More on the brain

Here's how I know the brain is willing -- I have a kind of looking forward to exercising mental outlook. However, it's not the "I can't wait to get to the gym!" feeling that I thought would happen. It's more "I can't wait to get to the gym so I can get that OVER with!"

But, that's better than nothing, I know.

I had this talk with Scott the other day about how weird it working out at my work gym because unlike a "strange" gym, I know the people working out and feel weird being around them. I said it's like elevator time -- this uncomfortable span of time hanging out with people and not really talking to them. He said that it's more like bathroom time. Still uncomfortable, but you've got business to do while you're in there so you just do your business in close proximity to other people and move on with your life. So, sometimes you're going to do things that are embarrassing but you just have to do them and get over caring that these people are there.

That helps, oddly.

It was how I managed to do a full 30 minutes on the elliptical last night! Yay! (Again, I don't always want to be "I did this much cardio, this much blah blah" but sometimes I just can't help it!) I was very much impressed with myself. I even got some strength training in from patting myself on the back, ha ha.

I didn't think I was going to make it, but I was saved by music again. I'm still working on trying to get the right blend of music while at the gym and that's hard with the obscure blend of music I have here, you have NO idea. So, while I'm on the elliptical I'm almost at the 20 minute mark and I just want to quit. I'm rationalizing, I've done 20 minutes and therre is NOTHING wrong with that. And I do really believe that, because 20 minutes is better than 0 or even than 10. And then, I can't hear any music. I'm like, oh great my stupid ipod is on the fritz again. Then I realize it is the slow, torturous build-up to Troy by Sinead O'Connor.

I know, right? The phoenix from the flame, hello?!

Of course, if you don't know this song, this post will mean NOTHING to you, and I'm sorry. And really, if you first hear this song over the age of 16 I doubt it will mean anything to you. But because this was THE high school angst song and it has this burning slow build-up to this crescendo of love and hate and jealousy and just sheer I'm a fricking survivor and I'm going to do this thing if it is the last thing I EVER freaking do in my life...

Needless to say, it was EXACTLY what the fates ordered to push me to the end. After that was over, I didn't look at the last 5 minutes as being challenging at all. It was just something I had to do because I was still standing.

The Phoenix from the Flame is OUT!
Heather

Yes, I am trying to be trendy with this look!

I'm trying to avoid turning this into a "well today I did this much cardio, blah blah" blog. The inclination is certainly there, but I'm struggling with it.

But, part of the reason that I want to put it out there is now that I've put myself out there, I do want to let you know what I'm doing. So...

Saturday night Scott and I went out with another couple and partied hearty. But we still got up and went to the gym on Sunday morning! There ARE miracles and they ain't just on 34th Streeth, yo! I managed to do 30 minutes of cardio by breaking it into 10 minute increments on three machines. (Is this cheating? It kind of feels like it.) One of those machines is what even the trainer who did our tour on Saturday calls "the Beast." It's the stairmaster. You know, the stairs to nowhere machine? Yeah.

I've always been intimidated by the Beast, so therefore I am making that part of my routine. I refuse to be intimidated by anything anymore. I can master anything for 5 or 10 minutes, damn it! Well, definitely 5, the 10 is still a bit of a stretch. I can't figure out how to set the thing manually though, so I keep having to do one of those darned programs. And it's going okay. I'm not setting it on a crazy level because I just want to be able to do it. Level 1 is fine with me, that's still better than the Level 0 I've done for the last 37 years!

Tonight I really had a hard time motivating myself to go work out. My work shift ends at 5:30 and I had an appointment at 7. I didn't need to look or even smell good for this appointment, so that was not a valid excuse because I could easily do at least 20 minutes and still have time to drive to my appointment. I brought my gym bag with my clothes and the gym is at my job, so no good excuse there. They are offering overtime and encouraging folks to take advantage of it, but I'm not terribly behind in my work and besides just didn't really have the heart to stay sitting at my desk for 45 more minutes just so I would have a "reason" not to go work out.

So, I overcame. I went down to the gym. I realized that I forgot my water bottle at home, but that was okay because I always have one at my desk. My favorite daily use locker was taken, which felt oddly unlucky. But, here is the kicker... I changed my clothes and was in my sweats and sports bra and had just pulled out my t-shirt. I recently purchased some very unglamourous men's t-shirts for the sole purpose of having work out shirts that were lightweight and fit. They're grey and non-descript, to say the least. Except this grey t-shirt wasn't a t-shirt. It was a grey turtleneck. And it was the only shirt in my bag.

Now, I'm pissed. Really? Really?! I finally get over myself and start gliding over my objections and you mean I have a fucking turtleneck to work out in?! My mindless self-sabotage began when I carelessly put my gym clothes in the bag without looking first. Really?

No. Fuck that. I put on the friggin' turtleneck and pushed up the sleeves. (I mean, the alternative would have been to work out in my sports brag. Now, just because I was "brave" and posted that OOOOHH so flattering picture here on the WWW does not mean I'm going to be putting all that on display for my co-workers, no thank you!) So, yes -- I worked out in my turtleneck. I'm sure no one even noticed or thought anything of it, but I really felt like a dumbass. But, then I thought -- well, I would have feel like a fat ass if I had just skipped the whole thing and left. Would I rather be dumb than fat?? Not sure... So, I did 9 minutes on the Beast and 11 minutes on this elliptical strider thing that is like walking through sand. I didn't think that I would have time for 30 minutes and plus I was so friggin' uncomfortable that it didn't really matter.

Besides, I made my point. If I can even work out in a turtleneck, then there just aren't many excuses left.

Still looking for a good sign off,
Heather