I'm not sure if I've ever really addressed this, but since it's come up a couple of times this weekend in various forms I thought it might be a good time to write about it.
The F word. Yes, the one that's really considered dirty -- fat.
At book club on Friday night, one of the ladies asked me why I call my blog Inside Heather's Fat instead of something "more positive" (I'm paraphrasing) like Heather's Getting Fit or something. The truest answer overall is because of my original blog, which was titled Inside Heather's Head. I was just trying to spin off of that.
But that's not really all there is to it. The word fat and fatness in general means something in our society. You don't just throw the word out there, anymore than you would a racial epithet. Or would you? Because in fact we do. We call ourselves fat, we call other people fat and if we don't say the word we certainly all but imply it.
Prior to my first serious attempt at Weight Watchers (see the history of this fat), I had a co-worker as me if I were pregnant. But the best part was when I said no, she asked me if I was sure. Like I would be THAT pregnant and not know it? I had to gently explain that no, I was just fat. As hard as that was, it wasn't even the first time in my adult life someone had asked me if I was pregnant, so at least I had lived through the experience once before.
But this Saturday, the young check-out girl at the Harris Teeter just put it all on the table. She asked me if I thought I was fat.
I am not making this up. She was very young and luckily I also have a hearing problem, so I didn't understand what she said at first. Which actually made the situation a bit worse. What happened was that we were bringing our stuff to check out. Scott had to go get something so it was just me and Teenie Bop. She starts going on and on about how great I look in the color I have on. She says that her mom is about my size and then she holds her hands kind of far about in a fat but curvy kind of way. NOT flattering. Then she starts s l o w l y checking out my purchases and still going on and on with what I think she truly believes is flattery. She's trying to explain how she thinks her mom would look great and the fact that I'm basically this fat person (she has not dropped the f*bomb yet, but it's coming) and willing to be out in public putting it out there is proof. (I had on an orange v-neck shirt and a pair of white shorts, this is not ground-breaking fat fashion here.) She then asks me if I think I'm fat? I can't hear what she says. She is getting embarrassed and doesn't want to repeat what she says. She's giggling and saying "oh, this is too personal." But then eventually asks me the question again. Well, I still can't quite hear it and give up and just say yes to whatever she's asking.
That's when I realized, based on whatever she's babbling about now that she asked me if I think I'm fat and I answered yes.
I really would have been more mortified if I didn't have the moral superiority that poor dingbat would be a cashier for the rest of her life.
It didn't cause me to spiral into depression. But it certainly made me think about the F word a lot. The usage of it and especially the usage of it as it applies to me. And that's the real reason behind why I keep the Fat in my blog title. I know who I am and I know where I came from. I could get down to the bottom of my target weight range but I will always be a fat girl. Because I have to know that. I have to know that it's possible for me to go back to the same mental traps that got me to be a fat girl on the outside. Because if I deny that part of myself, then it's just as easy to go back. It's no different than alcoholism -- I can't forget that I have problem ever. Every day, every step is a choice to go in a different direction.
But at the end of the day, in the ironic spirit of my nod to AA -- my name is Heather and I am a fat girl.
hugs,
Heather
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Retro-introspective
The thing is that I understand so much more why people proselytize about exercise now. I just feel so good about myself and the things that I have already made my body accomplish. Scott and I were just talking about how much more energy we have. And how the periods of soreness lessen all the time. And how when someone says there's this 5k, we're ready to go. And how I want to be able to get to the point of being able to run the whole 5k.
Two different people told me yesterday that they thought the fact that I am blogging is inspirational. They told me this for two different reasons. I doubt that they understood (until now when they can read it on the WWW) just how much that means to me. Because I started doing this because my friend "kiosk" pointed me in the direction of some weight loss blogs that SHE loved... I was already heading towards the mindset of making changes in my life, and these blogs just really helped me get there. And I just think if I can change even one person's life and have them choose him or herself FIRST because of something that I have said or done, well -- that's pretty kick ass, isn't it? That's a reason to keep writing.
And I said early on, I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become. I'm not holding myself back anymore by ideas of who I am or what I'm supposed to be able to do. I decided that it was "my time," as they say. I still backslide physically, emotionally, nutritionally, etc. But, on December 31st I was a couch potato, and yesterday I completed a 5k. So, who is to say that it can't be done?
But, I know from my own experience that I'm the only person who could talk me into feeling this way -- that's the thing about proseltyzing. You really do have to preach to the choir, because people aren't ready to do their thing. I sincerely try to be mindful of that, because I was SO there. I can't do this, or I can't do that I would think. I wasn't ready. Maybe you're not ready either. But, if there is even a dram of inspiration in here for you, then I will try to keep those drams coming until your cup is ready and you are ready to take a big swig of the life that is going to be waiting for you. I still can't do all kinds of things -- the difference is that now I know that I can't do them YET. :)
Big hugs!
Heather
Two different people told me yesterday that they thought the fact that I am blogging is inspirational. They told me this for two different reasons. I doubt that they understood (until now when they can read it on the WWW) just how much that means to me. Because I started doing this because my friend "kiosk" pointed me in the direction of some weight loss blogs that SHE loved... I was already heading towards the mindset of making changes in my life, and these blogs just really helped me get there. And I just think if I can change even one person's life and have them choose him or herself FIRST because of something that I have said or done, well -- that's pretty kick ass, isn't it? That's a reason to keep writing.
And I said early on, I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become. I'm not holding myself back anymore by ideas of who I am or what I'm supposed to be able to do. I decided that it was "my time," as they say. I still backslide physically, emotionally, nutritionally, etc. But, on December 31st I was a couch potato, and yesterday I completed a 5k. So, who is to say that it can't be done?
But, I know from my own experience that I'm the only person who could talk me into feeling this way -- that's the thing about proseltyzing. You really do have to preach to the choir, because people aren't ready to do their thing. I sincerely try to be mindful of that, because I was SO there. I can't do this, or I can't do that I would think. I wasn't ready. Maybe you're not ready either. But, if there is even a dram of inspiration in here for you, then I will try to keep those drams coming until your cup is ready and you are ready to take a big swig of the life that is going to be waiting for you. I still can't do all kinds of things -- the difference is that now I know that I can't do them YET. :)
Big hugs!
Heather
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The History of this Fat
So, I kind of think that all fat people have the story of where their fat came from. One single event that kind of spiraled into "here I am, stuck in an airplane seat."
I don't know that mine was a cataclysmic event, but I thought I'd give you a brief history of me that talks about my weight...
I was sort of a chunky kid, not crazy overweight but I had some rolls. Then the summer after 9th grade, my mom and I went on the Richard Simmons' Deal a Meal diet. Remember that one? With the cards? I think I lost 15 lbs which was probably about what I needed to look like other folks. I remember that I always thought I was fat in high school, and for some reason no one could ever convince me that I was not. Maybe it was just that I was a teenager, maybe there was some other reason. Who knows? But the only thing fat about me in school was my big permed hair.
After I graduated, I met the ding-dong who would unfortunately eventually become my (starter) husband. That's a blog for another time, but suffice it to say that he was not great. For a big chunk of our pre-marriage years we lived with his family in a trailer and the family was very large. I stayed rather tiny and was out of high school, so I knew it. When we got married in October of 1994, I know that I was a size 8 because that was the size of my wedding dress and all of my clothes. Right after we got married, we moved to South Dakota and by Christmas my misery had pushed me up 3 sizes to a 14. I cannot tell you exactly what happened in those 3 months that caused such a dramatic change. And the only reason I know that it happened in that short of a time-frame is because he bought me clothes for Christmas and I was SO offended when they were size 14 and then I think they barely fit. It was not a good time, but I really never did much to change it. I know I was unhappy about it, but I was so unhappy with my life in general at that point that my weight just seemed to be a way to manifest that.
Eventually, that crappy relationship ended. I stayed in South Dakota on my own for about a year after it ended. I know I joined a gym during that time, because I have a strong memory of going to the gym one morning before work and when I came out it had been snowing the whole time I was there. I don't really remember working out all that much. In fact, this was when Tae Bo was all the rage and I tried to go to a class and I think I made it for 5 minutes and walked out. Embarrassing! It colored my ability to join an exercise class ever since.
I moved back to Virginia Beach where I still live in 1999. I'm not sure what size I was. I know I was overweight, but nowhere near where I am now and have been in the past. I haven't been much for scales for most of my life. (Except when I weighed in the 120's -- then I was ALLL about it! One memorable journal entry from my youth involved my mood elevating because I had weighed myself and I was 123.) I was getting action somewhat frequently, so I couldn't have been TOO horrible looking -- but those interactions were highly fraught with insecurity, so who knows?
In the summer of 2000, I had a schwanoma tumor in my chest that I had removed. I was in the hospital for a week. An unexpected benefit from this was that I dropped a fair amount of weight with no effort. I was down to a size 12 with an occasional 10 -- my ultimate size goal. (There's always tons of 10's in the stores and they're always on sale because of the overstock. Plus, it always feels attainable.) Around this time I dated (my husband now) Scott for the first time. Scott was a very big guy and all of his friends were big guys. I LOVED it! Really, every time we went out it made me feel like a movie star surrounded by her bodyguards -- the WWF!
The first time around was very short, just 3 or 4 months and then when it ended I took it really hard. Eventually I met someone else and we dated for about a year. I don't recall many ups and downs in my weight then, so I must have been at a somewhat constant state. Maybe size 12's and 14's.
After that ended, I played around a lot and partied a LOT. I was living on my own again and not eating healthy at all. My refrigerator was mostly beer and salsa.
Scott and I got back together. We clicked and this time it was a definite keeper. Our lifestyle became more and more stay-at-home comfy time. Many beverages and late-night snacks were consumed. I gradually started ballooning. When we got married in 2004, I believe my wedding dress was at least a 14 and may have been a 16. It wasn't long after that I got up to 18.
Then the mental preparations began to "do something." There was talks of joining the gym and maybe even a half-hearted attempt was made. Finally I got sick of being sick about it and I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know the exact date but I know that it was 2005. One of my coworkers asked me to join with her. It was nice having a partner to help, but 2 weeks into it she learned she was pregnant. So, I was on my own. I went with different people from time to time and made a couple of good acquaintances through the meetings, but mostly I was loner. But I really liked it. I got a lot out of the meetings and the program worked for me. I got inspired and started using the gym at my work. Just for work-outs during the day. This was probably the best I ever did at a weight loss program. I realize now that it was because it was my first serious attempt.
I lost 50 pounds. It took me about a year, but I didn't put it on in a day so I never expected - then - to take it off quickly.
I really felt great. I loved shopping. I was doing my work-outs during the day, so really feeling like I was making changes that were part of my life that I could live with and maintain. I felt like I was doing things that were a bit outside of the box but again -- things I could live with.
So. What changed? How did I get here and get fat again?
Well, a lot of things, just like most people.
I had lost the 50 lbs in 2006. That was the year that we bought our house and that was the year I decided to go back to school and earn my Bachelor's. I tried to stay in Weight Watchers, but being a natural homebody it became harder and harder to take another night away from home so eventually I stopped going. Gradually, my bad eating habits started slipping their way back into my life because I wasn't accountable. Between sitting all day at work and then sitting a couple nights a week in school, I was doing way more sitting than I was working out. But, I continued to work out during the day.
Then, gradually, I stopped working out during the day. It was little things that cut that back. Too much work to do, too little caring about it. I don't know. Between 2006-2008, I managed to maintain most of the weight loss that I had achieved. I may have gained 10 lbs back, but I don't think it was more than that. Somewhere during that time-frame, I believe I joined WW again at an at work program. I never really dedicated myself to it much, but I think I did manage to lose 5 lbs. There wasn't much interest in the work place in the program, though there was a need, and it eventually died.
Also in that time-frame, I was officially diagnosed with neurofibromatosis 2. This sounds much worse than it actually has turned out to be. It's a benign tumor disorder, with the very unfortunate side effect of having tumors grow on both of your hearing nerves. My mom has this condition and there's just no way to describe the condition she's in but it ain't pretty. It was a hard blow. Scott and I dealt with this problem by drinking. A lot. It didn't change the problem, but definitely had the benefit of making us care a LOT less. :)
In late 2008 I changed jobs within the company to a different department. I liked my new job but it was much more challenging than my old job, and I found myself working through my breaks and lunches. In early 2009, the company announced a major change -- half of the jobs in my building were being "consolidated." The department that I had just left, where all of my support was, would not longer be there. It was a very, very stressful time. The department that wasn't losing their jobs was the subject of a lot of negativity from the department that got consolidated. It was a very uncertain time and the process took an agonizing long time -- almost 9 months before it was fully finalized.
The gym at my work used to be staffed with one of the most motivating personal trainers I had ever known. She pushed you and motivated you and never judged. She was one of the people who was going to be consolidated out of her job. I had lost any interest in going to the gym. It was just too depressing to know that she would be gone, plus with my own job change I just didn't make the time during the day.
And I started drinking lots more. We became friends with our neighbors, so we always had a reason to drink at home. We discovered lots of cheap wines and drank them all. And the drinking led to a lot of late-night snacking and the twisted circle goes on.
In past weight loss attempts, I go through a justification/rationalization/something process of trying to be okay with the fat. Trying to just live with it and be the pretty fat girl. There's a part of me that still wants that.
But there's another part that is just tired of being sick of it. Tired of being jealous of people. Tired of feeling out of place in the world. Of feeling too big for the world...
Anyays, that was a history lesson and I digressed.
So, that was my journey. I really think 2010 was the kicker in the fat war. My job was very stressful for most of the year and consequently led to bad decisions time and time again.
So, here I am -- working on it.
And telling you what that's like -- or what it's like for me anyways.
So, that's all. I'll get back to regular type posting from here on and try to keep the history for people who want to talk about more than just my butt.
I don't know that mine was a cataclysmic event, but I thought I'd give you a brief history of me that talks about my weight...
I was sort of a chunky kid, not crazy overweight but I had some rolls. Then the summer after 9th grade, my mom and I went on the Richard Simmons' Deal a Meal diet. Remember that one? With the cards? I think I lost 15 lbs which was probably about what I needed to look like other folks. I remember that I always thought I was fat in high school, and for some reason no one could ever convince me that I was not. Maybe it was just that I was a teenager, maybe there was some other reason. Who knows? But the only thing fat about me in school was my big permed hair.
After I graduated, I met the ding-dong who would unfortunately eventually become my (starter) husband. That's a blog for another time, but suffice it to say that he was not great. For a big chunk of our pre-marriage years we lived with his family in a trailer and the family was very large. I stayed rather tiny and was out of high school, so I knew it. When we got married in October of 1994, I know that I was a size 8 because that was the size of my wedding dress and all of my clothes. Right after we got married, we moved to South Dakota and by Christmas my misery had pushed me up 3 sizes to a 14. I cannot tell you exactly what happened in those 3 months that caused such a dramatic change. And the only reason I know that it happened in that short of a time-frame is because he bought me clothes for Christmas and I was SO offended when they were size 14 and then I think they barely fit. It was not a good time, but I really never did much to change it. I know I was unhappy about it, but I was so unhappy with my life in general at that point that my weight just seemed to be a way to manifest that.
Eventually, that crappy relationship ended. I stayed in South Dakota on my own for about a year after it ended. I know I joined a gym during that time, because I have a strong memory of going to the gym one morning before work and when I came out it had been snowing the whole time I was there. I don't really remember working out all that much. In fact, this was when Tae Bo was all the rage and I tried to go to a class and I think I made it for 5 minutes and walked out. Embarrassing! It colored my ability to join an exercise class ever since.
I moved back to Virginia Beach where I still live in 1999. I'm not sure what size I was. I know I was overweight, but nowhere near where I am now and have been in the past. I haven't been much for scales for most of my life. (Except when I weighed in the 120's -- then I was ALLL about it! One memorable journal entry from my youth involved my mood elevating because I had weighed myself and I was 123.) I was getting action somewhat frequently, so I couldn't have been TOO horrible looking -- but those interactions were highly fraught with insecurity, so who knows?
In the summer of 2000, I had a schwanoma tumor in my chest that I had removed. I was in the hospital for a week. An unexpected benefit from this was that I dropped a fair amount of weight with no effort. I was down to a size 12 with an occasional 10 -- my ultimate size goal. (There's always tons of 10's in the stores and they're always on sale because of the overstock. Plus, it always feels attainable.) Around this time I dated (my husband now) Scott for the first time. Scott was a very big guy and all of his friends were big guys. I LOVED it! Really, every time we went out it made me feel like a movie star surrounded by her bodyguards -- the WWF!
The first time around was very short, just 3 or 4 months and then when it ended I took it really hard. Eventually I met someone else and we dated for about a year. I don't recall many ups and downs in my weight then, so I must have been at a somewhat constant state. Maybe size 12's and 14's.
After that ended, I played around a lot and partied a LOT. I was living on my own again and not eating healthy at all. My refrigerator was mostly beer and salsa.
Scott and I got back together. We clicked and this time it was a definite keeper. Our lifestyle became more and more stay-at-home comfy time. Many beverages and late-night snacks were consumed. I gradually started ballooning. When we got married in 2004, I believe my wedding dress was at least a 14 and may have been a 16. It wasn't long after that I got up to 18.
Then the mental preparations began to "do something." There was talks of joining the gym and maybe even a half-hearted attempt was made. Finally I got sick of being sick about it and I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know the exact date but I know that it was 2005. One of my coworkers asked me to join with her. It was nice having a partner to help, but 2 weeks into it she learned she was pregnant. So, I was on my own. I went with different people from time to time and made a couple of good acquaintances through the meetings, but mostly I was loner. But I really liked it. I got a lot out of the meetings and the program worked for me. I got inspired and started using the gym at my work. Just for work-outs during the day. This was probably the best I ever did at a weight loss program. I realize now that it was because it was my first serious attempt.
I lost 50 pounds. It took me about a year, but I didn't put it on in a day so I never expected - then - to take it off quickly.
I really felt great. I loved shopping. I was doing my work-outs during the day, so really feeling like I was making changes that were part of my life that I could live with and maintain. I felt like I was doing things that were a bit outside of the box but again -- things I could live with.
So. What changed? How did I get here and get fat again?
Well, a lot of things, just like most people.
I had lost the 50 lbs in 2006. That was the year that we bought our house and that was the year I decided to go back to school and earn my Bachelor's. I tried to stay in Weight Watchers, but being a natural homebody it became harder and harder to take another night away from home so eventually I stopped going. Gradually, my bad eating habits started slipping their way back into my life because I wasn't accountable. Between sitting all day at work and then sitting a couple nights a week in school, I was doing way more sitting than I was working out. But, I continued to work out during the day.
Then, gradually, I stopped working out during the day. It was little things that cut that back. Too much work to do, too little caring about it. I don't know. Between 2006-2008, I managed to maintain most of the weight loss that I had achieved. I may have gained 10 lbs back, but I don't think it was more than that. Somewhere during that time-frame, I believe I joined WW again at an at work program. I never really dedicated myself to it much, but I think I did manage to lose 5 lbs. There wasn't much interest in the work place in the program, though there was a need, and it eventually died.
Also in that time-frame, I was officially diagnosed with neurofibromatosis 2. This sounds much worse than it actually has turned out to be. It's a benign tumor disorder, with the very unfortunate side effect of having tumors grow on both of your hearing nerves. My mom has this condition and there's just no way to describe the condition she's in but it ain't pretty. It was a hard blow. Scott and I dealt with this problem by drinking. A lot. It didn't change the problem, but definitely had the benefit of making us care a LOT less. :)
In late 2008 I changed jobs within the company to a different department. I liked my new job but it was much more challenging than my old job, and I found myself working through my breaks and lunches. In early 2009, the company announced a major change -- half of the jobs in my building were being "consolidated." The department that I had just left, where all of my support was, would not longer be there. It was a very, very stressful time. The department that wasn't losing their jobs was the subject of a lot of negativity from the department that got consolidated. It was a very uncertain time and the process took an agonizing long time -- almost 9 months before it was fully finalized.
The gym at my work used to be staffed with one of the most motivating personal trainers I had ever known. She pushed you and motivated you and never judged. She was one of the people who was going to be consolidated out of her job. I had lost any interest in going to the gym. It was just too depressing to know that she would be gone, plus with my own job change I just didn't make the time during the day.
And I started drinking lots more. We became friends with our neighbors, so we always had a reason to drink at home. We discovered lots of cheap wines and drank them all. And the drinking led to a lot of late-night snacking and the twisted circle goes on.
In past weight loss attempts, I go through a justification/rationalization/something process of trying to be okay with the fat. Trying to just live with it and be the pretty fat girl. There's a part of me that still wants that.
But there's another part that is just tired of being sick of it. Tired of being jealous of people. Tired of feeling out of place in the world. Of feeling too big for the world...
Anyays, that was a history lesson and I digressed.
So, that was my journey. I really think 2010 was the kicker in the fat war. My job was very stressful for most of the year and consequently led to bad decisions time and time again.
So, here I am -- working on it.
And telling you what that's like -- or what it's like for me anyways.
So, that's all. I'll get back to regular type posting from here on and try to keep the history for people who want to talk about more than just my butt.
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