APA

And because I know you like photos of my cheesy face. On good old rec island.

Still feeling "some kind of way"

I think the TMI portion is that I'm PMS'ing (and using too many initials).  I really do have that blah, I don't care about anything feeling that I used to "cure" with overindulgence.  One of the only things keeping me from going down the drain is that I keep coming here and talking to you about it.

But the fact is that I know me.  I'm on the verge of a full-bore blown out overindulgence.  I've been teasing it with some festivities over the last couple of weekends, but I've been managing to pull back and rein in.  Not enough to get back on a losing track, but at least enough to maintain.  And when I'm feeling this kind of way?  Maintaining is like losing.  It doesn't feel like it when I get on the scale at WW and get my little sticker with either no loss or, this week's case, a tiny gain.  But in the back of my head, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I know that I should be grateful that I'm maintaining.

I should be, but I'm not.  I'm mad at myself for slacking.  Just not mad enough to knuckle down and do the work.

Yet.

Here's my plan...  Planned overindulgence.  If I don't leave for CAT deployment -- which is starting to look like a possibility -- then I will be heading to an awesome party at my neighbor's house this weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It's going to be legendary and a great place to really revel in an overindulgence blow-out.  There's going to be an amazing amount of food and beverages.  I'm going to get a work out in before the party so I'll be feeling primed and then it's on.  No holds barred.  No tracking, no fretting just pure overindulgence.  Like a rock star.

Sunday will be recovery.  For obvious reasons, I'm making no real plan.  BUT if I had a plan?  It would NOT include beating myself up for the experience, because I'm going into it willingly.  And then Monday, it's getting back on plan and staying there.

This will mean tracking regularly and more faithfully.  Making sure that I get in at least 2 APs a day.  And planning better than I have been so far.  I've been lucky so far because I'm winging it a lot, but now I'm really fully in the "old weight."  (That's a topic for another blog, I think.)  It's going to be even harder from here and it's not gonna happen until I fully get over this hump.

Ugh.  Such a series of downer posts these last few times.  Hopefully I'm going to turn this corner soon and I'll have some triumphant stuff to post again soon.

Wait again?  Well, whatever.  You know what I mean.  :)

hugs,

Heather

Rambling about inspiration

I've had an addiction to weight loss shows for a long time.  I don't watch them often, mostly because they irritate my husband.  It might be because I frequently cry at some point during the shows.  So much so that when I cry during other shows, he'll ask why I'm crying since no one had lost weight...

Ha ha.

But, it's inspiring watching someone lose a crap ton of a weight in hour long segments.  Hearing about all the things that went into gaining the weight and watching the struggles to lose.  Seeing someone find and lose and find and lose motivation over and over again.  It's inspiring because I relate to those highs and lows.  I have them in myself on a daily, weekly -- hell hourly basis.

This week I'm in a holding pattern, as I mentioned in my last post.  On call to deploy down south for Catastrophe duty, and I'm feeling some kind of way.  Here's a post from last year just 13 days in...  I'm in limbo and because of that, I'm a bit frazzled and bored.  And boredom always leads me to overeat.  Add to this I've been feeling like I'm starting to get a cold and it's that time of the month and well...  I'm in a bad place.

So, I watched a weight loss show to get inspired again.  And I'm telling you.  Because these of some of the formulas I have to turn myself around.  I went to a WW meeting today because I thought I might be leaving tomorrow (I'm not).  I made sure to get to the gym this morning and ran/walked for 30 minutes.  I'm still getting trying to prepare for the 5k -- in fact, here's a link to my Race for the Cure page.  I have a very modest pledge goal of $125, so even if you can only donate a few dollars I would be much obliged!

Maybe I'm not getting where I want to be as fast as I'd like.  Maybe I DO sabotage myself.  But, I think knowing that these are problems and taking steps to try to nip them in the bud and not spiral out of control are what's going to help me.

And continuing to talk to you.  So, thanks for reading!

hugs,

Heather

APA

My last workout pre-CAT deployment??

Group exercise and CAT duty departure

Group exercise is something that I have long had mixed feelings about.  It's just so hard when you have no rhythm keeping up with a group staying in time.  It's the reason I don't do group dances like the macarena or the durned wobble that is everywhere lately.  As I was talking to Scott about how much I've been enjoying the aerobic kickboxing class, he made a comparable statement about the classes.  "I was in a groove on my own. And no one wants that."

Exactly.  But, I finally got to the point where I decided that even though I look and feel quite a bit foolish, the foolishness does not in face take away from the exercise.  I'm still getting a work-out, and increasing the work out of my fellow classmates from the laughter.  :)

Anyways, I started posting that a while back.  What's on my mind now is my pending departure for CAT duty.  Last time I was away, I did pretty well with my weight loss journey.  I maintained the 20 lb loss I had prior and even managed to lose 5 more pounds.  It's when I got back that I fell off track.  I was out of sorts from being gone and wanting to celebrate my return.  That celebration was later dubbed the Summer of Love Handles and it took me some time to get back on track and feel motivated again.   I'm writing this as I take a brief break from packing.  I'm feeling anxious about my progress.  My commitment to myself is to focus on maintaining only.  12 hour work days are going to make it challenging to want to exercise and to stay on track with my diet.  Wish me luck and I'll try to stay in touch while I'm gone!

hugs,
Heather

The Mental Part

One of the reasons that I enjoy Ms. Bitchcake's blog so much, besides the gorgeous pictures of New York is that she will frequently write about what goes through her head during her various work-outs.  Especially in the last few years when she's been super-active.  (If you're looking for inspiration on your  own journey, I really recommend reading her early posts.  While she is very awesome now, it's not the same since she's already reached goal and not losing anymore.)  Anyways, I think about this all the time -- mostly because I have so many varied thoughts during my own workouts.  Frequently involving how I don't want to do them.

And I started trying to write this last night and got distracted...  Which actually worked out, because tonight's Weight Watcher's meeting topic was, in part, about the mental part.  We talked about habits and how long it takes to create them (66 days, studies have shown and here's your link if you'd like to read that) and then how long it can take to break them.  (My quip was it depends on how good the cookies are...)  We talked about bad habits that we have broken or ones that we need to break.

I think about this a lot.  Sometimes while on the dreadmill, as I mentioned above.  I don't really feel wholly cured of many of my bad habits (see also: wino, strapping on tortilla chips like a feedbag), but I feel like I'm an evolving work.  Every chance I have to go one way or the other, when I go in a direction that feels "right" I feel like that's progress.  But these are small steps.  And while I recognize and give myself credit for these particular activity points -- I know that I have a long way to go.  I KNOW that I have not fully embraced a full lifestyle change.

I know this because I still like to party like a rock star.  One thing that's changing about that is that even when the things I am tracking are embarrassing - I am still tracking them or trying to.  And yes, I did track the shots I did on Saturday night thankyouverymuch.  Sometimes, I just overcount but I'm really trying to be diligent when it comes to this.  I'm trying to make the formation of a habit feel like the actual habit, but it's still tricky.  It's the hardest exercise I do -- the mental part.  So, as so often is the case, got the perfect quote from our awesome leader Sherrie tonight -- "Your body can do anything -- it's just your brain you have to convince."

I will keep this in my mental bag of tricks as I prep for the 5k in October and as I continue to work to be a natural Weight Watcher.

hugs,
Heather

Reflection leads to action

One of the things I regret the most about the time that I wasn't blogging regularly is that I like to go back and read past posts in order to gauge my progress.  This is one of the reasons I blog.  It's one of the reasons I decided to start posting a scale photo at the beginning of every month.  Since I wasn't blogging last summer during the Summer of Lovehandles, I don't have comparison with where I'm at now.

But, now as we are -- sadly -- winding down and summer and heading in to Fall, I am getting close to where I picked up writing again.  I picked up this gem from the end of September, which is mostly all reflective and gave us the mantra "today is just today."  But at the end, I write about a gym visit, and I stated that I did an under 16 minute mile.  Well, yesterday I did 3.27 miles on the old dreadmill and my pace was 14:14 minutes/mile.  AND that was mostly running!  This comparison to how far I've come and the fact that I ran almost the whole thing...  It all gave me the confidence to FINALLY sign up for another 5k!  

Oh my God!

It's for Susan G. Komen for the Cure and it's on October 13.  As soon as I figure out how, I'll try to set up a way if you'd like to donate on behalf of my fundraising.  Here's the link to the Susan G. Komen Tidewater homepage until I can figure something else out.

Holy crap, this means I will really need to get over my anxiousness about running outside.  I want to try to run the whole thing and my goal is to do it in 40 minutes or less.  I think this is a VERY reasonable, attainable goal given where I am right now and the fact that I have 2 months (almost) to train.

Excited, nervous, scared...  But, hey -- at least I've got something new to write about!  :)

hugs,

Heather

What are you looking at?

Are you familiar with body checking? As our helpful urban dictionary will let you know, it's when someone looks you up and down without even looking at your face.

Well, as you know, I was off work for a week and apparently when I got back it became noticeable that I was losing weight. I keep getting body checked whenever I walk through the office. It's weirdly flattering and just weird too. Several have commented that I'm losing and I don't know how to react. I'm trying to get better at just "thanks" but that feels weird.

I can't explain it, but I'm obviously going to try or I wouldn't have started this post... The gist of it is that it is a weird thing when people start noticing that you are losing weight. On the one hand, I'm losing weight so I can get in shape, be healthy and look better -- not necessarily in that order when my vanity is being honest. But, this comes with its own set of complications. For one, this implies that there was something "wrong" with the way I looked before. Thinking this way leads to real problems when I'm not being 100% successful with my weight loss, as you can imagine. And further, when people make comments like "you're looking a lot smaller, Heather"-- I am honestly not sure what exactly the correct response to that is. Again, I guess it's supposed to be "thanks" but I'm not really that kind of girl.  I think one of the last times I said something like, yeah thanks to Spanx!  And then there's the typical "woman on a diet in America" response which is "thanks but I got a ways to go" or something like that.  Like, I can't actually acknowledge the work I have done so far, because surely you can see that there is at least 40 more pounds of fat on my ass that need to go, right?  And if I -- God forbid -- accept your compliment, then maybe you won't know that I know that and...  Well, you see how this downward spiral goes, right?

And then here's the other hand...  Frequently, when people do comment on my weight loss or make observations about my eating habits, this then turns into their own weight loss journey.  Like I'm out to lunch with a friend and being all picky with my order and when she doesn't order something as "points friendly" (because she's not a weight watcher).  But then it's a "thing."  She's telling me about her plans for diet and exercise in the future.  It's strange, which I all but said -- but on the other hand (how many hands are we up to??), I KNOW this feeling.  When you're overweight and you're with someone who is actively trying to lose weight it makes you take a hard look at yourself.  Well, it made ME feel that way -- in fact, it always made me feel a little judged.  In retrospect, this is a bit crazy but this is me we're talking about.  I mean, I'm just trying to eat my triple bacon cheeseburger here, and I can't hear you over the salad you're pretending to enjoy.  Show off!  But, that's the thing -- when you are the person eating the salad while the other person is eating their burger, it's not a judgment thing.  For me, it vacillates between being a jealous thing or not being a thing at all.  Am I delighted to be eating my salad while you're eating half a cow?  Probably not.  I'm not at that phase of the journey, and I probably never will be.  I want what you're having and trust me -- I'm not judging you for having it.  And that's just the thing -- just because I'm doing my thing, you don't have to do my thing.  You don't have to think that I think you should do my thing.  It's MY thing.  

That doesn't mean that I don't think that you'll be happier if you lost a little weight and exercised a little more...  I DO think that, but that doesn't mean that I care or am judging you for not doing those things now.  I just want you to be happier.  So, if you see what I'm doing and it makes you want to lose a little weight or exercise a little more, why not go for it?

That's how it started for me.  Being inspired by other people and their progress.  Being ready to make that change in my own life.  

And when you want to get started?  You CAN talk to me about it -- I'm not going to lie, I really do love talking about the journey and the trials and exercise and Weight Watchers (oh, how I LOVE to talk about that) and all of it.  

Just don't body check me while you're doing it...  ;)

hugs,

Heather

The End of Staycation Rambling

When we last left our heroine, she had done 30 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday morning and rounded out the evening in bad-ass activity-ness by doing a 50 minute cardio kickboxing class.  And that was at the relative beginning of staycation...

What did the rest of the week hold?  What indeed!

As far as activity:  Wednesday I got a run in.  30 minutes on the dreadmill and hit 2.21 miles. Thursday there was minimal activity but LOTS of errand running -- why can't you get activity points for getting in and out of your car 1000 times?  Friday was spent at the beach and I counted a bit of activity points for the running back and forth to the water and just dancing around and loving life.  I think next summer instead of getting in shape so I can go to the beach, my plan is to work on getting in shape AT the beach. Lots of ways to get activity and it's out in the sun so that's even better!  Yesterday I got another run in on the dreadmill, and hit 2.20 miles.  I wasn't rocking it, to be sure, but I had so much pent up energy and what I lacked in the running part I made up in the inclines.  (My new thing is that when I don't want to run anymore, I jack the incline way up during the "rest" - so even if I'm going slow, I'm still getting a work out.)


As far as being on plan:  Well, it's been up and down.  I have been trying to track as much as possible.  But I've also been on staycation, so there's been a bit of partying going on, because you know -- I'm still me.  :)   My BFF and I fulfilled a lifelong dream of singing karaoke in Suffolk on Wednesday night and helped roll up the streets there.  Twice.  Crazy night and led to day of poor decisions fueled by exhaustion.  It started with an order malfunction at Starbucks and didn't improve much from there.  Scott and I went down to the Outer Banks on Thursday night.  While I didn't do well in the abstaining from drinking department, I did do very well in the snacking department -- ate grapes and cherries the whole night!  Friday we spent at the beach as long as the dust storms would allow -- it was a shorter trip than we would have liked.  But, it always is!  All in all, Friday wasn't great for being on plan, but Saturday it went totally downhill.  At least I got that run in.

And today?  The end of staycation?  Minimal activity, ate a large amount of potato chips which I DID track, but all of the wine I have had since dinner?  Not so much...

The problem is that I'm currently in this really dangerous point of my weight loss journey.  I feel GREAT!  I am so happy with how my body is looking and the things that I can do (more on this) and just feeling crammed full of endorphin.  I actually want to go work out.  Can you imagine?  And part of this is because of what I just was saying about things that I can do.

Like squatting.  Normal people probably don't think about squatting.  It's not a big deal to them.  But I've never been able to squat for any length of time and certainly couldn't do it without falling or holding on to someone.  But lately, I've been able to get into a squatting position and stay there for a period of time.  Without feeling like I'm going to die.

Anyways, it's a dangerous time.  I've blogged about this before.  When I feel this good, I feel indomitable.  And that makes me make poor decisions (more wine, please!) and also makes me think I look good in clothing I have no business wearing.  Shopping gets risky and iPhone self-portraits start taking over all my data usage.  I feel ridiculously sassy and really have to watch myself.

I need a sitter!

Hugs,
Heather

APA

Well I finally blew a day. I'm on staycation this week and yesterday was a total sloth day. I'm not going to lie, there is something appealingly decadent about still being in one's nightgown at 4pm. But today I got it done first thing - 30 minutes o the elliptical and I'm finishing the night with my 50 minute cardio kickboxing tonight.

I included the avg heart-rate shot because I held the arm thingies the whole time so I think it's pretty accurate.

Heather In Onederland

As you already know if you're a reader, I've been in the onederland for a while now.  I never had an official onederland post, but I've subsequently had the epiphany that this might be more indicative of a minor speed bump that I didn't even realize I was experiencing...

As I recently told you, my goal is to average a weight loss of about 5 lbs per month.  This puts me on track to be at my goal weight by my 40th birthday in May.  What I didn't tell you is that I haven't really been on that track thus far.  I just got to 195 on the WW books this week and it took me almost 2 months to get there.  That's because when I got to the onederland, I think there was a part of my brain that freaked out.  And was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I sabotaged myself a little here and a little there, but mostly I just wasn't taking it seriously.  Or maybe I was just too afraid to truly embrace that it was really starting finally.

Or maybe I needed to ease into the next phase.

Whatever "it" was, I'm over it.  I'm ready to go forward with this and get where I want to be.  I am in the onederland now.  I'm here.  I'm staying here.  I LIKE it here!

As for my APA today -- I did 30 minutes on my stepper and got a 20 minute walk in with the hubby and the d-o-g.  So, I'm staying on track with my activity.  And that is how I'm going to get to my goal!

:::gulp:::  And then what?!

Heather

APA

30 minutes battling the wet lawn. You'd think that would be worth more than 3 AP even with a power mower. :)

APA

(I'm going to abbreviate activity points accountability from now on because hello it takes forever to type out the whole thing.)

I was this close to skipping the whole thing and then I couldn't let myself. We were watching my favorite show (Suits) and during the last half hour I pulled out ye olde faithful stepper and got a 30 minute home made work out I'm! Won't Julia be proud?!

But then I had the glass of wine you see I the second photo. I was excited that it was "only" 7 PPV.

Activity Points Accountability

20 minute walk on Rec Island
Took this pre-hair fry.

Haters Gonna Hate

Tonight in our meeting, our fearless leader Sherrie talked about having a song that motivates you to stay focused during your journey. This really resonated with me. I'm sure you could guess since I've had so many prior posts about the music I listen to during my workouts. And when she said this my old mantra was the first thing to pop in my head. I downloaded at the first stoplight and immediately started feeling empowered.

My song? 32 Flavors. It's an Ani deFranco song but I prefer the version by Alana Davis because it's more up tempo. If you don't know the song, it's basic theme is "haters gonna hate.". I particularly like it because of the Phoenix reference - a symbol I identify with. (It's what my weird tattoo is supposed to be.)
Here's that line:
God help you if you are an ugly girl
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room
God help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past


I mean - isn't that what you face so often on your weight loss journey? Haters gonna hate. You've been doing the work to get where you wanna be and people will sabotage you and undercut every step of the way.

And this song is the anthem of look haters - I'm not building myself up by tearing YOU down, so how about returning the favor??

Thanks Sherrie for the suggestion!

What's YOUR anthem?

Activity Point Accountability

Another crispy hair day brought to you in the name of those darned activity points.
20 minutes outside on "Rec Island" at work

Monthly weight log

That's better than expected! Woot!