Many people know that one of my blog-spirations is the blog created by Ms. Bitchcakes, because she's a former fat girl who fell in love with exercise. She also has a blog over at Weight Watchers and a recent post got me thinking....
In this post, she talks about how a simple question from her allergist gave her the foundation for the inspiration to be a runner. Something she never thought she would be or do and now she is preparing for the 2012 NYC Marathon. Now, I don't want to be a marathon runner, but I would like to be able to run. I have always seen this as something that other people do. I don't run, because I'm not those people. And I think I look like a dork. And I have to breathe really hard and I tend to pray for death. I mean, I don't call it the dreadmill for nothing.
But, you see, I am frequently reminded of a simple question that someone asked me and it's one of the driving forces as I get s l o w l y back into my work out routine. I alluded to it in this post. I was still working out at the gym at the office. I had a disappointing work-out because I was using the dreadmill (that was the change in my cardio I was referring to) and felt like I didn't really get it in. As I was walking out, my now boss was leaving work for the day. We didn't really know each other, other then the fact that he hung out with the people in my cube quad... In fact, I know that this conversation made no impression on him because it was one of those weird after-work awkward pleasantries exchange -- you know the kind you do because the only thing you have in common with this person is that you are stuck walking in the exact same direction to your parking lot? Made further awkward because someone smells like a gym and someone doesn't? Yeah. Anyhoo, what he said was "did you have a good work-out Heather?" And because he didn't know me, I'm POSITIVE that he was probably only expecting some trite answer like "yeah, sure" -- instead of my response, which was "No, frankly, it was a bit disappointing."
I'm sure I followed it with something along the lines of, anything's better than nothing or whatever. But the fact that I responded with expressing my disappointment -- I have never forgotten that. Because that is a feeling that I struggled to get away from when I was "in it to win it" earlier this year and it's a struggle to get away from now.
But, the thing is that when gaining and losing weight is your primary hobby -- every stage is familiar. After New Year's Day, if you blow that -- well you just declare another day New Year's Day and THAT'S the day by gosh that is really going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Except it's not.
Because the first day of the rest of my life started over 38 years ago. All the rest? Well, that's just been my life.
And today is just today.
It was one of those weird stupid a-ha moments this morning. "Today is just today." It's not the first day of anything, it's not the last day of anything. There's nothing that I do today that is going to necessarily be the beginning -- or the end -- of anything. Today is just today. And today I just have to do the best job that I can to not feel disappointed by myself and the effort that I give to this progression. And tomorrow, I'm probably going to have to do that too -- but that's tomorrow. I'm going to let that work itself out. Today is just today. I'm just going to work on today and the things that I can do today.
Today, I did get up and go to the gym. And I did a 5 minute elliptical warm up and then I got on that dreadmill and I manage to do an under 16 minute mile. Will I do that tomorrow? Don't know. Because that's tomorrow's problem. Today is just today. Today I did not drink at night after yet another long day. I did not have the extra cup of coffee I was starting to get a little too dependent on. I managed to avoid eating a fair amount of crap. And today, I got on the scale and decided to stop kidding myself. Today I stared at my weight and realized that I was kiddding myself before. Because I've been to the gym a few times, I've forgiven myself a whole host of unacceptable behavior and have actually gained 3 pounds (or more) since I started back. Today, I decided to forgive myself.
And that was the most important decision of all. Will I be able to make that decision tomorrow? Will my work out be disappointing?
Don't know. I'm stil in today.
Heather
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