Warning: Sassiness can have consequences

Funny thing about that sassy post, it had a bit of a bad outcome.  I was feeling so sassy that I decided to wear my cute boot-shoes (what the heck are those things called?  Booties?  Booes?) that night instead of my more sensible tennis shoes...  That decision was made despite the fact that we had to walk a few blocks back and forth to the metro (we were in DC).  The fashion over function debate that all women face whenever there is an outing.  Yeah, bad decision.  I have wound up straining or pulling or something to my left calf and STILL cannot stand up without a bit of a "unh" that is OH so sexy!

So, consequently, I have been skipping the gym.  Because let's be honest, I'm still at that stage (aka my entire life) where getting a hangnail seems like a good reason to go the gym.  It gets better and easier, but then anything happens and I'm right back to being ready to just embrace fatness again.  To paraphrase Kiosk, most of the easiest, most relaxing times are when I decide to just keep it on.  And I struggle with that a lot.  After the sassy post, we spent some time with Scott's sister, because she was the reason we went to DC.  She is teeny tiny thin and it's impossible not to feel like a dumpy giant next to her.  Even though I knew that it's not even physically possible to be that thin, not that I would ever even want to do the amount of work that it would take to stay that thin -- I just felt frumpy.  And I've been trying to shake off that ghost since then.

And it's particularly hard to shake the feeling when I'm NOT feeling like going to the gym.  Or when I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits and catch a look in the mirror and think that I so do not look as cute in mirrors as I feel in my head and how grotesquely unfair is that.  Because then my favorite outfit isn't my favorite outfit anymore??  Which means I have to go shopping and who wants to shop when they feel frumpy?? 

One of the things I've really been focusing on to try to shake the frumpiness is one of my epiphanies about what I have accomplished this year. In one of my earliest confessions I told you that my weight was 230.8.  That was when I was getting ready to join Weight Watchers the first time.  Since I have started trying to re-focus, I have been weighing myself daily (more on this in another blog) and I've stayed hovering around the 210 mark.  My lowest this year was 204.  I've been focusing on the fact that I gained 6 lbs back, but I have decided to shift my thinking and realize that despite all of my jumping off the wagon I have managed to keep off 20 lbs this year.  That is 2 pounds a month.  Most people would not be happy with losing 2 pounds a month and I say -- good on you!  If you can lose more AND keep it off for good, that is great.  But I've been there.  I've lost 50 pounds.  50.  That's not easy and (obviously) it's not easy to keep it off.  If I continue to average 2 lbs a month until I get to a size I'm comfortable with, I think that's an average that is sustainable for a lifetime.  Maybe I'll get to a point where I get more focused and want to lose more.  And then, good on future me!

But as for present me -- I'm just trying to find life support to get out of this frumpy feeling and get back to sassssy.

Tip-toe

So, I thought I was back in June, but clearly that was not the case.  Maybe I'm not back for good, maybe I am.  Let's just take this one post at a time, mmmkay Pumpkin?

My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles.  (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.)  And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought.  The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty.  This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good. 

I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide.  I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case.  I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before.  I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise.  And then there's the exercise.  Of which there has been next to none. 

Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready to get back on track.  I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever.  This was HUGE for me.  It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier.  That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome.  Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing.  I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy.  Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed.  I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill.  I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud.  It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.

And so is blogging again, right??  So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!

Confessions and stuff

First confession, I don't like my blog quote. I rarely eat donuts, but they are so synonymous with fat prejudice that I included it. I'm a wino and I eat unconciously in general -- these are my problems. Oo, and accidental second and third confessions!

Also, I decided to stop kidding myself and I'm joining Weight Watchers. It's an at-work program, which is nice because a lot of my co-workers will now be around to share tips with. But, that also means that I have to talk about losing weight with my co-workers, which is not something I'm super stoked about. It is what it is.

So, we had the initial info meeting on Thursday, but we don't officially start until this coming Thursday. That's our official weigh in. But they brought the scale in case you were "curious." And I'd been occasionally getting on the scale in the gym, so I knew but there's nothing like seeing it on that digital WW scale to bring back all of the combination of regret and desire to overcome.

And so, I am going to overcome my first big fear about why I thought I was not ready to do this and I'm going to put my weight here. On the web. For everyone to see. Because it is this kind of public number shaming or something that needs to go along with this journey that is finally, hopefully going to keep me on the right path once and for fucking all!

The number was 230.8.

Which means that I officially gained back all of the weight that I lost before, to the penny. "Luckily", I didn't go over like so many people do but I did get right back to where I started from. Which is not a good feeling, but luckily I'm at a place now where it doesn't make me spiral into a downward depression of despair. It is what it is. As I said before, I have had many good times getting to this point and I don't undermine that. I like to party and I can't imagine that getting on a healthier lifestyle is ever really going to truly cure that. However, hopefully, I will no longer see that I made it to Wednesday is a reason to "party."

So, there it is. Big confession.

I will also try to start putting up pictures and whatnot because the blogs I like the most have that going for them.

Now, Scott and I are off to the gym for an "orientation." I'm a tad nervous because this is the first time we have worked out together and he's a no pain, no gain kind of exerciser. Me, I'm like right now, I'm just happy that I'm moving!! I'm not trying to set the world on fire. Once I can build up a tolerance to moving and getting my heart rate up, then we'll start pushing more.

I'm admitting to my weight on the WWW, but I'm NOT crazy!! :)