Backslide...?

Last post was written after I'd already been indulging at the wedding a scosh. Although the time stamp seems off...

Anyways... It would seem that this week is representing a bit of a backslide for me. I'm trying to get my traction and dig in and push past it, but it's been really hard.

First, last week I "only" lost a pound. And yes, I know losing a pound is better than gaining, but it's still challenging. I am not unconditionally under 220 yet because of the overindulgences. More on this in a second.

Second, my backslide seems to have carried its evil way into my cardio. I was really starting to get a momentum going. Last week, I worked out every day and did 40 minutes on the treadmill for 3 days and 30 minutes on the elliptical the other days. It was a little rough, but I pushed through it. This week, I feel like I'm starting all over with my battle with the dreadmill. I can't go for more than 15 minutes without my calves tightening to the point of difficulty walking. When this was happening last week, I either slowed down significantly or stopped and stretched out and I was able to get past it. But I haven't been able to stretch past it so far this week. And there's that 5k looming over me.

So now, even though it's only been a couple of days, I'm starting to dread going to work out. Because I can't help but think, what if I never get past this? What if this always hurts and I'm just this wimp forever? And I get harder and harder on myself and it contributes to this downward spiral that doesn't lead to anywhere good.

It's still part of that emotional thing. I think I should be able to do this. In fact, my girlfriend and I went walking on Sunday and I had to slow her down significantly. She said, "I thought you'd be zooming past me with all this time you're spending at the gym." Nope, I'm just going to the gym so I can get to the point of zooming past you.

I think that part of the build up is the 5k looming. If it weren't coming, I wouldn't sweat not being able to walk on the treadmill. I'd just keep trying to do it until I could do it and work out on the elliptical and the bike in between. But because I know I'm just days away from doing this 5k, I'm freaking out. What if I can't do it? What if I can't finish?

What if I'm just same old disappointing Heather again?

It's a tough battle. It gets lonely.

And I am sure that this is part of the overindulgences. It's easy to give in and not fight temptation. It's easy to sabotage myself. That's my wheelhouse, right?

I know that I need to start keeping some motivational sticky notes and pictures on my mirror or something but I'm not even sure if that would work.

I think I may be getting some kind of mental cold. This happens sometimes, it's like the sniffles in my brain. A mild form of the blues. I keep waiting for the exercise endorphins to kick in and make me feel like I can cure cancer, but so far they haven't been kicking in.

I don't want to give up. I'm not going to give up. But I am really frustrated with my body right now and I just need to figure out how to get it to behave. That's all.