a negative way because of the reverse halo effect, it seems more magnified because the halo effect makes me (in my not-so-humble opinion) more attractive because I have taken the weight off, removed this huge stigma and seem like a committed person. Which in turn, could potentially have contributed to me seeming to be the best possible candidate. Not only because I rocked the interview (again, not so humble) but because I exude a persona of being able to get things done. And whyyy do I exude this persona? Because I have lost 40 pounds. To you, I am physically different and this equates to me being different. But am I different? Did I truly "blossom" or was I this person all along and it's just more acceptable because I look better??

And think about the last line from that excerpt -- even fat people carry this bias. People who are overweight are prejudiced against themselves. Again, 20 pages, there's a lot more data to support this. But suffice it to say, when you are an overweight person, there is someone in your head who is telling you that you deserve to feel ugly and not fit in, et cetera. And to go from being that person to having a morning filled with people coming up and talking to me as their weight loss spiritual leader? I love this. It makes me feel great that people see me as this inspiring person as part of their own journey. It makes me want to be better (see also: WW Weeklies have timely messages) and isn't that good too?

So maybe my promotion was due to the reverse halo effect colliding with the halo effect -- who cares? Halo or horns, the job is mine and I am going to rock it!

Let's end this whole thing with the cute quote I used on the cover page of said paper:

“No diet will ever remove all of the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good but all you could do is run for public office.” – George Bernard Shaw

 hugs,

Heather

by the numbers

Numbers play a big part inside Heather's fat... I hadn't thought about just how much until recently. I have been using my tablet to read my latest book. While playing around with some of its features, I found  all of the pictures stored in the tablet. Turns out they are mostly from this blog. Lots of scale shots, pictures of times from the dreadmill and some random shots I've taken of myself.
If I wasn't sure about my progress, staring at myself at 229 certainly did the trick.
229.
It hardly seems real now. I go through lots of phases of being hard on myself (fully documented here) for the rate of my progress and keeping track of my highs and lows.  It's been a really interesting journey.  I'm pretty focused on it, because I'm getting close to the official 40 pound mark and these "landmarks" always make me stop and reflect.
And now, I'm focusing on the numbers in general. Here are some of my numbers stream of consciousnesses:
 I'm 6 months away from my 40th birthday, so it seems significant that this is when I'm hitting the 40lb mark.  
The last 20 pounds have been much faster coming off than the first 20, but that's also because I didn't start taking things seriously for a while.
I just hit the 16 week milestone with Weight Watchers.  I was feeling some kind of way about this, until I realized that for the most part I have averaged about a pound a week since I started. Well not quite a pound a week, but close enough and really trending in the right direction.

Speaking of numbers, I've been pecking out this lackluster entry for over an hour.  It's time to call it.  ;)

hugs,

Heather

Fat knees means I have a self-esteem problem

It's time for one of my somewhat regular bitching sessions about "being hard on myself."  Usually these sessions are prompted when more than one person makes the comment to me that I am, surprise, being too hard on myself.  And, then I, being who I am, think, "well that sounds like a blog topic."

Because I know that Susan really wants to read about this.  ;-)  (Should I give you a nickname and pretend that I'm talking about someone else?)

So, had a couple of instances of this relatively close together.  One of them was at the crazy party last weekend and then another was with a co-worker.  The co-worker one stemmed from a Facebook photo shoot in which I posted a picture of a dress I tried on with the comment that I liked it but my knees looked bad.  She said I was being too hard on myself.  I really didn't view it this way, I don't like my knees.  Even when I weighed 125 pounds (stupid skinny girl who made bad choices), I didn't like my knees.  I just don't have cute knees.  Is that being hard on myself?  I guess so.  As for the previous one, I don't remember all of it because it was a crazy party but basically she said that I was being too hard on myself and that I was looking good and I should cut it out.

Well.  Here's the more on THAT one. Yes.  I AM looking good.  There I said it.  It's not like I don't walk past reflective surfaces, I know that I look good.  But, I also know that I'm not where I want to be yet.  So therefore I'm only going to keep looking better.  And I don't want to be THAT girl. 

Here's the weird analogy:  my good friend Kiosk is pregnant (yay!) but it took her forever to "pop" and get her baby bump since it's her first baby.  People kept telling her that she didn't look pregnant, she just looked fat.  She's like is this supposed to be some kind of compliment?  This is a baby and I worked my freaking ass off before to NOT be fat before I got pregnant.  To circumvent this, she makes sure that everyone knows that she's pregnant. 

I'm kind of the same way in reverse.  I don't want people to think that I think I don't have weight to lose.  (Yeah, yeah - I shouldn't care what people think.  Go read some other blog, this isn't that kind.) I go to work and out and about and for the most, I try to look my best.  But I do find ways of letting folks know that I'm working on it or whatever.  Does this manifest itself by being "too hard" on myself?  Probably.  I'm working on that.  But it's not going to get but so much better. 

So, here's the thing....  Again.  I DO know that I am looking good.  I also know that I'm going to be looking even better.  I'm excited about the progress and still trying to get there.  I'm reluctant to be over-the-top with my confidence (in person, obviously I don't have as much of a problem here) but I know that my version of that can border on too much self-flagellation.  I'll work on that. 

Oh goody, something else to work on....

hugs,

Heather

Rambling about inspiration

I've had an addiction to weight loss shows for a long time.  I don't watch them often, mostly because they irritate my husband.  It might be because I frequently cry at some point during the shows.  So much so that when I cry during other shows, he'll ask why I'm crying since no one had lost weight...

Ha ha.

But, it's inspiring watching someone lose a crap ton of a weight in hour long segments.  Hearing about all the things that went into gaining the weight and watching the struggles to lose.  Seeing someone find and lose and find and lose motivation over and over again.  It's inspiring because I relate to those highs and lows.  I have them in myself on a daily, weekly -- hell hourly basis.

This week I'm in a holding pattern, as I mentioned in my last post.  On call to deploy down south for Catastrophe duty, and I'm feeling some kind of way.  Here's a post from last year just 13 days in...  I'm in limbo and because of that, I'm a bit frazzled and bored.  And boredom always leads me to overeat.  Add to this I've been feeling like I'm starting to get a cold and it's that time of the month and well...  I'm in a bad place.

So, I watched a weight loss show to get inspired again.  And I'm telling you.  Because these of some of the formulas I have to turn myself around.  I went to a WW meeting today because I thought I might be leaving tomorrow (I'm not).  I made sure to get to the gym this morning and ran/walked for 30 minutes.  I'm still getting trying to prepare for the 5k -- in fact, here's a link to my Race for the Cure page.  I have a very modest pledge goal of $125, so even if you can only donate a few dollars I would be much obliged!

Maybe I'm not getting where I want to be as fast as I'd like.  Maybe I DO sabotage myself.  But, I think knowing that these are problems and taking steps to try to nip them in the bud and not spiral out of control are what's going to help me.

And continuing to talk to you.  So, thanks for reading!

hugs,

Heather

The End of Staycation Rambling

When we last left our heroine, she had done 30 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday morning and rounded out the evening in bad-ass activity-ness by doing a 50 minute cardio kickboxing class.  And that was at the relative beginning of staycation...

What did the rest of the week hold?  What indeed!

As far as activity:  Wednesday I got a run in.  30 minutes on the dreadmill and hit 2.21 miles. Thursday there was minimal activity but LOTS of errand running -- why can't you get activity points for getting in and out of your car 1000 times?  Friday was spent at the beach and I counted a bit of activity points for the running back and forth to the water and just dancing around and loving life.  I think next summer instead of getting in shape so I can go to the beach, my plan is to work on getting in shape AT the beach. Lots of ways to get activity and it's out in the sun so that's even better!  Yesterday I got another run in on the dreadmill, and hit 2.20 miles.  I wasn't rocking it, to be sure, but I had so much pent up energy and what I lacked in the running part I made up in the inclines.  (My new thing is that when I don't want to run anymore, I jack the incline way up during the "rest" - so even if I'm going slow, I'm still getting a work out.)


As far as being on plan:  Well, it's been up and down.  I have been trying to track as much as possible.  But I've also been on staycation, so there's been a bit of partying going on, because you know -- I'm still me.  :)   My BFF and I fulfilled a lifelong dream of singing karaoke in Suffolk on Wednesday night and helped roll up the streets there.  Twice.  Crazy night and led to day of poor decisions fueled by exhaustion.  It started with an order malfunction at Starbucks and didn't improve much from there.  Scott and I went down to the Outer Banks on Thursday night.  While I didn't do well in the abstaining from drinking department, I did do very well in the snacking department -- ate grapes and cherries the whole night!  Friday we spent at the beach as long as the dust storms would allow -- it was a shorter trip than we would have liked.  But, it always is!  All in all, Friday wasn't great for being on plan, but Saturday it went totally downhill.  At least I got that run in.

And today?  The end of staycation?  Minimal activity, ate a large amount of potato chips which I DID track, but all of the wine I have had since dinner?  Not so much...

The problem is that I'm currently in this really dangerous point of my weight loss journey.  I feel GREAT!  I am so happy with how my body is looking and the things that I can do (more on this) and just feeling crammed full of endorphin.  I actually want to go work out.  Can you imagine?  And part of this is because of what I just was saying about things that I can do.

Like squatting.  Normal people probably don't think about squatting.  It's not a big deal to them.  But I've never been able to squat for any length of time and certainly couldn't do it without falling or holding on to someone.  But lately, I've been able to get into a squatting position and stay there for a period of time.  Without feeling like I'm going to die.

Anyways, it's a dangerous time.  I've blogged about this before.  When I feel this good, I feel indomitable.  And that makes me make poor decisions (more wine, please!) and also makes me think I look good in clothing I have no business wearing.  Shopping gets risky and iPhone self-portraits start taking over all my data usage.  I feel ridiculously sassy and really have to watch myself.

I need a sitter!

Hugs,
Heather

I Walk the Line

Today's blog post was brought you to you by a text-versation with a friend.  (Sidebar: in our techy world, why is there no short word for this?)  We were talking about WW.  She went to a meeting after having missed a week.  She had earlier anticipated a "huge" gain and said that she only gained .2.  Given what we have shared about our habits the last few weeks, I said that I never look at these little gains as true gains and really consider them more like maintaining.  She said I was "wise."  (Look, I'm just quoting in the interest of accurate reporting.)  I joked that, yes, I was in fact a fat sage.  And then further went on to say that this didn't stop me from beating myself up about it and wanting to punish myself with potato chips.  She said "shut up" and told me that I'd been looking amazing and that I should be proud.

And I said -- blog topic!  :)

I AM proud of myself.  I DO feel good about what I'm doing.  But just as my negative behaviors and thought patterns are addictive and enticing, the positive ones are too.  I get to feeling good and very proud of what I've done and how far I've come.  And here's the thing -- I'm not a religious person, as anyone knows, but I do understand why "pride" is a sin.  It leads to feelings of imperviousness.  I feel like I can do anything, accomplish anything -- and EAT anything.  And DRINK anything.  And that is the problem.

I can't.

So, I'm cognizant of the line I walk.  I want to be proud of what I've done and how much better I am looking and feeling.  But I also have to be aware that I have a ways to go until I get to my goal. If I am too proud of what I have done, then I lose sight of how much more I have to do.  But I also can't focus too much on that either because then it seems too big and I feel like I can't get there.  I have to maintain a very steady balance of being proud without being arrogant; of awareness of my successes without letting them cloud my judgement. I want to be "good" (ick, I can't find the prior link but you know how I feel about this) but I also want to be able to have fun and not be obsessing over points all the time.  I need to generally be balanced.  Something I have always struggled with.  I don't like the middle.  Billy Joel's "I Go To Extremes" has long been my personal theme song.

I'm not going to find the secret to solving this problem through the confines of writing this blog post.  I know this because it's taken me over an hour to puzzle it out and I'm still not feeling like I'm going to find a conclusion.  Take this away though -- when you see me in person, and you hear me being hard on myself know that I am aware that I am doing it.  Know that I want to stop and "make the voices in my head like me instead" (thank you Pink).  And know that many more of them do now than did before.  But, it's a long way to go because I struggle with liking myself devolving into arrogant overconfident cockiness which leads me to be impetuous and fall off track which leads me to overindulging and being lazy which usually eventually leads me to trying to crawl back out of that hole by exercising more, eating better so I can forgive myself and like myself again which devolves into being arrogant...  You get the idea.  


It turns out my line?  It's a circle.  :)


Ever your one and only,
Heather

Let's Give 'em something to talk about

My advance apologies if I am talking about you and something that you said to me.   I am documenting my weight loss journey on the world wide web.  I talk about the fact that I am eating healthier and trying to be more active.  I am an unapologetic point counter and weighing checks and balances.  It's not uncommon for people to make comments to me both positive and negative or just weird along the way.

I don't usually talk about those things that people say.  I don't talk about them here because for one thing I'm posting things on the worldwide web and I chose to do that.  They didn't choose to have me discuss these comments on the worldwide web.  But on the other hand, it's not a secret. 

My godmother says to me that she's worried because it seems like I'm getting down about my weight.  Or I'm obsessing about it.  I can't remember the exact word, but it was along these lines.  I try to explain that I'm NOT obsessing, per se, but it has become a part of my life to try to be healthier.  But frankly if she had been with me on this occasion or the other, she would not think by any stretch that I was being obsessed.  (Frankly, I think this was in part projecting because she had spent some time with a friend whose daughter is anorexia.)  I couldn't stop thinking about this part of the conversation later though, even though we talked for at least 30 minutes about all kinds of things.  I've been every weight, she knows I've been every weight and she knows that I haven't been at a healthy weight for some time.  Or just healthy body type.  I'm not trying to get to be a size 0 here, I'm just trying to get to a weight which is considered healthy for my body type.  Like size 10.  Or even 12.  I know that when I was in high school I thought I was fat even though I was a size 4 and the only thing fat about me was my hair.  But that was over 20 years ago.  I don't think I'm fat because I'm trying to meet some society standard of ideal body type -- I think I'm fat because I'm fat. 

But I'm a lot less fat than I was a year ago.  And I'm a lot fatter than I'm going to be a year from now, hopefully.

It maybe seems like I'm obsessing, because I'm on the internet talking about it.  But that's a mostly anonymous outlet for me to spout out the stuff that I would otherwise be boring people to tears with.  (Well, I already do, but think about how much worse it could be?)

Then there was the co-worker who was always trying to bribe me/thank me with chocolate, which I started declining because the 6 or 8 points or whatever wasn't worth it.  I didn't want to pay for it.  But she took it to mean that I'm all sacrificing everything and throwing myself on the alter of clean eating or something, because the other day she tried to bribe me/thank me by offering me (and I am not making this up) air popped unseasoned popcorn.  I mean, really?  That's all you got?  At least find a Skinny Cow candy bar and try to fake the funk, man.  Ridiculous. 

Similar incident with mother in law coming for dinner the other night.  She wanted to bring dessert, and I asked what she was going to bring so I could plan for it.  It was something that I knew by the sound of it would be high in points so I said that I would just not have any.  This definitely came across as being the wrong thing to say because then she decided not to bring it, even though there would be 3 other people eating who likely have enjoyed it.  I felt guilty about that all day.  I shouldn't have said anything and then just politely declined when the time came.  Or sliced a piece you could read through.  Or something.  But because I am so used to sharing with people my eating habits and talking here about challenges, et cetera I just couldn't stop my big mouth.  If you're reading this, I feel bad that I cake-blocked you -- it was not my intent! 

But finally, in something good someone talked about, another co-worker told me that I gave her some inspiration and some encouragement to be honest with herself and get going.  We didn't get the chance to talk much more than that, because I work in a call center and the phone rang and then the whole day ran away with the spoon -- but I knew it was going somewhere good.  And I like that.  Because there have been so many people along my journey who inspire me, so if I can be that person for somebody -- then that's the whole point of doing this in the first place, right?  To misquote Mahatma Gandhi of all people, I should be the change I want to see in the world.

I am also trying to get better about being a better blogger -- I even have another post I'm working on about the highs and the lows. 

hugs,

Heather

post script

  Now it's 10:49 pm and I'm back home.  I've had several cries.  I'm not going to be able to explain the nervous breakdown to you, though I may find myself trying.  I am not an athlete.  I don't have an athlete's brain.  When I'm letting people down who are counting on me to pull through, it's emotionally crippling.  And then the hamster in my brain gets to be spinning, spinning, spinning and I can't get him to stop.  Because now its not just this set back, it's every single setback that has ever occurred and created this person who is over 200 lbs and can't figure out how to get her act together once and for all.  Or has it figured out, but doesn't have that inner thing to make it happen.  Same end result.

I'm just tired of this mental game.  I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that. 

I don't want to be this fat my whole life.  But not because I don't want to be fat.  It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of.  If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?

You get that, don't you? 

Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem.  Some of you have.  But it's all the same isn't it?  I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life. 

This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with.  Or at least why I continued.  Because it's not easy.  You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail...  Maybe you don't care that you're not alone?  Then this isn't the blog for you.  Maybe you don't care.  Maybe you believe that your struggle is different.  And that belief is rightly so.  Your struggle IS different.  You know what makes it the same?  It's a struggle.  It is hard to be healthy.  It is hard to get strong.  You face adversity and haters on every corner.  Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters.  It's a tricky game. 

Maybe I won't ever jump on a box.  Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon.  Or be able to run a 5k.  But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals.  Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.

Whew....  Emotionally exhausted.

love to you all!
Heather

Frustration Rambling

Part of my frustration with myself is my lack of trying to do something to get my diet in line.  I don't mean go on a diet, I'm against that.  But to start paying attention to what I'm eating, controlling how much I'm eating (and drinking) and getting that under my control once and for all.

I have navigated away from writing about my journey for so many reasons.  I make proclamations (the Twitter experiment that wasn't ring any bells?) and then feel embarrassed that they're out there on the web.  I stopped posting my weight, because it stopped changing.  A major source of frustration, more on this.  I feel like I only talk about minor or major gym victories (too many links to bother here).  And even when I commit to writing more and even dowloaded an app for ever-present phone, I still haven't committed.

I am frustrated with myself.  One of the primary reasons is my weight not changing.  It will occasionally drop a pound or two, but it always goes back up to where it was.  Granted, at least I'm staying there, but I would like to drop a pound or two and then stay THERE.  That's the frustration.  I know I weigh myself too often (every day is definitely not the recommended amount), but I also know that when I don't know every day where it is then I get complacent.  I may have "only" lost 20 lbs last year, but at least that 20 lbs is staying off no matter what!

Here is what I see as the three MAJOR obstacles to overcoming this plateau I seem to be rooted in and figure out the way out.  One, I need to be accountable for the food and beverages I am consuming.  I know about how many calories I'm burning a day, but I don't know how many I'm taking in because I am NOT being honest with myself.  But for whatever reason I seem to chronically allergic to starting tracking again.  I have at least 3 apps in my phone for this as we speak and can't seem to do it.  Action plan:  I'm going to try to kick it old school and write it down in a little notebook.  I'm going to try to start just by getting in the habit of writing things down without measuring like I will eventually.  The first step is just being honest that I'm eating whatever I'm eating or drinking what I'm drinking.  I will start tomorrow morning.

Two, I need to branch out my exercise.  I cannot continue to only do cardio all the time and expect to see any changes.  I need to start incorporating some strength training if I really want to see my body change the way it was starting to during the body challenge last year.  I am weighing options on how to attack this, but I think ultimately I am planning on getting a personal trainer for a while to start kicking me in to shape. 

The biggest obstacle?  Me, of course.  I still do not believe that I am meant to be a healthy, active person.  I feel doomed to a life of couch potato-dom and can't seem to turn my mental game around.  Any tips on an action plan here would be greatly appreciated.  How do I get my head engaged and believing that I can physically do more than I do -- and motivated to try and do it?  Because right now, the mental push-ups I have to do to go back to the gym after missing a few days are incredibly rigorous and remind me me of just how weak that mental motivator muscle still is. 

That's all for now -- lots of love!
Heather

Fake it til you make it

So, I don't really feel like blogging.  "Thanks for boring us, Heather -- we'll switch back to Fox News..."


Wait, I just meant that I don't have much to say.  For so long I was on a roll, I was called inspirational -- more than once, and not by my mother -- so, that's a thing.  And I feel like now, I need to be on a roll and being inspirational or something in order to write stuff.  But here's the thing (write this down).......

Life can really suck sometimes.  It's not always easy to be motivational.

::phew::

 I feel better.  Don't you?  No?  Shit, well there I go again not being inspiring...

Therein lies the rub.  This summer when I had the Summer of Lovehandles (tm) in progress -- I DID think about "you" -- whoever you are.  Random Blog Readers.  I thought, "Those RBR are going to KNOW I fell off the wagon and they are shaking their heads, silently judging me."  And, well, I did a fair amount of that on my own.  Along with a lot of promises I knew I wasn't going to keep.

That's the thing with being fat and being inside the fat....You make a lot of promises publicly and privately that you know you're not going to keep, but still keep making them.  Because ONE DAY, it really IS going to be the last day you make that promise.  Now, maybe it's because it's the day you get hit by a bus or have a nasty heart attack, but hopefully it's because you've come to terms with your own mortality and decided hey, I don't want my hobby to be losing weight -- I want it to be keeping it off.

Because this losing and putting it back on?  For all of the novelty at the beginning???  Boring for the long run.  Depressing to face going to yet another WW meeting as a "first timer" -- I mean, it's my what time around?  How many times am I going to literally put lipstick on this pig?? 

I wish I could be as committed as Bitchcakes -- her last time she knew was her last time because she was going to stay until she finished.  And the thing for me is that I preach WW to everyone I know who's thinking about it because if you do it, it freaking works!  And, like I said, it's real.  You can fall back on the basics and even when you're sliding know enough to prevent a landslide.

Anyways...  This is another stream of consciousness posting.  I DO know that my desire to blog correlates with my desire to do this thing and that's a positive change.  I've been to the gym 3 times in under a week, which is sad but HUGE for me in comparison.  I'm faced with bad decisions by the hour and am inching towards making better ones (again) all the time...

I'll try to be better about posting.  You try to be better about... what?  What are YOU going to do?

------Heather

Seriously, where the f* have you been...?

Hello....  hello...?


Yeah.  I stopped blogging.  I know.  I'm the one who did it, so you don't have to keep telling me, okay? It's kind of like people telling me I'm funny, like I don't know.  Most of the funny things I say, I say to amuse myself and I'm delighted if you happen to be amused too.  ;-)

If you had to guess the reason for the absence, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard. I fell off the wagon -- hard.

I had a big heaping, nasty tasting dose of reality and let me just tell you kids -- it ain't for suckers.  Staying on any kind of exercise or diet routine is difficult under ideal circumstances, especially since I was never someone who self-motivated well.  So, trying to stay on track while I was gone for so long and then returning home to bumps in the road...

I wound up being on CAT duty for about 5 weeks.  I returned home on May 23.  I worked out twice the entire time I was gone, but I did try to watch what I ate.  During the last part of my duty, I was sent to learn how to adjust hail damage claims so I was climbing a lot of roofs and much more active then if I was doing what I did in the first half of my duty.  This contributed to me not only being able to maintain what I had lost up until I left for CAT duty, but also managed to drop another 4 lbs.  I attribute this in part to the decision to purchase a scale when I arrived at my last destination so I could stay on top of my weight. 

Upon returning home, I had a multitude of excuses for why I couldn't go back to the gym right away.  I planned to go right after Memorial Day, treating Memorial Day like the New Year's Eve of summer I called it...  Then over Memorial Day weekend I got horrifically sunburned and the idea of putting on tight clothing and exerting myself (one of my worst burns was the top of my feet -- where I neglected to put suntan lotion) was just too much to bear.  Then when I just had started to recover from that, I developed some kind of summer chest congestion with difficulty breathing and a lovely cough and stuffed nose.  Can't really exercise if you can't breathe...  When that finally abated, I frankly just had a bad case of the lazies.  I was already out of the habit and finding the will again was getting harder and harder.  And THEN -- my mom broke her hip and there was/is hospitals, rehab, drama which lends itself to a whole lot of drinking and not a lot of exercising.  Sure, it's a great tension reliever -- if you can make yourself go!!

SO.  Here we are, now a full month that I have been home from CAT duty and still not back at the gym training for that triathlon.  I have still maintained a minimum 20 lb weight loss and fluctuate down to almost 24, but not in the Onederland yet.  I want to be healthy and I want to be active, but when life bitch slaps you around it can be super hard to get motivated to get back on track.

BUT, I have some NSV's -- found a pair of white capri pants that fit and look good (any fat girl will tell you how hard this is), planning a VERY active vacation that we leave for next week and have generally maintained fairly good eating habits -- except for the drinking.  My new resolution is to get back to the gym when we get back from vacation.  I'm ready to get back in the habit and treat myself right again.  Some of the motivating factors have been the handful of people who do read my blog and tell me how motivating they think I am and how much they appreciate my sharing what I'm going through.  That really means a lot to me and helps me get focused on what's important -- ME!  And also, friends that I have that are in the same boat.  I had a chat with a girlfriend at work today who was beating herself up about how much she's let herself go and how unhappy she is with where she is.  She finally joined a gym and has started going.  And I basically told her (and now, you -- my 4 readers) -- forget the past.  It doesn't matter.  You are wasting energy beating yourself up for basically being a human female.  Life happens and when you have a lot on your plate, you want to put a lot on your plate!  Just accept the fact that you made these mistakes and then find the way to move forward and congratulate yourself for any step you take in the right direction.  Even if you "only" went to the gym one day this week, that was probably one day more than you went the week before.  And I bet one more day than you really felt like going -- am I right?  But you went anyways.  THAT'S the point.  Every teeny tiny thing you do does count -- it may not make the scale move quickly, but it's a step in regaining your confidence in yourself that you can do this thing.

Because you know what, we CAN do this thing!  Now get out there and let's kick some ass...  I mean, after I get back from vacation...

The Good, the bad and the Unfashionable

Well, Spring is springing.  This is a season that gets most people excited about warm weather on the horizon and the chance to bust out their toes and revel in the freedom from turtlenecks.

Most people, but not fat people.  Or not this fat person anyways.  Maybe you are not affected by the change of seasons.  Maybe it doesn't create the same level of heartburn in you that it does for me.  If not, you may want to peruse other blogs and pop back in at the next entry...

Since 2004, when I first started caring about the extra weight that I carry, the change of seasons traditionally induces a sort of panic.  What the heck am I gonna wear?  Usually I am in some sort of weight adjustment, up or down and nothing in my wardrobe is appropriate.  Too tight or too small or just too "what was I THINKING?!" 

In fact, I have quite a lot of "what was I thinking" in my wardrobe.  Things that I purchased just to get through a season, to fill in gaps.  They are quickly too small, too big or just too blah for me to want to wear -- and yet I hold on to them.  If I emptied my closet and drawers of all of the clothes I have purchased to try to survive another temperature change, I would probably have all kinds of additional storage space.  That's not even addressing the containers shoved under my bed.  (But this is perhaps fodder for another blog of the future -- Inside Heather's Disorganization.)

Shopping results in a lot of frustration, particularly when I am in a transitional phase either up or down.  Nothing seems to fit right and Lord knows I am not going to find a tailor, much less pay them to alter a $30 pair of pants.  And I'm not going to spend more on "good" pants when I know that this time I am going to get down to (name current desired size) once and for ALL.  So, capris bring with them the humiliation of too tight in the thighs and too loose in the waist and the joy that is my cankles.  Skirts must be flame retardant in order not to catch on fire from my thigh friction.  Dresses are frequently sleeveless and my arms haven't been much to write home about.  Not to mention the material that these adorable dresses are made of frequently are dead give-aways that I am a lady who does not glow but sweats, thank you VERY much!  Tank tops?  With these boobs?  I think not.  Even shoes are menacing.  The adorable espadrilles that were so popular last year have those laces that go up your calf and just look like a giant neon sign that says "CANKLES ON BOARD". 

I have a shopping event coming this weekend.  While I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend, the time in the dressing room is looming over me like a dark cloud.  But since I'm writing this in April wearing a turtleneck because of the lack of dressing options and the blessing of a cooler day (I'm not going to lie -- climate change is friendly to the clothing challenged) it is time to find some transitional options.  I'm hoping to find some options that are both budget friendly and more representative of usefulness through the summer, but I'm guessing I'll leave with a maxi dress to wear to Sertoma and a renewed vow to get more serious about adding extra workouts to my week.

Happy Spring anyways!

hugs,
Heather

The Bad Things

I mentioned in my last post that I had been to a birthday party and ate bad things, and teased that there would be a future post on this topic.  Since I ate a chili hot dog for lunch, this seemed like a good time!  :)

While I have been overweight for some time, I did not start doing anything to actively correct that until 2005 (see The History of this Fat if you'd like the full rundown).  That was the first time I joined WW and paid attention to what I was eating.  Since I started this blog (and my new life), I have been trying to monitor what I eat and make better choices.  You know that I cheat frequently, since I have written about our "blow diet" Saturdays.  You also know that there isn't much formality to how I monitor my diet, I'm more focused on being active.  But, still -- I find myself saying things like I ate bad things.  This is something that has always driven me crazy when I've known other people dieting.  I remember an Oprah episode where she had some gourmet baker on who had made this amazing cake of some sort, and Oprah wouldn't even eat a bite because she had a dress she had to fit in for an event and didn't want to mess around.  I mean, one bite?  Walk 5 more minutes on the dreadmill, then.

Again, I get into the slippery slope.  I knew that I was going to have a chili hot dog for lunch, so I did account for that in my calorie counting for the day.  But, I also knew that today I'm planning on adding my second work-out and taking a Zumba class tonight.  I knew that there was room for error.  I do try to make much smarter decisions than I did in the past.  But, when I do eat something that is NOT healthy, I really try not to quantify that as "bad."  The food itself isn't "bad" that is a value I ascribed to it when I chose to eat it instead of a bowl of carrots.  Really, I'm "bad", I'm making choices that are not best for me.  I'm trying to balance this need to lose weight with the reality of the world we live in.

Actually, I watched The Biggest Loser last night for the first time in a while.  I had been feeling kind of blue about my progress and was unsuccessful in even writing a blog post that encapsulated how I was feeling.  I just wanted to watch a show where there were people who had further to go than me and see their progress.  It's always been motivating in the past for me.  And last night's episode proved to be a mixed bag of motivation.  There was a team that was given the opportunity to work on their own to try to get back on the ranch.  They had been working out for the last 13 weeks, or whatever, at home and doing their own thing.  The mother/son pair had lost a combined total of 75 pounds.  (One of them needed to beat 91 pounds in order to beat someone who had the highest percentage of total weight loss.)  So, that was kind of amazing to see that one woman had been able to lose 45 pounds on her own in the amount of time that it's taken me to lose about 15.  Amazing and depressing, actually.  Then, there was another team that lost a challenge and had to go off the ranch for a week.  They got a $1000 to use for food, gym memberships and luxuries.  They chose to spend that allocation on some smart choices -- buying their own food, gym membership -- but then they made some not-so-wise choices like getting massages instead of having their personal trainer from the ranch come and help them.  Needless to say, they lost almost no weight and one of them was sent home.  And they had everything in their toolkit to go off on their own and be successful!  They had been working out and eating right like it was a full time job and still failed when they had to do it on their own.

Now, you can call it schadenfreude if you want, but I took a lot of encouragement from that.  Losing weight, getting healthy, changing your life is hard, hard, hard!  If someone who has been doing it as a full time job can't do it when they lose their support net, then someone like me has an uphill battle to face going it virtually alone.  Whose best current food plan has been to "eat lots of chicken."  Yes, I have Scott -- thank GOD -- going with me, but there are still bumps in the road even if your partner is in with you. 

Anyways, I veered off of the bad things topic that I started -- as I tend to do.  The long and the short is that it's not the food that it's bad -- it's the choices that are bad.  I can't keep making the decisions I made in the past, they're not going to help me get where I want to go.  All I can do is keep looking to the future and don't be caught off guard by too much cake and wine and not enough chicken. 

After all, if I keep working at it, eventually the number will follow the work. 

I HOPE!

hugs,

Heather

Body challenge post

Today was the first official work out of the body challenge.

OMG.

I'm writing this as soon as possible, because I don't think I'll be able to use my arms much longer. :)

It was an hour strength circuit. Speed moves on arms, legs and abs with a dash of cardio thrown in to make sure your heart rate never drops. It was intense. Some of the things I couldn't even do, particularly anything that involved upper body strength. No push-ups, for sure. Mountain climbers? Fuhgeddaboutit. I tried my darnedest though and I'll keep trying and keep pushing because I'm going to do this thing!

And in 4 weeks we're going to be doing a 5k! Yikes! I'm trying to work up to being able to at least walk a 15 minute mile, so that way if I can walk/run it I'll at least finish under 45 minutes. Because the day of the 5k, we're still going to work out afterwards! Yikes again!

And my weight loss? 4 lbs on their scale -- 6 on mine, but with less clothes. :)

My first goal is to be under 200 at the end of the challenge, really. I'd like to win, sure. But, to lose 24 pounds in 12 weeks is totally do-able, especially with the amount of working out I've been doing.

I'm all over the place. Time to eat!

Other things to work on

In addition to needing to work on losing half of myself, I need to figure out a way to regain the self-esteem I lost when I got this way.

I feel so much more awkward in social situations than I used to and it's because of how uncomfortable I am with how I look. And the frustrating thing is that I've looked like this for a while now, but it's like I woke up one morning... It's the Emperor's New Clothes! Everyone knew I was fat but me and now I think that they've been pointing and laughing at me this whole time for being fat and not realizing it.

Well, not that I didn't know I was fat, that's ridiculous. Of course, I knew. But, I didn't care for a while because I was just a little fat. Ha! Anyway, I continued to be "okay" with being a "little fat" because I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do to not be. So, a little fat turned into a little bit more fat and then a little bit more fat and then the next thing I knew, I was standing next to fat people and they were asking me to commiserate with them. And at first I was like, why does she think I can relate to that? And then, I don't know, I found a mirror. And realized how much I have been avoiding mirrors in order to keep up my delusion that I was just a little fat.

So.

On the one hand, now that I have this attitude of trying (TRYING!) to do something about it, I feel like I should be allowed to wear some kind of sign that says "Hey, I'm working on it!" You know, so people know.

Because the thing is that people who have never been fat have no FUCKING idea how hard it is. None. They just think why doesn't she just eat right and exercise? Is she actually going to eat that? Why is she taking the elevator - no wonder she's fat? And I know this because times in my life when I have not been this ginormous I have thought those same things. And even, mortifyingly enough, preached them to people. Because, much like the blog authors of the blog's I'm following, I truly, truly believed that if I could do it and get it to work for ME, then anyone could be successful. And that was that re-found self-esteem.

What people who have never been fat (we've got to come up with a name for them other than skinny bitches) don't realize is that even when you get that drive to eat right and exercise, it's still hard as hell. You don't just run around the block and lose 10 pounds. And you definitely don't run around the block and suddenly have everyone stop looking at you as a fat person -- because they don't know you just ran around the block! Because again, it's not like you can wear a sign.

And would you want to? That's a whole other Pandora's box. Because I'm working out at work, I'm forced to see people who know me and see that I'm working out. And you see that look that they give you of support and encouragement. Or that's how it's meant, I am guessing, but to me it just feels condescending as fuck. Hey, look at you -- you realized you were fat! Good for you! Sweat it out girl! Because this flies directly in the face of me not wanting to talk about it. And I know that I don't want to talk about it, because I fear failure. And if I don't tell you that I'm doing these things, then I don't have to talk about my progress and how it's going and how much did I work out and oh, am I going to EAT that?!

All of these spiralling thoughts are what got me out of my cozy bed at 7:15 on a Saturday morning.

Basically, my fat woke me up. To berate me for being fat. And I'm just so over it. So, I'm going to keep walking around the block and trying to do better and forgive myself for my indulgences last night and just keep holding on. And try to find that self-esteem along the way.