So, I had a bad day. Not like having a tumor bad, but not great. Customers yelled at me all day. We found out we had another leak at one of our rentals. My hearing aids went on the fritz and ate three batteries. It seems like something else, but who can remember with all the getting yelled at?
This did not lend itself to me wanting to go to boot camp. Really, really did not want to go.
Which is apparently the mindset it takes for it to not wind up feeling like torture. I mean, it was still torture -- but I was able to jump the box tonight!!!!
What, you want that in big print?
I WAS ABLE TO JUMP THE BOX TONIGHT!
Isn't that so fun? It was just the trashcan size one but who cares? I conquered my fear of the box and just went for it -- again and again!
Did I rock the rest of the workouts? Hell no. Finished last in the races, et cetera. But who cares? At least I was able to conquer one thing.
And that helped put my bad day in its rightful place.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Not quitting yet
So, the daily posting slacked off a bit because I'm feeling guilty. I want to quit. I really want to quit. BFF Tina wants to quit. She thinks we are insane for continuing and really wants to know why this is the one time that I'm trying to NOT quit?! Why is this the time that I'm going to finish something I started??
And not in a defeating way, she says this, because she is BFF. But just, this is torture...
Freaky Friday at the compound this week found me finishing last at one of our relays again. And I meant LAST. I didn't even get to the second half of the relay because it was such a struggle for me to finish the first half. And the second half was the "cool" part - flipping the famous huge tire and dragging it across the parking lot. The first half was a burpee into a broad jump. Neither of which I'm very good at. So, it took me the whole time to make the cycle while all the other teams finished. Talk about humiliating! And then writing about it here on the WWW?
But I have promised myself that in order to try to be more consistent with blogging to write about both the good and the bad. To tell you about all of the ordeals of Heather's fat. It's a difficult journey to be a healthy person.
But here's the thing... Last night I was completely beat up. I literally felt like someone had been taking a baseball bat to my body and actually bludgeoning me. From the looks of my legs, it even seemed a bit true. But yet, in a really freaky way, it felt good. It was one of the first times that I even felt a tiny bit of the mental connection with the endorphin rush that everyone talks about. I understood that doing that much work was creating a physical change that made me want to try harder and get better.
Maybe I never will. Maybe that feeling will erode again. But at least I recognized that it was in there.
And that's why I didn't quit Friday.
Enjoy your weekend!
Heather
And not in a defeating way, she says this, because she is BFF. But just, this is torture...
Freaky Friday at the compound this week found me finishing last at one of our relays again. And I meant LAST. I didn't even get to the second half of the relay because it was such a struggle for me to finish the first half. And the second half was the "cool" part - flipping the famous huge tire and dragging it across the parking lot. The first half was a burpee into a broad jump. Neither of which I'm very good at. So, it took me the whole time to make the cycle while all the other teams finished. Talk about humiliating! And then writing about it here on the WWW?
But I have promised myself that in order to try to be more consistent with blogging to write about both the good and the bad. To tell you about all of the ordeals of Heather's fat. It's a difficult journey to be a healthy person.
But here's the thing... Last night I was completely beat up. I literally felt like someone had been taking a baseball bat to my body and actually bludgeoning me. From the looks of my legs, it even seemed a bit true. But yet, in a really freaky way, it felt good. It was one of the first times that I even felt a tiny bit of the mental connection with the endorphin rush that everyone talks about. I understood that doing that much work was creating a physical change that made me want to try harder and get better.
Maybe I never will. Maybe that feeling will erode again. But at least I recognized that it was in there.
And that's why I didn't quit Friday.
Enjoy your weekend!
Heather
Well
Maybe if I get to the onederland doing all this torture I might say its worth all the nervous breakdowns...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
post script
Now it's 10:49 pm and I'm back home. I've had
several cries. I'm not going to be able to explain the nervous
breakdown to you, though I may find myself trying. I am not an
athlete. I don't have an athlete's brain. When I'm letting people down
who are counting on me to pull through, it's emotionally crippling.
And then the hamster in my brain gets to be spinning, spinning, spinning
and I can't get him to stop. Because now its not just this set back,
it's every single setback that has ever occurred and created this person
who is over 200 lbs and can't figure out how to get her act together
once and for all. Or has it figured out, but doesn't have that inner
thing to make it happen. Same end result.
I'm just tired of this mental game. I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that.
I don't want to be this fat my whole life. But not because I don't want to be fat. It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of. If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?
You get that, don't you?
Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem. Some of you have. But it's all the same isn't it? I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life.
This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with. Or at least why I continued. Because it's not easy. You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail... Maybe you don't care that you're not alone? Then this isn't the blog for you. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you believe that your struggle is different. And that belief is rightly so. Your struggle IS different. You know what makes it the same? It's a struggle. It is hard to be healthy. It is hard to get strong. You face adversity and haters on every corner. Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters. It's a tricky game.
Maybe I won't ever jump on a box. Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon. Or be able to run a 5k. But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals. Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.
Whew.... Emotionally exhausted.
love to you all!
Heather
I'm just tired of this mental game. I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that.
I don't want to be this fat my whole life. But not because I don't want to be fat. It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of. If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?
You get that, don't you?
Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem. Some of you have. But it's all the same isn't it? I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life.
This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with. Or at least why I continued. Because it's not easy. You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail... Maybe you don't care that you're not alone? Then this isn't the blog for you. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you believe that your struggle is different. And that belief is rightly so. Your struggle IS different. You know what makes it the same? It's a struggle. It is hard to be healthy. It is hard to get strong. You face adversity and haters on every corner. Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters. It's a tricky game.
Maybe I won't ever jump on a box. Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon. Or be able to run a 5k. But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals. Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.
Whew.... Emotionally exhausted.
love to you all!
Heather
Apparently my inner bad ass went out for cookies
Tonight I had a panic attack in class and left. Before it was over. I'm writing this from the car while BFF Tina is still in.
I'm writing this so you fully know that I understand how hard it is to do this. And even when I'm feeling like I'm invincible my own bullshit gets in the way and says "you need to be careful. You need to know you get in the way of you."
But today is just today.
Today I'm Heather who had the panic attack and couldn't help her team with the log carry. That doesn't have to be who I am tomorrow. Because just yesterday I was Heather who threw a 200lb tire. So who knows what's real?
HPL
I'm writing this so you fully know that I understand how hard it is to do this. And even when I'm feeling like I'm invincible my own bullshit gets in the way and says "you need to be careful. You need to know you get in the way of you."
But today is just today.
Today I'm Heather who had the panic attack and couldn't help her team with the log carry. That doesn't have to be who I am tomorrow. Because just yesterday I was Heather who threw a 200lb tire. So who knows what's real?
HPL
Sorry about the delay... Hope you managed to survive. :)
The reason for no immediate post is we had to stay late and review our food journal. I believe that the pile my journal was in was compared to "cockroaches." Whatever. Am I strictly paleo? Nope. But I am eating way fewer carbs and processed food than I ever did before. I totally threw down on Saturday, because it was Sertoma and that's our annual favorite drunk fest. I really did eat like a cockroach, in fact I partied so much I may have eaten a cockroach -- who knows? Further, who cares? Good times!
I know that I could not be doing this much of the attempt at diet if it were not for BFF Tina. As I've mentioned, she's staying with us temporarily and has been in charge of food prep. It's been a huge help and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to let her move out. :( Having said that, there are lots of the diet that I like. I do like the challenge of figuring out what to eat. I like that I'm eating lots of fresh food and eating much less salt. It's just the time that it takes to fix this food all the time is crazy. I'm not sure how successful I would be sticking to it long term. Especially since my husband, God love him, does not really like a lot of vegetables and would definitely not be excited about eating some of the same things repeatedly.
The workout on Monday was a fair amount of running. We ran around the building twice. Right after that we had to all get into a simultaneous squat and we weren't started until everyone was in sync. Needless to say that was a bit of a time lag since people kept popping back up. (Ahem, sorry guys...) Then there was some running in and out of a ladder, running up and down and tapping a thing on the ground, jumping over hurdles and everyone's favorite the bear crawl. Inside activities including learning to dead lift, a few rounds of wall ball and push-ups.
One of my co-workers said something along the lines that I have a glowy way of talking about the boot camp. And, I guess I do. I am not good at the workouts. I am not fast, efficient, strong, anything. But every night that I give them the hour and quarter is an hour and quarter that I'm not just sitting around not changing my life. I like that. Sometimes when I'm praying for death in the workouts, I try to remind myself of this. Not as easy to remember then. But afterwards, I just feel good that I accomplished it.
BFF and I have talked about what we're going to do next. How we're going to keep up the momentum? I'm not sure. I really like the taking classes, but I do hate being out 3 nights a week and away from my husband. (Although perhaps he likes the peace? Who knows??) It's just that being out til after 9 and then having to come home and put together a day's worth of food for the next day and then getting up at dawn and starting again gets to be a bit taxing. As I frequently say, I have no idea how people with children do all the things they do. I can barely keep my own shit together.
Anyways, the hour grows close to the work out and I must go get sucked into my lycra and sports bra. I will probably do a belated bootcamp post for tonight so in the meantime, try a paleo blog! :)
hugs,
Heather
The reason for no immediate post is we had to stay late and review our food journal. I believe that the pile my journal was in was compared to "cockroaches." Whatever. Am I strictly paleo? Nope. But I am eating way fewer carbs and processed food than I ever did before. I totally threw down on Saturday, because it was Sertoma and that's our annual favorite drunk fest. I really did eat like a cockroach, in fact I partied so much I may have eaten a cockroach -- who knows? Further, who cares? Good times!
I know that I could not be doing this much of the attempt at diet if it were not for BFF Tina. As I've mentioned, she's staying with us temporarily and has been in charge of food prep. It's been a huge help and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to let her move out. :( Having said that, there are lots of the diet that I like. I do like the challenge of figuring out what to eat. I like that I'm eating lots of fresh food and eating much less salt. It's just the time that it takes to fix this food all the time is crazy. I'm not sure how successful I would be sticking to it long term. Especially since my husband, God love him, does not really like a lot of vegetables and would definitely not be excited about eating some of the same things repeatedly.
The workout on Monday was a fair amount of running. We ran around the building twice. Right after that we had to all get into a simultaneous squat and we weren't started until everyone was in sync. Needless to say that was a bit of a time lag since people kept popping back up. (Ahem, sorry guys...) Then there was some running in and out of a ladder, running up and down and tapping a thing on the ground, jumping over hurdles and everyone's favorite the bear crawl. Inside activities including learning to dead lift, a few rounds of wall ball and push-ups.
One of my co-workers said something along the lines that I have a glowy way of talking about the boot camp. And, I guess I do. I am not good at the workouts. I am not fast, efficient, strong, anything. But every night that I give them the hour and quarter is an hour and quarter that I'm not just sitting around not changing my life. I like that. Sometimes when I'm praying for death in the workouts, I try to remind myself of this. Not as easy to remember then. But afterwards, I just feel good that I accomplished it.
BFF and I have talked about what we're going to do next. How we're going to keep up the momentum? I'm not sure. I really like the taking classes, but I do hate being out 3 nights a week and away from my husband. (Although perhaps he likes the peace? Who knows??) It's just that being out til after 9 and then having to come home and put together a day's worth of food for the next day and then getting up at dawn and starting again gets to be a bit taxing. As I frequently say, I have no idea how people with children do all the things they do. I can barely keep my own shit together.
Anyways, the hour grows close to the work out and I must go get sucked into my lycra and sports bra. I will probably do a belated bootcamp post for tonight so in the meantime, try a paleo blog! :)
hugs,
Heather
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Starting to tap into inner bad ass
When we last left our heroine (me), she was tapping in to her I don't give a fuck side. After "Freaky Friday" at the compound, that side took over with a vengeance.
Y'all, we flipped 200lb tires. By ourselves. It was crazy. I only was able to do it 5 times, but trust that was 5 more times than I thought I was going to be able to do it. We also then smashed the tire with a sledgehammer, and if you think that wasn't fun you got another think coming. GOOD times.
We started the night out with our usual fun run around the building. My team swears I'm keeping up, but I still don't really feel like I am. Then we played tug o' war and our team never lost! It was awesome! After that was when we learned the maneuver to flip the tire and the sledgehammer pounding thing. Then we worked as a team to flip the tire 200 times and pound the sledgehammer 250 times. I stayed on the sledgehammer the whole time because I don't think I could have done that many reps flipping the tire and then do the post-workout run around the building.
We turned in our food journals and they were very insistent that names would be named for not sticking to the food plan. I have an issue with that and not just because I wasn't always 100% with the food plan. This is a new thing for everyone, and we're all doing the best we can. Do we need to make everyone do burpees for every pat of butter we eat or glass of wine? That just seems a bit extreme.
As for the food, which I keep saying I'm going to talk about. It's been a challenge because you always have to plan. You can't just wing it. There is a definite need to cook and prep. I can't just throw a frozen dinner in my lunch and be done with it for the day. Consequently, I am eating a lot of salads for lunch. I don't necessarily mind, but in order for it to be good there's a fair amount of prep that has to go into that too. If I were a smarter person, I'd spend today chopping and prepping for the week this afternoon... But that would require unwrapping from my cozy blankie and getting away from the tv on a rainy Sunday.
But the thing is that I can't believe how far I've come mentally since Tuesday, food whining aside. I think it was the tires or maybe that Friday was more fun or maybe the PMS finally broke -- all I know is that by Friday night I was feeling freaking sassy! Like, this is really hard, but I'm doing it. I can do this. And if I can do this, then I can do whatever I want!
That's probably a dangerous thought pattern, huh?
Happy Sunday friends!
Heather
Y'all, we flipped 200lb tires. By ourselves. It was crazy. I only was able to do it 5 times, but trust that was 5 more times than I thought I was going to be able to do it. We also then smashed the tire with a sledgehammer, and if you think that wasn't fun you got another think coming. GOOD times.
We started the night out with our usual fun run around the building. My team swears I'm keeping up, but I still don't really feel like I am. Then we played tug o' war and our team never lost! It was awesome! After that was when we learned the maneuver to flip the tire and the sledgehammer pounding thing. Then we worked as a team to flip the tire 200 times and pound the sledgehammer 250 times. I stayed on the sledgehammer the whole time because I don't think I could have done that many reps flipping the tire and then do the post-workout run around the building.
We turned in our food journals and they were very insistent that names would be named for not sticking to the food plan. I have an issue with that and not just because I wasn't always 100% with the food plan. This is a new thing for everyone, and we're all doing the best we can. Do we need to make everyone do burpees for every pat of butter we eat or glass of wine? That just seems a bit extreme.
As for the food, which I keep saying I'm going to talk about. It's been a challenge because you always have to plan. You can't just wing it. There is a definite need to cook and prep. I can't just throw a frozen dinner in my lunch and be done with it for the day. Consequently, I am eating a lot of salads for lunch. I don't necessarily mind, but in order for it to be good there's a fair amount of prep that has to go into that too. If I were a smarter person, I'd spend today chopping and prepping for the week this afternoon... But that would require unwrapping from my cozy blankie and getting away from the tv on a rainy Sunday.
But the thing is that I can't believe how far I've come mentally since Tuesday, food whining aside. I think it was the tires or maybe that Friday was more fun or maybe the PMS finally broke -- all I know is that by Friday night I was feeling freaking sassy! Like, this is really hard, but I'm doing it. I can do this. And if I can do this, then I can do whatever I want!
That's probably a dangerous thought pattern, huh?
Happy Sunday friends!
Heather
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Boot camp - 2 down
Y'all, we did so many different things tonight there is no way I'm going to be able to remember to do a recap. There was a crap ton of running. We did the first lap around the building which is a quarter mile. Then we did something they called the Indian run. The last person sprints to the front of the formation and so on. We did this for two laps around the building. I couldn't keep up with the sprinting, but I managed to keep a very slow jog/walk/cry behind the group so at least I wasn't a total loser. After that we did several minutes of planking. Trainer mercy gave me a couple of those minutes on my knees, but I still tried to mostly do it on my toes.
The in-gym portion consisted of a whole bunch of torture. We learned the kettle ball maneuver. You hold the kettle ball at about a quarter squat position and then you thrust it forward to swing it over your head. Then there was a super fun thing where you squat on to a medicine ball and then as you come up from the squat you throw another medicine ball up a wall and as you're catching it you are squatting back down. Good times!
The relays today were bear walking, broad jumping and then just sprinting. In between there was push-ups and sit-ups. At the end we did this crazy thing... It's somebody's plan, but I couldn't hear the name. Trust me I'd be cursing their name if I knew it. You do 20 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, and this cycle continued for 4 minutes for each thing we did. It was sit-ups, the kettle ball thing and the infamous burpees. (Which I still can't do properly.)
Here's the thing. I did not rock this. I know that I was universally pitied or worse.
I am tapping into the I don't give a fuck side of me. I did it. I did it as well as I could do it. Maybe I could have done it better, harder, faster -- it feels like that when you're the Monday morning quarterback against yourself. But I am what I am.
Maybe I am always going to finish last, but you know what? At least I finished.
I will try to talk about the food soon because it really has been quite the adventure!
hugs,
Heather
The in-gym portion consisted of a whole bunch of torture. We learned the kettle ball maneuver. You hold the kettle ball at about a quarter squat position and then you thrust it forward to swing it over your head. Then there was a super fun thing where you squat on to a medicine ball and then as you come up from the squat you throw another medicine ball up a wall and as you're catching it you are squatting back down. Good times!
The relays today were bear walking, broad jumping and then just sprinting. In between there was push-ups and sit-ups. At the end we did this crazy thing... It's somebody's plan, but I couldn't hear the name. Trust me I'd be cursing their name if I knew it. You do 20 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, and this cycle continued for 4 minutes for each thing we did. It was sit-ups, the kettle ball thing and the infamous burpees. (Which I still can't do properly.)
Here's the thing. I did not rock this. I know that I was universally pitied or worse.
I am tapping into the I don't give a fuck side of me. I did it. I did it as well as I could do it. Maybe I could have done it better, harder, faster -- it feels like that when you're the Monday morning quarterback against yourself. But I am what I am.
Maybe I am always going to finish last, but you know what? At least I finished.
I will try to talk about the food soon because it really has been quite the adventure!
hugs,
Heather
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
This one's kind of brutal and wordy
So, I didn't sleep well last night. This led to a little bit of a nervous breakdown today.
I mean, it's not normal to cry when you're getting your bangs trimmed because your nice hairdresser asked how you were doing, right?
Well, first off. I didn't sleep well last night. And the reason I didn't sleep was because I was reliving all of my mistakes and failures from the boot camp. Feeling like crap because I couldn't finish things or couldn't do them well. Feeling intimidated by the next few weeks and the workouts getting harder and harder. Just reliving my failures over and over and over.
It was a long night.
I tried to spend most of today suppressing those feelings. But they were lurking. I talked to BFF Tina on the way to my bang trimming and tried to verbalize why I felt this way, but couldn't. She admitted that she didn't know if I wanted her to kick me in the ass or be supportive and listen. Trouble is, I didn't really know either. Which made me cry a little bit more. By the time I got to the chair for my hair love, needless to say I was pretty much at the edge...
This experience is really tapping into my inner fat kid. The inner fat kid inside my outer fat girl. My inner fat kid was never an athlete. Even when the inner fat kid got skinny and was in high school. I was in softball for five minutes and sucked and quit. Took tennis lessons for about 10 minutes and sucked and quit. There weren't many more attempts. I tried to get out of gym as much as possible, and I'm relatively certain that one of my few C's in high school may actually have been in PE.
I'm not telling you these things because I'm proud of them. I'm dealing with a lifetime build-up of what it feels like to be picked last in kickball.
It's depressing to be in this social pressure situation again and not feel any different than I did at 13. And while I felt some of this during the body challenge days, it was different because my failure didn't result in punishment for my teammates. It's the ultimate shame to be one of the reasons that my team now has to do burpees instead of getting a minute to breathe. And I dig way down to the bottom of my soul, and (as that song says) I feel nothing. Even with that shame and desire to flee embarrassment, I do not feel like an athlete. I do not feel an athlete in there. I just feel like someone who sometimes tries to do athletic things and then quits them.
"If I try and I fail, there's no more one day." - Laurie on Cougar Town
Because this is the other truth. I can think one day I'm going to be able to run or one day I'm going to be bad ass or whatever, but the truth is that once I start trying if I can't do it -- then I can't pretend that one day it's going to happen.
I guess I'm afraid of the failure. I'm afraid I'm going to try and quit again. I'm afraid I'm never going to have the inner stuff to push myself and keep pushing myself. I'm afraid I'm going to look this way and feel this way for the rest of my life.
I guess I'm just afraid.
Maybe I've always been afraid? I want to find that place that takes this fear and uses it to empower myself, but folks I hope you're sitting down -- life is not a Nike commercial. It doesn't always work that way. For people like me, these types of spirals don't always end in triumph.
I'm being this honest on the world wide web because I want my hand full of readers to know how much I appreciate your support on Facebook and when you see me at work. It means so much. It means way more than I'm going to be able to express to you directly because that would involve letting down a couple of my giant brick defense walls. So, this level of depressing honesty is for you.
Love,
the inner fat kid picked last for kickball
Monday, April 16, 2012
Boot Camp - 1 down
40 people divided into teams of 10. The instructors asked for volunteers to be team leaders from military and rescue personnel. One of the only non-depressing parts of this was that I was not the last person picked. ::phew:: It was really like kickball all over again.
Here's the workout of the day (WOD in Crossfit speak)... We warmed up by running (or in my case run/walk/jog/cry) 800 meters. Then we did relays of walking like a bear for a distance I couldn't tell you and sprinting back; broad jump the same distance and sprinting back and then lunge walks the distance and then sprint back. Each of these we did two times each. The losing teams then had to do burpees as punishment. In between sessions. I pretty much sucked at all of this, but the lunging was far and away the worst. I have always sucked, sucked, sucked at lunges. And then to have to do them while walking? And to have to touch the knee to the ground? I mean, they had minimal work-around -- one girl had to go back because her lunges were improper. I almost cried at the thought of that. Luckily, praise the Gods, they had some pity on the fat girl and for my second round my team leader Leah came and helped me through it. SO awesome!
Then we went into the gym. Because all of that was on the asphalt. Photos of knee to follow, but I can't complain because we had some bleeders. I think they're a lot more bad ass than my princess self and didn't mind the blood. Good for them.
So, in the gym, we were told that the box jump is the most basic Crossfit move. And in all of the Crossfit stuff you see on the web, this is one of the most common things done. I literally could not do this. It was mortifying. Finally, one of our awesome trainers took pity on me and told me to just step on it. I wanted to jump on that box so bad I could taste it. I could literally feel the box under my feet in my head. But trying to tell that to my ass and gravity was just not working out... Maybe Wednesday?
We partner up. Of course Tina and I partnered up. The routine is box jump for a minute, squats for a minute, then push-ups for a minute. You do 3 rounds of that then switch off.
And when you see written down what we did, it doesn't seem like much. Yet, by the faces of the people in the room, it was a lot. I know that when I almost puked, I (to steal Tina's line) realized I had never worked out a day in my life. Not even in the body challenge. Or at least, my body forgot the body challenge.
I'm not going to quit. I have 11 more sessions plus the challenge day and I am going to get through this.
And then I may never work out again. :) Just kidding -- I hope!
I'll talk about my diet next time I write, because that has been quite the adventure.
I'd hug you but I can't lift my arms,
Heather
Here's the workout of the day (WOD in Crossfit speak)... We warmed up by running (or in my case run/walk/jog/cry) 800 meters. Then we did relays of walking like a bear for a distance I couldn't tell you and sprinting back; broad jump the same distance and sprinting back and then lunge walks the distance and then sprint back. Each of these we did two times each. The losing teams then had to do burpees as punishment. In between sessions. I pretty much sucked at all of this, but the lunging was far and away the worst. I have always sucked, sucked, sucked at lunges. And then to have to do them while walking? And to have to touch the knee to the ground? I mean, they had minimal work-around -- one girl had to go back because her lunges were improper. I almost cried at the thought of that. Luckily, praise the Gods, they had some pity on the fat girl and for my second round my team leader Leah came and helped me through it. SO awesome!
Then we went into the gym. Because all of that was on the asphalt. Photos of knee to follow, but I can't complain because we had some bleeders. I think they're a lot more bad ass than my princess self and didn't mind the blood. Good for them.
So, in the gym, we were told that the box jump is the most basic Crossfit move. And in all of the Crossfit stuff you see on the web, this is one of the most common things done. I literally could not do this. It was mortifying. Finally, one of our awesome trainers took pity on me and told me to just step on it. I wanted to jump on that box so bad I could taste it. I could literally feel the box under my feet in my head. But trying to tell that to my ass and gravity was just not working out... Maybe Wednesday?
We partner up. Of course Tina and I partnered up. The routine is box jump for a minute, squats for a minute, then push-ups for a minute. You do 3 rounds of that then switch off.
And when you see written down what we did, it doesn't seem like much. Yet, by the faces of the people in the room, it was a lot. I know that when I almost puked, I (to steal Tina's line) realized I had never worked out a day in my life. Not even in the body challenge. Or at least, my body forgot the body challenge.
I'm not going to quit. I have 11 more sessions plus the challenge day and I am going to get through this.
And then I may never work out again. :) Just kidding -- I hope!
I'll talk about my diet next time I write, because that has been quite the adventure.
I'd hug you but I can't lift my arms,
Heather
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Post Boot Camp post
Sooo, yesterday was the orientation for my Crossfit Boot Camp experience. I don't think fear begins to describe the emotion that I am having. Because yesterday was just the orientation. There wasn't even a "real" work-out, just the fitness test. Which, by the way, if they were grading, I probably failed. (Nothing like falling over during squats to really shine, huh?) But this is why I'm so scared -- that was just the initial test and today I can hardly walk. I'm actively mentally fighting my inner hater voice that says there's no freaking way I can do this. The warm-up is a quarter mile run, I could barely do that when I was going to the gym every day. And they repeatedly said that the fitness test was NOTHING compared to the real work-outs.
What was the fitness test? All the squats you can do in a minute, all the push-ups you can do in a minute, all the sit-ups in one minute, a broad jump and a timed 800 meter run. The run almost killed me, especially after the squats. (At least now I know that's equivalent to half a mile, so I feel pretty good that I at least didn't actually die while doing it. But then I think -- it's only half a mile and I'm proud I didn't die??)
Their blog mentions a fireman's carry. Is it even legal to ask someone to carry someone as big as me when there is no actual fire??
And then there is the diet... They have a really strict caveman diet they expect you to follow, and they're borderline religious about it. Luckily, BFF Tina has agreed to go on this journey with me and she'll be staying here for the next few weeks so that may make it easier. Or harder. It will make it something. We'll find out on May 11 when it's all over.
I am going to do the best I can to follow the food program, but giving up milk and dairy products is going to be the hardest part. Mostly because I'm in total denial about the giving up alcohol part. There's already one known fall of the wagon because I'm going to Sertoma next weekend and I would honestly rather stay fat forever then not have fun at that. Sad, but so true.
Anyways, there's no whining allowed at CrossFit. But no one ever said I couldn't go on the internet machine and do it here in the privacy of my blog! :)
If I can lift my arms, I will continue to keep you posted...
Heather
Monday, April 2, 2012
If only changing my mind burned calories
So, our neighbors/friends/partners in bad behavior are joining a Crossfit Boot Camp starting this month. And when they told me this, I am not making this up -- I actually felt a little jealous. Maybe even more than a little. And then I realized that there was no reason that I could not join along.
Other than my total complete terror.
So I just decided to pretend that didn't exist and I have just given them my credit card number and signed up.
Yeah, the terror is still there. Here is a link to their website. It's burpees and push-ups and all of the things I'm not great at and mortified of being mocked about being bad about.
Plus I have this biggest loser fear of puking.
But, I did the body challenge at our gym and never completely died of shame. [Sidenote: that particular post is very bittersweet to me, since I had such aspirations of being under 200 and this is still a goal I have not met. Not that I'm super-actively trying or anything, but I digress into beating myself up.] This seems like it is going to be much, much harder. But if I was looking for a kickstart, this should be it, right?
So, consequently I won't be swimming yet. The boot camp is :::gulp::: three nights a week from 7:30 to 8:45 (extra 15 minutes puking time thrown in, apparently) and that's the timeframe I was planning on swimming and lessons, et cetera. The orientation is Saturday the 14th and then the classes start that Monday.
And they end the night of my 39th birthday. Exercise til you puke instead of party til you puke, huh? I'm so freaking mature! :)
Have a great Monday -- I'm off work and trying to figure out how to waste my day since I just got up...
hugs,
Heather
Other than my total complete terror.
So I just decided to pretend that didn't exist and I have just given them my credit card number and signed up.
Yeah, the terror is still there. Here is a link to their website. It's burpees and push-ups and all of the things I'm not great at and mortified of being mocked about being bad about.
Plus I have this biggest loser fear of puking.
But, I did the body challenge at our gym and never completely died of shame. [Sidenote: that particular post is very bittersweet to me, since I had such aspirations of being under 200 and this is still a goal I have not met. Not that I'm super-actively trying or anything, but I digress into beating myself up.] This seems like it is going to be much, much harder. But if I was looking for a kickstart, this should be it, right?
So, consequently I won't be swimming yet. The boot camp is :::gulp::: three nights a week from 7:30 to 8:45 (extra 15 minutes puking time thrown in, apparently) and that's the timeframe I was planning on swimming and lessons, et cetera. The orientation is Saturday the 14th and then the classes start that Monday.
And they end the night of my 39th birthday. Exercise til you puke instead of party til you puke, huh? I'm so freaking mature! :)
Have a great Monday -- I'm off work and trying to figure out how to waste my day since I just got up...
hugs,
Heather
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