Deployed

I'm deployed for catastrophe duty.  Day 2 and while it HAS already been hard with diet and exercise, but let's keep it in perspective...








There are a lot of people, in a lot of need.  If I can do anything to alleviate the suffering of even one person affected by this?  Then that's what it's all about.

Stay safe and hug your families.  I'll try to post once we get into a routine, but it will probably be a while.

hugs,

Heather

Saboteur, revisited

Nothing like sending a call-out asking for folks to join you for a dance party and get no response.  Awkward.  :)  Anyways...

Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log.  This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month.  As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target.  Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now.  *sigh*

It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me.  But, who am I kidding?  What am I blaming the universe because it's out there.  ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!")  I'm the one who sabotages myself.   Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:

I'm the one who sabotages myself.

Perhaps a tattoo is in order?  In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror?  Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh.  Even for me.  Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing.  And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them.  This is maintaining.  I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so.  I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time.  Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185.  I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good.  Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!  I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to.  But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up.  I am never going to give up on myself again.  Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?

I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.

I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011.  It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.)  I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself.  This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering.  I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before.  Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that.  Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there.  This is really old weight that I'm losing now.  Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping.  But I will get there.  

                                However long it takes.

hugs,

Heather

Dance parties

You want to know the best way to unwind? Dancing. A little. A lot. It's good. I went out for a short time and got bit by the bug. Wouldn't it be fun to go somewhere and dance to all the stuff that WE came of age dancing to?! Late 80's thru early 00's before we had kids and furry kids and opinions and grown up jobs and lives...

Lets find a date and a place and let's have a dance-a-thon like back in high school!!!
Who.
    Is.
        In??

We can call it Dance a THIN.  :)

What I have found is that when I am at home and dancing by myself, and this happens more than you think, that what I am really doing is incorporating a lot of the moves I learned in kickboxing.  It's not really dancing, so much as it's cooler (well, in my head anyways) jazzercise.  I think it would be fun to get a bunch of women together, choose a playlist that we actually get excited about and just dance for a few hours.  Burn off some stress and have some fun

Seriously -- who's interested?

Cuz otherwise it'll be me dancing with myself -- oh, oh, oh...

hugs,

Heather

True Confessions - Fat Church, Food, and Alcoholism.... :)

You know how I frequently refer to Weight Watchers as Fat Church?  Well, I looked through my archives and it looks like I never told you why.  I hope that my more religious readers do not get offended.  I mean NO harm!

I'm sure for the most part it's obvious.  There's the prayer before you get on the scale.  The weekly sermon done by your leader.  (Even the occasional guest pastor.)  The collection is the weekly items they are pitching.  The Bible is your Getting Started Guide and you refer to your various Commandments -- the Healthy Guidelines.  I won't go super sacrilegious and try to figure out who our God is, so I'll wrap up with saying further that WW is actually most reminds of Catholic Church because there is confession!

And this is what inspired this post tonight.  Food confessions!  What woman in America does nohet do this?!  It is the most satisfying thing ever!  There is nothing more that I like than to share with my closest   friends that food confessions.  When I tell them about something horribly decadent that I did and I expose it to another person, it just makes me feel better.  Usually they will share something they did.  Or they'll just say, "I was so HORRIBLE!"  Like having a strawberry daiquiri is the highway to hell or something.  Isn't it great?  Don't you feel so much better when you hear that other people are just as crazy as you?!  Then what inspires me to get active and work harder and do better is these same women that I have shared these stories with will then tell me about all of the awesome active things they did to counterbalance that food weakness.  It's really, truly inspiring.  They will always minimize what they do, but trust me -- it's more than I do before 5 in the morning!

This is what I like the best about good Fat Churches.  They're not all built the same, you know.  It's all about the pastor and the congregation.  I've recently been dabbling with trying to find another meeting to go to.  I usually go Wednesday nights.  But just going to one other meeting and I knew that I just really like the Wednesday night group a lot.  Our leader is really awesome.  She really has been there, she really does understand and she really is an example of what you can accomplish if you just believe (faith!).  She makes sure that we discuss the weekly topic but in a way that really incorporates group participation.  But best of all, she encourages confession -- even if she does tease us a little about it.  We confess some of the more audacious things we have done and our perceived failures and she gives us encouragement to do better, be better and we feel recommitted.  The group has clearly known each and been losing together for a while.  And I confess to feeling like an outsider, even though I've been going for more than 16 weeks.  Granted not religiously to this meeting, but enough so that I keep waiting to pass the threshold and feel like an "insider."

So, in honor of this tradition here is my food confession today...  We had a potluck at work today to honor our friend Wanda who is moving on within the company to even more exciting ventures.  (Good luck Wanda!)  There was so much good food and I indulged in some tastes of everything.  Amazing pork barbecue, baked chicken, pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins -- even I baked!  (Muffins that were 2 PPV's each, thank you very much!)  I calculated my points for everything (ugh, hard confession -- 13) and my BFAW and I walked for a long time after to work off just a tiny portion of our indulgence -- and our work frustration!  (Not truly frustration, after all -- I did just get promoted!)  Then tonight, Scott wanted pizza for dinner and I didn't have the creativity to disagree, so I went along and had two slices.  He DID get me spinach and tomato, like I like but that was 9 PPV's.  And then after dinner, I'm trying to get better about drinking moderately during the week...  (Hard confession -- I have had wine Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  Which means I've only been on the wagon Monday and tonight, but baby steps right?)  Where was I?  Oh, tonight after dinner.  I got the munchies, so I had an apple with 2 tablespoons of sunbutter.  (How much do I LOVE sunbutter?)  That was 5 more points.  Needless to say it was a robust day.  I did spend it trying to make good decisions, but I'd be lying if it feels that way now.  My stomach feels thick and I just feel so bloated.

It's going to be ANOTHER indulgent weekend.  I'm going to be looking for ways to fit activity in between and try to minimize the damage.

Wish me luck, but no matter what I'll confess it all here!

hugs,

Heather

Researching controversial theories

I am about to impart to you, my dedicated readers, a theory which I believe may be considered controversial...  Let's start with an excerpt from a boring research paper.

  There is a cognitive bias known as the halo effect that serves to benefit people who are considered attractive.   People who are seen as attractive are considered to have a greater range of special qualities and abilities – even if they do not actually possess those abilities.[1]   People who benefit from the halo effect have an easier time making friends, getting into good schools and getting jobs.  Being pretty is considered a virtue in and of itself.  But, if there is a halo effect that allows people to ascribe positive traits to someone simply based on appearance, then there must also be a reverse halo effect.  If someone is unattractive, then they are imbued with negative qualities. In America, nothing is considered more unattractive than being fat.  Fat people are regularly associated with stereotypes about gluttony, sloth and greed – thus assigning a morality slant to their extra weight.[2]  The biases associated with these stereotypes are the last acceptable prejudice in America, because obesity is considered a controllable condition.[3]  Further, the bias is so pervasive that even fat people carry this prejudice.[4] 

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- this is from my own boring research paper. So, sue me. Anyways, the reason that I'm sharing this is because after you spend 20 pages and hours of research and so forth, the topic of fat bias tends to stick with you... And here's my theory. I think that one of the things that has contributed to my recent promotion has been the combination of the reverse halo effect AND the halo effect. I was at my highest weight when I started in property. Or at least, heading in that direction, as you know from when I posted this (fair warning: there is a hideous fat picture in this link)... I was pretty confident, but not confident that I was pretty. And when you are a person who is ultimately as vain as I am, even when I am self-loathing, this is a hard place to be. It's hard to think that you're going to be good at anything when you're not even comfortable in your own skin. And I didn't feel like I was great at my job, really, and I didn't feel comfortable that I was going to fit in and succeed and whatever. And the thing is that while success at my job is in large part based on how good you actually are at doing your job, there is also some politics and putting on the show and "dressing for the job you want to get rather than the one you have."

I started my weight loss journey for the last time when I started this blog in January of 2011. From that time, my image has slowly been evolving. People gradually started seeing me differently and, I believe, perceiving what I was capable of doing differently -- not because my own ability had actually changed, but because I was physically changing into something that more closely resembled what was/is considered "normal."

A good friend recently made a comment about someone whom we happened to run into that this person had lost a considerable amount of weight and then she "blossomed." (Good friend, I hope you do not mind me using this story as I am not naming names.) I have marinated on this a lot. Anyone who has lost a bit of weight knows what it is like to suddenly have people start paying attention to you because you look different. It is weird. It is empowering, but it is weird. People want to know what you're doing and get advice. They want to apologize for what they're eating. They want to know what you're eating. But the point is -- they notice you. And while I may have been noticed before in a negative way because of the reverse halo effect, it seems more magnified because the halo effect makes me (in my not-so-humble opinion) more attractive because I have taken the weight off, removed this huge stigma and seem like a committed person. Which in turn, could potentially have contributed to me seeming to be the best possible candidate. Not only because I rocked the interview (again, not so humble) but because I exude a persona of being able to get things done. And whyyy do I exude this persona? Because I have lost 40 pounds. To you, I am physically different and this equates to me being different. But am I different? Did I truly "blossom" or was I this person all along and it's just more acceptable because I look better??

And think about the last line from that excerpt -- even fat people carry this bias. People who are overweight are prejudiced against themselves. Again, 20 pages, there's a lot more data to support this. But suffice it to say, when you are an overweight person, there is someone in your head who is telling you that you deserve to feel ugly and not fit in, et cetera. And to go from being that person to having a morning filled with people coming up and talking to me as their weight loss spiritual leader? I love this. It makes me feel great that people see me as this inspiring person as part of their own journey. It makes me want to be better (see also: WW Weeklies have timely messages) and isn't that good too?

So maybe my promotion was due to the reverse halo effect colliding with the halo effect -- who cares? Halo or horns, the job is mine and I am going to rock it!

Let's end this whole thing with the cute quote I used on the cover page of said paper:

“No diet will ever remove all of the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good but all you could do is run for public office.” – George Bernard Shaw

 hugs,

Heather

I had a bad weigh in...

...at Fat Church last night and I just wanted a visual reminder that what I'm doing IS working, I am trending downward (even if it is slower than I'd like) and I will do this.

Thought for the day

From the WW Weekly: "Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." -- Kobi Yamada

I love this!!

Susan Komen final update

I guess I had a chip in bib and didn't even know it. Awkward! Got this email today:

"Congratulations on finishing the Komen Tidewater Race for the Cure on October 13, 2012. The weather on race morning was sunny and cool, 59 degrees with a north wind at 7 mph gusting to 17.

Your overall finish place was 1209 and there were 2145 finishers in the race. Your time of 42:08 gave you a 13:35 pace per mile."

So, I finished about in the middle, with a time under 14 min/mile and in less time than I thought??? Cool!! And really close to the time I was hoping to do it in. Yay, yay, yay!

I sure hope these NSV's supersede the up I think I'm going to see on Wednesday night!!

Hugs,
Heather

Another 5K?

I'm thinking about doing the Jingle Bell 5k Run/Walk.  It's on December 1.  BFF Tina was like, you just complained about how cold this race was in October and now you want to do one in December?  And since I need to talk her into doing it, so I don't have that awkward feeling I talked about in my last post, I need to get to work on the pressuring.

I just like having something to train for, it gives me the motivation I need to get off the couch.

What's the trick to running in the cold?  Is it the gear?  Layers?  I'm looking for some feedback.

I haven't signed up yet, but I have til November 17th to commit and get my swag.  I like the idea of doing this one because of the costumes but it's also the day of my company holiday party, so I'd be well set up to feel like I earned the party hardy.

That's the post-race update for now.  I thought I'd post a short one to keep up the posting momentum and encourage you to keep coming around to read.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Best. Week. EVER.

5k/Susan G Komen day came at the end of a crazy, amazing week for me. (Cra-mazing?)  The week started with me finding out that one of my work calls had won a contest that got me an official NFL jersey.  I'm not a football fan, as anyone knows, but the timing was perfect and it was all around exciting to have won.

Why was the timing perfect?  Because I had my interview for the Senior Claims Adjuster promotion on Wednesday and I knocked it out of the park -- and got the job!!  The amount of happy dancing that went on was ridiculous -- not to mention the vanity shots!  (The dress is what I was wearing when I found out, not for the interview.)  Right after I found out, I was going down one of our infamous long hallways and my director was coming towards me.  I still wasn't able to tell anyone, but of course he knew.  So I got into one of the little nooks in the wall where only he would see me and did what I can only describe as a Muppet themed silent screaming happy dance.  He was falling out laughing, it was just such a great moment.

But because of the lead up to this and the subsequent celebrating, there was not much in the way of training.  I went to the gym on Tuesday night and that was it.  Wednesday was the night of the interview and I went to WW and found out that I got the 1 pound off that I had just put back on (and frankly will probably be there again this week) and then had a great dinner with Scott and my cousin Mary Margaret who happened to be in town.  At this point, I was already getting feedback that the interview went well and I was pretty sure I was going to get the job, but of course you don't know til you know.  Thursday was the day I found out and there was much indulgence that evening with some of my favorite ladies to celebrate.  And then I didn't want to over-do it last night, so I didn't run then either.  I did do 30 minutes on my new stepper, so I feel like I got a little something in...

And today -- the race!  My husband couldn't be roused, so I had to make the trek down by myself.  I was a bundle of nerves about participating by myself (with 1000's of people, but you know what I mean) and this feeling was just further emphasized when I got there.  As I was driving in I was passing all kinds of pink-clad groups wearing tutus and pink wigs and just generally in good spirits.  I had, obviously, never done anything this size and magnitude and just never really thought about the costumes or just how many people would be there, etc.  Because the amount of people was crazy!  I found the group from my gym, but my awkward feeling continued because I don't really know anyone from my gym.   I don't take classes or work with a trainer or anything like that.  I got there just too late to be in the group picture and even felt weird asking someone to take one for me.  (The shy side of Heather, who knew?)  It was 7:15 and the race didn't start until 8:30.  It just seemed to take forever, but then suddenly it was time and we were corralling towards the corral like cattle.

So many things were going through my head the whole time.  The meaning behind the event and the woman from my gym that I had just met who was in her 5th year of survivorship.  Thinking about how freaking cold I was!  Thinking about how I no longer cared what my time was, I just wanted to be done and say that I was done.  Thinking about women and how freaking amazing we are and how so many have been through so many things and survived so much and how so many have to go through that journey alone.  Thinking that no matter how awkward I was feeling about the whole thing, just proud that I signed up for the thing, showed up for the thing and did the thing.

Anyways, I started the timer on my map my walk app so I could try to track my actual time since I didn't get a chip, but it turned out that wasn't that accurate since we were herded there for a while without starting.  Oh well. Once the crowd started dissipating, I finally got to a bit of a jog and had a decent pace.  It was definitely a combo of walking and running the whole thing.  I just would pick random landmarks and try to make it to one of those before walking.  And then I would pick another random landmark that I would have to start running again.  It was very brisk out.  We ran up Atlantic Avenue for the first half, which means we were blocked from the wind -- but also from the sun.  At the halfway point, we make the turn onto the boardwalk -- into the sun AND the wind.  Yay?  My pace wasn't as good as I had hoped, but I really had let that go.  Sure, my goal was to finish in 40 minutes, but it's not like I haven't broken other goals (see also average loss of 5 lbs per month) -- it is what it is.  I was feeling a bit disappointed but still glad that it was over, when out of seemingly nowhere my BFF Tina was there just as I passed the 3 mile mark cheering me on and taking a video of me coming down the row.  I almost had a hard time staying in stride because I started crying a bit.  I probably would have broken into full out sobbing if I had had the breath.  Thanks BFF, you ALWAYS come through!  Anyways, I pushed through and finished at 46:17.  This is just about 6 minutes faster than the "original" 5k, which means since that time I have gotten my time down by 2 minutes per mile.  And considering how much slacking I've done in the interim and how recently I was even able to run as much as I can, I am frankly pretty pleased by that.  It's true, you really do get better the more you do!

Anyways, it's finally over!  As you see pictured, we had an indulgent breakfast at Baker's Crust -- for the record, I could only eat half that thing -- and tonight Scott and I are headed for celebration at the comedy club and indulgent dinner.  Another note on the pictures -- I am really starting to see some of the changes in myself in pictures.  Especially the post race shot -- I really think this may have been a camera trick, because I do not feel like my legs actually look this good.

The tracking this week?  Not so much.  (Sorry Sherrie!)  I'm allowing myself the indulgence of not tracking again today and then renewing my focus by Monday.  (I'd say tomorrow, but who am I kidding?)

Feeling pretty sassy Thursday night after learning I got the promotion

My small attempt at blinging out 

Neptune with his sexy abs

CJ, one of the trainers at the gym

BFFs

Freaking did it!

Greasy indulgent breakfast -- but note the yogurt instead of hash browns

If you've read this far, you are truly a fan and I appreciate you!  I hope that I am giving you just a little bit of the inspiration that I have found along the way and that I hope to keep finding so I can keep trending in a downward direction.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Balance

I want to be a better wife.  I want to be a better employee.  I want to be a better citizen.  I want to be a better cook.  I want to look better.  I want to be smarter.  I want to sing better.  I want to dance better.  I want to be more humble.  I want to be less humble.  I want to eat better.  I want to binge.  I want to be a runner.  I want to stop caring about running.  I want to take more exercise classes.  I want to lift weights.  I want to sit around and watch tv until my brains rot.

I want to embrace all of these aspects of myself and try to get to a place of balance.

As I mentioned, I'm currently vying for a promotion at work.  I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself about it, and I'm trying to ease up a little.  After all, there are a large number of candidates and only a few slots.  But once I've gotten started with the pressure, it's kind of hard to ease up.  In my mind, I'm running stairs Rocky-style. I'm training for this interview like I imagine people train to take their boards.  (Or that's what it looked like on Grey's Anatomy.)  But I'm really scared.  I really want this job, but again there a lot of candidates and they really want the job too or they wouldn't have applied.  So, if I'm putting all this pressure on myself to get this job, and I don't get it.  Then what?  I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I'm more than a little worried about that.  It's hard to be pushing to get something but also knowing that I might not get it.  I want to be prepared for that contingency, but not so prepared that that negativity clouds my optimism and determination.  And I don't want my optimism and determination to punch me in the gut if I don't get it.

I want to have the balance.  I'm just not sure how to go about getting it.  And ironically, how I'm dealing with this stress demonstrates this balance problem to a T.  It's a combination of over-indulgence and exercise.  I finally bought a full on stepper so I could get some height over the Wii balance board I've been using.  Really felt the burn when I used it on Friday night -- in between shots of the new pumpkin pie vodka I bought.  Only me, right?  This weekend was Scott's birthday, so there was plenty of overindulgence.  But this morning I got up and wogged my 5k in the neighborhood.  (Only 5 days left to train for the Susan G Komen.)

Things have a way of working out.  Whether I get this promotion or not, I still have a job I like.  I am supposed to find out the day before I do the race.  Positive or negative outcome, that's definitely going to give me something to think about for 45 minutes.

Wish me luck and thanks for reading!

hugs,

Heather

APA

Had the mock interview to prep for a promotion I'm vying for today. Had some issues to work out, so I headed to the gym. Unfortunately all of the dreadmills were full, so I was forced to hang with my old friend the elliptical.
45 minutes
500 calorie
3.5 miles

Made that thing my beeyotch!

Monthly weigh in log

So... As you can see, same as 9/1 WI. There are other, er, biological factors that have caused a slight up-turn. But this mostly just me being the saboteur. I'm still down 40 from when I started this journey last year and I couldn't have done that without being accountable. So I will continue to be accountable and we'll continue to see progress.

Hugs,
Heater