Saboteur

Feeling a bit bummed and hard on myself.  Thought I'd talk to you about it.

(Before I get too far down the beating myself up on the WWW path, let me acknowledge that, er, biology is in part to blame and it could well be a non-issue in say 5 days or so.  AND this probably has a scosh to do with my spiraling negativity.  But enough of stereotypes and back to my whining...)

I'm still stuck at the line.  Hanging on the verge of the Onederland. I've put myself there in part.  I've overindulged in wine this past weekend.  I'm not exercising as much as I need to.  So, I'm sabotaging myself because I'm close to this line that I'm afraid to cross over.  And how f-ed up is that?  I'm afraid of success.  And the worst part is that I already know this about myself.  I have known this for a long time.  It's part of my girl Peter Pan syndrome.  Here's the spiral.  (If you're a reasonable put together kind of person, you may not be able to follow.  Be thankful that you don't need a therapist, and just move on to either another blog or some other post in this one...)

Once I start being successful with weight loss, that means that I am really going to truly accept that it's my lifestyle now.  I'll have to exercise.  And eat right.  And ask how things are made when I go to restaurants.  And all that crap.  It's the diet* version of being a grown up.  I will have to be responsible for myself and my actions.  Yuck.  I'm just so not a fan of this.  But, that's the reality.  If I am successful at losing weight, then I'm going to have to grow up and be responsible.  I'm deathly afraid that this will mean that I will be boring.  Because I'm already pretty close to boring now. 

*Note on the usage of the word "diet":  Tonight in our WW meeting (aka Fat Church as anyone who ever read my old blog knows), we had a good discussion about how WW is not a diet -- it's a lifestyle.  In my less cranky-pants moments, I not only agree with this but I embrace it and preach it.  But here's the fact:  it takes a long time and a lot of responsibility to get to where that feels more like a valid truth and less like it's a "diet."  Because the lifestyle that got me here is one that is about embracing excess.  Anything less than big is going to feel like a diet for a long time.  It's why I believe so much in Weight Watchers, but also what makes it so hard for me.  The key thing that I have learned in each journey of WW is that the greatest key is moderation.  You really can have anything you want but you either have to have it in moderation or if you ARE going to go "all out" you must recognize that that is a splurge and "pay" for it.  It's a struggle for me because moderation and I get along about as well as Republicans and Democrats.  Oil and water.  Chocolate and beer.  So, if I can't be moderate, then I can't have it.  To the untrained eye, this gives the appearance of being a "diet."  I'm not indulging in things that are considered off limits.  But it's not that I really consider those things to be off limits.  For example, a co-worker brought in Krispy Kreme donuts the other morning.  Did I want one?  Hell yes.  But I calculated the points and it was 6 points.  I just didn't want it bad enough to spend 6 points on a donut.  I knew that it may lead to another donut and then that's at least twice as much.  (Sometimes two of something is more than double the points -- the magic of WW math.)  So, I didn't have one.  Does this mean I'm not going to have a Krispy Kreme donut ever again?  That I have denied ever wanting or needing a donut again?  Not bloody likely.  But I need to know that when these challenges come my way that I can decide not to indulge.

I recognize that my journey is about recognizing limitations and accepting them.

And accepting myself.  Even when I fail.  Like when I hang over the stupid Onederland waiting to fall.   And obtaining the wisdom to know that falling is not proactive.  Leaping is. 

In my head this ended on a pithier words of wisdom note, but I can't quite get that last line right and now I just want to go to bed.  :)

hugs,
Heather