Saboteur, revisited

Nothing like sending a call-out asking for folks to join you for a dance party and get no response.  Awkward.  :)  Anyways...

Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log.  This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month.  As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target.  Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now.  *sigh*

It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me.  But, who am I kidding?  What am I blaming the universe because it's out there.  ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!")  I'm the one who sabotages myself.   Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:

I'm the one who sabotages myself.

Perhaps a tattoo is in order?  In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror?  Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh.  Even for me.  Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing.  And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them.  This is maintaining.  I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so.  I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time.  Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185.  I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good.  Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!  I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to.  But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up.  I am never going to give up on myself again.  Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?

I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.

I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011.  It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.)  I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself.  This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering.  I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before.  Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that.  Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there.  This is really old weight that I'm losing now.  Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping.  But I will get there.  

                                However long it takes.

hugs,

Heather

The Tide is High

When things are going well, I try to ride the wave.  I think it's important to milk the good vibes as long as I can, because it won't be long before I'm standing in the pantry with my head in a bag of Doritos.

But enough about Thursday.

I managed to get to the gym three times last week.  And I haven't been talking about my workouts, but they've been going pretty well.  I can run the first mile -- without stopping.  I can't even believe it myself.  I still can't believe it while it's happening.  I want to stop all the time but I realize that it's a mental thing.  I don't want to stop because I am in pain or can't breathe -- but just because my brain can't grasp the fact that I'm still going and I'm not in pain and can't breathe.  

So, I'm going to find another 5k to do this Fall and my goal is to run the whole thing.  (I know I say this a lot, but please realize that when I say "run" that my running is fast people's walking.)  There is a Zombie run in October that I've been thinking about a lot, but frankly I'm a little afraid of zombies so...  Good reason to run, though!

As for my diet, it's been going pretty well.  I lost another point in my daily target because I hit 195.  (Technically, 195.6, but whatever.)  I am not always great about keeping track, but I'm trying.  Every day is a new chance.  At heart, I'm still a decadent over-indulger (but enough about last night!) but I know this and knowing is half the battle.  I'm in it to win it, y'all...

Or to lose it -- either way.

Have a good week!

Heather

It's official!

My WW weigh in card. Break on through to the Onederland!

Warning: Sassiness can have consequences

Funny thing about that sassy post, it had a bit of a bad outcome.  I was feeling so sassy that I decided to wear my cute boot-shoes (what the heck are those things called?  Booties?  Booes?) that night instead of my more sensible tennis shoes...  That decision was made despite the fact that we had to walk a few blocks back and forth to the metro (we were in DC).  The fashion over function debate that all women face whenever there is an outing.  Yeah, bad decision.  I have wound up straining or pulling or something to my left calf and STILL cannot stand up without a bit of a "unh" that is OH so sexy!

So, consequently, I have been skipping the gym.  Because let's be honest, I'm still at that stage (aka my entire life) where getting a hangnail seems like a good reason to go the gym.  It gets better and easier, but then anything happens and I'm right back to being ready to just embrace fatness again.  To paraphrase Kiosk, most of the easiest, most relaxing times are when I decide to just keep it on.  And I struggle with that a lot.  After the sassy post, we spent some time with Scott's sister, because she was the reason we went to DC.  She is teeny tiny thin and it's impossible not to feel like a dumpy giant next to her.  Even though I knew that it's not even physically possible to be that thin, not that I would ever even want to do the amount of work that it would take to stay that thin -- I just felt frumpy.  And I've been trying to shake off that ghost since then.

And it's particularly hard to shake the feeling when I'm NOT feeling like going to the gym.  Or when I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits and catch a look in the mirror and think that I so do not look as cute in mirrors as I feel in my head and how grotesquely unfair is that.  Because then my favorite outfit isn't my favorite outfit anymore??  Which means I have to go shopping and who wants to shop when they feel frumpy?? 

One of the things I've really been focusing on to try to shake the frumpiness is one of my epiphanies about what I have accomplished this year. In one of my earliest confessions I told you that my weight was 230.8.  That was when I was getting ready to join Weight Watchers the first time.  Since I have started trying to re-focus, I have been weighing myself daily (more on this in another blog) and I've stayed hovering around the 210 mark.  My lowest this year was 204.  I've been focusing on the fact that I gained 6 lbs back, but I have decided to shift my thinking and realize that despite all of my jumping off the wagon I have managed to keep off 20 lbs this year.  That is 2 pounds a month.  Most people would not be happy with losing 2 pounds a month and I say -- good on you!  If you can lose more AND keep it off for good, that is great.  But I've been there.  I've lost 50 pounds.  50.  That's not easy and (obviously) it's not easy to keep it off.  If I continue to average 2 lbs a month until I get to a size I'm comfortable with, I think that's an average that is sustainable for a lifetime.  Maybe I'll get to a point where I get more focused and want to lose more.  And then, good on future me!

But as for present me -- I'm just trying to find life support to get out of this frumpy feeling and get back to sassssy.

Bonus Pack: Three mini-blogs for the price of one

The Scale Photo

   Obviously there are not a lot of people who are willing to post their scale on the WWW, much less if it is over 200 pounds.  But, for those people it is perhaps because they are going in the wrong direction or they didn't start a blog dedicated to their fat (or the losing there-of).  And in either case, good for them!  Me, I was pretty f*ing happy to see that number on the scale this past week.  I first realized it was heading in that direction when I had a 213 weigh in the day before, but I was getting flukey weigh-ins under the 215 I had been stuck at and didn't want to believe it.  Then it dropped again!  My first week on WW showed a loss of 6 pounds.  A very exciting change! Non-scale victories (NSV) are great and all, but who are we trying to kid?  Actually, some day I really need to blog about the little song I sing in my head.  There's this old song by Johnny Cash called I've Been Everywhere (you've probably heard it, it was even in a commercial once).  I have a song I sing in my head to this tune that goes "I've Been Every Weight."  Actually, that would be the whole blog, so I guess I don't need to write it now...

Anways, I don't know if it was just time for the weight to start moving, if it was the first week of WW or the thermogenic but it was nice to see some change.

You're taking WHAT?

Yeah, I started taking a thermogenic.  It's something they encourage you to do as part of the Body Challenge, but I'm pretty against that stuff in general.  In fact, more than a few people approached me after reading my plateau related laments and mentioned cleanses or cleansing diets or something else of the sort.  If you are reading this as one of those people, I want to say that I really appreciate the sentiment behind the offer and the reason that I didn't respond was because of the above statement.  I really only want to do things that I can sustain long term.  Any kind of cut this, cut that, drink this, et cetera thing does not appeal to me.  The reason why I am such a fan of WW is because it really works and really helps me figure out a way to eat that works for me.  Consistently.  It gives me a road map to follow to eat in the real world.  And yet, here I am taking a thermogenic.  Without even really researching it or anything.  I feel like a hypocrite, but it's hard to feel so much like a hypocrite that I want to stop taking it!  My current plan is to keep taking it until I hit the Onederland and then go it au naturel for a while to see if it really does make that much of a difference. 

It definitely makes a difference in how much I pee, I can tell you THAT much!  I mean, sure, I'm drinking close to 100 ounces of a water -- or more -- a day, but I have been doing that for a while and I wasn't peeing twice an hour!  Yikes!!

ATTENTION: SHOPPERS

So, other news.  The shopping expedition.  That did not go as well as planned, but oddly it was not the soul sucking depressing event that it normally is either.  I am now pretty firmly between sizes, and it depends on the store which sizes I'm between.  I bought two dresses in a store I hadn't been able to fit in anything for a while, so that was a plus -- even if it was their biggest size, who cares?  And I had to go on size run a few times because the size I brought back to the dressing room was too big -- but the size down was still a bit too small.  I also did some shopping in my own drawers and have been able to fit into two pairs of pants that I haven't worn in a while -- that's a bonus!  My size 16 jeans that I have been so excited about getting back into now get loose the day of the first wear after wash instead of the next time around.  Still can't get into the 14's (I know, I tried on Saturday), but I can get them on which is a HUGE step. 

Let's Get Physical

Unfortunately, exercise news is not as exciting this week.  I am under siege by allergy creeping crud and just did not want to go this morning or after work.  Maybe if I go sweat it out I can release some of the pollen demons, but it is hard to convince myself of that when it feels like someone ran a rake down my throat.  And I just keep running into these bouts of lame work-outs.  Do you know the kind I mean?  I get up and get going on the dreadmill and then can't finish and have to switch machines.  At least I'm getting cramps in different parts of my legs, this is some sort of progress right??  And I have worked up to being able to do level 4 on the elliptical, which makes me feel like a Rock Star since Scott can't even do the elliptical.  (I know, it's rude to mention but he can RUN which is way harder than the elliptical, IMHO). But, there's only so much ellipticalling you can do without getting bored.  Which is usually the thing that brings me back to my nemesis the dreadmill (I WILL conquer you!).  It's funny, because I climb on and make all of these vague promises to myself about what I'm going to do.  "Okay, Heather you are NOT going to try to run at the 5 minute mark, you are going to wait until the 10 minute mark because you've been trying to go too soon..."  Or I say I'm only going to go 30 seconds instead of a minute or I won't run at all or I'll do incline intervals.  I do not stick to any of it -- I just get so bored.  I mean, the elliptical isn't super-exciting either, but I don't get bored.  I think it's because I do a program on the elliptical and then do my own intervals within that program.  Like I'll do the fat burner program but then every few minutes I'll push my RPE (warning: this link takes you to a ton of information about target heart rate and rate of perceived exertion) to 10 for the duration of whatever cycle I'm in.  My RPE at 10 puts me between 120 and 130 strides, depending on where I'm at with my workout mojo, whereas when I'm at average work-out (RPE of about 6 or 7), I'm at 106-113. 

Exciting stuff, right?  I found something even more boring than the dreadmill!  Listening to myself whine about it!  Ugh!

Anyways, I will try to post more regularly so it's not always 3 blogs in one, but don't hold your breath.

Seriously, don't -- that could add an extra ounce on the scale.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Confessions and stuff

First confession, I don't like my blog quote. I rarely eat donuts, but they are so synonymous with fat prejudice that I included it. I'm a wino and I eat unconciously in general -- these are my problems. Oo, and accidental second and third confessions!

Also, I decided to stop kidding myself and I'm joining Weight Watchers. It's an at-work program, which is nice because a lot of my co-workers will now be around to share tips with. But, that also means that I have to talk about losing weight with my co-workers, which is not something I'm super stoked about. It is what it is.

So, we had the initial info meeting on Thursday, but we don't officially start until this coming Thursday. That's our official weigh in. But they brought the scale in case you were "curious." And I'd been occasionally getting on the scale in the gym, so I knew but there's nothing like seeing it on that digital WW scale to bring back all of the combination of regret and desire to overcome.

And so, I am going to overcome my first big fear about why I thought I was not ready to do this and I'm going to put my weight here. On the web. For everyone to see. Because it is this kind of public number shaming or something that needs to go along with this journey that is finally, hopefully going to keep me on the right path once and for fucking all!

The number was 230.8.

Which means that I officially gained back all of the weight that I lost before, to the penny. "Luckily", I didn't go over like so many people do but I did get right back to where I started from. Which is not a good feeling, but luckily I'm at a place now where it doesn't make me spiral into a downward depression of despair. It is what it is. As I said before, I have had many good times getting to this point and I don't undermine that. I like to party and I can't imagine that getting on a healthier lifestyle is ever really going to truly cure that. However, hopefully, I will no longer see that I made it to Wednesday is a reason to "party."

So, there it is. Big confession.

I will also try to start putting up pictures and whatnot because the blogs I like the most have that going for them.

Now, Scott and I are off to the gym for an "orientation." I'm a tad nervous because this is the first time we have worked out together and he's a no pain, no gain kind of exerciser. Me, I'm like right now, I'm just happy that I'm moving!! I'm not trying to set the world on fire. Once I can build up a tolerance to moving and getting my heart rate up, then we'll start pushing more.

I'm admitting to my weight on the WWW, but I'm NOT crazy!! :)