Many people know that one of my blog-spirations is the blog created by Ms. Bitchcakes, because she's a former fat girl who fell in love with exercise. She also has a blog over at Weight Watchers and a recent post got me thinking....
In this post, she talks about how a simple question from her allergist gave her the foundation for the inspiration to be a runner. Something she never thought she would be or do and now she is preparing for the 2012 NYC Marathon. Now, I don't want to be a marathon runner, but I would like to be able to run. I have always seen this as something that other people do. I don't run, because I'm not those people. And I think I look like a dork. And I have to breathe really hard and I tend to pray for death. I mean, I don't call it the dreadmill for nothing.
But, you see, I am frequently reminded of a simple question that someone asked me and it's one of the driving forces as I get s l o w l y back into my work out routine. I alluded to it in this post. I was still working out at the gym at the office. I had a disappointing work-out because I was using the dreadmill (that was the change in my cardio I was referring to) and felt like I didn't really get it in. As I was walking out, my now boss was leaving work for the day. We didn't really know each other, other then the fact that he hung out with the people in my cube quad... In fact, I know that this conversation made no impression on him because it was one of those weird after-work awkward pleasantries exchange -- you know the kind you do because the only thing you have in common with this person is that you are stuck walking in the exact same direction to your parking lot? Made further awkward because someone smells like a gym and someone doesn't? Yeah. Anyhoo, what he said was "did you have a good work-out Heather?" And because he didn't know me, I'm POSITIVE that he was probably only expecting some trite answer like "yeah, sure" -- instead of my response, which was "No, frankly, it was a bit disappointing."
I'm sure I followed it with something along the lines of, anything's better than nothing or whatever. But the fact that I responded with expressing my disappointment -- I have never forgotten that. Because that is a feeling that I struggled to get away from when I was "in it to win it" earlier this year and it's a struggle to get away from now.
But, the thing is that when gaining and losing weight is your primary hobby -- every stage is familiar. After New Year's Day, if you blow that -- well you just declare another day New Year's Day and THAT'S the day by gosh that is really going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Except it's not.
Because the first day of the rest of my life started over 38 years ago. All the rest? Well, that's just been my life.
And today is just today.
It was one of those weird stupid a-ha moments this morning. "Today is just today." It's not the first day of anything, it's not the last day of anything. There's nothing that I do today that is going to necessarily be the beginning -- or the end -- of anything. Today is just today. And today I just have to do the best job that I can to not feel disappointed by myself and the effort that I give to this progression. And tomorrow, I'm probably going to have to do that too -- but that's tomorrow. I'm going to let that work itself out. Today is just today. I'm just going to work on today and the things that I can do today.
Today, I did get up and go to the gym. And I did a 5 minute elliptical warm up and then I got on that dreadmill and I manage to do an under 16 minute mile. Will I do that tomorrow? Don't know. Because that's tomorrow's problem. Today is just today. Today I did not drink at night after yet another long day. I did not have the extra cup of coffee I was starting to get a little too dependent on. I managed to avoid eating a fair amount of crap. And today, I got on the scale and decided to stop kidding myself. Today I stared at my weight and realized that I was kiddding myself before. Because I've been to the gym a few times, I've forgiven myself a whole host of unacceptable behavior and have actually gained 3 pounds (or more) since I started back. Today, I decided to forgive myself.
And that was the most important decision of all. Will I be able to make that decision tomorrow? Will my work out be disappointing?
Don't know. I'm stil in today.
Heather
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Confession
I've been posting my progress daily on my Facebook page. Today I wanted to send quick blog confirming I fell off the wagon last night. I had 2 glasses of wine and did not get up this morning and work out.
Do I blame it on my stressful job? Sure. Another problem with a rental property? A little. Still not quite successfully battling off Scott's creeping crud? Yup.
Does it matter? I've always had excuses. I always will. I will not fall off the blog wagon again though because of my failures and setbacks. So I'm keeping you in the loop as I fight the fight...
Heather
Sunday, September 18, 2011
As I lay WILF*'ing
So, I'm wilfing around the internet, killing time until I can try to get cracking on a work course that was down for maintenance until 3pm, I found this awesome article on Facebook from NPR about a book on will power -- of all things!
Sometimes I think that if you just pay enough attention, there are pointers everywhere that tell you that you're heading in the right (or wrong) direction. The article talks about a new book called, creatively enough, Willpower and it's by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney. (Here is a link to article on NPR.) These guys studied willpower, and while it's not something easy to study they did learn that it is possible. The most interesting thing is that the more you use your willpower "muscle", the easier it is to fatigue it. So, when you're really going to actively engage it, you should make it for something good because too many uses and it gets fatigued easily.
That's right. You wear out your willpower muscle by the fact that you are using it. In a way, this makes sense -- you wear out your non-psychological muscles by using them. But, exercising them also makes them stronger -- and the same thing goes for your willpower! Brilliant! Further, exercising your willpower to do anything will lead to better self-control in other areas of your life. For example, in one study they asked students to actively work to have better posture for a week. At the end of the week, these students displayed a greater ability to exert self-control in areas that weren't related then students who hadn't been working on their posture. How cool is that??
The reason that this is so cosmically kismet is because I decided to make last night my first serious attempt at having a farewell to indulgence tour. Meaning, I went out and kicked it old school rock star style to get it all out of my system and, hopefully, enable me to settle into a slightly less rock star daily life. My current plan is to take a page out of my inspiring, inspired reader (that was this recent post) and cut out drinking during the week. Since many of you may not be part-time alcoholics, you may not recognize that this is a big deal. Let me assure you. It is a big deal. This was one of the major ways that I saw success earlier this year -- I had significantly cut back the amount of drinking I was doing on weeknights. As early morning workouts became the norm, the necessity of not over-indulging became more and more paramount. Also, my job at that point was not at the stressful as hell level, which it has since devolved in to. (When you hear that there have been tornadoes, tropical storms, or generally any kind of major natural disaster, just realize that somewhere not too far away there is a property claims adjuster eating cheetos and wine for dinner again and promising herself that tomorrow is going to be the day that she stops this behavior. And usually, it isn't.)
SO. This is a big step. It is NOT going to be easy. Therefore, the only thing I am working on right now is getting back to the gym in the morning and not drinking on nights when I have to work the next day. I'm not going to start WW or any serious calorie monitoring yet. I'm going to exercise my willpower muscle a little bit harder by combining these two things and we'll see how it goes.
I will try to continue to document both my success and failure here.
Still trying to think of a catchy sign-off,
Heather
*PS: It has come to my attention that WILF is not in the lexicon. Here is my Facebook comment/explantion: Technically it's supposed to be WWILF -- it stands for "what was I looking for"? It goes something like this. I go on the internet to check my bank balance. Oh, the check to my hairdresser finally cleared. I'm gonna check Facebook and see what she's up to. What? So and so had a clam bake? I like clams. Maybe I"ll make clam chowder, let me find a recipe for that. Clams are really good. I wonder how much my friend in Boston pays for them. How much are tickets to Boston... THAT is WILF'ing. What WAS I looking for again???? ;-)
Sometimes I think that if you just pay enough attention, there are pointers everywhere that tell you that you're heading in the right (or wrong) direction. The article talks about a new book called, creatively enough, Willpower and it's by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney. (Here is a link to article on NPR.) These guys studied willpower, and while it's not something easy to study they did learn that it is possible. The most interesting thing is that the more you use your willpower "muscle", the easier it is to fatigue it. So, when you're really going to actively engage it, you should make it for something good because too many uses and it gets fatigued easily.
That's right. You wear out your willpower muscle by the fact that you are using it. In a way, this makes sense -- you wear out your non-psychological muscles by using them. But, exercising them also makes them stronger -- and the same thing goes for your willpower! Brilliant! Further, exercising your willpower to do anything will lead to better self-control in other areas of your life. For example, in one study they asked students to actively work to have better posture for a week. At the end of the week, these students displayed a greater ability to exert self-control in areas that weren't related then students who hadn't been working on their posture. How cool is that??
The reason that this is so cosmically kismet is because I decided to make last night my first serious attempt at having a farewell to indulgence tour. Meaning, I went out and kicked it old school rock star style to get it all out of my system and, hopefully, enable me to settle into a slightly less rock star daily life. My current plan is to take a page out of my inspiring, inspired reader (that was this recent post) and cut out drinking during the week. Since many of you may not be part-time alcoholics, you may not recognize that this is a big deal. Let me assure you. It is a big deal. This was one of the major ways that I saw success earlier this year -- I had significantly cut back the amount of drinking I was doing on weeknights. As early morning workouts became the norm, the necessity of not over-indulging became more and more paramount. Also, my job at that point was not at the stressful as hell level, which it has since devolved in to. (When you hear that there have been tornadoes, tropical storms, or generally any kind of major natural disaster, just realize that somewhere not too far away there is a property claims adjuster eating cheetos and wine for dinner again and promising herself that tomorrow is going to be the day that she stops this behavior. And usually, it isn't.)
SO. This is a big step. It is NOT going to be easy. Therefore, the only thing I am working on right now is getting back to the gym in the morning and not drinking on nights when I have to work the next day. I'm not going to start WW or any serious calorie monitoring yet. I'm going to exercise my willpower muscle a little bit harder by combining these two things and we'll see how it goes.
I will try to continue to document both my success and failure here.
Still trying to think of a catchy sign-off,
Heather
*PS: It has come to my attention that WILF is not in the lexicon. Here is my Facebook comment/explantion: Technically it's supposed to be WWILF -- it stands for "what was I looking for"? It goes something like this. I go on the internet to check my bank balance. Oh, the check to my hairdresser finally cleared. I'm gonna check Facebook and see what she's up to. What? So and so had a clam bake? I like clams. Maybe I"ll make clam chowder, let me find a recipe for that. Clams are really good. I wonder how much my friend in Boston pays for them. How much are tickets to Boston... THAT is WILF'ing. What WAS I looking for again???? ;-)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
A reader's letter and my thoughts
So, I got my first official reader letter over on my Facebook page today. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me here knows me over there, but just in case... I'm a little on the fence about the Roberta Flack reference though. ;-)
Sarah Bridget:
Once again - its like you found my letters and read each one out loud. ;)
You DO continue to inspire, you know. Your inspiration isn't all linked to weight. A weight struggler myself, I was routing for you to "stay on the (workout) wagon" when you were away all that time for work because, while living in the hurricane catcher's mitt on the Gulf, at least 2 of my 20 lb weight losses were thwarted (and regained with interest) due to an unexpected jolt in life that messed with all my good behavior. Now, I am at my all-time heaviest.
You DO continue to inspire, you know. Your inspiration isn't all linked to weight. A weight struggler myself, I was routing for you to "stay on the (workout) wagon" when you were away all that time for work because, while living in the hurricane catcher's mitt on the Gulf, at least 2 of my 20 lb weight losses were thwarted (and regained with interest) due to an unexpected jolt in life that messed with all my good behavior. Now, I am at my all-time heaviest.
Me: The funny thing is that I did really good while I was gone. I even lost 4 or 5 more pounds. I got down to a total of 25 lost from the 50 I had gained back. I mean, I was halfway back to where I was before -- when I wasn't even done. But still. I can't blame the travel -- I can only blame my butt's deep attraction to my recliner chair.
I joined the Y about 6 weeks ago. I am honestly sad when I look in the mirror. To me, I look like I'm wearing a fat suit makeup job when I put on my makeup in the morning. Should I be able to pinch an inch right under my ear? I feel like I'm losing my eyes under fat -- like people in fat suits look. But even THAT didn't make me take my gym visits seriously!
Me: First, I know this feeling SO well. You go out and you think you're looking all cute and then you catch a glimpse in a mirror or worse see a photo and it's just a spiral of depression. I avoid reflective surfaces. Sadly, this does not make me less fat. Second, I have seen recent photos of Sarah and she does not in fact look like she has on a fat suit. Which leads me to the truth that how we see ourselves is a much harsher, crueler reflection than what most people see when they see us. It's a slippery slope to keep in check. You need to realize that you're 1000 times harder on yourself than the people you think are silently judging you, but on the other hand you can't let this knowledge take you to the place of "well, maybe I'm actually very fit and just don't realize it." Um, no. That's a bridge too far.
Two things occurred: 2 weeks ago I pulled my back. I've had muscle strain before - but nothing that layed me out like this. I very nearly went to the ER out of fear that I'd slipped or pinched something important. I rested the whole rest of the holiday weekend. Last Friday - while returning to my desk in the office, it happened again and I was down another weekend. I gots shit to do - I can't be that kind of miserable every weekend!
Two things occurred: 2 weeks ago I pulled my back. I've had muscle strain before - but nothing that layed me out like this. I very nearly went to the ER out of fear that I'd slipped or pinched something important. I rested the whole rest of the holiday weekend. Last Friday - while returning to my desk in the office, it happened again and I was down another weekend. I gots shit to do - I can't be that kind of miserable every weekend!
While I'd been layed up those 2 weekends, the world spent a lot of time remembering the events of 9/11. This, once again caused me to not only think of my own mortality, but also the last 10 years. They have been good to me, but I've gained about 60 lbs. That's too many lbs. My miserable layed up self also got to thinking that if I were ever in a TRULY trying moment like those survivors, in my condition, I'd perish.
So I saw a doctor. I didn't pinch or slip anything important. I pulled a bunch of muscles. I felt like I dodged a huge problem. Visions of surgeries and a lifetime of pills came to mind and I was so relieved that change was still in my grasp. Doc gave me mild muscle relaxers so that I can start to build my core. She told me what machines to find and what execises to do.
Me: There's so much great stuff in all of this. I too have gained about 60lbs in the last 10 years and I was no skinny minnie then. But I was a pretty happy size 10/12. Okay, more 12 then 10, but whatever. First, the being laid up was something that Kiosk (who is one of my occasional commenters and the origin of my inspiration to work out in the first place) really hammered in to me in the early days when I kept trying to push myself and being so frustrated that I couldn't do more. She's been healthy and active for a long time, but has dealt with many times with knee injuries that have left her debilitated and unable to work out. She says that as bad as you feel when you can't work out as much as you want, what if you couldn't work out at all?? So, your injury -- while it sounds literally like a big old pain in the ass -- was Fate's way of taking your hand and saying -- listen girl, you got to get it together, mmmkay? (No coincidence that Fate starts with fat, I think.)
Guess who is taking my gym visits seriously? AND - I'm not drinking during the week. That's MOST of my calories, really...sadly. I really miss it, but tomorrow is Friday. I'm not doing WW - but I have and I know it works. I'm using Livestrong.com's MyPlate. Its similar to WW online, only free.
Guess who is taking my gym visits seriously? AND - I'm not drinking during the week. That's MOST of my calories, really...sadly. I really miss it, but tomorrow is Friday. I'm not doing WW - but I have and I know it works. I'm using Livestrong.com's MyPlate. Its similar to WW online, only free.
Me: Yeah. The whole FEBOC (favorite evening beverage of choice) nightly has gots to go. I was all gung-ho after your note and then I thought, you know it's Thursday -- who am I kidding here? So, we'll try that next week! That's definitely been my biggest issue all along, because my job is so friggin' stressful. But, there are other ways of dealing with that then turning off my brain. One of my favorite Twitter posts recently was something like "drugs and alcohol are bad, but feelings are worse." SO true!!
That's what I'm doing! Keep blogging, lady, I enjoy your posts. And NO one is judging you.
Take care,
Be well,
Sarah
And on those notes on this note, I'm out of here... Thanks Sarah for being inspired and being inspiring yourself! It is too bad that Ptown is like another country. ;)
Keep on looking for good sign offs....
~Heather
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Fake it til you make it
So, I don't really feel like blogging. "Thanks for boring us, Heather -- we'll switch back to Fox News..."
Wait, I just meant that I don't have much to say. For so long I was on a roll, I was called inspirational -- more than once, and not by my mother -- so, that's a thing. And I feel like now, I need to be on a roll and being inspirational or something in order to write stuff. But here's the thing (write this down).......
Life can really suck sometimes. It's not always easy to be motivational.
::phew::
I feel better. Don't you? No? Shit, well there I go again not being inspiring...
Therein lies the rub. This summer when I had the Summer of Lovehandles (tm) in progress -- I DID think about "you" -- whoever you are. Random Blog Readers. I thought, "Those RBR are going to KNOW I fell off the wagon and they are shaking their heads, silently judging me." And, well, I did a fair amount of that on my own. Along with a lot of promises I knew I wasn't going to keep.
That's the thing with being fat and being inside the fat....You make a lot of promises publicly and privately that you know you're not going to keep, but still keep making them. Because ONE DAY, it really IS going to be the last day you make that promise. Now, maybe it's because it's the day you get hit by a bus or have a nasty heart attack, but hopefully it's because you've come to terms with your own mortality and decided hey, I don't want my hobby to be losing weight -- I want it to be keeping it off.
Because this losing and putting it back on? For all of the novelty at the beginning??? Boring for the long run. Depressing to face going to yet another WW meeting as a "first timer" -- I mean, it's my what time around? How many times am I going to literally put lipstick on this pig??
I wish I could be as committed as Bitchcakes -- her last time she knew was her last time because she was going to stay until she finished. And the thing for me is that I preach WW to everyone I know who's thinking about it because if you do it, it freaking works! And, like I said, it's real. You can fall back on the basics and even when you're sliding know enough to prevent a landslide.
Anyways... This is another stream of consciousness posting. I DO know that my desire to blog correlates with my desire to do this thing and that's a positive change. I've been to the gym 3 times in under a week, which is sad but HUGE for me in comparison. I'm faced with bad decisions by the hour and am inching towards making better ones (again) all the time...
I'll try to be better about posting. You try to be better about... what? What are YOU going to do?
------Heather
Wait, I just meant that I don't have much to say. For so long I was on a roll, I was called inspirational -- more than once, and not by my mother -- so, that's a thing. And I feel like now, I need to be on a roll and being inspirational or something in order to write stuff. But here's the thing (write this down).......
Life can really suck sometimes. It's not always easy to be motivational.
::phew::
I feel better. Don't you? No? Shit, well there I go again not being inspiring...
Therein lies the rub. This summer when I had the Summer of Lovehandles (tm) in progress -- I DID think about "you" -- whoever you are. Random Blog Readers. I thought, "Those RBR are going to KNOW I fell off the wagon and they are shaking their heads, silently judging me." And, well, I did a fair amount of that on my own. Along with a lot of promises I knew I wasn't going to keep.
That's the thing with being fat and being inside the fat....You make a lot of promises publicly and privately that you know you're not going to keep, but still keep making them. Because ONE DAY, it really IS going to be the last day you make that promise. Now, maybe it's because it's the day you get hit by a bus or have a nasty heart attack, but hopefully it's because you've come to terms with your own mortality and decided hey, I don't want my hobby to be losing weight -- I want it to be keeping it off.
Because this losing and putting it back on? For all of the novelty at the beginning??? Boring for the long run. Depressing to face going to yet another WW meeting as a "first timer" -- I mean, it's my what time around? How many times am I going to literally put lipstick on this pig??
I wish I could be as committed as Bitchcakes -- her last time she knew was her last time because she was going to stay until she finished. And the thing for me is that I preach WW to everyone I know who's thinking about it because if you do it, it freaking works! And, like I said, it's real. You can fall back on the basics and even when you're sliding know enough to prevent a landslide.
Anyways... This is another stream of consciousness posting. I DO know that my desire to blog correlates with my desire to do this thing and that's a positive change. I've been to the gym 3 times in under a week, which is sad but HUGE for me in comparison. I'm faced with bad decisions by the hour and am inching towards making better ones (again) all the time...
I'll try to be better about posting. You try to be better about... what? What are YOU going to do?
------Heather
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tip-toe
So, I thought I was back in June, but clearly that was not the case. Maybe I'm not back for good, maybe I am. Let's just take this one post at a time, mmmkay Pumpkin?
My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles. (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.) And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought. The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty. This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good.
I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide. I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case. I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before. I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise. And then there's the exercise. Of which there has been next to none.
Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get back on track. I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever. This was HUGE for me. It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier. That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome. Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing. I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy. Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed. I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill. I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud. It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.
And so is blogging again, right?? So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!
My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles. (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.) And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought. The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty. This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good.
I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide. I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case. I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before. I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise. And then there's the exercise. Of which there has been next to none.
Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get back on track. I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever. This was HUGE for me. It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier. That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome. Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing. I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy. Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed. I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill. I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud. It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.
And so is blogging again, right?? So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!
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