Your blog queen has returned!

     Annnnnd I'm back.  Yeah,  yeah, yeah -- I know that I have actually been back for a while, but whatever.  I returned home December 15.  It was a 7 week deployment and was much harder than my trip through what I called the Tour of the 'villes in 2011.  I never really felt rested, though a lot of that was self-induced.  I split my time between being at a "CAT site" (a dedicated place for people to come and visit) and doing field work (going to people's houses -- or what was left of them -- and helping them inventory the household goods they lost in the flooding).  Being on site had highs and lows of being busy -- we'd go through periods of tons of traffic and not have a minute to breathe followed by hours of waiting for someone to come.  It was not easy to make good food decisions, because you were making those decisions with a group of people.  Plus, meeting people who were going through this horrible tragedy was emotionally draining -- I gradually started being friends with carbs again.  And wine and I, we just got reacquainted.  Many, many, many long talks into the wee hours with my friend Wine were had...  In the beginning, I was making good decisions with my diet*, though I did fall completely off tracking.  But, I was paying attention to what I was eating, watching my portions, and just trying to make good choices.  This did not last long.   It was slow at first, but moving in to the field really sealed my fate in that regard.  It's a 12 hour day and there was a LOT of driving between different appointments.  You never knew how long each appointment was going to be, how bad the traffic was going to be getting there, if there was going to be open places to eat where you going...  (Oh, I was based in Long Island and I was mostly around the southern part.)  I ate on the road a lot and went back to my staples from the 'villes -- almonds and beef jerky and lots and lots of caffeine.  I think I drank even more caffeine this time then I did last year because being so caffeinated really helped keep my appetite at bay.

If you have specific questions about the deployment itself, I am happy to answer.  Send me a comment here or message me on Facebook.  I sent out a series of emails while I was gone about some of my experiences, and I would be happy to share those.

So, now I'm back (from outer space...) and consciously decided that I was going to stay off the wagon and then join the cliche of getting back on track in the New Year.  I do so hate being a cliche, but they exist for a reason.  I have gained about 5-10 pounds since I left.  I know that if I really get committed, this part of it will be "easy" to take off since it is new weight.  But I know that getting committed is where I struggle.  It's probably where you struggle too, right?

What're we gonna do about it?

Here are some of MY plans...

As for me, on New Year's Day, no matter how hung over I am (and I will be, let's not kid ourselves here), I plan to rip off the band-aid and get a workout in.  If the weather cooperates, I plan to do the 5k I marked out here in my neighborhood (mostly just walking -- though in the one, lonely work-out I did while I was gone, I was able to run for most of it) and if not, then I'll be at my gym.  Along with all the newbies who are really, really, really going to do it this time!

I'll also be going back to Fat Church.  I am hoping that my beloved Wednesday meeting will still work, but any meeting this time of year is going to be crazy crowded with newbies.  I need to find a meeting that works with my schedule and has a leader that I like as much as my current one -- harder to find than you think.  In full honesty, the group that goes also plays a part.  I frequently sample meetings that filled with knitting grannies and this is just not the place for me.  I like the ones where the members really should be stopping at an AA meeting on their way home -- like me! (We don't want to quit drinking, we just want to learn to do it moderately.  Or to be moderate enough in everything else that we can still drink...  Or something.)  So, finding a NEW meeting, but going to meetings no matter what.  Getting back on track with Weight Watchers will be a key component in my "recovery."

My plans also include finding a new race to train for.  I'm thinking about utilizing the Couch to 5k Plan so that the next 5k I do, I can run the entire thing.  I'm considering joining the biggest loser challenge at my gym again -- that was a great inspiration to me the when I started this journey and I have no doubt will be again.  If that doesn't work, I will definitely be trolling the groupons for some type of boot camp (though NOT cross fit -- no nervous breakdowns while working out again!) so that I can incorporate strength training -- an area where I really don't feel confident.

I think that's enough for now.  I met a lot of inspiring people while I was on this tour.  One of them bought inexpensive exercise equipment, which he says he does on every deployment and walked the stairs.  Another ran daily while we were gone.  Another also wasn't really on track with workouts, but did make good food decisions on the regular and one of his first check-ins when he came back was at the gym with the tag line "yesterday we said tomorrow and we meant it".  I LOVE that -- that's how I want to approach 2013.  I said I was going to get to my goal weight by my 40th -- and I meant it!

Can't wait to share my journey with you!

hugs,

Heather

PS -- *The use of the word diet in this and every post is intended to mean food choices and not the stereotypical usage of the word diet (or die with a t).  Even when I am actively following the Weight Watchers plan, I do not consider myself to be on a diet.  That's not just something that I say to make people believe I drank the Kool-Aid.  Weight Watchers is just the most effective tool I have ever found to help me be responsible for what I eat and become more moderate.

Also, this is but a small sampling of photos from my trip but for some reason I'm getting locked up and unable to post more.

Still feeling "some kind of way"

I think the TMI portion is that I'm PMS'ing (and using too many initials).  I really do have that blah, I don't care about anything feeling that I used to "cure" with overindulgence.  One of the only things keeping me from going down the drain is that I keep coming here and talking to you about it.

But the fact is that I know me.  I'm on the verge of a full-bore blown out overindulgence.  I've been teasing it with some festivities over the last couple of weekends, but I've been managing to pull back and rein in.  Not enough to get back on a losing track, but at least enough to maintain.  And when I'm feeling this kind of way?  Maintaining is like losing.  It doesn't feel like it when I get on the scale at WW and get my little sticker with either no loss or, this week's case, a tiny gain.  But in the back of my head, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I know that I should be grateful that I'm maintaining.

I should be, but I'm not.  I'm mad at myself for slacking.  Just not mad enough to knuckle down and do the work.

Yet.

Here's my plan...  Planned overindulgence.  If I don't leave for CAT deployment -- which is starting to look like a possibility -- then I will be heading to an awesome party at my neighbor's house this weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It's going to be legendary and a great place to really revel in an overindulgence blow-out.  There's going to be an amazing amount of food and beverages.  I'm going to get a work out in before the party so I'll be feeling primed and then it's on.  No holds barred.  No tracking, no fretting just pure overindulgence.  Like a rock star.

Sunday will be recovery.  For obvious reasons, I'm making no real plan.  BUT if I had a plan?  It would NOT include beating myself up for the experience, because I'm going into it willingly.  And then Monday, it's getting back on plan and staying there.

This will mean tracking regularly and more faithfully.  Making sure that I get in at least 2 APs a day.  And planning better than I have been so far.  I've been lucky so far because I'm winging it a lot, but now I'm really fully in the "old weight."  (That's a topic for another blog, I think.)  It's going to be even harder from here and it's not gonna happen until I fully get over this hump.

Ugh.  Such a series of downer posts these last few times.  Hopefully I'm going to turn this corner soon and I'll have some triumphant stuff to post again soon.

Wait again?  Well, whatever.  You know what I mean.  :)

hugs,

Heather

The Mental Part

One of the reasons that I enjoy Ms. Bitchcake's blog so much, besides the gorgeous pictures of New York is that she will frequently write about what goes through her head during her various work-outs.  Especially in the last few years when she's been super-active.  (If you're looking for inspiration on your  own journey, I really recommend reading her early posts.  While she is very awesome now, it's not the same since she's already reached goal and not losing anymore.)  Anyways, I think about this all the time -- mostly because I have so many varied thoughts during my own workouts.  Frequently involving how I don't want to do them.

And I started trying to write this last night and got distracted...  Which actually worked out, because tonight's Weight Watcher's meeting topic was, in part, about the mental part.  We talked about habits and how long it takes to create them (66 days, studies have shown and here's your link if you'd like to read that) and then how long it can take to break them.  (My quip was it depends on how good the cookies are...)  We talked about bad habits that we have broken or ones that we need to break.

I think about this a lot.  Sometimes while on the dreadmill, as I mentioned above.  I don't really feel wholly cured of many of my bad habits (see also: wino, strapping on tortilla chips like a feedbag), but I feel like I'm an evolving work.  Every chance I have to go one way or the other, when I go in a direction that feels "right" I feel like that's progress.  But these are small steps.  And while I recognize and give myself credit for these particular activity points -- I know that I have a long way to go.  I KNOW that I have not fully embraced a full lifestyle change.

I know this because I still like to party like a rock star.  One thing that's changing about that is that even when the things I am tracking are embarrassing - I am still tracking them or trying to.  And yes, I did track the shots I did on Saturday night thankyouverymuch.  Sometimes, I just overcount but I'm really trying to be diligent when it comes to this.  I'm trying to make the formation of a habit feel like the actual habit, but it's still tricky.  It's the hardest exercise I do -- the mental part.  So, as so often is the case, got the perfect quote from our awesome leader Sherrie tonight -- "Your body can do anything -- it's just your brain you have to convince."

I will keep this in my mental bag of tricks as I prep for the 5k in October and as I continue to work to be a natural Weight Watcher.

hugs,
Heather

Reflection leads to action

One of the things I regret the most about the time that I wasn't blogging regularly is that I like to go back and read past posts in order to gauge my progress.  This is one of the reasons I blog.  It's one of the reasons I decided to start posting a scale photo at the beginning of every month.  Since I wasn't blogging last summer during the Summer of Lovehandles, I don't have comparison with where I'm at now.

But, now as we are -- sadly -- winding down and summer and heading in to Fall, I am getting close to where I picked up writing again.  I picked up this gem from the end of September, which is mostly all reflective and gave us the mantra "today is just today."  But at the end, I write about a gym visit, and I stated that I did an under 16 minute mile.  Well, yesterday I did 3.27 miles on the old dreadmill and my pace was 14:14 minutes/mile.  AND that was mostly running!  This comparison to how far I've come and the fact that I ran almost the whole thing...  It all gave me the confidence to FINALLY sign up for another 5k!  

Oh my God!

It's for Susan G. Komen for the Cure and it's on October 13.  As soon as I figure out how, I'll try to set up a way if you'd like to donate on behalf of my fundraising.  Here's the link to the Susan G. Komen Tidewater homepage until I can figure something else out.

Holy crap, this means I will really need to get over my anxiousness about running outside.  I want to try to run the whole thing and my goal is to do it in 40 minutes or less.  I think this is a VERY reasonable, attainable goal given where I am right now and the fact that I have 2 months (almost) to train.

Excited, nervous, scared...  But, hey -- at least I've got something new to write about!  :)

hugs,

Heather

The End of Staycation Rambling

When we last left our heroine, she had done 30 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday morning and rounded out the evening in bad-ass activity-ness by doing a 50 minute cardio kickboxing class.  And that was at the relative beginning of staycation...

What did the rest of the week hold?  What indeed!

As far as activity:  Wednesday I got a run in.  30 minutes on the dreadmill and hit 2.21 miles. Thursday there was minimal activity but LOTS of errand running -- why can't you get activity points for getting in and out of your car 1000 times?  Friday was spent at the beach and I counted a bit of activity points for the running back and forth to the water and just dancing around and loving life.  I think next summer instead of getting in shape so I can go to the beach, my plan is to work on getting in shape AT the beach. Lots of ways to get activity and it's out in the sun so that's even better!  Yesterday I got another run in on the dreadmill, and hit 2.20 miles.  I wasn't rocking it, to be sure, but I had so much pent up energy and what I lacked in the running part I made up in the inclines.  (My new thing is that when I don't want to run anymore, I jack the incline way up during the "rest" - so even if I'm going slow, I'm still getting a work out.)


As far as being on plan:  Well, it's been up and down.  I have been trying to track as much as possible.  But I've also been on staycation, so there's been a bit of partying going on, because you know -- I'm still me.  :)   My BFF and I fulfilled a lifelong dream of singing karaoke in Suffolk on Wednesday night and helped roll up the streets there.  Twice.  Crazy night and led to day of poor decisions fueled by exhaustion.  It started with an order malfunction at Starbucks and didn't improve much from there.  Scott and I went down to the Outer Banks on Thursday night.  While I didn't do well in the abstaining from drinking department, I did do very well in the snacking department -- ate grapes and cherries the whole night!  Friday we spent at the beach as long as the dust storms would allow -- it was a shorter trip than we would have liked.  But, it always is!  All in all, Friday wasn't great for being on plan, but Saturday it went totally downhill.  At least I got that run in.

And today?  The end of staycation?  Minimal activity, ate a large amount of potato chips which I DID track, but all of the wine I have had since dinner?  Not so much...

The problem is that I'm currently in this really dangerous point of my weight loss journey.  I feel GREAT!  I am so happy with how my body is looking and the things that I can do (more on this) and just feeling crammed full of endorphin.  I actually want to go work out.  Can you imagine?  And part of this is because of what I just was saying about things that I can do.

Like squatting.  Normal people probably don't think about squatting.  It's not a big deal to them.  But I've never been able to squat for any length of time and certainly couldn't do it without falling or holding on to someone.  But lately, I've been able to get into a squatting position and stay there for a period of time.  Without feeling like I'm going to die.

Anyways, it's a dangerous time.  I've blogged about this before.  When I feel this good, I feel indomitable.  And that makes me make poor decisions (more wine, please!) and also makes me think I look good in clothing I have no business wearing.  Shopping gets risky and iPhone self-portraits start taking over all my data usage.  I feel ridiculously sassy and really have to watch myself.

I need a sitter!

Hugs,
Heather

Wistful

I miss the unbridled indulgence.  I can't lie about that.  I'm an overindulger.  I know this, you know this, the wine store knows this...

And it's not like I don't still overindulge.  But it's not unbridled.  Even when I let loose and really fall down (ha -- sometimes literally!), I've still got a calculator running in the back of my head or I can feel a finger wagging in my head or something...    And while I KNOW that this is a good thing to get me to where I want to be and all that... Sometimes I just want to eat out of the bag of Doritos while standing in the pantry, you know?  Eat a cookie without thinking about how many points it is.  Not worry about how much exercise I'm getting.

I miss being fat.  I mean, I'm still pretty overweight, but I weigh 35 pounds less than I was when I started this blog last year.  And when you weigh 229, you can eat as many cookies as you want, take the elevator, eat 3 pieces of pizza, drink a bottle of wine and eat popcorn for dinner, et cetera.  You can be a slobby mcslobberson.

But you're not going to be happy.  You'll just be faking it.

I am enjoying getting my activity in.  I do enjoy the challenge of figuring out what to eat and how to maximize my points.  I'm still learning how to do both of those things better.  But am I ever going to get to a place where I can satisfy my stress by not wanting to eat or overindulge?  I'm still not there.

Work in progress as ever,

Heather

It IS fair

Remember when I was telling my friend that I don't look at gaining .2 as a gain, that it was more like maintaining?  Of course you do, it just happened!  I'm struggling to remember my own sage advice now because I had an increase of .4 this week. It's really hard not to look at it as a real gain.  Deep in my heart, I know that this is nothing to sweat and I'm still trending in the right direction.

Deep, deep, deep down I know this...  Up top, it's hard not to be a little hard on myself.  To re-examine all of my missteps.  The primary one being living it up like a rock star on Saturday night.  Thinking that I was impervious.  I knew that it was going to show up.  I was talking to my work buddies about that today.  There were cookies and one of my buddies was indulging.  We calculated that points and she declared that it was worth it.  I generally don't indulge on weigh-in day, feeling superstitious that it will show up instantly with every high point thing I eat.  I didn't say exactly this, but did say that I was weighing in and wanted to cut back as much as possible.  I said that I was not expecting a good weigh in anyways and wanted to try to cut my losses.  My buddy, being a good buddy, asked why I thought so?  I reminded her of my rock star/bullet proof status on Saturday night and I knew that was going to be bad news.  And she uttered my favorite quote of the day, "For one night?!  That's just not fair!"

No, friend.  It's not fair.  But that's the point, isn't it?  She said it almost like the scale was punishing me and making me pay a tax for one night of frivolity.  Like I was nearly innocent.  But that's the thing -- I wasn't.  And while I don't want to hold myself over the fire for having one night that resulted in a week where I don't lose, nor can I pretend that those things don't matter.  That it isn't "fair."

Because it IS fair.  I didn't track that night and I played it a bit loose the rest of the weekend.  And what I preach to these work buddies (who are also having their own go at WW) is that if you don't track it -- you're not doing it.  I get up on my glorified soap box (when it's not being used to bitch about various work issues) and point fingers and preach.  It's annoying.  I get mad at myself when I do it.  I did this the last time I was on WW seriously.  It's not inspiring, it's just annoying.  Because, really what I need to do is step off the box, turn my finger around to myself and get right with my own self.  I know that it works when I do it, and I know it because I did it and it worked.

I'm not even close to letting this crush my spirit.  It's .4 for pity's sake.  But don't get it twisted -- even these minor setbacks are what I need to grit my teeth and be more committed to going forward.

Boot Camp - 1 down

40 people divided into teams of 10.  The instructors asked for volunteers to be team leaders from military and rescue personnel.  One of the only non-depressing parts of this was that I was not the last person picked.  ::phew::  It was really like kickball all over again.

Here's the workout of the day (WOD in Crossfit speak)...  We warmed up by running (or in my case run/walk/jog/cry) 800 meters.  Then we did relays of walking like a bear for a distance I couldn't tell you and sprinting back; broad jump the same distance and sprinting back and then lunge walks the distance and then sprint back.  Each of these we did two times each.  The losing teams then had to do burpees as punishment.  In between sessions.  I pretty much sucked at all of this, but the lunging was far and away the worst.  I have always sucked, sucked, sucked at lunges.  And then to have to do them while walking?  And to have to touch the knee to the ground?  I mean, they had minimal work-around -- one girl had to go back because her lunges were improper.  I almost cried at the thought of that.  Luckily, praise the Gods, they had some pity on the fat girl and for my second round my team leader Leah came and helped me through it.  SO awesome!

Then we went into the gym.  Because all of that was on the asphalt.  Photos of knee to follow, but I can't complain because we had some bleeders.  I think they're a lot more bad ass than my princess self and didn't mind the blood.  Good for them. 

So, in the gym, we were told that the box jump is the most basic Crossfit move.  And in all of the Crossfit stuff you see on the web, this is one of the most common things done.  I literally could not do this.  It was mortifying.  Finally, one of our awesome trainers took pity on me and told me to just step on it.  I wanted to jump on that box so bad I could taste it.  I could literally feel the box under my feet in my head.  But trying to tell that to my ass and gravity was just not working out...  Maybe Wednesday? 

We partner up.  Of course Tina and I partnered up.  The routine is box jump for a minute, squats for a minute, then push-ups for a minute.  You do 3 rounds of that then switch off. 

And when you see written down what we did, it doesn't seem like much.  Yet, by the faces of the people in the room, it was a lot.  I know that when I almost puked, I (to steal Tina's line) realized I had never worked out a day in my life.  Not even in the body challenge.  Or at least, my body forgot the body challenge.

I'm not going to quit.  I have 11 more sessions plus the challenge day and I am going to get through this. 

And then I may never work out again.  :)   Just kidding -- I hope!

I'll talk about my diet next time I write, because that has been quite the adventure.

I'd hug you but I can't lift my arms,
Heather

Post Boot Camp post

Sooo, yesterday was the orientation for my Crossfit Boot Camp experience.  I don't think fear begins to describe the emotion that I am having.  Because yesterday was just the orientation.  There wasn't even a "real" work-out, just the fitness test.  Which, by the way, if they were grading, I probably failed.  (Nothing like falling over during squats to really shine, huh?)  But this is why I'm so scared -- that was just the initial test and today I can hardly walk.  I'm actively mentally fighting my inner hater voice that says there's no freaking way I can do this.  The warm-up is a quarter mile run, I could barely do that when I was going to the gym every day.  And they repeatedly said that the fitness test was NOTHING compared to the real work-outs.

What was the fitness test?  All the squats you can do in a minute, all the push-ups you can do in a minute, all the sit-ups in one minute, a broad jump and a timed 800 meter run.  The run almost killed me, especially after the squats.  (At least now I know that's equivalent to half a mile, so I feel pretty good that I at least didn't actually die while doing it.  But then I think -- it's only half a mile and I'm proud I didn't die??)

Their blog mentions a fireman's carry.  Is it even legal to ask someone to carry someone as big as me when there is no actual fire??

And then there is the diet...  They have a really strict caveman diet they expect you to follow, and they're borderline religious about it.  Luckily, BFF Tina has agreed to go on this journey with me and she'll be staying here for the next few weeks so that may make it easier.  Or harder.  It will make it something.  We'll find out on May 11 when it's all over.  

I am going to do the best I can to follow the food program, but giving up milk and dairy products is going to be the hardest part.  Mostly because I'm in total denial about the giving up alcohol part.  There's already one known fall of the wagon because I'm going to Sertoma next weekend and I would honestly rather stay fat forever then not have fun at that.  Sad, but so true. 

Anyways, there's no whining allowed at CrossFit.  But no one ever said I couldn't go on the internet machine and do it here in the privacy of my blog!  :)

If I can lift my arms, I will continue to keep you posted... 

Heather

Frustration Rambling

Part of my frustration with myself is my lack of trying to do something to get my diet in line.  I don't mean go on a diet, I'm against that.  But to start paying attention to what I'm eating, controlling how much I'm eating (and drinking) and getting that under my control once and for all.

I have navigated away from writing about my journey for so many reasons.  I make proclamations (the Twitter experiment that wasn't ring any bells?) and then feel embarrassed that they're out there on the web.  I stopped posting my weight, because it stopped changing.  A major source of frustration, more on this.  I feel like I only talk about minor or major gym victories (too many links to bother here).  And even when I commit to writing more and even dowloaded an app for ever-present phone, I still haven't committed.

I am frustrated with myself.  One of the primary reasons is my weight not changing.  It will occasionally drop a pound or two, but it always goes back up to where it was.  Granted, at least I'm staying there, but I would like to drop a pound or two and then stay THERE.  That's the frustration.  I know I weigh myself too often (every day is definitely not the recommended amount), but I also know that when I don't know every day where it is then I get complacent.  I may have "only" lost 20 lbs last year, but at least that 20 lbs is staying off no matter what!

Here is what I see as the three MAJOR obstacles to overcoming this plateau I seem to be rooted in and figure out the way out.  One, I need to be accountable for the food and beverages I am consuming.  I know about how many calories I'm burning a day, but I don't know how many I'm taking in because I am NOT being honest with myself.  But for whatever reason I seem to chronically allergic to starting tracking again.  I have at least 3 apps in my phone for this as we speak and can't seem to do it.  Action plan:  I'm going to try to kick it old school and write it down in a little notebook.  I'm going to try to start just by getting in the habit of writing things down without measuring like I will eventually.  The first step is just being honest that I'm eating whatever I'm eating or drinking what I'm drinking.  I will start tomorrow morning.

Two, I need to branch out my exercise.  I cannot continue to only do cardio all the time and expect to see any changes.  I need to start incorporating some strength training if I really want to see my body change the way it was starting to during the body challenge last year.  I am weighing options on how to attack this, but I think ultimately I am planning on getting a personal trainer for a while to start kicking me in to shape. 

The biggest obstacle?  Me, of course.  I still do not believe that I am meant to be a healthy, active person.  I feel doomed to a life of couch potato-dom and can't seem to turn my mental game around.  Any tips on an action plan here would be greatly appreciated.  How do I get my head engaged and believing that I can physically do more than I do -- and motivated to try and do it?  Because right now, the mental push-ups I have to do to go back to the gym after missing a few days are incredibly rigorous and remind me me of just how weak that mental motivator muscle still is. 

That's all for now -- lots of love!
Heather

A Whiny Musical Interlude

Even if you're not a musical fan, you probably have heard at least a portion of Maria's gleeful song from West Side Story "I Feel Pretty." 

Yeah, well, my most recent setback has me singing a similar tune in my head, only it goes "I feel lumpy -- oh so lumpy and dumpy and gray!"

I know that I should just keep my head up and my resolve strong, but it's just brutal.  I've got some kind of sinus infection thing (my godmother calls it the Tidewater crud) and I've had a red nose from vacillation between clogged and runny for about a week.  I did make one foray to the gym last week at the on-set, but it got progressively ickier and harder to breathe so I've been pretty much seat-bound since.

And not feeling well also lends itself to less than wise eating habits.  Which means that I'm not doing the best job of controlling my environment and just mindlessly sticking food down my throat to make myself feel better.

Which only makes me feel worse because I can't move either.

Kiosk says that she has all kinds of workout routines planned out so she never has an excuse not to exercise.  I'm not sure how to get around the not being able to breathe through my nose thing though.  Am I just being too wimpy?  Or too hard on myself for not being more of a bad-ass? 

I'm not sure.  But I do know that between my red clogged nose and my general lumpiness, every time I pass a mirror I just try to avert my gaze and get past that as quickly as possible.  Which makes putting on my make-up and doing my hair pretty interesting, I gotta say! 

I'm weighing myself and luckily there hasn't been any upward scale activity as a result of my downward mobility, but I'm just afraid that I'll do like I always do and let this set back set me all the way back. 

I think it's a good sign that I am anxious because I can't exercise, but if I'm not pushing myself to get up and try I'm not sure how good of a sign it is...  I guess time will tell.

Venting,
Heather

Warning: Sassiness can have consequences

Funny thing about that sassy post, it had a bit of a bad outcome.  I was feeling so sassy that I decided to wear my cute boot-shoes (what the heck are those things called?  Booties?  Booes?) that night instead of my more sensible tennis shoes...  That decision was made despite the fact that we had to walk a few blocks back and forth to the metro (we were in DC).  The fashion over function debate that all women face whenever there is an outing.  Yeah, bad decision.  I have wound up straining or pulling or something to my left calf and STILL cannot stand up without a bit of a "unh" that is OH so sexy!

So, consequently, I have been skipping the gym.  Because let's be honest, I'm still at that stage (aka my entire life) where getting a hangnail seems like a good reason to go the gym.  It gets better and easier, but then anything happens and I'm right back to being ready to just embrace fatness again.  To paraphrase Kiosk, most of the easiest, most relaxing times are when I decide to just keep it on.  And I struggle with that a lot.  After the sassy post, we spent some time with Scott's sister, because she was the reason we went to DC.  She is teeny tiny thin and it's impossible not to feel like a dumpy giant next to her.  Even though I knew that it's not even physically possible to be that thin, not that I would ever even want to do the amount of work that it would take to stay that thin -- I just felt frumpy.  And I've been trying to shake off that ghost since then.

And it's particularly hard to shake the feeling when I'm NOT feeling like going to the gym.  Or when I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits and catch a look in the mirror and think that I so do not look as cute in mirrors as I feel in my head and how grotesquely unfair is that.  Because then my favorite outfit isn't my favorite outfit anymore??  Which means I have to go shopping and who wants to shop when they feel frumpy?? 

One of the things I've really been focusing on to try to shake the frumpiness is one of my epiphanies about what I have accomplished this year. In one of my earliest confessions I told you that my weight was 230.8.  That was when I was getting ready to join Weight Watchers the first time.  Since I have started trying to re-focus, I have been weighing myself daily (more on this in another blog) and I've stayed hovering around the 210 mark.  My lowest this year was 204.  I've been focusing on the fact that I gained 6 lbs back, but I have decided to shift my thinking and realize that despite all of my jumping off the wagon I have managed to keep off 20 lbs this year.  That is 2 pounds a month.  Most people would not be happy with losing 2 pounds a month and I say -- good on you!  If you can lose more AND keep it off for good, that is great.  But I've been there.  I've lost 50 pounds.  50.  That's not easy and (obviously) it's not easy to keep it off.  If I continue to average 2 lbs a month until I get to a size I'm comfortable with, I think that's an average that is sustainable for a lifetime.  Maybe I'll get to a point where I get more focused and want to lose more.  And then, good on future me!

But as for present me -- I'm just trying to find life support to get out of this frumpy feeling and get back to sassssy.

"So this is what commitment feels like"*

I'm trying to get back in to blogging, as you can hopefully see, but every time I fail at a commitment I made to myself I think, "I don't want to write about THAT!  I can't tell them that happened..."

But I guess that's supposed to be the point, isn't it?  It can't be all running and staying on the wagon and eating rice cakes (:::shudder:::), now can it?  (Shut up, I know it was never like that!) 

It's going to be falling off the wagon and strapping on a bag of Tostito's like it's feedbag (AKA Tuesday) and one day last week where I think I consumed almost nothing but sugar and caffeine.  (That was so bad that I did almost blog about it to get away from the shame, but I was probably too wired to form coherent thoughts about it.)  The question is do I write about that?  Do I want to publicize my descent?  Do I think NOT publicizing it will mean it's not happening?

Well, yeah, I think there's a part of me that definitely thinks that.  Not like an active conscious thought, exactly...  I was talking to Kiosk about her sugar trigger, because she is coming up on a difficult time frame to deal with that.  She asked me for advice on how to deal with it, even though she acknowledged that she didn't really expect me to have any.  (Gee, thanks!)  I suggested exposing herself -- not literally perv.  She has a cake batter weakness because no one is around to see her eating it when she makes a cake.  I suggested invite someone over to her ostensibly to "help" make the cake, but really they're helping by not leaving her alone with the cake batter. 

And then I thought, "doctor, heal thyself."  Because that's my thing.  If I don't blog about my failures, then that's like snarfing the cake batter alone, isn't it?  If I commit to something and then don't follow through, what difference does it make if I'm committing it to myself?  No one is there to see when I screw up.  Again. 

Here are just a few of the things I have recently committed to and not followed through:  not drinking during the week, working out at least three times a week, following the plan at Spark People and you get the idea.  I commit to doing something or commit to avoiding something but the end result is the same: lots of not following through followed by strapping on a bag of Tostito's and the cycle continues. 

The problem is that I can't just not try to commit, because that's not going anywhere good.  So, I think what I'm going to do is just commit to one thing at a time.  Once I've fully embraced that commitment and it's become a habit then I'm going to move on to another thing.  Because right now if I have wine at night, that's a shame spiral.  And if I don't track what I eat, then that's another excuse to have a calorie ball because I'm already in the shame spiral from not tracking it in the first place.  Sometimes I think I make commitments just so I can break them and dive in to the shame spiral.  (Epiphany!)  So, that's not going anywhere good either.  I don't know if this is the best plan towards success.  After all, I still hold a hope that I will end the year in the onederland.  But, I do know that since I have started to get back on track, I have only been successful with one thing at a time.  (Eww, kind of a bit like AA, one day at a time...)  So, I'm going to get back to being regular with the gym and once I have firmly accomplished that then I'm going to work on layering from that.

I will also try to keep blogging as I go.  But, that is TWO things so...  ;-)

Heather

*PS* Note on title:  Because I signed up for Spark People, I have been inundated with motivation emails.  Sometimes they are short parts of board posts from their in-sight bloggers.  This was the title of one that I did a rare save in my inbox so that every time I checked my mail I saw that.  I kept thinking that I too wanted to know what commitment feels like.  But, not in a cheesy annoying way -- in a way that's more kick-ass then that particular post turned out to be. 

A New Auld Lang Syne

     Many people know that one of my blog-spirations is the blog created by Ms. Bitchcakes, because she's a former fat girl who fell in love with exercise.  She also has a blog over at Weight Watchers and a recent post got me thinking....

     In this post, she talks about how a simple question from her allergist gave her the foundation for the inspiration to be a runner.  Something she never thought she would be or do and now she is preparing for the 2012 NYC Marathon.  Now, I don't want to be a marathon runner, but I would like to be able to run.  I have always seen this as something that other people do.  I don't run, because I'm not those people.  And I think I look like a dork.  And I have to breathe really hard and I tend to pray for death.  I mean, I don't call it the dreadmill for nothing. 
     But, you see, I am frequently reminded of a simple question that someone asked me and it's one of the driving forces as I get s l o w l y back into my work out routine.  I alluded to it in this post.  I was still working out at the gym at the office.  I had a disappointing work-out because I was using the dreadmill (that was the change in my cardio I was referring to) and felt like I didn't really get it in.  As I was walking out, my now boss was leaving work for the day.  We didn't really know each other, other then the fact that he hung out with the people in my cube quad...  In fact, I know that this conversation made no impression on him because it was one of those weird after-work awkward pleasantries exchange -- you know the kind you do because the only thing you have in common with this person is that you are stuck walking in the exact same direction to your parking lot?  Made further awkward because someone smells like a gym and someone doesn't?  Yeah.  Anyhoo, what he said was "did you have a good work-out Heather?"  And because he didn't know me, I'm POSITIVE that he was probably only expecting some trite answer like "yeah, sure" -- instead of my response, which was "No, frankly, it was a bit disappointing."
     I'm sure I followed it with something along the lines of, anything's better than nothing or whatever.  But the fact that I responded with expressing my disappointment -- I have never forgotten that.  Because that is a feeling that I struggled to get away from when I was "in it to win it" earlier this year and it's a struggle to get away from now. 
     But, the thing is that when gaining and losing weight is your primary hobby -- every stage is familiar.  After New Year's Day, if you blow that -- well you just declare another day New Year's Day and THAT'S the day by gosh that is really going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
     Except it's not.
     Because the first day of the rest of my life started over 38 years ago.  All the rest?  Well, that's just been my life.


     And today is just today.

It was one of those weird stupid a-ha moments this morning.  "Today is just today."  It's not the first day of anything, it's not the last day of anything.  There's nothing that I do today that is going to necessarily be the beginning -- or the end -- of anything.  Today is just today.  And today I just have to do the best job that I can to not feel disappointed by myself and the effort that I give to this progression.  And tomorrow, I'm probably going to have to do that too -- but that's tomorrow.  I'm going to let that work itself out.  Today is just today.  I'm just going to work on today and the things that I can do today. 

    Today, I did get up and go to the gym.  And I did a 5 minute elliptical warm up and then I got on that dreadmill and I manage to do an under 16 minute mile.  Will I do that tomorrow?  Don't know.  Because that's tomorrow's problem.  Today is just today.  Today I did not drink at night after yet another long day.  I did not have the extra cup of coffee I was starting to get a little too dependent on.  I managed to avoid eating a fair amount of crap.  And today, I got on the scale and decided to stop kidding myself.  Today I stared at my weight and realized that I was kiddding myself before.  Because I've been to the gym a few times, I've forgiven myself a whole host of unacceptable behavior and have actually gained 3 pounds (or more) since I started back.  Today, I decided to forgive myself.

And that was the most important decision of all.  Will I be able to make that decision tomorrow?  Will my work out be disappointing?

Don't know.  I'm stil in today.

Heather

Tip-toe

So, I thought I was back in June, but clearly that was not the case.  Maybe I'm not back for good, maybe I am.  Let's just take this one post at a time, mmmkay Pumpkin?

My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles.  (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.)  And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought.  The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty.  This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good. 

I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide.  I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case.  I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before.  I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise.  And then there's the exercise.  Of which there has been next to none. 

Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready to get back on track.  I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever.  This was HUGE for me.  It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier.  That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome.  Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing.  I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy.  Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed.  I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill.  I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud.  It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.

And so is blogging again, right??  So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!

Seriously, where the f* have you been...?

Hello....  hello...?


Yeah.  I stopped blogging.  I know.  I'm the one who did it, so you don't have to keep telling me, okay? It's kind of like people telling me I'm funny, like I don't know.  Most of the funny things I say, I say to amuse myself and I'm delighted if you happen to be amused too.  ;-)

If you had to guess the reason for the absence, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard. I fell off the wagon -- hard.

I had a big heaping, nasty tasting dose of reality and let me just tell you kids -- it ain't for suckers.  Staying on any kind of exercise or diet routine is difficult under ideal circumstances, especially since I was never someone who self-motivated well.  So, trying to stay on track while I was gone for so long and then returning home to bumps in the road...

I wound up being on CAT duty for about 5 weeks.  I returned home on May 23.  I worked out twice the entire time I was gone, but I did try to watch what I ate.  During the last part of my duty, I was sent to learn how to adjust hail damage claims so I was climbing a lot of roofs and much more active then if I was doing what I did in the first half of my duty.  This contributed to me not only being able to maintain what I had lost up until I left for CAT duty, but also managed to drop another 4 lbs.  I attribute this in part to the decision to purchase a scale when I arrived at my last destination so I could stay on top of my weight. 

Upon returning home, I had a multitude of excuses for why I couldn't go back to the gym right away.  I planned to go right after Memorial Day, treating Memorial Day like the New Year's Eve of summer I called it...  Then over Memorial Day weekend I got horrifically sunburned and the idea of putting on tight clothing and exerting myself (one of my worst burns was the top of my feet -- where I neglected to put suntan lotion) was just too much to bear.  Then when I just had started to recover from that, I developed some kind of summer chest congestion with difficulty breathing and a lovely cough and stuffed nose.  Can't really exercise if you can't breathe...  When that finally abated, I frankly just had a bad case of the lazies.  I was already out of the habit and finding the will again was getting harder and harder.  And THEN -- my mom broke her hip and there was/is hospitals, rehab, drama which lends itself to a whole lot of drinking and not a lot of exercising.  Sure, it's a great tension reliever -- if you can make yourself go!!

SO.  Here we are, now a full month that I have been home from CAT duty and still not back at the gym training for that triathlon.  I have still maintained a minimum 20 lb weight loss and fluctuate down to almost 24, but not in the Onederland yet.  I want to be healthy and I want to be active, but when life bitch slaps you around it can be super hard to get motivated to get back on track.

BUT, I have some NSV's -- found a pair of white capri pants that fit and look good (any fat girl will tell you how hard this is), planning a VERY active vacation that we leave for next week and have generally maintained fairly good eating habits -- except for the drinking.  My new resolution is to get back to the gym when we get back from vacation.  I'm ready to get back in the habit and treat myself right again.  Some of the motivating factors have been the handful of people who do read my blog and tell me how motivating they think I am and how much they appreciate my sharing what I'm going through.  That really means a lot to me and helps me get focused on what's important -- ME!  And also, friends that I have that are in the same boat.  I had a chat with a girlfriend at work today who was beating herself up about how much she's let herself go and how unhappy she is with where she is.  She finally joined a gym and has started going.  And I basically told her (and now, you -- my 4 readers) -- forget the past.  It doesn't matter.  You are wasting energy beating yourself up for basically being a human female.  Life happens and when you have a lot on your plate, you want to put a lot on your plate!  Just accept the fact that you made these mistakes and then find the way to move forward and congratulate yourself for any step you take in the right direction.  Even if you "only" went to the gym one day this week, that was probably one day more than you went the week before.  And I bet one more day than you really felt like going -- am I right?  But you went anyways.  THAT'S the point.  Every teeny tiny thing you do does count -- it may not make the scale move quickly, but it's a step in regaining your confidence in yourself that you can do this thing.

Because you know what, we CAN do this thing!  Now get out there and let's kick some ass...  I mean, after I get back from vacation...

A Complex Love

Well.  It finally happened. 

I miss working out.

So, here's an update since my last real post 13 days ago.  Last Tuesday, my former boss asked me if I wanted to deploy for CAT assistance (more on what this means) the next day.  Since I had already volunteered to be on the "go" list, I said yes.  The day before, I had completed two work-outs and had aggravated a weird strain in what my grandma used to call your "giddy-up" -- this is the tendon area between your groin and thigh.  I decided to skip my Tuesday morning workout because I was still sore and I figured  I would just go after work.  WRONG!  After work, I was then relegated to running around packing and trying to decide what to bring for an indefinite period of time for CAT duty.

CAT duty means catastrophe duty.  When something catastrophic happens (like the tornadoes that have hit so many parts of the country), insurance companies deploy adjusters to assist in adjusting claims.  It's a very stressful time because you don't know the area, you don't know the situation and you are meeting people after they have been through some of the worst disasters that have ever happened to them.  You're on the road a lot and when you're not, you're in your hotel room working on estimates and calling customers.

Needless to say, it is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle.  Especially if your hotel does not have a gym.

Which mine does not.  Now, people who are truly dedicated to the lifestyle would have found a way.  But, I'm just not a big go outside and find a path to walk/run in an unfamiliar area.  On a side of town that I'm not convinced is the "good" side.  Off of a main 50 mph road.  So, no -- I'm not that dedicated.  I did recently decide that I could just walk/run circles around the hotel, because how is that different than doing it around a track?  But, I just figured that out today and I just didn't get very far in that process.

So, I miss working out.  A lot.  So much so that I came up with the crazy idea that the goal I really want to work towards is being able to do a triathlon.  I told Scott this and he mocked me -- because I can't even swim.  That's why it's a goal you work towards -- like a Masters degree.  It takes time to get to, but if I can work towards being able to accomplish it then imagine what good shape I'd be in.

Anyways, as much as I dreaded the gym for various reasons -- I miss the tedium of the elliptical and the dreadmill.  They gave me confidence in myself and confidence that I was working towards a healthier lifestyle.  I'm trying to be good here, but it's impossible at night when we get together because it's drinking friendly. 

The CAT is excellent experience for me and the direction that I want my career to go, but I hope I can get back home to my routine and my cardio soon!

The Good, the bad and the Unfashionable

Well, Spring is springing.  This is a season that gets most people excited about warm weather on the horizon and the chance to bust out their toes and revel in the freedom from turtlenecks.

Most people, but not fat people.  Or not this fat person anyways.  Maybe you are not affected by the change of seasons.  Maybe it doesn't create the same level of heartburn in you that it does for me.  If not, you may want to peruse other blogs and pop back in at the next entry...

Since 2004, when I first started caring about the extra weight that I carry, the change of seasons traditionally induces a sort of panic.  What the heck am I gonna wear?  Usually I am in some sort of weight adjustment, up or down and nothing in my wardrobe is appropriate.  Too tight or too small or just too "what was I THINKING?!" 

In fact, I have quite a lot of "what was I thinking" in my wardrobe.  Things that I purchased just to get through a season, to fill in gaps.  They are quickly too small, too big or just too blah for me to want to wear -- and yet I hold on to them.  If I emptied my closet and drawers of all of the clothes I have purchased to try to survive another temperature change, I would probably have all kinds of additional storage space.  That's not even addressing the containers shoved under my bed.  (But this is perhaps fodder for another blog of the future -- Inside Heather's Disorganization.)

Shopping results in a lot of frustration, particularly when I am in a transitional phase either up or down.  Nothing seems to fit right and Lord knows I am not going to find a tailor, much less pay them to alter a $30 pair of pants.  And I'm not going to spend more on "good" pants when I know that this time I am going to get down to (name current desired size) once and for ALL.  So, capris bring with them the humiliation of too tight in the thighs and too loose in the waist and the joy that is my cankles.  Skirts must be flame retardant in order not to catch on fire from my thigh friction.  Dresses are frequently sleeveless and my arms haven't been much to write home about.  Not to mention the material that these adorable dresses are made of frequently are dead give-aways that I am a lady who does not glow but sweats, thank you VERY much!  Tank tops?  With these boobs?  I think not.  Even shoes are menacing.  The adorable espadrilles that were so popular last year have those laces that go up your calf and just look like a giant neon sign that says "CANKLES ON BOARD". 

I have a shopping event coming this weekend.  While I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend, the time in the dressing room is looming over me like a dark cloud.  But since I'm writing this in April wearing a turtleneck because of the lack of dressing options and the blessing of a cooler day (I'm not going to lie -- climate change is friendly to the clothing challenged) it is time to find some transitional options.  I'm hoping to find some options that are both budget friendly and more representative of usefulness through the summer, but I'm guessing I'll leave with a maxi dress to wear to Sertoma and a renewed vow to get more serious about adding extra workouts to my week.

Happy Spring anyways!

hugs,
Heather

Slippery slope

I AM sorry for the much delayed post about the start of the body challenge at the gym (aka the biggest loser). It's been a crazy few days since then -- more on this in a moment...

The kick-off for the challenge was on Saturday at 9 a.m. There was no work-out this time, it was informational only. The owner of our gym owns 3 gyms in the area, so the three teams are each of the gyms. It's a 12 week challenge. The first Saturday of each month we meet up for a "club challenge" where all three teams compete against each other in a work out at Mt. Trashmore. (Just in case some non-local wandered on here, Mt. Trashmore is a local recreation place that was indeed made out of trash.) The other Saturdays we have an hour long meeting at the gym which includes a "fun" work-out and an informational topic.

At the kick-off, they gave us the food plan and the exercise goals. I won't get too mired in the exercise goals -- lots of cardio and strength training. It's not rocket surgery, after all. They strongly suggest doing cardio in the morning. Yesterday, I did get up at 6:30 am and did 30 minutes of cardio before I had to go to a doctor's appointment at 8:30. Today, I was not as good but it was because I had to leave so early to take my mom to an outpatient surgery and I'm just not ready to get up at 5:00 am for anyone. Yet. When I am back at work next week (I'm on staycation this week), I may have to get up a bit before 6:00 in order to get to the gym and back and showered, etc in the right amount of time. I'm working on it.

I've NEVER been an early riser or someone who thrives on being up in the morning. Many years ago I had a 6am shift at my job (can you imagine?), but I still wasn't ever raring to go. BUT, part of the diet challenge is that they want us to try not to drink coffee. SO, getting up and going to the gym totally eliminates the need for coffee. I mean, I'm saying this after one day, but trust me -- I didn't miss it at all yesterday. Not that I'm a caffeine-a-holic, I usually have one travel mug a day. But, it's just the idea of it.

ESPECIALLY with all of the dietary restrictions on the new diet... It's definitely challenging. SO challenging that Scott and I spent like 3 hours on Sunday trying to figure out what we were going to eat. I'm afraid I'm still not 100% on target, but I'm working on it. It's a focus on a specific caloric, protein, carb and fat goals. It's targeted eating based on a weight where I have less fat or something. It's not the end target weight -- the weight the calculations are based on is 210. I think the targets get lower as the weeks go on. I'm supposed to eat about 1833 calories a day and there are other targets for fat, protein and carbohydrates. I'm not doing so hot on the protein so far. The protein goal is like 229 or something. It is very hard to eat that much protein in a day, we're finding. Especially while trying to keep fat and carbs down to a minimum. Very challenging! But one of the keys things with the diet plan is that they never want you to feel hungry so they want you to eat something every 2-3 hours. I'm also failing at that. In part because I had a 4 hour trip to the MRI yesterday which of course put me way off track.

The crazy days in general have been wreaking havoc. I didn't workout Friday through Sunday, and there was a lot of bad eating behavior on Saturday when we were confronted with the challenges of the weeks to come.

And here's where the title comes in. The slippery slope. When I don't do everything 100% correct -- which how often is that really going to happen? -- I start to beat myself up a little. And that leads to a lot. I don't want to beat myself up. That's the point of why I started doing this in the first place. Started changing my life.

And that's the thing. I'm changing my life. A life that's been going in the wrong direction for a while healthwise and it's not going to change in a few weeks. It's going to take time. BUT. Where is the line between allowing myself some room for mistakes and sliding down the slope into all of my bad old habits again? I don't want to forgive myself but so much, you know? If I skip a day of cardio because my mom had surgery, is that forgivable? What if it's just because I don't wanna?

And don't get me started on the self-abuse for not starting strength training yet. Sigh. It's a slippery slope, and I definitely need some traction.

hugs,
Heather

Other things to work on

In addition to needing to work on losing half of myself, I need to figure out a way to regain the self-esteem I lost when I got this way.

I feel so much more awkward in social situations than I used to and it's because of how uncomfortable I am with how I look. And the frustrating thing is that I've looked like this for a while now, but it's like I woke up one morning... It's the Emperor's New Clothes! Everyone knew I was fat but me and now I think that they've been pointing and laughing at me this whole time for being fat and not realizing it.

Well, not that I didn't know I was fat, that's ridiculous. Of course, I knew. But, I didn't care for a while because I was just a little fat. Ha! Anyway, I continued to be "okay" with being a "little fat" because I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do to not be. So, a little fat turned into a little bit more fat and then a little bit more fat and then the next thing I knew, I was standing next to fat people and they were asking me to commiserate with them. And at first I was like, why does she think I can relate to that? And then, I don't know, I found a mirror. And realized how much I have been avoiding mirrors in order to keep up my delusion that I was just a little fat.

So.

On the one hand, now that I have this attitude of trying (TRYING!) to do something about it, I feel like I should be allowed to wear some kind of sign that says "Hey, I'm working on it!" You know, so people know.

Because the thing is that people who have never been fat have no FUCKING idea how hard it is. None. They just think why doesn't she just eat right and exercise? Is she actually going to eat that? Why is she taking the elevator - no wonder she's fat? And I know this because times in my life when I have not been this ginormous I have thought those same things. And even, mortifyingly enough, preached them to people. Because, much like the blog authors of the blog's I'm following, I truly, truly believed that if I could do it and get it to work for ME, then anyone could be successful. And that was that re-found self-esteem.

What people who have never been fat (we've got to come up with a name for them other than skinny bitches) don't realize is that even when you get that drive to eat right and exercise, it's still hard as hell. You don't just run around the block and lose 10 pounds. And you definitely don't run around the block and suddenly have everyone stop looking at you as a fat person -- because they don't know you just ran around the block! Because again, it's not like you can wear a sign.

And would you want to? That's a whole other Pandora's box. Because I'm working out at work, I'm forced to see people who know me and see that I'm working out. And you see that look that they give you of support and encouragement. Or that's how it's meant, I am guessing, but to me it just feels condescending as fuck. Hey, look at you -- you realized you were fat! Good for you! Sweat it out girl! Because this flies directly in the face of me not wanting to talk about it. And I know that I don't want to talk about it, because I fear failure. And if I don't tell you that I'm doing these things, then I don't have to talk about my progress and how it's going and how much did I work out and oh, am I going to EAT that?!

All of these spiralling thoughts are what got me out of my cozy bed at 7:15 on a Saturday morning.

Basically, my fat woke me up. To berate me for being fat. And I'm just so over it. So, I'm going to keep walking around the block and trying to do better and forgive myself for my indulgences last night and just keep holding on. And try to find that self-esteem along the way.