A nod to Norman Rockwell with a Saturday Evening Post

OMG!  I totally want to train for The Great American Mud Fest!!

It's just short of a 5k, so getting to my wheelhouse but it's got a whole bunch of Crossfit like obstacles.  Where would you train?  Who would train you?  SO excited about the idea!

Even though I did too much partying last night, I made up for a bunch of that today.  I got up and once again tried to complete my neighborhood 5k.  This was now my 3rd attempt.  The first time, I posted about because it started to rain and I didn't finish.  The last time I missed the turn and when I figured it out, I tried to circle back but didn't want to circle the whole way back.  Still, I made up almost the whole thing and it was 3.07 when I was done.  I was pretty happy with my time too, all in all -- I did it 43:47, average pace 14:14 per mile.  Well, today I was very cognizant of the turn, but then I was in a really new part of my neighborhood and lost a lot of time looking at the map to make sure I was at the right parts and all that.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that there was ANOTHER turn later, ironically in the most familiar part of my neighborhood -- and that had me completing 3.34 miles instead of 3.10.  My time 48:33 and my pace was 14:30.

Bit of a downscore on the pace, but given that I didn't go to bed until 3 and got up at 8:30 and again, did too much partying the night before -- I think pretty good.  Both times put me well under my first 5k at a finish time of 52:02.

Annnnyways, after I did the run, I decided to mow the lawn for Scott since he had to work this morning.  More activity points, woo hoo!  Then when he got home from work, he swapped out some deck boards and I helped pull a couple of those.  THEN, I got the "bright" idea to take a bunch of the wood debris at the side of the house to the dump.  Which means I loaded a whole bunch of old, wet, rotted deck boards and twigs and so forth back and forth to his truck.  Even MORE activity points!

So, when Scott wanted to have a pizza from one of the better places around for dinner, I felt like despite my partying last night (which I tried to track a fair amount of), I "deserved" the carby treat. I also tracked the pizza (which didn't live up to the reputation entirely) so it's not like I was going off book.  It's just that I really try not to eat this kind of empty points plus thing.  It's just not worth it most of the time.  It cost more points than I really want to spend, for one thing.  And because I frequently eat better than this most of the time, I don't always physically feel good after eating crap.  I can just feel it sitting on my gut.  I think about all of the additional activity I'm going to need to do again to get it off and then it feels even less worth it.

That's all trending in the right direction, huh?  ;-)

hugs,

Heather

Still feeling "some kind of way"

I think the TMI portion is that I'm PMS'ing (and using too many initials).  I really do have that blah, I don't care about anything feeling that I used to "cure" with overindulgence.  One of the only things keeping me from going down the drain is that I keep coming here and talking to you about it.

But the fact is that I know me.  I'm on the verge of a full-bore blown out overindulgence.  I've been teasing it with some festivities over the last couple of weekends, but I've been managing to pull back and rein in.  Not enough to get back on a losing track, but at least enough to maintain.  And when I'm feeling this kind of way?  Maintaining is like losing.  It doesn't feel like it when I get on the scale at WW and get my little sticker with either no loss or, this week's case, a tiny gain.  But in the back of my head, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I know that I should be grateful that I'm maintaining.

I should be, but I'm not.  I'm mad at myself for slacking.  Just not mad enough to knuckle down and do the work.

Yet.

Here's my plan...  Planned overindulgence.  If I don't leave for CAT deployment -- which is starting to look like a possibility -- then I will be heading to an awesome party at my neighbor's house this weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It's going to be legendary and a great place to really revel in an overindulgence blow-out.  There's going to be an amazing amount of food and beverages.  I'm going to get a work out in before the party so I'll be feeling primed and then it's on.  No holds barred.  No tracking, no fretting just pure overindulgence.  Like a rock star.

Sunday will be recovery.  For obvious reasons, I'm making no real plan.  BUT if I had a plan?  It would NOT include beating myself up for the experience, because I'm going into it willingly.  And then Monday, it's getting back on plan and staying there.

This will mean tracking regularly and more faithfully.  Making sure that I get in at least 2 APs a day.  And planning better than I have been so far.  I've been lucky so far because I'm winging it a lot, but now I'm really fully in the "old weight."  (That's a topic for another blog, I think.)  It's going to be even harder from here and it's not gonna happen until I fully get over this hump.

Ugh.  Such a series of downer posts these last few times.  Hopefully I'm going to turn this corner soon and I'll have some triumphant stuff to post again soon.

Wait again?  Well, whatever.  You know what I mean.  :)

hugs,

Heather

The End of Staycation Rambling

When we last left our heroine, she had done 30 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday morning and rounded out the evening in bad-ass activity-ness by doing a 50 minute cardio kickboxing class.  And that was at the relative beginning of staycation...

What did the rest of the week hold?  What indeed!

As far as activity:  Wednesday I got a run in.  30 minutes on the dreadmill and hit 2.21 miles. Thursday there was minimal activity but LOTS of errand running -- why can't you get activity points for getting in and out of your car 1000 times?  Friday was spent at the beach and I counted a bit of activity points for the running back and forth to the water and just dancing around and loving life.  I think next summer instead of getting in shape so I can go to the beach, my plan is to work on getting in shape AT the beach. Lots of ways to get activity and it's out in the sun so that's even better!  Yesterday I got another run in on the dreadmill, and hit 2.20 miles.  I wasn't rocking it, to be sure, but I had so much pent up energy and what I lacked in the running part I made up in the inclines.  (My new thing is that when I don't want to run anymore, I jack the incline way up during the "rest" - so even if I'm going slow, I'm still getting a work out.)


As far as being on plan:  Well, it's been up and down.  I have been trying to track as much as possible.  But I've also been on staycation, so there's been a bit of partying going on, because you know -- I'm still me.  :)   My BFF and I fulfilled a lifelong dream of singing karaoke in Suffolk on Wednesday night and helped roll up the streets there.  Twice.  Crazy night and led to day of poor decisions fueled by exhaustion.  It started with an order malfunction at Starbucks and didn't improve much from there.  Scott and I went down to the Outer Banks on Thursday night.  While I didn't do well in the abstaining from drinking department, I did do very well in the snacking department -- ate grapes and cherries the whole night!  Friday we spent at the beach as long as the dust storms would allow -- it was a shorter trip than we would have liked.  But, it always is!  All in all, Friday wasn't great for being on plan, but Saturday it went totally downhill.  At least I got that run in.

And today?  The end of staycation?  Minimal activity, ate a large amount of potato chips which I DID track, but all of the wine I have had since dinner?  Not so much...

The problem is that I'm currently in this really dangerous point of my weight loss journey.  I feel GREAT!  I am so happy with how my body is looking and the things that I can do (more on this) and just feeling crammed full of endorphin.  I actually want to go work out.  Can you imagine?  And part of this is because of what I just was saying about things that I can do.

Like squatting.  Normal people probably don't think about squatting.  It's not a big deal to them.  But I've never been able to squat for any length of time and certainly couldn't do it without falling or holding on to someone.  But lately, I've been able to get into a squatting position and stay there for a period of time.  Without feeling like I'm going to die.

Anyways, it's a dangerous time.  I've blogged about this before.  When I feel this good, I feel indomitable.  And that makes me make poor decisions (more wine, please!) and also makes me think I look good in clothing I have no business wearing.  Shopping gets risky and iPhone self-portraits start taking over all my data usage.  I feel ridiculously sassy and really have to watch myself.

I need a sitter!

Hugs,
Heather

Frustration Rambling

Part of my frustration with myself is my lack of trying to do something to get my diet in line.  I don't mean go on a diet, I'm against that.  But to start paying attention to what I'm eating, controlling how much I'm eating (and drinking) and getting that under my control once and for all.

I have navigated away from writing about my journey for so many reasons.  I make proclamations (the Twitter experiment that wasn't ring any bells?) and then feel embarrassed that they're out there on the web.  I stopped posting my weight, because it stopped changing.  A major source of frustration, more on this.  I feel like I only talk about minor or major gym victories (too many links to bother here).  And even when I commit to writing more and even dowloaded an app for ever-present phone, I still haven't committed.

I am frustrated with myself.  One of the primary reasons is my weight not changing.  It will occasionally drop a pound or two, but it always goes back up to where it was.  Granted, at least I'm staying there, but I would like to drop a pound or two and then stay THERE.  That's the frustration.  I know I weigh myself too often (every day is definitely not the recommended amount), but I also know that when I don't know every day where it is then I get complacent.  I may have "only" lost 20 lbs last year, but at least that 20 lbs is staying off no matter what!

Here is what I see as the three MAJOR obstacles to overcoming this plateau I seem to be rooted in and figure out the way out.  One, I need to be accountable for the food and beverages I am consuming.  I know about how many calories I'm burning a day, but I don't know how many I'm taking in because I am NOT being honest with myself.  But for whatever reason I seem to chronically allergic to starting tracking again.  I have at least 3 apps in my phone for this as we speak and can't seem to do it.  Action plan:  I'm going to try to kick it old school and write it down in a little notebook.  I'm going to try to start just by getting in the habit of writing things down without measuring like I will eventually.  The first step is just being honest that I'm eating whatever I'm eating or drinking what I'm drinking.  I will start tomorrow morning.

Two, I need to branch out my exercise.  I cannot continue to only do cardio all the time and expect to see any changes.  I need to start incorporating some strength training if I really want to see my body change the way it was starting to during the body challenge last year.  I am weighing options on how to attack this, but I think ultimately I am planning on getting a personal trainer for a while to start kicking me in to shape. 

The biggest obstacle?  Me, of course.  I still do not believe that I am meant to be a healthy, active person.  I feel doomed to a life of couch potato-dom and can't seem to turn my mental game around.  Any tips on an action plan here would be greatly appreciated.  How do I get my head engaged and believing that I can physically do more than I do -- and motivated to try and do it?  Because right now, the mental push-ups I have to do to go back to the gym after missing a few days are incredibly rigorous and remind me me of just how weak that mental motivator muscle still is. 

That's all for now -- lots of love!
Heather

The Bad Things

I mentioned in my last post that I had been to a birthday party and ate bad things, and teased that there would be a future post on this topic.  Since I ate a chili hot dog for lunch, this seemed like a good time!  :)

While I have been overweight for some time, I did not start doing anything to actively correct that until 2005 (see The History of this Fat if you'd like the full rundown).  That was the first time I joined WW and paid attention to what I was eating.  Since I started this blog (and my new life), I have been trying to monitor what I eat and make better choices.  You know that I cheat frequently, since I have written about our "blow diet" Saturdays.  You also know that there isn't much formality to how I monitor my diet, I'm more focused on being active.  But, still -- I find myself saying things like I ate bad things.  This is something that has always driven me crazy when I've known other people dieting.  I remember an Oprah episode where she had some gourmet baker on who had made this amazing cake of some sort, and Oprah wouldn't even eat a bite because she had a dress she had to fit in for an event and didn't want to mess around.  I mean, one bite?  Walk 5 more minutes on the dreadmill, then.

Again, I get into the slippery slope.  I knew that I was going to have a chili hot dog for lunch, so I did account for that in my calorie counting for the day.  But, I also knew that today I'm planning on adding my second work-out and taking a Zumba class tonight.  I knew that there was room for error.  I do try to make much smarter decisions than I did in the past.  But, when I do eat something that is NOT healthy, I really try not to quantify that as "bad."  The food itself isn't "bad" that is a value I ascribed to it when I chose to eat it instead of a bowl of carrots.  Really, I'm "bad", I'm making choices that are not best for me.  I'm trying to balance this need to lose weight with the reality of the world we live in.

Actually, I watched The Biggest Loser last night for the first time in a while.  I had been feeling kind of blue about my progress and was unsuccessful in even writing a blog post that encapsulated how I was feeling.  I just wanted to watch a show where there were people who had further to go than me and see their progress.  It's always been motivating in the past for me.  And last night's episode proved to be a mixed bag of motivation.  There was a team that was given the opportunity to work on their own to try to get back on the ranch.  They had been working out for the last 13 weeks, or whatever, at home and doing their own thing.  The mother/son pair had lost a combined total of 75 pounds.  (One of them needed to beat 91 pounds in order to beat someone who had the highest percentage of total weight loss.)  So, that was kind of amazing to see that one woman had been able to lose 45 pounds on her own in the amount of time that it's taken me to lose about 15.  Amazing and depressing, actually.  Then, there was another team that lost a challenge and had to go off the ranch for a week.  They got a $1000 to use for food, gym memberships and luxuries.  They chose to spend that allocation on some smart choices -- buying their own food, gym membership -- but then they made some not-so-wise choices like getting massages instead of having their personal trainer from the ranch come and help them.  Needless to say, they lost almost no weight and one of them was sent home.  And they had everything in their toolkit to go off on their own and be successful!  They had been working out and eating right like it was a full time job and still failed when they had to do it on their own.

Now, you can call it schadenfreude if you want, but I took a lot of encouragement from that.  Losing weight, getting healthy, changing your life is hard, hard, hard!  If someone who has been doing it as a full time job can't do it when they lose their support net, then someone like me has an uphill battle to face going it virtually alone.  Whose best current food plan has been to "eat lots of chicken."  Yes, I have Scott -- thank GOD -- going with me, but there are still bumps in the road even if your partner is in with you. 

Anyways, I veered off of the bad things topic that I started -- as I tend to do.  The long and the short is that it's not the food that it's bad -- it's the choices that are bad.  I can't keep making the decisions I made in the past, they're not going to help me get where I want to go.  All I can do is keep looking to the future and don't be caught off guard by too much cake and wine and not enough chicken. 

After all, if I keep working at it, eventually the number will follow the work. 

I HOPE!

hugs,

Heather

Cheating on myself

Every weight loss blog has to have one good confessional from time to time, right?

It has not been a great week progress-wise.  Workout on Monday morning felt half-assed.  I think I was suffering from post-race arrogance and tried to do too much too soon.  Not sure, but it was not a stellar performance. 

Monday afternoon I was feeling cruddy and left work early and it carried into Tuesday.  (TMI alert -- turned out to be the period from hell.)  No workout Tuesday.  Wednesday I had a good workout but then my "diet" went to hell.

Let's talk about that for a moment.  Honestly, I'm not on a diet, which is part of the reason I don't talk about that part of it so much here.  Currently, I try to watch what I eat and I have a tracker on my phone that I track the calories of everything I eat -- mostly.  Only this week my tracking went to hell, mostly.  The other thing I do is not drink during the week.  Well, that's the plan.  But Wednesday was such a glorious day and it was my first full day on my earlier schedule, so I was filled with the excitement of getting off work when the sun was out and Scott suggested margaritas on a patio somewhere -- who can resist??  Who has two thumbs and loves a salt-rimmed sour tequila treat??  Of course, by the time we got there, it was a bit too late to drink outside because it was chilly again, but the margarita cannot be denied.  And that continued into too much vino with our neighbors.

Which led to me oversleeping for my workout today.  Ugh. 

Still, I made it tonight and got under a 16 minute mile, which is huge for me.  I tracked all of my food today.  I had a good confessional call with Julia, which purges my soul and helps me talk myself out of the beating myself up cycle.  I mean, look at my first post where I didn't want to talk to people about my weight loss efforts, where I was baby-stepping.  I really have come a long, long way.  I have to keep focusing on that and not get in a cycle of beating myself up.  It's a slippery slope, but talking to you invisible, imagined blog audience really does help a lot. 

Big hugs my imaginary friends!

Heather

The Mental Part

Yesterday was the second official team workout for our biggest loser challenge. By their scales, I am down a total of 9 lbs since the challenge started. Woot!

I got to the gym a little bit early and after my weigh in I was talking to some of the ladies about their progress. One of the ladies was talking about the mental part of it. She said that she was really working on "the mental part." And this is something that I have been talking to a lot of my friends about this week, so I thought I'd write about it here.

Because, I think the "mental part" in a weight loss/fitness journey is inevitably going to be different for everyone, but I also think that there are common phases that we all go through. I think this commonality that makes the journey universally understandable for anyone who has gone through it. But when you say the mental part is hard, and I say it is -- I know we're talking about different things.

Here is MY mental part:

Let me start by re-emphasizing that before this year I had NEVER engaged in any kind of regular work-out routine, ever. When I previously lost 50 lbs, I was using Weight Watchers and I was much more active than I had been. I was walking about 30 minutes a day on my breaks and had also incorporated some strength training, but it wasn't hardcore. I wasn't breaking a sweat really, and I certainly was never challenging myself. If someone told me to do a 5k, I would have probably said, "Oh, that sounds like something I might be able to do one day..." I certainly would not have started trying to prepare for it.

And so my mental part is right now is kind of weird. I carry a certain amount of pride that I have started exercising and with my accomplishments. But I am also very impatient with the process. I'm mentally ready to do this, so why is my body not going along? Why do I have to walk a 3.3 when I should be doing a 4.0? Why do I still get cramps and get worn out? Doesn't my body know that I'm ready to do this? Why is it not getting with the program??

And my frustration with myself for not being able to do more NOW lends itself to darker places. Like jealousy over other people's accomplishments and abilities to do things. Like Scott being up to a 4 minute mile at a walk/run already. It's not that I'm not extremely proud of what he's doing, but I'm more than a little envious that we started at the same time and he's already so much further ahead of me. It's hard to remember that he was in much better shape than me when we started because of all the work he does outside in the yard and gardening. And he has FAR less to lose to get to the top of his target weight range as I do -- about half in fact. So, he's not carrying as much on his frame as I am. So, it's a mixed bag with him because I have to remember these things but he is also trying to push me to do a little more than I think I can. And usually he's right. But it's important for me to remember that I can't do as much as he can yet.

Yet.

But this is definitely my biggest mental challenge. The tightrope between making sure that I'm working out "hard enough" to make a difference, but not so hard that I get hurt or that I completely dread doing it. Right now, I'm not at the dread point at all. I've already started being awake when the alarm goes off. I'm setting goals for myself and not trying to make crazy stretch goals -- but constantly trying out new ways to keep myself motivated. I'm open to new ideas and encouragement and a little butt-kicking from time to time.

It's funny because I don't think about the food part of it that much at all. I'm tracking what I eat with an app on my phone. For the most part, I'm staying pretty well within my daily target range. Saturday is "blow-diet" day in the Lee house. We relax our eating habits and drink. Sunday is the turn. We're somewhat relaxed but I try to get the reins back on and if I drink, I only do so with dinner. I'm not planning on blowing my diet EVERY Saturday, but I want to have the freedom built in so I can compensate for it the rest of the week.

The reason I mention my diet was because during one of the ladies in the group asked me what I had been eating last week. I really struggled with an answer. Food? I've eaten all kinds of things. The spinach pie was featured in a couple of meals. Some chicken. Protein shakes. Chili. Fruits. Why? What are you eating??

I'll be more focused on the eating when the body challenge is over, because then I think it's going to be more important. Plus my plan is to go back to Weight Watchers once this is over, so I can finally achieve lifetime status and never have to pay again!

My goal this week is to do 40 minutes of cardio every morning and to do strength training 3 times, so I'm more prepared on Saturday!

Wish me luck!

In it to win it,

Heather

Change in plans

Okay, I've decided that I am not going to join WW and instead turn this into a blog about how much fatter I can really get!

Ha! Just kidding... Kind of. When we were at the gym today, we made an impulsive decision to join in their version of a Biggest Loser challenge. Yikes! But, with the challenge there is a proscribed eating plan to maximize weight loss, which pretty much eliminates the need for me to join Weight Watchers until after this 12 week program is over.

But, the GREAT news for you is how fun is it going to be to hear about a 12-week weight loss challenge?! Right?! I know -- I can already feel your excitement. I know that the journey is one that both terrifies me and excites me. I've never been much of a challenge myself physically kind of a girl. I have friends who have done marathons and half marathons and triathlons (and one friend who has done all 3!) and constantly push themselves to be in good shape. I admired this from a distance while eating ice cream and congratulating them. But, I'm ready to be congratulated. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become.

And to prove it, I'm putting myself fully out there with my blog and posting my very first super fat photo! Yikes!





They make us take before pictures for the the challange. I was not excited about stripping for the buff little dude who is the trainer but what are you gonna do?

Once I get more in tune with this, I'll figure out how to do a whole photo page or something. But let's just baby-step a little bit more, shall we? I mean, seeing all of this is not for everyone! It certainly has played a large part in my aversion to reflective surfaces for so long!

I need a catchy sign off....
Heather

PS -- Turns out my initial weight loss confession was off -- I was 228 on their scale today. 2 lb weight loss since Thursday, ha ha!