I mentioned in my last post that I had been to a birthday party and ate bad things, and teased that there would be a future post on this topic. Since I ate a chili hot dog for lunch, this seemed like a good time! :)
While I have been overweight for some time, I did not start doing anything to actively correct that until 2005 (see The History of this Fat if you'd like the full rundown). That was the first time I joined WW and paid attention to what I was eating. Since I started this blog (and my new life), I have been trying to monitor what I eat and make better choices. You know that I cheat frequently, since I have written about our "blow diet" Saturdays. You also know that there isn't much formality to how I monitor my diet, I'm more focused on being active. But, still -- I find myself saying things like I ate bad things. This is something that has always driven me crazy when I've known other people dieting. I remember an Oprah episode where she had some gourmet baker on who had made this amazing cake of some sort, and Oprah wouldn't even eat a bite because she had a dress she had to fit in for an event and didn't want to mess around. I mean, one bite? Walk 5 more minutes on the dreadmill, then.
Again, I get into the slippery slope. I knew that I was going to have a chili hot dog for lunch, so I did account for that in my calorie counting for the day. But, I also knew that today I'm planning on adding my second work-out and taking a Zumba class tonight. I knew that there was room for error. I do try to make much smarter decisions than I did in the past. But, when I do eat something that is NOT healthy, I really try not to quantify that as "bad." The food itself isn't "bad" that is a value I ascribed to it when I chose to eat it instead of a bowl of carrots. Really, I'm "bad", I'm making choices that are not best for me. I'm trying to balance this need to lose weight with the reality of the world we live in.
Actually, I watched The Biggest Loser last night for the first time in a while. I had been feeling kind of blue about my progress and was unsuccessful in even writing a blog post that encapsulated how I was feeling. I just wanted to watch a show where there were people who had further to go than me and see their progress. It's always been motivating in the past for me. And last night's episode proved to be a mixed bag of motivation. There was a team that was given the opportunity to work on their own to try to get back on the ranch. They had been working out for the last 13 weeks, or whatever, at home and doing their own thing. The mother/son pair had lost a combined total of 75 pounds. (One of them needed to beat 91 pounds in order to beat someone who had the highest percentage of total weight loss.) So, that was kind of amazing to see that one woman had been able to lose 45 pounds on her own in the amount of time that it's taken me to lose about 15. Amazing and depressing, actually. Then, there was another team that lost a challenge and had to go off the ranch for a week. They got a $1000 to use for food, gym memberships and luxuries. They chose to spend that allocation on some smart choices -- buying their own food, gym membership -- but then they made some not-so-wise choices like getting massages instead of having their personal trainer from the ranch come and help them. Needless to say, they lost almost no weight and one of them was sent home. And they had everything in their toolkit to go off on their own and be successful! They had been working out and eating right like it was a full time job and still failed when they had to do it on their own.
Now, you can call it schadenfreude if you want, but I took a lot of encouragement from that. Losing weight, getting healthy, changing your life is hard, hard, hard! If someone who has been doing it as a full time job can't do it when they lose their support net, then someone like me has an uphill battle to face going it virtually alone. Whose best current food plan has been to "eat lots of chicken." Yes, I have Scott -- thank GOD -- going with me, but there are still bumps in the road even if your partner is in with you.
Anyways, I veered off of the bad things topic that I started -- as I tend to do. The long and the short is that it's not the food that it's bad -- it's the choices that are bad. I can't keep making the decisions I made in the past, they're not going to help me get where I want to go. All I can do is keep looking to the future and don't be caught off guard by too much cake and wine and not enough chicken.
After all, if I keep working at it, eventually the number will follow the work.
I HOPE!
hugs,
Heather
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Weekend update
(insert catchy theme music)
As usual, some highs and lows to report. Yesterday was, of course, body challenge workout day. Last week, we had the workout from hell, so I had been feeling a lot of trepidation going in to this one. But, the most awesome thing happened in the beginning. One of the guys from the challenge said, "Hey, I think that we have a problem motivating each other because we've been doing this all this time and I don't even know half of your names." So, we went around the room and did a name refresher and then during the workout we were able to yell (or grunt or cry) out each other's names and give each other moral support. That was really cool. Then after our workout, which didn't feel quite as horrible as it usually does, one of the take-charge type women in our group said, "Hey, anyone want to hang out afterwards and talk about how things are going?" So, several of us did that and that was also very uplifting. Like WW and how everyone talks about the challenges that they face. Scott and I left feeling quite inspired.
But, then we went to a birthday party and ate "bad things." This is a post I will be writing in the future, because this plays into a lot of the diet related issues I have with weight loss. Then that night I hosted a Lia Sophia Jewelry party. I made the statement this week that I was not going to drink until Sertoma Spring Fever, but unfortunately I did fall off the wagon last night. I will say that I did not leap off and that I pumped the brakes FAR more than I have on previous Saturdays. But, a house filled with women drinking plus the availability of red wine made it far more difficult for me to abstain. Still, and I know that I'm rationalizing so give me some slack -- I drank a LOT of water first and did not drink to the point of fuzziness. I even drank water in between.
And when I got on the scale this morning, it was the same as it was yesterday -- which usually doesn't happen on a Sunday morning.
SO. I am once again renewing my commitment to try to stay on the wagon until Sertoma. I'm feeling recharged by my group at the gym. And I'm ready to go run... some errands with my husband!
Enjoy what's left of YOUR weekend!
As usual, some highs and lows to report. Yesterday was, of course, body challenge workout day. Last week, we had the workout from hell, so I had been feeling a lot of trepidation going in to this one. But, the most awesome thing happened in the beginning. One of the guys from the challenge said, "Hey, I think that we have a problem motivating each other because we've been doing this all this time and I don't even know half of your names." So, we went around the room and did a name refresher and then during the workout we were able to yell (or grunt or cry) out each other's names and give each other moral support. That was really cool. Then after our workout, which didn't feel quite as horrible as it usually does, one of the take-charge type women in our group said, "Hey, anyone want to hang out afterwards and talk about how things are going?" So, several of us did that and that was also very uplifting. Like WW and how everyone talks about the challenges that they face. Scott and I left feeling quite inspired.
But, then we went to a birthday party and ate "bad things." This is a post I will be writing in the future, because this plays into a lot of the diet related issues I have with weight loss. Then that night I hosted a Lia Sophia Jewelry party. I made the statement this week that I was not going to drink until Sertoma Spring Fever, but unfortunately I did fall off the wagon last night. I will say that I did not leap off and that I pumped the brakes FAR more than I have on previous Saturdays. But, a house filled with women drinking plus the availability of red wine made it far more difficult for me to abstain. Still, and I know that I'm rationalizing so give me some slack -- I drank a LOT of water first and did not drink to the point of fuzziness. I even drank water in between.
And when I got on the scale this morning, it was the same as it was yesterday -- which usually doesn't happen on a Sunday morning.
SO. I am once again renewing my commitment to try to stay on the wagon until Sertoma. I'm feeling recharged by my group at the gym. And I'm ready to go run... some errands with my husband!
Enjoy what's left of YOUR weekend!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dear Future Heather,
Today, you officially dropped to a size 16. Sadly, your efforts to make this a federal (or even a state) holiday were not successful -- but nonetheless, it was a big day to you. You posted this update on your Facebook page (just that you dropped a size, not the giant number) yesterday, but you didn't really believe it until today. Second day in a row made it official, I guess. As you read this, Future Heather, you may not fully remember how exciting it felt to be able to get back into that size. But here's how it felt: it felt like the promise of everything I've started working towards was starting to fall into place.
But this day, Future Heather, it came with a setback. Do you remember that? Do you remember striding proudly in for your second workout of the day and... Well, let's not the time color our memory -- truth is, you did not want to go back for the second workout. You tried 17 different excuses to rationalize not going after work. But then, you walked out behind some women talking about how their WW meeting was shrinking in size and how they hope that the second half of their session goes better than the first. And you, in your weird wisdom, decided to take this as a sign of the push you needed to do the right thing. Unfortunately, it wasn't a great workout. The dreadmill came true to its name again and showed its fangs. You got so winded you couldn't finish even your 30 minute walk. You finished your workout on the bike, which at this stage you feel is giving up. Technically, it was 35 minutes of cardio, but you felt like it was a setback. (It wasn't, you know -- even these little steps brought you to wherever you are today, Future Heather.)
I think about you a lot. I know it's weird, because I haven't met you. But, I think about what you'll look like and what you'll be able to do. I think about how much fun you must have shopping a lot. I wonder what kind of activity you've started enjoying. I'm really anxious to know if you ever defeat that dreadmill dragon and are able to really, truly run.
I'm wishing you all the best Future Heather -- thank you for burgeoning in me and turning me into you!
Love,
Past Heather
But this day, Future Heather, it came with a setback. Do you remember that? Do you remember striding proudly in for your second workout of the day and... Well, let's not the time color our memory -- truth is, you did not want to go back for the second workout. You tried 17 different excuses to rationalize not going after work. But then, you walked out behind some women talking about how their WW meeting was shrinking in size and how they hope that the second half of their session goes better than the first. And you, in your weird wisdom, decided to take this as a sign of the push you needed to do the right thing. Unfortunately, it wasn't a great workout. The dreadmill came true to its name again and showed its fangs. You got so winded you couldn't finish even your 30 minute walk. You finished your workout on the bike, which at this stage you feel is giving up. Technically, it was 35 minutes of cardio, but you felt like it was a setback. (It wasn't, you know -- even these little steps brought you to wherever you are today, Future Heather.)
I think about you a lot. I know it's weird, because I haven't met you. But, I think about what you'll look like and what you'll be able to do. I think about how much fun you must have shopping a lot. I wonder what kind of activity you've started enjoying. I'm really anxious to know if you ever defeat that dreadmill dragon and are able to really, truly run.
I'm wishing you all the best Future Heather -- thank you for burgeoning in me and turning me into you!
Love,
Past Heather
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Highway to the Comfort Zone
First, and foremost, a few people have come up to me recently and mentioned that they enjoy my blog. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate that! It does inflate my ego, which may be negatively affecting my scale results -- but it is what it is. Seriously, thanks for the compliments -- it's nice to know I'm not whistling in the dark here.
But, then again, if you're trying to lose weight, have lost weight, decided to keep it on -- no matter where you are on your journey, you're not really alone are you? There is ALWAYS someone who knows what you're going through and isn't shy about telling you. As a favorite song line goes, "there's always someone with a big nose who knows and trips you up and laughs when you fall." There is both comfort and frustration in that, don't you think? On the one hand, it's really nice to know that you only have to take 3 steps to run into someone who has been on some part of the journey that you are on -- but on the other hand, sometimes you wish they would just shut the f* up.
Maybe that last part is just me, I do tend to have that part of my personality. Smile and nod, but there's a part of me that wishes you would just shut up. I mean, not YOU! :)
As an example, as Scott and I got ready for the 5k there was a morning where I was once again trying to put some running into my walking regime. As the 5 minute mark grows close for the interval, I really think that part of my heart rate increase is strictly the fear that accompanies what an idiot I feel like whenever I try to run. I try to make it for a minute, but most of the time 30-45 seconds is doing pretty good. One morning after we had worked out together, Scott made a comment that he was "disappointed" that I only had a few seconds to go to make it to a one minute mark running and I stopped. I remember letting this remark fester for a while. But, I finally thought, you know -- for all he knows, I was shooting for 30 seconds and overshot what I trying to accomplish. So, whatever.
An acquaintance was talking to me (gossiping) about the weight loss efforts of someone else we knew. She surmised that this other person simply wasn't challenging herself enough. That she was using excuses and not trying to push herself harder. My comment was that no one can make you be ready but you.
But, I don't think she took what I meant in the spirit that I meant it. But, it goes along with the comfort zone issue that I talk about frequently (here's one example). It's a very fine line between being comfortable with your routine and knowing when to step it up. See, for me, this conversation with this lady was one of the secondary factors in my decision this week to start stepping up instead of sitting down. (The primary was a rougher than usual weekly challenge. LOTS of intervals and pressure to "reach for the moon, because if you miss you still get a star." I should've written a blog entry on this experience, but let's just say the pain and near humiliation was seconded only by the Mt. Trashmore work-out also linked above.)
Because, I thought that someone could just as easily have this conversation about me behind my back. And while I don't entirely care what other people say about me behind my back, it was frustrating to me because I realized it was true. I haven't been challenging myself more. I've been self-congratulatory about getting up at dawn to go to the gym and for all of my recent accomplishments -- despite the fact that the scale is not going down and I'm regularly having a blow diet celebration every Saturday. Despite the fact that I do NOT like to pick things up and put them down -- that's another Heather Lee, thank you!
So, today I had my first post-work workout and hope to continue this for at least 3 additional weekdays weekly. I am also going to make a very strong effort to try to stay completely on the wagon until Sertoma Spring Fever. (If you've never been to this event, Scott describes it as being like an outdoor open bar wedding reception to celebrate Spring. I say it's Christmas for drunks. Either way, it is a TON of fun!) That's 25 days of no drinking. That is a lot of awareness! But, I may be up to the challenge. We'll see. There are many challenges along the way, but think of the benefit!
Because here's the thing, there are only 43 days until the body challenge is over, and 7 days after that is my 38th birthday. My goal is to be in the One-derland by my birthday. If I get off this highway and get into the challenge zone then that is a highly achievable goal. 50 days to lose 15-ish pounds -- that's an average of 2 a week. Wish me luck!
Taking the next exit to overdrive,
Heather
PS -- Funny thing though, even though the scale isn't moving much, I'm millimeters away from dropping a jeans size. So, I know things are working -- just got to get it all together!
But, then again, if you're trying to lose weight, have lost weight, decided to keep it on -- no matter where you are on your journey, you're not really alone are you? There is ALWAYS someone who knows what you're going through and isn't shy about telling you. As a favorite song line goes, "there's always someone with a big nose who knows and trips you up and laughs when you fall." There is both comfort and frustration in that, don't you think? On the one hand, it's really nice to know that you only have to take 3 steps to run into someone who has been on some part of the journey that you are on -- but on the other hand, sometimes you wish they would just shut the f* up.
Maybe that last part is just me, I do tend to have that part of my personality. Smile and nod, but there's a part of me that wishes you would just shut up. I mean, not YOU! :)
As an example, as Scott and I got ready for the 5k there was a morning where I was once again trying to put some running into my walking regime. As the 5 minute mark grows close for the interval, I really think that part of my heart rate increase is strictly the fear that accompanies what an idiot I feel like whenever I try to run. I try to make it for a minute, but most of the time 30-45 seconds is doing pretty good. One morning after we had worked out together, Scott made a comment that he was "disappointed" that I only had a few seconds to go to make it to a one minute mark running and I stopped. I remember letting this remark fester for a while. But, I finally thought, you know -- for all he knows, I was shooting for 30 seconds and overshot what I trying to accomplish. So, whatever.
An acquaintance was talking to me (gossiping) about the weight loss efforts of someone else we knew. She surmised that this other person simply wasn't challenging herself enough. That she was using excuses and not trying to push herself harder. My comment was that no one can make you be ready but you.
But, I don't think she took what I meant in the spirit that I meant it. But, it goes along with the comfort zone issue that I talk about frequently (here's one example). It's a very fine line between being comfortable with your routine and knowing when to step it up. See, for me, this conversation with this lady was one of the secondary factors in my decision this week to start stepping up instead of sitting down. (The primary was a rougher than usual weekly challenge. LOTS of intervals and pressure to "reach for the moon, because if you miss you still get a star." I should've written a blog entry on this experience, but let's just say the pain and near humiliation was seconded only by the Mt. Trashmore work-out also linked above.)
Because, I thought that someone could just as easily have this conversation about me behind my back. And while I don't entirely care what other people say about me behind my back, it was frustrating to me because I realized it was true. I haven't been challenging myself more. I've been self-congratulatory about getting up at dawn to go to the gym and for all of my recent accomplishments -- despite the fact that the scale is not going down and I'm regularly having a blow diet celebration every Saturday. Despite the fact that I do NOT like to pick things up and put them down -- that's another Heather Lee, thank you!
So, today I had my first post-work workout and hope to continue this for at least 3 additional weekdays weekly. I am also going to make a very strong effort to try to stay completely on the wagon until Sertoma Spring Fever. (If you've never been to this event, Scott describes it as being like an outdoor open bar wedding reception to celebrate Spring. I say it's Christmas for drunks. Either way, it is a TON of fun!) That's 25 days of no drinking. That is a lot of awareness! But, I may be up to the challenge. We'll see. There are many challenges along the way, but think of the benefit!
Because here's the thing, there are only 43 days until the body challenge is over, and 7 days after that is my 38th birthday. My goal is to be in the One-derland by my birthday. If I get off this highway and get into the challenge zone then that is a highly achievable goal. 50 days to lose 15-ish pounds -- that's an average of 2 a week. Wish me luck!
Taking the next exit to overdrive,
Heather
PS -- Funny thing though, even though the scale isn't moving much, I'm millimeters away from dropping a jeans size. So, I know things are working -- just got to get it all together!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fat brain
Here's a side-effect of working out that doesn't get mentioned a lot, I bet. Even though physically I am still quite overweight, I don't really feel like a "fat girl" a lot of the time. I have to remind myself that there are people who still see me this way.
But, "fat girls" don't do 5ks. Or get up at 5 a.m. to exercise. Or even attempt to count calories.
So, I can't be a fat girl, because I do all of those things.
But, it's funny, because the mirror and my pants -- they still think I'm a fat girl. They reflect this person back to me, and I think, "who is THIS broad? She looks like a fat girl, that can't be me."
I frequently battle with myself because I'm doing this thing backwards from how I did it before. I'm exercising more first and trying to get my diet in order second. (The folks at the Body Challenge definitely think I should be doing both, but this is what is currently sustainable for the long haul.) But, the biggest difference is that when I did the diet first last time, it took a loooooong time before I stopped thinking I was a fat girl. This time, it's only taken a month-ish. It's probably the 5k, but maybe it's also just the working out most every day. All I know is that it's a good feeling. Despite the ups and downs (and you know this is just one of the most recent examples), I know I don't have a fat brain anymore. I cannot imagine going back to being a full-time couch potato again, and I frequently am trying to incrementally add more ways to exercise into my life and my plan. I'm still somewhat stuck, but it's a goal that I know I will achieve.
I'm going to sign off now, but let me again tell you... I do NOT love exercise yet. I still dread going to the gym, it is still so very hard to do the work-out. Do not let all of this glowy posting fool you. Exercise is hard, hard, hard when your body is overweight and it doesn't get super-easy just because you do it a lot. But, it does become a habit AND it is noticeable when you do it, even when you don't see the number on the scale change. This is the subtle nuance... I don't feel better that I did it, I feel better because I got it done. Does that make sense?
It will when you start, I promise! Fat back guarantee if I'm wrong!! :)
hugs,
Heather
But, "fat girls" don't do 5ks. Or get up at 5 a.m. to exercise. Or even attempt to count calories.
So, I can't be a fat girl, because I do all of those things.
But, it's funny, because the mirror and my pants -- they still think I'm a fat girl. They reflect this person back to me, and I think, "who is THIS broad? She looks like a fat girl, that can't be me."
I frequently battle with myself because I'm doing this thing backwards from how I did it before. I'm exercising more first and trying to get my diet in order second. (The folks at the Body Challenge definitely think I should be doing both, but this is what is currently sustainable for the long haul.) But, the biggest difference is that when I did the diet first last time, it took a loooooong time before I stopped thinking I was a fat girl. This time, it's only taken a month-ish. It's probably the 5k, but maybe it's also just the working out most every day. All I know is that it's a good feeling. Despite the ups and downs (and you know this is just one of the most recent examples), I know I don't have a fat brain anymore. I cannot imagine going back to being a full-time couch potato again, and I frequently am trying to incrementally add more ways to exercise into my life and my plan. I'm still somewhat stuck, but it's a goal that I know I will achieve.
I'm going to sign off now, but let me again tell you... I do NOT love exercise yet. I still dread going to the gym, it is still so very hard to do the work-out. Do not let all of this glowy posting fool you. Exercise is hard, hard, hard when your body is overweight and it doesn't get super-easy just because you do it a lot. But, it does become a habit AND it is noticeable when you do it, even when you don't see the number on the scale change. This is the subtle nuance... I don't feel better that I did it, I feel better because I got it done. Does that make sense?
It will when you start, I promise! Fat back guarantee if I'm wrong!! :)
hugs,
Heather
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Cheating on myself
Every weight loss blog has to have one good confessional from time to time, right?
It has not been a great week progress-wise. Workout on Monday morning felt half-assed. I think I was suffering from post-race arrogance and tried to do too much too soon. Not sure, but it was not a stellar performance.
Monday afternoon I was feeling cruddy and left work early and it carried into Tuesday. (TMI alert -- turned out to be the period from hell.) No workout Tuesday. Wednesday I had a good workout but then my "diet" went to hell.
Let's talk about that for a moment. Honestly, I'm not on a diet, which is part of the reason I don't talk about that part of it so much here. Currently, I try to watch what I eat and I have a tracker on my phone that I track the calories of everything I eat -- mostly. Only this week my tracking went to hell, mostly. The other thing I do is not drink during the week. Well, that's the plan. But Wednesday was such a glorious day and it was my first full day on my earlier schedule, so I was filled with the excitement of getting off work when the sun was out and Scott suggested margaritas on a patio somewhere -- who can resist?? Who has two thumbs and loves a salt-rimmed sour tequila treat?? Of course, by the time we got there, it was a bit too late to drink outside because it was chilly again, but the margarita cannot be denied. And that continued into too much vino with our neighbors.
Which led to me oversleeping for my workout today. Ugh.
Still, I made it tonight and got under a 16 minute mile, which is huge for me. I tracked all of my food today. I had a good confessional call with Julia, which purges my soul and helps me talk myself out of the beating myself up cycle. I mean, look at my first post where I didn't want to talk to people about my weight loss efforts, where I was baby-stepping. I really have come a long, long way. I have to keep focusing on that and not get in a cycle of beating myself up. It's a slippery slope, but talking to you invisible, imagined blog audience really does help a lot.
Big hugs my imaginary friends!
Heather
It has not been a great week progress-wise. Workout on Monday morning felt half-assed. I think I was suffering from post-race arrogance and tried to do too much too soon. Not sure, but it was not a stellar performance.
Monday afternoon I was feeling cruddy and left work early and it carried into Tuesday. (TMI alert -- turned out to be the period from hell.) No workout Tuesday. Wednesday I had a good workout but then my "diet" went to hell.
Let's talk about that for a moment. Honestly, I'm not on a diet, which is part of the reason I don't talk about that part of it so much here. Currently, I try to watch what I eat and I have a tracker on my phone that I track the calories of everything I eat -- mostly. Only this week my tracking went to hell, mostly. The other thing I do is not drink during the week. Well, that's the plan. But Wednesday was such a glorious day and it was my first full day on my earlier schedule, so I was filled with the excitement of getting off work when the sun was out and Scott suggested margaritas on a patio somewhere -- who can resist?? Who has two thumbs and loves a salt-rimmed sour tequila treat?? Of course, by the time we got there, it was a bit too late to drink outside because it was chilly again, but the margarita cannot be denied. And that continued into too much vino with our neighbors.
Which led to me oversleeping for my workout today. Ugh.
Still, I made it tonight and got under a 16 minute mile, which is huge for me. I tracked all of my food today. I had a good confessional call with Julia, which purges my soul and helps me talk myself out of the beating myself up cycle. I mean, look at my first post where I didn't want to talk to people about my weight loss efforts, where I was baby-stepping. I really have come a long, long way. I have to keep focusing on that and not get in a cycle of beating myself up. It's a slippery slope, but talking to you invisible, imagined blog audience really does help a lot.
Big hugs my imaginary friends!
Heather
Monday, March 14, 2011
Perfect perfect inspirational quote
"and then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom." Anais Nin
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Retro-introspective
The thing is that I understand so much more why people proselytize about exercise now. I just feel so good about myself and the things that I have already made my body accomplish. Scott and I were just talking about how much more energy we have. And how the periods of soreness lessen all the time. And how when someone says there's this 5k, we're ready to go. And how I want to be able to get to the point of being able to run the whole 5k.
Two different people told me yesterday that they thought the fact that I am blogging is inspirational. They told me this for two different reasons. I doubt that they understood (until now when they can read it on the WWW) just how much that means to me. Because I started doing this because my friend "kiosk" pointed me in the direction of some weight loss blogs that SHE loved... I was already heading towards the mindset of making changes in my life, and these blogs just really helped me get there. And I just think if I can change even one person's life and have them choose him or herself FIRST because of something that I have said or done, well -- that's pretty kick ass, isn't it? That's a reason to keep writing.
And I said early on, I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become. I'm not holding myself back anymore by ideas of who I am or what I'm supposed to be able to do. I decided that it was "my time," as they say. I still backslide physically, emotionally, nutritionally, etc. But, on December 31st I was a couch potato, and yesterday I completed a 5k. So, who is to say that it can't be done?
But, I know from my own experience that I'm the only person who could talk me into feeling this way -- that's the thing about proseltyzing. You really do have to preach to the choir, because people aren't ready to do their thing. I sincerely try to be mindful of that, because I was SO there. I can't do this, or I can't do that I would think. I wasn't ready. Maybe you're not ready either. But, if there is even a dram of inspiration in here for you, then I will try to keep those drams coming until your cup is ready and you are ready to take a big swig of the life that is going to be waiting for you. I still can't do all kinds of things -- the difference is that now I know that I can't do them YET. :)
Big hugs!
Heather
Two different people told me yesterday that they thought the fact that I am blogging is inspirational. They told me this for two different reasons. I doubt that they understood (until now when they can read it on the WWW) just how much that means to me. Because I started doing this because my friend "kiosk" pointed me in the direction of some weight loss blogs that SHE loved... I was already heading towards the mindset of making changes in my life, and these blogs just really helped me get there. And I just think if I can change even one person's life and have them choose him or herself FIRST because of something that I have said or done, well -- that's pretty kick ass, isn't it? That's a reason to keep writing.
And I said early on, I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become. I'm not holding myself back anymore by ideas of who I am or what I'm supposed to be able to do. I decided that it was "my time," as they say. I still backslide physically, emotionally, nutritionally, etc. But, on December 31st I was a couch potato, and yesterday I completed a 5k. So, who is to say that it can't be done?
But, I know from my own experience that I'm the only person who could talk me into feeling this way -- that's the thing about proseltyzing. You really do have to preach to the choir, because people aren't ready to do their thing. I sincerely try to be mindful of that, because I was SO there. I can't do this, or I can't do that I would think. I wasn't ready. Maybe you're not ready either. But, if there is even a dram of inspiration in here for you, then I will try to keep those drams coming until your cup is ready and you are ready to take a big swig of the life that is going to be waiting for you. I still can't do all kinds of things -- the difference is that now I know that I can't do them YET. :)
Big hugs!
Heather
Saturday, March 12, 2011
5K DAY!
What a great experience!
It was a really pretty sunny day. Kind of a chilly, but didn't wear a coat because I kind of thought I'd be warm enough by the end. The race started at 8, and we were told to be there by 7. We got there right at 7 and still had to wait in line to get our numbers. Then it was a lot of waiting and anticipation.
And then I saw KILLER KOPECKY! That was so awesome! What a motivating sight, she was. Her boys go to Cox High School (where the race was held) and she was doing a "short run" for the school. It was very emotional for me seeing her and I got a little choked up. But, I sucked it up and we made it for the start line.
And then Lora (that's Scott's Mom) showed up. So nice to have a cheering section! And someone to take pictures at the end. (I have no idea how Ms. Bitchcakes takes all those pictures while she is doing her events.)
We did our pre-start warm up with the gym. I was all lined up and ready to go and then when the starting buzz when off -- I had a music malfunction! See, I had my music all ready to go, but I wanted to hear the starting buzzer so I paused it, then my hands were too cold to start it. I was trying to jog and fix it and then slowed into my walk. Most of the pack was in front of me -- including Scott -- but there were some folks behind me. When I hit mile 1, I was a little concerned about my pace but then I checked the time and I was staying at 17 minutes. Got a little vahklempt with pride for myself. I mean, frankly, for my first 5k and my fitness level -- that was my goal, to finish at an average 17 minute mile. Not ambitious, I know, but realistic.
I won't bore you with the details of the route, but trust me it was through some beautiful homes and everyone was so friendly along the way.
When I finally got to to the finish line on the track at Cox High School, I wanted to sprint more than I did but when I hit the track the wind was in my face and I was not trying to recreate a song from the 80's. And when I hit the track and saw the 3 mile sign and it was really almost over, I almost started crying. I was really choked up and emotional but I talked myself out of crying because I wouldn't have the air to sprint to the finish. I rounded the corner and ran as fast as my fat little beautiful legs would take me.
52:02.
Under a 17 minute mile, can you believe it?
Me, who hasn't been physically active pretty much ever in my life and now I have finished my first 5k.
And I placed! I mean, it was 21 out of 21, but I still had my name on the list of people who finished. (I've decided that there must have been more than 21 people in my age group to make it mean more.)
Anyways, so that was my day. Great day, great accomplishment. Thank you all for listening and going along for the ride with me!
Now it's off to well-earned massages!
big hugs,
Heather
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lucky
I just wanted to post another quick motivational word which is lucky.
I feel that I am extremely lucky to have this opportunity to explore what my body can do. To see how I can shape my body from this to whatever the future holds. Maybe I am intimidated by this 5k on Saturday, but I know that in 4 days I will be able to say that I did that. Sure, I'm not running really and I'm not going to finish in a time that's going to give Carl Lewis pause, but I am going to be able to say I did it. Something I have never, ever done before. Something that even a few months ago if you had told me I was going to be able to do I would have laughed and laughed and then asked you to pass the remote.
I see teeny, microscopic changes in my body all of the time and it is really exciting. This morning on the treadmill when I looked at my reflection in the window, maybe it was an optical illusion but I thought I could see the outline of my collar bone. Most skinny girls don't know but this is up there in fat girl fantasy world -- collar bones. When you're wearing something that exposes your neckline and you can see your collarbones just so, that's one of the ways you know you made it. (That and your thighs not touching, but as you know from my previous post I have a long way to go for that!!)
So, I'm motivated by the fact that I'm lucky to have this opportunity to make my body do these things. That I didn't get to a point where I died of pizza overdose or just gave up completely on ever being able to exercise.
My new mantra is I will do this, because I CAN do this!
Happy Wednesday!
hugs,
Heather
I feel that I am extremely lucky to have this opportunity to explore what my body can do. To see how I can shape my body from this to whatever the future holds. Maybe I am intimidated by this 5k on Saturday, but I know that in 4 days I will be able to say that I did that. Sure, I'm not running really and I'm not going to finish in a time that's going to give Carl Lewis pause, but I am going to be able to say I did it. Something I have never, ever done before. Something that even a few months ago if you had told me I was going to be able to do I would have laughed and laughed and then asked you to pass the remote.
I see teeny, microscopic changes in my body all of the time and it is really exciting. This morning on the treadmill when I looked at my reflection in the window, maybe it was an optical illusion but I thought I could see the outline of my collar bone. Most skinny girls don't know but this is up there in fat girl fantasy world -- collar bones. When you're wearing something that exposes your neckline and you can see your collarbones just so, that's one of the ways you know you made it. (That and your thighs not touching, but as you know from my previous post I have a long way to go for that!!)
So, I'm motivated by the fact that I'm lucky to have this opportunity to make my body do these things. That I didn't get to a point where I died of pizza overdose or just gave up completely on ever being able to exercise.
My new mantra is I will do this, because I CAN do this!
Happy Wednesday!
hugs,
Heather
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Reasons I'm motivated
Today was the day of the team challenge of our body challenge. It's held at Mt. Trashmore, which locals know is literally a "mountain" made of trash that has then been covered and made pretty. Most of the workout is like our regular group workouts. We work in groups and do 5 minutes doing various exercises working arms, abs, legs and chest. After 4 (?) weeks, this is still very difficult for me. And this brought me to my blog post today.
I've thought of a lot of different reasons that I'm motivated to do this, especially this week. As I posted earlier, I was having problems getting on track. I was pretty frustrated with myself. And was feeling pretty down about my prospects of being able to move forward.
But then on Thursday, I was able to do 40 minutes on the elliptical at an average stride per minute of 103. Friday I finished 45 minutes on the dreadmill, and kept that at an average pace of 3.6 mph... And then I had one of my most motivating things happen. The pants I wore were a bit too big and were drooping to mid-thigh. I noted this but didn't think too much of it when I lef the house. That was because when I lef the house I wasn't walking 3.6 miles per hour -- much less trying to jog a bit. About mid-way through my workout I realized that my thighs were rubbing together so much that I was sustaining the equivalent of a fairly significant rug burn. And that was mid-way through. I pushed through and managed to finish my workout, but I spent the rest of the day walking like I had been horseback riding for a bit too long.
Big motivation -- get thighs small enough to never have to deal with this again!
Then come back to today and the challenge at Mt. Trashmore. On our interval, the wanted us to run (ha!) up the hill and then come back down... backwards! I was already slightly mortified in previous intervals when the other people in my group were lapping me, but this was so much more mortifying... I couldn't run, I could barely walk. At one point I joked I needed a walker! And then coming down backwards? One of the trainers helped me most of the way down and the second time -- I didn't even go all the way to the top (I got a hall pass in the interest of keeping things moving apparently) and even then as I was backing down people who had been to the top were lapping me coming back down. I really wanted to die of shame.
Big motivation #2 -- get in shape enough to keep up with the pack!
Which of course the work that goes into #1 will help with #2.
As you know, I constantly struggle with this delicate balancing act of forgiving myself for not being able to do more and still pushing to move forward. I still don't know when I'm just stopping because I'm lazy or because I really should be stopping. And how can anyone know that? I can't find the exact post, but Ms. Bitchcakes once said that your brain is going to want to quit long before your body needs to. (For anyone who doesn't know this, this woman was one of the biggest motivators in my deciding to blog about my weight loss journey. She has the awesomest, shiniest blog like ever!) And that's the thing -- the biggest motivator -- I would LOVE to be the maniac. Like one of the trainers this morning who was so go, go, go that we all wanted to simultaneously kill her and BE her at the same time. It's a twisted thing. But that's not something I can expect to happen overnight. And it's not something that's going to happen without tons of work.
And I'm not there yet. I'm still working on becoming the me I want to be. But look how far I've already come, right??
I can work out for 30-40 minutes at a time without puking. By their scales, (which is another post) I have lost 13 pounds. I'm getting up most mornings and working out before I go to work. I'm eating better than I ever have in my life. I've gone from drinking most nights to confining my wino-ism to the weekends -- and then mostly just Saturday. My jeans fit out of the dryer.
And that's only a couple of months into my transformation. Aren't you excited to see what the year is going to bring??
Have a great weekend!
Hugs,
Heather
I've thought of a lot of different reasons that I'm motivated to do this, especially this week. As I posted earlier, I was having problems getting on track. I was pretty frustrated with myself. And was feeling pretty down about my prospects of being able to move forward.
But then on Thursday, I was able to do 40 minutes on the elliptical at an average stride per minute of 103. Friday I finished 45 minutes on the dreadmill, and kept that at an average pace of 3.6 mph... And then I had one of my most motivating things happen. The pants I wore were a bit too big and were drooping to mid-thigh. I noted this but didn't think too much of it when I lef the house. That was because when I lef the house I wasn't walking 3.6 miles per hour -- much less trying to jog a bit. About mid-way through my workout I realized that my thighs were rubbing together so much that I was sustaining the equivalent of a fairly significant rug burn. And that was mid-way through. I pushed through and managed to finish my workout, but I spent the rest of the day walking like I had been horseback riding for a bit too long.
Big motivation -- get thighs small enough to never have to deal with this again!
Then come back to today and the challenge at Mt. Trashmore. On our interval, the wanted us to run (ha!) up the hill and then come back down... backwards! I was already slightly mortified in previous intervals when the other people in my group were lapping me, but this was so much more mortifying... I couldn't run, I could barely walk. At one point I joked I needed a walker! And then coming down backwards? One of the trainers helped me most of the way down and the second time -- I didn't even go all the way to the top (I got a hall pass in the interest of keeping things moving apparently) and even then as I was backing down people who had been to the top were lapping me coming back down. I really wanted to die of shame.
Big motivation #2 -- get in shape enough to keep up with the pack!
Which of course the work that goes into #1 will help with #2.
As you know, I constantly struggle with this delicate balancing act of forgiving myself for not being able to do more and still pushing to move forward. I still don't know when I'm just stopping because I'm lazy or because I really should be stopping. And how can anyone know that? I can't find the exact post, but Ms. Bitchcakes once said that your brain is going to want to quit long before your body needs to. (For anyone who doesn't know this, this woman was one of the biggest motivators in my deciding to blog about my weight loss journey. She has the awesomest, shiniest blog like ever!) And that's the thing -- the biggest motivator -- I would LOVE to be the maniac. Like one of the trainers this morning who was so go, go, go that we all wanted to simultaneously kill her and BE her at the same time. It's a twisted thing. But that's not something I can expect to happen overnight. And it's not something that's going to happen without tons of work.
And I'm not there yet. I'm still working on becoming the me I want to be. But look how far I've already come, right??
I can work out for 30-40 minutes at a time without puking. By their scales, (which is another post) I have lost 13 pounds. I'm getting up most mornings and working out before I go to work. I'm eating better than I ever have in my life. I've gone from drinking most nights to confining my wino-ism to the weekends -- and then mostly just Saturday. My jeans fit out of the dryer.
And that's only a couple of months into my transformation. Aren't you excited to see what the year is going to bring??
Have a great weekend!
Hugs,
Heather
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Backslide...?
Last post was written after I'd already been indulging at the wedding a scosh. Although the time stamp seems off...
Anyways... It would seem that this week is representing a bit of a backslide for me. I'm trying to get my traction and dig in and push past it, but it's been really hard.
First, last week I "only" lost a pound. And yes, I know losing a pound is better than gaining, but it's still challenging. I am not unconditionally under 220 yet because of the overindulgences. More on this in a second.
Second, my backslide seems to have carried its evil way into my cardio. I was really starting to get a momentum going. Last week, I worked out every day and did 40 minutes on the treadmill for 3 days and 30 minutes on the elliptical the other days. It was a little rough, but I pushed through it. This week, I feel like I'm starting all over with my battle with the dreadmill. I can't go for more than 15 minutes without my calves tightening to the point of difficulty walking. When this was happening last week, I either slowed down significantly or stopped and stretched out and I was able to get past it. But I haven't been able to stretch past it so far this week. And there's that 5k looming over me.
So now, even though it's only been a couple of days, I'm starting to dread going to work out. Because I can't help but think, what if I never get past this? What if this always hurts and I'm just this wimp forever? And I get harder and harder on myself and it contributes to this downward spiral that doesn't lead to anywhere good.
It's still part of that emotional thing. I think I should be able to do this. In fact, my girlfriend and I went walking on Sunday and I had to slow her down significantly. She said, "I thought you'd be zooming past me with all this time you're spending at the gym." Nope, I'm just going to the gym so I can get to the point of zooming past you.
I think that part of the build up is the 5k looming. If it weren't coming, I wouldn't sweat not being able to walk on the treadmill. I'd just keep trying to do it until I could do it and work out on the elliptical and the bike in between. But because I know I'm just days away from doing this 5k, I'm freaking out. What if I can't do it? What if I can't finish?
What if I'm just same old disappointing Heather again?
It's a tough battle. It gets lonely.
And I am sure that this is part of the overindulgences. It's easy to give in and not fight temptation. It's easy to sabotage myself. That's my wheelhouse, right?
I know that I need to start keeping some motivational sticky notes and pictures on my mirror or something but I'm not even sure if that would work.
I think I may be getting some kind of mental cold. This happens sometimes, it's like the sniffles in my brain. A mild form of the blues. I keep waiting for the exercise endorphins to kick in and make me feel like I can cure cancer, but so far they haven't been kicking in.
I don't want to give up. I'm not going to give up. But I am really frustrated with my body right now and I just need to figure out how to get it to behave. That's all.
Anyways... It would seem that this week is representing a bit of a backslide for me. I'm trying to get my traction and dig in and push past it, but it's been really hard.
First, last week I "only" lost a pound. And yes, I know losing a pound is better than gaining, but it's still challenging. I am not unconditionally under 220 yet because of the overindulgences. More on this in a second.
Second, my backslide seems to have carried its evil way into my cardio. I was really starting to get a momentum going. Last week, I worked out every day and did 40 minutes on the treadmill for 3 days and 30 minutes on the elliptical the other days. It was a little rough, but I pushed through it. This week, I feel like I'm starting all over with my battle with the dreadmill. I can't go for more than 15 minutes without my calves tightening to the point of difficulty walking. When this was happening last week, I either slowed down significantly or stopped and stretched out and I was able to get past it. But I haven't been able to stretch past it so far this week. And there's that 5k looming over me.
So now, even though it's only been a couple of days, I'm starting to dread going to work out. Because I can't help but think, what if I never get past this? What if this always hurts and I'm just this wimp forever? And I get harder and harder on myself and it contributes to this downward spiral that doesn't lead to anywhere good.
It's still part of that emotional thing. I think I should be able to do this. In fact, my girlfriend and I went walking on Sunday and I had to slow her down significantly. She said, "I thought you'd be zooming past me with all this time you're spending at the gym." Nope, I'm just going to the gym so I can get to the point of zooming past you.
I think that part of the build up is the 5k looming. If it weren't coming, I wouldn't sweat not being able to walk on the treadmill. I'd just keep trying to do it until I could do it and work out on the elliptical and the bike in between. But because I know I'm just days away from doing this 5k, I'm freaking out. What if I can't do it? What if I can't finish?
What if I'm just same old disappointing Heather again?
It's a tough battle. It gets lonely.
And I am sure that this is part of the overindulgences. It's easy to give in and not fight temptation. It's easy to sabotage myself. That's my wheelhouse, right?
I know that I need to start keeping some motivational sticky notes and pictures on my mirror or something but I'm not even sure if that would work.
I think I may be getting some kind of mental cold. This happens sometimes, it's like the sniffles in my brain. A mild form of the blues. I keep waiting for the exercise endorphins to kick in and make me feel like I can cure cancer, but so far they haven't been kicking in.
I don't want to give up. I'm not going to give up. But I am really frustrated with my body right now and I just need to figure out how to get it to behave. That's all.
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