Laboring to get back on track

And so now begins the work of reining back in and getting back on track.

Overindulgence weekend is drawing to a close and it was definitely devolving into sabotage. I'm not going to get into all the gory details. But there were definitely a lot of beverages and that means that I'm not sure what all I ate. There were many un-point friendly choices. I hydrated a lot and I definitely think that was important.  But, not enough.  That scale photo from 9/1?  I've got a lot of work to get back there, even if it is new weight.

Yes, the "new weight" I alluded to in my earlier post.  It's weight you've put on in a short period of time.  While losing weight is never easy, this is the easiest weight to take off.  For me, this weekend's weight is new weight.  Last glance at the scale had me at 194.  Now, 190 was something that hasn't been seen as regularly as I'd like -- but 194 was also behind me.  I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  But part of what's going to get me back to "the truth" is knuckling down. 

Step one started today, but as usual with me it was a bit of a clumsy start.  As you know, I'm doing the Susan G Komen 5k on October 13.  I am still working on getting over my outdoor running anxiety.  Today, I woke up and decided that I was going to work on that NOW.  I used Map My Walk and created a 5k loop in my 'hood.  Got dressed and prepared to hit the road.  I decided I was just going to walk the whole thing.  Just so I could remember what a 5k felt like and get acclimated to being outside, blah blah blah.  Less than the half mile mark, it started to drizzle ever so slightly.  Barely enough to be alarmed about.  I was at a part of my 'hood that I have walked dozens of times because it's the path to talk our dog Charlie to the park.  I was going to venture past my comfort zone into heretofore unchartered neighborhood territory...  It was exciting.  Unfortunately, just after I hit the one mile mark (I know this because the nice lady from Map My Walk told me), it started to rain a bit more.  The one mile mark happened to coincide with being near the point of no return.  I had passed the last recognizable spot to make a quick escape back home.  I was going to try to force myself through it, but then I realized -- who am I kidding?  I circled back and jogged/walked the rest of the way home. 

I was only gone 22 minutes and made it 1.41 miles.

Still, it's a start.  I know the course now.  It will still be there in the weeks ahead.  And I will try again.  And I WILL succeed!

I'm tracking again after falling off of that.  I'm thinking about restarting my weekly points today so I can have an easier start.  I'm on the fence about that. 

Anyways, now I'm being summoned to start the rest of my day -- and we're off!

hugs,
Heather

post script

  Now it's 10:49 pm and I'm back home.  I've had several cries.  I'm not going to be able to explain the nervous breakdown to you, though I may find myself trying.  I am not an athlete.  I don't have an athlete's brain.  When I'm letting people down who are counting on me to pull through, it's emotionally crippling.  And then the hamster in my brain gets to be spinning, spinning, spinning and I can't get him to stop.  Because now its not just this set back, it's every single setback that has ever occurred and created this person who is over 200 lbs and can't figure out how to get her act together once and for all.  Or has it figured out, but doesn't have that inner thing to make it happen.  Same end result.

I'm just tired of this mental game.  I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that. 

I don't want to be this fat my whole life.  But not because I don't want to be fat.  It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of.  If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?

You get that, don't you? 

Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem.  Some of you have.  But it's all the same isn't it?  I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life. 

This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with.  Or at least why I continued.  Because it's not easy.  You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail...  Maybe you don't care that you're not alone?  Then this isn't the blog for you.  Maybe you don't care.  Maybe you believe that your struggle is different.  And that belief is rightly so.  Your struggle IS different.  You know what makes it the same?  It's a struggle.  It is hard to be healthy.  It is hard to get strong.  You face adversity and haters on every corner.  Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters.  It's a tricky game. 

Maybe I won't ever jump on a box.  Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon.  Or be able to run a 5k.  But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals.  Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.

Whew....  Emotionally exhausted.

love to you all!
Heather

Post Boot Camp post

Sooo, yesterday was the orientation for my Crossfit Boot Camp experience.  I don't think fear begins to describe the emotion that I am having.  Because yesterday was just the orientation.  There wasn't even a "real" work-out, just the fitness test.  Which, by the way, if they were grading, I probably failed.  (Nothing like falling over during squats to really shine, huh?)  But this is why I'm so scared -- that was just the initial test and today I can hardly walk.  I'm actively mentally fighting my inner hater voice that says there's no freaking way I can do this.  The warm-up is a quarter mile run, I could barely do that when I was going to the gym every day.  And they repeatedly said that the fitness test was NOTHING compared to the real work-outs.

What was the fitness test?  All the squats you can do in a minute, all the push-ups you can do in a minute, all the sit-ups in one minute, a broad jump and a timed 800 meter run.  The run almost killed me, especially after the squats.  (At least now I know that's equivalent to half a mile, so I feel pretty good that I at least didn't actually die while doing it.  But then I think -- it's only half a mile and I'm proud I didn't die??)

Their blog mentions a fireman's carry.  Is it even legal to ask someone to carry someone as big as me when there is no actual fire??

And then there is the diet...  They have a really strict caveman diet they expect you to follow, and they're borderline religious about it.  Luckily, BFF Tina has agreed to go on this journey with me and she'll be staying here for the next few weeks so that may make it easier.  Or harder.  It will make it something.  We'll find out on May 11 when it's all over.  

I am going to do the best I can to follow the food program, but giving up milk and dairy products is going to be the hardest part.  Mostly because I'm in total denial about the giving up alcohol part.  There's already one known fall of the wagon because I'm going to Sertoma next weekend and I would honestly rather stay fat forever then not have fun at that.  Sad, but so true. 

Anyways, there's no whining allowed at CrossFit.  But no one ever said I couldn't go on the internet machine and do it here in the privacy of my blog!  :)

If I can lift my arms, I will continue to keep you posted... 

Heather

Frustration Rambling

Part of my frustration with myself is my lack of trying to do something to get my diet in line.  I don't mean go on a diet, I'm against that.  But to start paying attention to what I'm eating, controlling how much I'm eating (and drinking) and getting that under my control once and for all.

I have navigated away from writing about my journey for so many reasons.  I make proclamations (the Twitter experiment that wasn't ring any bells?) and then feel embarrassed that they're out there on the web.  I stopped posting my weight, because it stopped changing.  A major source of frustration, more on this.  I feel like I only talk about minor or major gym victories (too many links to bother here).  And even when I commit to writing more and even dowloaded an app for ever-present phone, I still haven't committed.

I am frustrated with myself.  One of the primary reasons is my weight not changing.  It will occasionally drop a pound or two, but it always goes back up to where it was.  Granted, at least I'm staying there, but I would like to drop a pound or two and then stay THERE.  That's the frustration.  I know I weigh myself too often (every day is definitely not the recommended amount), but I also know that when I don't know every day where it is then I get complacent.  I may have "only" lost 20 lbs last year, but at least that 20 lbs is staying off no matter what!

Here is what I see as the three MAJOR obstacles to overcoming this plateau I seem to be rooted in and figure out the way out.  One, I need to be accountable for the food and beverages I am consuming.  I know about how many calories I'm burning a day, but I don't know how many I'm taking in because I am NOT being honest with myself.  But for whatever reason I seem to chronically allergic to starting tracking again.  I have at least 3 apps in my phone for this as we speak and can't seem to do it.  Action plan:  I'm going to try to kick it old school and write it down in a little notebook.  I'm going to try to start just by getting in the habit of writing things down without measuring like I will eventually.  The first step is just being honest that I'm eating whatever I'm eating or drinking what I'm drinking.  I will start tomorrow morning.

Two, I need to branch out my exercise.  I cannot continue to only do cardio all the time and expect to see any changes.  I need to start incorporating some strength training if I really want to see my body change the way it was starting to during the body challenge last year.  I am weighing options on how to attack this, but I think ultimately I am planning on getting a personal trainer for a while to start kicking me in to shape. 

The biggest obstacle?  Me, of course.  I still do not believe that I am meant to be a healthy, active person.  I feel doomed to a life of couch potato-dom and can't seem to turn my mental game around.  Any tips on an action plan here would be greatly appreciated.  How do I get my head engaged and believing that I can physically do more than I do -- and motivated to try and do it?  Because right now, the mental push-ups I have to do to go back to the gym after missing a few days are incredibly rigorous and remind me me of just how weak that mental motivator muscle still is. 

That's all for now -- lots of love!
Heather

"So this is what commitment feels like"*

I'm trying to get back in to blogging, as you can hopefully see, but every time I fail at a commitment I made to myself I think, "I don't want to write about THAT!  I can't tell them that happened..."

But I guess that's supposed to be the point, isn't it?  It can't be all running and staying on the wagon and eating rice cakes (:::shudder:::), now can it?  (Shut up, I know it was never like that!) 

It's going to be falling off the wagon and strapping on a bag of Tostito's like it's feedbag (AKA Tuesday) and one day last week where I think I consumed almost nothing but sugar and caffeine.  (That was so bad that I did almost blog about it to get away from the shame, but I was probably too wired to form coherent thoughts about it.)  The question is do I write about that?  Do I want to publicize my descent?  Do I think NOT publicizing it will mean it's not happening?

Well, yeah, I think there's a part of me that definitely thinks that.  Not like an active conscious thought, exactly...  I was talking to Kiosk about her sugar trigger, because she is coming up on a difficult time frame to deal with that.  She asked me for advice on how to deal with it, even though she acknowledged that she didn't really expect me to have any.  (Gee, thanks!)  I suggested exposing herself -- not literally perv.  She has a cake batter weakness because no one is around to see her eating it when she makes a cake.  I suggested invite someone over to her ostensibly to "help" make the cake, but really they're helping by not leaving her alone with the cake batter. 

And then I thought, "doctor, heal thyself."  Because that's my thing.  If I don't blog about my failures, then that's like snarfing the cake batter alone, isn't it?  If I commit to something and then don't follow through, what difference does it make if I'm committing it to myself?  No one is there to see when I screw up.  Again. 

Here are just a few of the things I have recently committed to and not followed through:  not drinking during the week, working out at least three times a week, following the plan at Spark People and you get the idea.  I commit to doing something or commit to avoiding something but the end result is the same: lots of not following through followed by strapping on a bag of Tostito's and the cycle continues. 

The problem is that I can't just not try to commit, because that's not going anywhere good.  So, I think what I'm going to do is just commit to one thing at a time.  Once I've fully embraced that commitment and it's become a habit then I'm going to move on to another thing.  Because right now if I have wine at night, that's a shame spiral.  And if I don't track what I eat, then that's another excuse to have a calorie ball because I'm already in the shame spiral from not tracking it in the first place.  Sometimes I think I make commitments just so I can break them and dive in to the shame spiral.  (Epiphany!)  So, that's not going anywhere good either.  I don't know if this is the best plan towards success.  After all, I still hold a hope that I will end the year in the onederland.  But, I do know that since I have started to get back on track, I have only been successful with one thing at a time.  (Eww, kind of a bit like AA, one day at a time...)  So, I'm going to get back to being regular with the gym and once I have firmly accomplished that then I'm going to work on layering from that.

I will also try to keep blogging as I go.  But, that is TWO things so...  ;-)

Heather

*PS* Note on title:  Because I signed up for Spark People, I have been inundated with motivation emails.  Sometimes they are short parts of board posts from their in-sight bloggers.  This was the title of one that I did a rare save in my inbox so that every time I checked my mail I saw that.  I kept thinking that I too wanted to know what commitment feels like.  But, not in a cheesy annoying way -- in a way that's more kick-ass then that particular post turned out to be. 

Tip-toe

So, I thought I was back in June, but clearly that was not the case.  Maybe I'm not back for good, maybe I am.  Let's just take this one post at a time, mmmkay Pumpkin?

My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles.  (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.)  And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought.  The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty.  This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good. 

I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide.  I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case.  I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before.  I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise.  And then there's the exercise.  Of which there has been next to none. 

Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready to get back on track.  I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever.  This was HUGE for me.  It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier.  That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome.  Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing.  I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy.  Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed.  I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill.  I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud.  It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.

And so is blogging again, right??  So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!

The Good, the bad and the Unfashionable

Well, Spring is springing.  This is a season that gets most people excited about warm weather on the horizon and the chance to bust out their toes and revel in the freedom from turtlenecks.

Most people, but not fat people.  Or not this fat person anyways.  Maybe you are not affected by the change of seasons.  Maybe it doesn't create the same level of heartburn in you that it does for me.  If not, you may want to peruse other blogs and pop back in at the next entry...

Since 2004, when I first started caring about the extra weight that I carry, the change of seasons traditionally induces a sort of panic.  What the heck am I gonna wear?  Usually I am in some sort of weight adjustment, up or down and nothing in my wardrobe is appropriate.  Too tight or too small or just too "what was I THINKING?!" 

In fact, I have quite a lot of "what was I thinking" in my wardrobe.  Things that I purchased just to get through a season, to fill in gaps.  They are quickly too small, too big or just too blah for me to want to wear -- and yet I hold on to them.  If I emptied my closet and drawers of all of the clothes I have purchased to try to survive another temperature change, I would probably have all kinds of additional storage space.  That's not even addressing the containers shoved under my bed.  (But this is perhaps fodder for another blog of the future -- Inside Heather's Disorganization.)

Shopping results in a lot of frustration, particularly when I am in a transitional phase either up or down.  Nothing seems to fit right and Lord knows I am not going to find a tailor, much less pay them to alter a $30 pair of pants.  And I'm not going to spend more on "good" pants when I know that this time I am going to get down to (name current desired size) once and for ALL.  So, capris bring with them the humiliation of too tight in the thighs and too loose in the waist and the joy that is my cankles.  Skirts must be flame retardant in order not to catch on fire from my thigh friction.  Dresses are frequently sleeveless and my arms haven't been much to write home about.  Not to mention the material that these adorable dresses are made of frequently are dead give-aways that I am a lady who does not glow but sweats, thank you VERY much!  Tank tops?  With these boobs?  I think not.  Even shoes are menacing.  The adorable espadrilles that were so popular last year have those laces that go up your calf and just look like a giant neon sign that says "CANKLES ON BOARD". 

I have a shopping event coming this weekend.  While I look forward to spending time with my girlfriend, the time in the dressing room is looming over me like a dark cloud.  But since I'm writing this in April wearing a turtleneck because of the lack of dressing options and the blessing of a cooler day (I'm not going to lie -- climate change is friendly to the clothing challenged) it is time to find some transitional options.  I'm hoping to find some options that are both budget friendly and more representative of usefulness through the summer, but I'm guessing I'll leave with a maxi dress to wear to Sertoma and a renewed vow to get more serious about adding extra workouts to my week.

Happy Spring anyways!

hugs,
Heather

Cheating on myself

Every weight loss blog has to have one good confessional from time to time, right?

It has not been a great week progress-wise.  Workout on Monday morning felt half-assed.  I think I was suffering from post-race arrogance and tried to do too much too soon.  Not sure, but it was not a stellar performance. 

Monday afternoon I was feeling cruddy and left work early and it carried into Tuesday.  (TMI alert -- turned out to be the period from hell.)  No workout Tuesday.  Wednesday I had a good workout but then my "diet" went to hell.

Let's talk about that for a moment.  Honestly, I'm not on a diet, which is part of the reason I don't talk about that part of it so much here.  Currently, I try to watch what I eat and I have a tracker on my phone that I track the calories of everything I eat -- mostly.  Only this week my tracking went to hell, mostly.  The other thing I do is not drink during the week.  Well, that's the plan.  But Wednesday was such a glorious day and it was my first full day on my earlier schedule, so I was filled with the excitement of getting off work when the sun was out and Scott suggested margaritas on a patio somewhere -- who can resist??  Who has two thumbs and loves a salt-rimmed sour tequila treat??  Of course, by the time we got there, it was a bit too late to drink outside because it was chilly again, but the margarita cannot be denied.  And that continued into too much vino with our neighbors.

Which led to me oversleeping for my workout today.  Ugh. 

Still, I made it tonight and got under a 16 minute mile, which is huge for me.  I tracked all of my food today.  I had a good confessional call with Julia, which purges my soul and helps me talk myself out of the beating myself up cycle.  I mean, look at my first post where I didn't want to talk to people about my weight loss efforts, where I was baby-stepping.  I really have come a long, long way.  I have to keep focusing on that and not get in a cycle of beating myself up.  It's a slippery slope, but talking to you invisible, imagined blog audience really does help a lot. 

Big hugs my imaginary friends!

Heather