late night rambling

I was sitting up late, trying to video chat in vain with Tina. We couldn't get our technology right. But we were swapping stories about things we did to get active this week. And I realized that I really am heading in the right direction...

This week, I worked out on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. I made it 30 minutes on Sunday and Wednesday and Monday and Thursday I made it 20. I just didn't go today because I spent from 10:30 until 1 cleaning the devil out of my kitchen and living room. I'm tackling the bedroom tomorrow, but I do think that it was a bit of a work out. Especially washing the dogs.

And so, maybe the scale isn't going to reflect it because my eating habits still leave a lot to be desired. But, even though I'm getting ready to do this competition -- I have a lot of old sedentary me in me that I'm fighting with. So, I'm going to give myself kudos for doing as much as I did, and just keep trying to move forward.

I need to get the weights in, but the tutorial at the gym was so sucky and I'm a bit intimidated.

My next goal is to try to incorporate my poor underexcised dogs in this by taking them for a walk at least once a day. I would love to be able to get up in the morning and take them before work. What are some tips to motivate me to get up earlier? Let me know if you think of anything. I'd need to get up by 6:30 or earlier to be able to take them on a 30 minute walk before I go to work. It's a lot of prep. I'd have to have my shoes and my walking stuff ready, pop out of bed and then get them peed and in their leashes quickly. That's one of the things that intimidates me -- everything would have to fall into place just so.

So, that's the late night. Not as much exercise this weekend as I hoped, but large chunks of my house are so much cleaner that it's totally worth it!

kisses,
Heather

Hmmm, the last "testing" post was because blogger has a text to blog feature. I sent out a testing to see if it would work and then got a text back that said -- yay! It worked. So, then I text-posted a much longer update, which of course did not work at all. Clearly, it's sit at the computer and do it or nothing at all. Luckily, you didn't miss much -- I was just confessing to skipping a workout on Tuesday.

The biggest loser competition at the gym starts in 9 days. There is a check list of things you should do to get ready. One of them is that you should drink 1 oz of water for every 1/2 pound of your weight. (So, if you weighed 100 lbs, you'd be drinking 50 oz of water.) Well, you already know how much I weigh, so I was a bit daunted by that. I did the math. That's like 6 oz for every hour you're awake. Of course, your smarmier folks were all "that's what you're supposed to do anyways." Really? Well, suck it -- that's a lot of water and a LOT of peeing. I know, I hit it today. But it was a bit of effort and I was not enjoying it. I mean, the water is fine but the enforcement of it felt like punishment and the having to pee all the time was not exactly a walk in the park either.

But, that's fine. The trainers want me to quit my job and drink water, pee and work out all the time. And think of all the weight I'll lose from not having money to buy food!

Testing?

Yes, I am trying to be trendy with this look!

I'm trying to avoid turning this into a "well today I did this much cardio, blah blah" blog. The inclination is certainly there, but I'm struggling with it.

But, part of the reason that I want to put it out there is now that I've put myself out there, I do want to let you know what I'm doing. So...

Saturday night Scott and I went out with another couple and partied hearty. But we still got up and went to the gym on Sunday morning! There ARE miracles and they ain't just on 34th Streeth, yo! I managed to do 30 minutes of cardio by breaking it into 10 minute increments on three machines. (Is this cheating? It kind of feels like it.) One of those machines is what even the trainer who did our tour on Saturday calls "the Beast." It's the stairmaster. You know, the stairs to nowhere machine? Yeah.

I've always been intimidated by the Beast, so therefore I am making that part of my routine. I refuse to be intimidated by anything anymore. I can master anything for 5 or 10 minutes, damn it! Well, definitely 5, the 10 is still a bit of a stretch. I can't figure out how to set the thing manually though, so I keep having to do one of those darned programs. And it's going okay. I'm not setting it on a crazy level because I just want to be able to do it. Level 1 is fine with me, that's still better than the Level 0 I've done for the last 37 years!

Tonight I really had a hard time motivating myself to go work out. My work shift ends at 5:30 and I had an appointment at 7. I didn't need to look or even smell good for this appointment, so that was not a valid excuse because I could easily do at least 20 minutes and still have time to drive to my appointment. I brought my gym bag with my clothes and the gym is at my job, so no good excuse there. They are offering overtime and encouraging folks to take advantage of it, but I'm not terribly behind in my work and besides just didn't really have the heart to stay sitting at my desk for 45 more minutes just so I would have a "reason" not to go work out.

So, I overcame. I went down to the gym. I realized that I forgot my water bottle at home, but that was okay because I always have one at my desk. My favorite daily use locker was taken, which felt oddly unlucky. But, here is the kicker... I changed my clothes and was in my sweats and sports bra and had just pulled out my t-shirt. I recently purchased some very unglamourous men's t-shirts for the sole purpose of having work out shirts that were lightweight and fit. They're grey and non-descript, to say the least. Except this grey t-shirt wasn't a t-shirt. It was a grey turtleneck. And it was the only shirt in my bag.

Now, I'm pissed. Really? Really?! I finally get over myself and start gliding over my objections and you mean I have a fucking turtleneck to work out in?! My mindless self-sabotage began when I carelessly put my gym clothes in the bag without looking first. Really?

No. Fuck that. I put on the friggin' turtleneck and pushed up the sleeves. (I mean, the alternative would have been to work out in my sports brag. Now, just because I was "brave" and posted that OOOOHH so flattering picture here on the WWW does not mean I'm going to be putting all that on display for my co-workers, no thank you!) So, yes -- I worked out in my turtleneck. I'm sure no one even noticed or thought anything of it, but I really felt like a dumbass. But, then I thought -- well, I would have feel like a fat ass if I had just skipped the whole thing and left. Would I rather be dumb than fat?? Not sure... So, I did 9 minutes on the Beast and 11 minutes on this elliptical strider thing that is like walking through sand. I didn't think that I would have time for 30 minutes and plus I was so friggin' uncomfortable that it didn't really matter.

Besides, I made my point. If I can even work out in a turtleneck, then there just aren't many excuses left.

Still looking for a good sign off,
Heather

Change in plans

Okay, I've decided that I am not going to join WW and instead turn this into a blog about how much fatter I can really get!

Ha! Just kidding... Kind of. When we were at the gym today, we made an impulsive decision to join in their version of a Biggest Loser challenge. Yikes! But, with the challenge there is a proscribed eating plan to maximize weight loss, which pretty much eliminates the need for me to join Weight Watchers until after this 12 week program is over.

But, the GREAT news for you is how fun is it going to be to hear about a 12-week weight loss challenge?! Right?! I know -- I can already feel your excitement. I know that the journey is one that both terrifies me and excites me. I've never been much of a challenge myself physically kind of a girl. I have friends who have done marathons and half marathons and triathlons (and one friend who has done all 3!) and constantly push themselves to be in good shape. I admired this from a distance while eating ice cream and congratulating them. But, I'm ready to be congratulated. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to be the person I'm meant to become.

And to prove it, I'm putting myself fully out there with my blog and posting my very first super fat photo! Yikes!





They make us take before pictures for the the challange. I was not excited about stripping for the buff little dude who is the trainer but what are you gonna do?

Once I get more in tune with this, I'll figure out how to do a whole photo page or something. But let's just baby-step a little bit more, shall we? I mean, seeing all of this is not for everyone! It certainly has played a large part in my aversion to reflective surfaces for so long!

I need a catchy sign off....
Heather

PS -- Turns out my initial weight loss confession was off -- I was 228 on their scale today. 2 lb weight loss since Thursday, ha ha!

Confessions and stuff

First confession, I don't like my blog quote. I rarely eat donuts, but they are so synonymous with fat prejudice that I included it. I'm a wino and I eat unconciously in general -- these are my problems. Oo, and accidental second and third confessions!

Also, I decided to stop kidding myself and I'm joining Weight Watchers. It's an at-work program, which is nice because a lot of my co-workers will now be around to share tips with. But, that also means that I have to talk about losing weight with my co-workers, which is not something I'm super stoked about. It is what it is.

So, we had the initial info meeting on Thursday, but we don't officially start until this coming Thursday. That's our official weigh in. But they brought the scale in case you were "curious." And I'd been occasionally getting on the scale in the gym, so I knew but there's nothing like seeing it on that digital WW scale to bring back all of the combination of regret and desire to overcome.

And so, I am going to overcome my first big fear about why I thought I was not ready to do this and I'm going to put my weight here. On the web. For everyone to see. Because it is this kind of public number shaming or something that needs to go along with this journey that is finally, hopefully going to keep me on the right path once and for fucking all!

The number was 230.8.

Which means that I officially gained back all of the weight that I lost before, to the penny. "Luckily", I didn't go over like so many people do but I did get right back to where I started from. Which is not a good feeling, but luckily I'm at a place now where it doesn't make me spiral into a downward depression of despair. It is what it is. As I said before, I have had many good times getting to this point and I don't undermine that. I like to party and I can't imagine that getting on a healthier lifestyle is ever really going to truly cure that. However, hopefully, I will no longer see that I made it to Wednesday is a reason to "party."

So, there it is. Big confession.

I will also try to start putting up pictures and whatnot because the blogs I like the most have that going for them.

Now, Scott and I are off to the gym for an "orientation." I'm a tad nervous because this is the first time we have worked out together and he's a no pain, no gain kind of exerciser. Me, I'm like right now, I'm just happy that I'm moving!! I'm not trying to set the world on fire. Once I can build up a tolerance to moving and getting my heart rate up, then we'll start pushing more.

I'm admitting to my weight on the WWW, but I'm NOT crazy!! :)

I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

Well, my fat didn't wake me up any other mornings. Although, I did go to bed at the rather embarrassing hour of 8:30ish that evening. And that was because I had to force myself to stay awake that long so I wasn't going to be at 7:30! Yikes!

Anyways, sorry I'm not the daily bloggery type. I'm working on it, but I'm working on a lot.

So, on Saturday, we were going to join the gym that Scott wants to use since his work doesn't have a gym but we missed the staffed time. We were going to run the dogs wild at the park, but the po-po had other plans about unleashed dogs on their turf. This all ultimately devolved into a whole lot of not getting exercise.

Sunday, also a somewhat sedentary day, filled with remorse and regret.

I indulged in the vino on Friday night and also caved again on Sunday. (It was the Golden Globes! That's an event that needs to be partied with, right?)

But, the thing that didn't happen is that I did not let this devolve into a whole lot of beating myself up for all of the stuff I didn't do. Instead, Monday night, we joined that gym and I did my workout there instead of at work. 21 minutes on the elliptical. I was feeling all proud of myself until I got home and Scott was bragging about how many calories he burned on the treadmill and the bike. So, today I kicked it up a teeny bit. I walked during the day for a total of about 20 minutes and then I went to new gym and did 15 minutes elliptical and 10 minutes bike. More on the bike in a second... And I didn't have vino last night or tonight, which again is an accomplishment for me. But, best of all, I'm beating myself up a lot less and trying to move forward -- so that's a BIG accomplishment for me.

But, back to the bike, briefly... I really didn't want to do the 10 minutes, I'll tell you. It was the recumbent, which I normally think of as a wussie thing to do, but the regular bike wasn't available. (Which really sucks because it has this cool video trail that you ride along with and you can log your progress.) I get like 2 minutes into the ride and I'm just ready for it to be over. So, I decide to play the longest song on my iPod and I make myself a deal. If the song finishes before I hit the time, then I will stop. But otherwise, I got to go through the end of my time.

And I picked American Pie by Don McLean, which is about 7.5 minutes long. And I finished the ride. Yay me!

Good luck!

Other things to work on

In addition to needing to work on losing half of myself, I need to figure out a way to regain the self-esteem I lost when I got this way.

I feel so much more awkward in social situations than I used to and it's because of how uncomfortable I am with how I look. And the frustrating thing is that I've looked like this for a while now, but it's like I woke up one morning... It's the Emperor's New Clothes! Everyone knew I was fat but me and now I think that they've been pointing and laughing at me this whole time for being fat and not realizing it.

Well, not that I didn't know I was fat, that's ridiculous. Of course, I knew. But, I didn't care for a while because I was just a little fat. Ha! Anyway, I continued to be "okay" with being a "little fat" because I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do to not be. So, a little fat turned into a little bit more fat and then a little bit more fat and then the next thing I knew, I was standing next to fat people and they were asking me to commiserate with them. And at first I was like, why does she think I can relate to that? And then, I don't know, I found a mirror. And realized how much I have been avoiding mirrors in order to keep up my delusion that I was just a little fat.

So.

On the one hand, now that I have this attitude of trying (TRYING!) to do something about it, I feel like I should be allowed to wear some kind of sign that says "Hey, I'm working on it!" You know, so people know.

Because the thing is that people who have never been fat have no FUCKING idea how hard it is. None. They just think why doesn't she just eat right and exercise? Is she actually going to eat that? Why is she taking the elevator - no wonder she's fat? And I know this because times in my life when I have not been this ginormous I have thought those same things. And even, mortifyingly enough, preached them to people. Because, much like the blog authors of the blog's I'm following, I truly, truly believed that if I could do it and get it to work for ME, then anyone could be successful. And that was that re-found self-esteem.

What people who have never been fat (we've got to come up with a name for them other than skinny bitches) don't realize is that even when you get that drive to eat right and exercise, it's still hard as hell. You don't just run around the block and lose 10 pounds. And you definitely don't run around the block and suddenly have everyone stop looking at you as a fat person -- because they don't know you just ran around the block! Because again, it's not like you can wear a sign.

And would you want to? That's a whole other Pandora's box. Because I'm working out at work, I'm forced to see people who know me and see that I'm working out. And you see that look that they give you of support and encouragement. Or that's how it's meant, I am guessing, but to me it just feels condescending as fuck. Hey, look at you -- you realized you were fat! Good for you! Sweat it out girl! Because this flies directly in the face of me not wanting to talk about it. And I know that I don't want to talk about it, because I fear failure. And if I don't tell you that I'm doing these things, then I don't have to talk about my progress and how it's going and how much did I work out and oh, am I going to EAT that?!

All of these spiralling thoughts are what got me out of my cozy bed at 7:15 on a Saturday morning.

Basically, my fat woke me up. To berate me for being fat. And I'm just so over it. So, I'm going to keep walking around the block and trying to do better and forgive myself for my indulgences last night and just keep holding on. And try to find that self-esteem along the way.

Movin'

So, I DON'T like to move it, move it. I'm known for the exact opposite. Well, I don't know that I'm known for that, per se, but you get where I'm going.

As I said, my plan to lose weight involves baby-stepping into some lifestyle changes until I can say that I've embraced them. One of those was getting more active. I'm going to the gym at work.

It's been a funky week so I only had my second work-out this week. I have to say that I left feeling disappointed in myself. I knew I could have sweated more, but chose to do another path on the cardio. But the weird thing is that it was a good feeling to know that I was disappointed in how I did in my workout. I knew that I could have done better or more or whatever. Isn't that progress of a sorts? I mean, at least I'm not feeling bad for NOT working out.

I've been doing the elliptical. Whenever I have talked to people who are my size-ish in the past about the elliptical, they always mention being intimidated or not liking it or whatever. But I like it. I feel like you get a lot of bang for your buck and it doesn't hurt my calves nearly as much as walking on the treadmill does. I mean, every time I walk on the treadmill it kills my calves. Past experience dictates that this will eventually abate, but I'm like anxious to get to that point. That was what the kick in the pants was tonight. I tried to do the speed intervals tonight but about mid-way through I started getting the burning tightness in my calves and this time it spread the front too. I never get that with the elliptical. Mostly with the elliptical I just get the praying for death to take me so it will be over please God.

Last night to get some motion in, Scott and I danced. I gave him Just Dance 2 for Christmas and this version even shows the sweat factor. They are not whistling Dixie with those sweat factors. And we started with the pedal to the medal with Jump by Kriss Kross. Let me tell you, fighting the laws of gravity with all of this junk in the trunk, that was quite a feat. But at least that's a fun way to get some moving in, even if I got no rhythm. Or moves. Or soul. But, whatever. In the end, he kept pushing me to do just one more song, so we wound up doing like 5, which is one less than what the game says is an "intense" workout. I really recommend it as a fun way to get some sweat on. I guess that's why people are so into Rumba or Zumba or whatever that's called.

Tomorrow night is my book club, so I won't be working out after work. I'm challenging myself to get in at least 20 minutes during the day on my breaks and lunches. Wish me luck!

The History of this Fat

So, I kind of think that all fat people have the story of where their fat came from. One single event that kind of spiraled into "here I am, stuck in an airplane seat."

I don't know that mine was a cataclysmic event, but I thought I'd give you a brief history of me that talks about my weight...

I was sort of a chunky kid, not crazy overweight but I had some rolls. Then the summer after 9th grade, my mom and I went on the Richard Simmons' Deal a Meal diet. Remember that one? With the cards? I think I lost 15 lbs which was probably about what I needed to look like other folks. I remember that I always thought I was fat in high school, and for some reason no one could ever convince me that I was not. Maybe it was just that I was a teenager, maybe there was some other reason. Who knows? But the only thing fat about me in school was my big permed hair.

After I graduated, I met the ding-dong who would unfortunately eventually become my (starter)  husband. That's a blog for another time, but suffice it to say that he was not great. For a big chunk of our pre-marriage years we lived with his family in a trailer and the family was very large. I stayed rather tiny and was out of high school, so I knew it. When we got married in October of 1994, I know that I was a size 8 because that was the size of my wedding dress and all of my clothes. Right after we got married, we moved to South Dakota and by Christmas my misery had pushed me up 3 sizes to a 14. I cannot tell you exactly what happened in those 3 months that caused such a dramatic change. And the only reason I know that it happened in that short of a time-frame is because he bought me clothes for Christmas and I was SO offended when they were size 14 and then I think they barely fit. It was not a good time, but I really never did much to change it. I know I was unhappy about it, but I was so unhappy with my life in general at that point that my weight just seemed to be a way to manifest that.

Eventually, that crappy relationship ended. I stayed in South Dakota on my own for about a year after it ended. I know I joined a gym during that time, because I have a strong memory of going to the gym one morning before work and when I came out it had been snowing the whole time I was there. I don't really remember working out all that much. In fact, this was when Tae Bo was all the rage and I tried to go to a class and I think I made it for 5 minutes and walked out. Embarrassing! It colored my ability to join an exercise class ever since.

I moved back to Virginia Beach where I still live in 1999. I'm not sure what size I was. I know I was overweight, but nowhere near where I am now and have been in the past. I haven't been much for scales for most of my life. (Except when I weighed in the 120's -- then I was ALLL about it! One memorable journal entry from my youth involved my mood elevating because I had weighed myself and I was 123.) I was getting action somewhat frequently, so I couldn't have been TOO horrible looking -- but those interactions were highly fraught with insecurity, so who knows?

In the summer of 2000, I had a schwanoma tumor in my chest that I had removed. I was in the hospital for a week. An unexpected benefit from this was that I dropped a fair amount of weight with no effort. I was down to a size 12 with an occasional 10 -- my ultimate size goal. (There's always tons of 10's in the stores and they're always on sale because of the overstock. Plus, it always feels attainable.) Around this time I dated (my husband now) Scott for the first time. Scott was a very big guy and all of his friends were big guys. I LOVED it! Really, every time we went out it made me feel like a movie star surrounded by her bodyguards -- the WWF!

The first time around was very short, just 3 or 4 months and then when it ended I took it really hard. Eventually I met someone else and we dated for about a year. I don't recall many ups and downs in my weight then, so I must have been at a somewhat constant state. Maybe size 12's and 14's.

After that ended, I played around a lot and partied a LOT. I was living on my own again and not eating healthy at all. My refrigerator was mostly beer and salsa.

Scott and I got back together. We clicked and this time it was a definite keeper. Our lifestyle became more and more stay-at-home comfy time. Many beverages and late-night snacks were consumed. I gradually started ballooning. When we got married in 2004, I believe my wedding dress was at least a 14 and may have been a 16. It wasn't long after that I got up to 18.

Then the mental preparations began to "do something." There was talks of joining the gym and maybe even a half-hearted attempt was made. Finally I got sick of being sick about it and I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know the exact date but I know that it was 2005. One of my coworkers asked me to join with her. It was nice having a partner to help, but 2 weeks into it she learned she was pregnant. So, I was on my own. I went with different people from time to time and made a couple of good acquaintances through the meetings, but mostly I was loner. But I really liked it. I got a lot out of the meetings and the program worked for me. I got inspired and started using the gym at my work. Just for work-outs during the day. This was probably the best I ever did at a weight loss program.  I realize now that it was because it was my first serious attempt.

I lost 50 pounds. It took me about a year, but I didn't put it on in a day so I never expected - then - to take it off quickly.

I really felt great. I loved shopping. I was doing my work-outs during the day, so really feeling like I was making changes that were part of my life that I could live with and maintain. I felt like I was doing things that were a bit outside of the box but again -- things I could live with.

So. What changed? How did I get here and get fat again?

Well, a lot of things, just like most people.

I had lost the 50 lbs in 2006. That was the year that we bought our house and that was the year I decided to go back to school and earn my Bachelor's. I tried to stay in Weight Watchers, but being a natural homebody it became harder and harder to take another night away from home so eventually I stopped going. Gradually, my bad eating habits started slipping their way back into my life because I wasn't accountable. Between sitting all day at work and then sitting a couple nights a week in school, I was doing way more sitting than I was working out. But, I continued to work out during the day.

Then, gradually, I stopped working out during the day. It was little things that cut that back. Too much work to do, too little caring about it. I don't know. Between 2006-2008, I managed to maintain most of the weight loss that I had achieved. I may have gained 10 lbs back, but I don't think it was more than that. Somewhere during that time-frame, I believe I joined WW again at an at work program. I never really dedicated myself to it much, but I think I did manage to lose 5 lbs. There wasn't much interest in the work place in the program, though there was a need, and it eventually died.

Also in that time-frame, I was officially diagnosed with neurofibromatosis 2. This sounds much worse than it actually has turned out to be. It's a benign tumor disorder, with the very unfortunate side effect of having tumors grow on both of your hearing nerves. My mom has this condition and there's just no way to describe the condition she's in but it ain't pretty. It was a hard blow. Scott and I dealt with this problem by drinking. A lot. It didn't change the problem, but definitely had the benefit of making us care a LOT less. :)

In late 2008 I changed jobs within the company to a different department. I liked my new job but it was much more challenging than my old job, and I found myself working through my breaks and lunches. In early 2009, the company announced a major change -- half of the jobs in my building were being "consolidated." The department that I had just left, where all of my support was, would not longer be there. It was a very, very stressful time. The department that wasn't losing their jobs was the subject of a lot of negativity from the department that got consolidated. It was a very uncertain time and the process took an agonizing long time -- almost 9 months before it was fully finalized.

The gym at my work used to be staffed with one of the most motivating personal trainers I had ever known. She pushed you and motivated you and never judged. She was one of the people who was going to be consolidated out of her job. I had lost any interest in going to the gym. It was just too depressing to know that she would be gone, plus with my own job change I just didn't make the time during the day.

And I started drinking lots more. We became friends with our neighbors, so we always had a reason to drink at home. We discovered lots of cheap wines and drank them all. And the drinking led to a lot of late-night snacking and the twisted circle goes on.

In past weight loss attempts, I go through a justification/rationalization/something process of trying to be okay with the fat. Trying to just live with it and be the pretty fat girl. There's a part of me that still wants that.

But there's another part that is just tired of being sick of it. Tired of being jealous of people. Tired of feeling out of place in the world. Of feeling too big for the world...

Anyays, that was a history lesson and I digressed.

So, that was my journey. I really think 2010 was the kicker in the fat war. My job was very stressful for most of the year and consequently led to bad decisions time and time again.

So, here I am -- working on it.

And telling you what that's like -- or what it's like for me anyways.

So, that's all. I'll get back to regular type posting from here on and try to keep the history for people who want to talk about more than just my butt.

No, really - don't ask

I wrote a whole thing and it got lost.

It went something like this.

I know that I am putting this in the WWW, but it's not because I want to "talk" about it. I don't want to talk about it. But I need to write about it and get it out of my head. Hence, the new attempt at renewed blogging. So, please understand, that if you call me and want to talk about what you're reading, that I'm not going to want to do it. You can comment, if you want. You can email if you want, though I may not respond. This is hard, this thing. It's not that I think you don't understand but...

Well, what if I fail? Again? I can't stand to have that out there.

Sooo, I feel bad that I don't want to talk about it, because it's my friend Julia is the one who got me turned on to weight loss blogs in general. She says I started it because of one I found, but that turned her on to more and more. I started reading them and this journey that I had decided to start really blossomed.

But, the problem is that these journeys that she got hooked on are coming to somewhat of an end for these folks. Well, not an end. When you battle with your weight, there is never, ever an end. There's always work to be done. It's a change in attitude, it's a lifestyle, whatever. But, still -- these folks have gotten down to the weight that they want to be at and are now high on life and sharing the good news.

Yeah, I'm about "the good news", but I'm still in the bad news portion of the show.

So, here are some of the reasons that I'm scared that I'm not ready to change.

I don't want to talk about it! Ha! I mean, it's me -- I talk about everything. To death. But, I really don't want to talk about it, because I'm not ready to accept people's opinions about what I want to do and how I should do it and what's right and what's wrong. I know that's narrow-minded and probably wrong.

In other weight loss blogs that I have read, the writer will post their starting weight. Nope, not ready for that. I'm not ready for you to know that number that is assigned to all of this. I am hoping to retrospectively post that once I get going. And was very inspired by one of the bloggers who had his starting number tattoed on his arm -- I think that's nifty and really think that if I do this that this may be my next tattoo. Maybe as a time on a clock? A melting Salvador Dali watch? Hmmm...

But mostly, it's because I'm not diving in. But is this wrong? I think this is the Julia influence in my life. Julia learned that caffeine was detrimental, so bam - stops drinking it. Cold turkey. CA-razy. I mean, I love her but this kind of fanaticism has no place in my life.

So, that's not me. I've tried many things through the years and some of them were successful, but if they had been truly successful I wouldn't be back in this boat again.

My current plan is to baby-step my way into some permanent changes. Work on those changes until they stick and then start making more changes.

It's not necessarily the FAT that is the problem. It's the lack of control. I can't do things physically that I want to be able to do. Or at least, I want to be the kind of person who wants to do these things but in order to be able to resemble her I need to be in control. More fit.

So, what I'm baby-stepping (that sounds funny) in now is working out and drinking less. Not stopping drinking and not working out daily. I try to do anything forever, and fuhgeddaboutit.

This past week, I worked out 3 nights after work. For about 20 minutes each time. I didn't have any alcohol Monday through Thursday, fell off the wagon Friday big time, and then not again last night. For your average, every day non-part-time alcholic, this is no big deal, but trust me that around here that is a LOT of non-drinking. A lot of temptation ducking.

The working out is the hardest part. I've never been someone who is about exercise. Other people make it seem so effortless. I mean, they sweat and stuff but they don't look like they're going to keel over and die afterwards. I'm not kidding, I hate these people. At least while I'm working out. I just want them all to leave. I feel so awkward. On the one hand, I don't think that they care what I look like or if I stay for 5 minutes or 5 hours, but it's just hard to make myself believe that. It's the only child thing, I guess. And, I look at them. So why would they not look at me? And judge me?

I've been going to the gym at work. I thought the proximity would be the easiest, but I think perhaps that the anonymity of strangers in a gym will be better for me eventually. I should have the money for that soon enough.

Anyways, here's post number one. We'll see how this goes...