So, I kind of think that all fat people have the story of where their fat came from. One single event that kind of spiraled into "here I am, stuck in an airplane seat."
I don't know that mine was a cataclysmic event, but I thought I'd give you a brief history of me that talks about my weight...
I was sort of a chunky kid, not crazy overweight but I had some rolls. Then the summer after 9th grade, my mom and I went on the Richard Simmons' Deal a Meal diet. Remember that one? With the cards? I think I lost 15 lbs which was probably about what I needed to look like other folks. I remember that I always thought I was fat in high school, and for some reason no one could ever convince me that I was not. Maybe it was just that I was a teenager, maybe there was some other reason. Who knows? But the only thing fat about me in school was my big permed hair.
After I graduated, I met the ding-dong who would unfortunately eventually become my (starter) husband. That's a blog for another time, but suffice it to say that he was not great. For a big chunk of our pre-marriage years we lived with his family in a trailer and the family was very large. I stayed rather tiny and was out of high school, so I knew it. When we got married in October of 1994, I know that I was a size 8 because that was the size of my wedding dress and all of my clothes. Right after we got married, we moved to South Dakota and by Christmas my misery had pushed me up 3 sizes to a 14. I cannot tell you exactly what happened in those 3 months that caused such a dramatic change. And the only reason I know that it happened in that short of a time-frame is because he bought me clothes for Christmas and I was SO offended when they were size 14 and then I think they barely fit. It was not a good time, but I really never did much to change it. I know I was unhappy about it, but I was so unhappy with my life in general at that point that my weight just seemed to be a way to manifest that.
Eventually, that crappy relationship ended. I stayed in South Dakota on my own for about a year after it ended. I know I joined a gym during that time, because I have a strong memory of going to the gym one morning before work and when I came out it had been snowing the whole time I was there. I don't really remember working out all that much. In fact, this was when Tae Bo was all the rage and I tried to go to a class and I think I made it for 5 minutes and walked out. Embarrassing! It colored my ability to join an exercise class ever since.
I moved back to Virginia Beach where I still live in 1999. I'm not sure what size I was. I know I was overweight, but nowhere near where I am now and have been in the past. I haven't been much for scales for most of my life. (Except when I weighed in the 120's -- then I was ALLL about it! One memorable journal entry from my youth involved my mood elevating because I had weighed myself and I was 123.) I was getting action somewhat frequently, so I couldn't have been TOO horrible looking -- but those interactions were highly fraught with insecurity, so who knows?
In the summer of 2000, I had a schwanoma tumor in my chest that I had removed. I was in the hospital for a week. An unexpected benefit from this was that I dropped a fair amount of weight with no effort. I was down to a size 12 with an occasional 10 -- my ultimate size goal. (There's always tons of 10's in the stores and they're always on sale because of the overstock. Plus, it always feels attainable.) Around this time I dated (my husband now) Scott for the first time. Scott was a very big guy and all of his friends were big guys. I LOVED it! Really, every time we went out it made me feel like a movie star surrounded by her bodyguards -- the WWF!
The first time around was very short, just 3 or 4 months and then when it ended I took it really hard. Eventually I met someone else and we dated for about a year. I don't recall many ups and downs in my weight then, so I must have been at a somewhat constant state. Maybe size 12's and 14's.
After that ended, I played around a lot and partied a LOT. I was living on my own again and not eating healthy at all. My refrigerator was mostly beer and salsa.
Scott and I got back together. We clicked and this time it was a definite keeper. Our lifestyle became more and more stay-at-home comfy time. Many beverages and late-night snacks were consumed. I gradually started ballooning. When we got married in 2004, I believe my wedding dress was at least a 14 and may have been a 16. It wasn't long after that I got up to 18.
Then the mental preparations began to "do something." There was talks of joining the gym and maybe even a half-hearted attempt was made. Finally I got sick of being sick about it and I joined Weight Watchers. I don't know the exact date but I know that it was 2005. One of my coworkers asked me to join with her. It was nice having a partner to help, but 2 weeks into it she learned she was pregnant. So, I was on my own. I went with different people from time to time and made a couple of good acquaintances through the meetings, but mostly I was loner. But I really liked it. I got a lot out of the meetings and the program worked for me. I got inspired and started using the gym at my work. Just for work-outs during the day. This was probably the best I ever did at a weight loss program. I realize now that it was because it was my first serious attempt.
I lost 50 pounds. It took me about a year, but I didn't put it on in a day so I never expected - then - to take it off quickly.
I really felt great. I loved shopping. I was doing my work-outs during the day, so really feeling like I was making changes that were part of my life that I could live with and maintain. I felt like I was doing things that were a bit outside of the box but again -- things I could live with.
So. What changed? How did I get here and get fat again?
Well, a lot of things, just like most people.
I had lost the 50 lbs in 2006. That was the year that we bought our house and that was the year I decided to go back to school and earn my Bachelor's. I tried to stay in Weight Watchers, but being a natural homebody it became harder and harder to take another night away from home so eventually I stopped going. Gradually, my bad eating habits started slipping their way back into my life because I wasn't accountable. Between sitting all day at work and then sitting a couple nights a week in school, I was doing way more sitting than I was working out. But, I continued to work out during the day.
Then, gradually, I stopped working out during the day. It was little things that cut that back. Too much work to do, too little caring about it. I don't know. Between 2006-2008, I managed to maintain most of the weight loss that I had achieved. I may have gained 10 lbs back, but I don't think it was more than that. Somewhere during that time-frame, I believe I joined WW again at an at work program. I never really dedicated myself to it much, but I think I did manage to lose 5 lbs. There wasn't much interest in the work place in the program, though there was a need, and it eventually died.
Also in that time-frame, I was officially diagnosed with neurofibromatosis 2. This sounds much worse than it actually has turned out to be. It's a benign tumor disorder, with the very unfortunate side effect of having tumors grow on both of your hearing nerves. My mom has this condition and there's just no way to describe the condition she's in but it ain't pretty. It was a hard blow. Scott and I dealt with this problem by drinking. A lot. It didn't change the problem, but definitely had the benefit of making us care a LOT less. :)
In late 2008 I changed jobs within the company to a different department. I liked my new job but it was much more challenging than my old job, and I found myself working through my breaks and lunches. In early 2009, the company announced a major change -- half of the jobs in my building were being "consolidated." The department that I had just left, where all of my support was, would not longer be there. It was a very, very stressful time. The department that wasn't losing their jobs was the subject of a lot of negativity from the department that got consolidated. It was a very uncertain time and the process took an agonizing long time -- almost 9 months before it was fully finalized.
The gym at my work used to be staffed with one of the most motivating personal trainers I had ever known. She pushed you and motivated you and never judged. She was one of the people who was going to be consolidated out of her job. I had lost any interest in going to the gym. It was just too depressing to know that she would be gone, plus with my own job change I just didn't make the time during the day.
And I started drinking lots more. We became friends with our neighbors, so we always had a reason to drink at home. We discovered lots of cheap wines and drank them all. And the drinking led to a lot of late-night snacking and the twisted circle goes on.
In past weight loss attempts, I go through a justification/rationalization/something process of trying to be okay with the fat. Trying to just live with it and be the pretty fat girl. There's a part of me that still wants that.
But there's another part that is just tired of being sick of it. Tired of being jealous of people. Tired of feeling out of place in the world. Of feeling too big for the world...
Anyays, that was a history lesson and I digressed.
So, that was my journey. I really think 2010 was the kicker in the fat war. My job was very stressful for most of the year and consequently led to bad decisions time and time again.
So, here I am -- working on it.
And telling you what that's like -- or what it's like for me anyways.
So, that's all. I'll get back to regular type posting from here on and try to keep the history for people who want to talk about more than just my butt.
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