It's time for one of my somewhat regular bitching sessions about "being hard on myself." Usually these sessions are prompted when more than one person makes the comment to me that I am, surprise, being too hard on myself. And, then I, being who I am, think, "well that sounds like a blog topic."
Because I know that Susan really wants to read about this. ;-) (Should I give you a nickname and pretend that I'm talking about someone else?)
So, had a couple of instances of this relatively close together. One of them was at the crazy party last weekend and then another was with a co-worker. The co-worker one stemmed from a Facebook photo shoot in which I posted a picture of a dress I tried on with the comment that I liked it but my knees looked bad. She said I was being too hard on myself. I really didn't view it this way, I don't like my knees. Even when I weighed 125 pounds (stupid skinny girl who made bad choices), I didn't like my knees. I just don't have cute knees. Is that being hard on myself? I guess so. As for the previous one, I don't remember all of it because it was a crazy party but basically she said that I was being too hard on myself and that I was looking good and I should cut it out.
Well. Here's the more on THAT one. Yes. I AM looking good. There I said it. It's not like I don't walk past reflective surfaces, I know that I look good. But, I also know that I'm not where I want to be yet. So therefore I'm only going to keep looking better. And I don't want to be THAT girl.
Here's the weird analogy: my good friend Kiosk is pregnant (yay!) but it took her forever to "pop" and get her baby bump since it's her first baby. People kept telling her that she didn't look pregnant, she just looked fat. She's like is this supposed to be some kind of compliment? This is a baby and I worked my freaking ass off before to NOT be fat before I got pregnant. To circumvent this, she makes sure that everyone knows that she's pregnant.
I'm kind of the same way in reverse. I don't want people to think that I think I don't have weight to lose. (Yeah, yeah - I shouldn't care what people think. Go read some other blog, this isn't that kind.) I go to work and out and about and for the most, I try to look my best. But I do find ways of letting folks know that I'm working on it or whatever. Does this manifest itself by being "too hard" on myself? Probably. I'm working on that. But it's not going to get but so much better.
So, here's the thing.... Again. I DO know that I am looking good. I also know that I'm going to be looking even better. I'm excited about the progress and still trying to get there. I'm reluctant to be over-the-top with my confidence (in person, obviously I don't have as much of a problem here) but I know that my version of that can border on too much self-flagellation. I'll work on that.
Oh goody, something else to work on....
hugs,
Heather
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