Saboteur, revisited

Nothing like sending a call-out asking for folks to join you for a dance party and get no response.  Awkward.  :)  Anyways...

Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log.  This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month.  As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target.  Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now.  *sigh*

It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me.  But, who am I kidding?  What am I blaming the universe because it's out there.  ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!")  I'm the one who sabotages myself.   Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:

I'm the one who sabotages myself.

Perhaps a tattoo is in order?  In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror?  Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh.  Even for me.  Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing.  And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them.  This is maintaining.  I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so.  I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time.  Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185.  I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good.  Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!  I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to.  But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up.  I am never going to give up on myself again.  Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?

I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.

I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011.  It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.)  I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself.  This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering.  I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before.  Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that.  Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there.  This is really old weight that I'm losing now.  Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping.  But I will get there.  

                                However long it takes.

hugs,

Heather

Catch up with photos

Not a WHOLE going on in Heather's Fat News...  I've recently been taking some bathroom shots at work, so I'm adding them here for posterity.  Thanks everyone for all of the positive feedback on the red dress.  I DO love that dress and just felt AWESOME in it.  The polka dot was actually a blast from the past.  I wore this to BFF Tina's wedding in 2007 and I can finally fit in it again.  I was feeling super sassy in that too, until someone said I looked like Minnie Mouse.  What?!  

Still trying to get ready for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  Finally actually did the correct 5k I mapped out in my neighborhood.  I really need to run more often than twice a week, but I also need to do a lot of things.  One thing at a time.  I recently started writing a blog post about ways to make work outs fun.  The thing that exercise enthusiasts are always preaching about.  I had this crazy idea -- girls' night out bootcamp.  You get together with your girls and work out to earn activity points (or pre-burn calories, whatever your thing is) to go out and party like a rock star.  An added bonus is a little extra tightness to wear your favorite party dress!  A skew tangent version of this would be to plan activity dates with the girls.  One of my best friends at work (BFAW) and I have been going to Mount Trashmore after work and doing a loop.  And of course, my original BFAW inspires me to go for walks at work all the time.  The bottom photo is just a random shot from the USAA walk.

And the middle torn jeans photo?  Well, that was an old pair of jeans that got torn at the thighs from my fat pushing out...  And now they're too big!  I bought a replacement pair one size down at Old Navy this weekend.  They only had one pair my new size in the style I like in the store.  Which turns out to be a blessing, because they're the slip down style that the young people seem so fond of these days.  My old favorite style is no longer being made.  Boo!  Still, SO nice to finally be down a pants size.  Losing 40 pounds and only down two pants sizes since the journey started?!  I mean, that's crazy right?  I think because this time I'm incorporating so much more exercise than I ever did the last time that perhaps there's more muscle there.  But, things are trending in the right direction -- I was finally able to buy 2 pairs of almost knee high boots.  Something that my luscious calves would never have let me do before!

I don't want to over-sell the things are going great position.  I've definitely been sabotaging myself a lot lately.  I mean, just because you can mix vodka with water by using drink mix packs in doesn't mean you should....  To excess, anyway.  There have been a few slip ups with bags of food and tying them on like a feedbag.  Some remembered, some, uh, not.  I have definitely learned that even healthy crunchy food is still a trigger that I CANNOT have around.  I'm just glad that it was healthy so I could minimized some of the shock and horror I felt when it was over.  It will be a while before apple or veggie straws are here again.  

This week I'm going to work on getting back to basics.  Making sure I get at least 2 activity points in a day, minimizing the weeknight drinking and getting back to religiously tracking.  I'm pretty good with tracking, but I've slipped a bit this weekend and I don't want this to become a habit.  

Huh, I guess more to report than I thought.  I'm off to watch the Emmys -- have a great week!

hugs,

Heather