So, I had a bad day. Not like having a tumor bad, but not great. Customers yelled at me all day. We found out we had another leak at one of our rentals. My hearing aids went on the fritz and ate three batteries. It seems like something else, but who can remember with all the getting yelled at?
This did not lend itself to me wanting to go to boot camp. Really, really did not want to go.
Which is apparently the mindset it takes for it to not wind up feeling like torture. I mean, it was still torture -- but I was able to jump the box tonight!!!!
What, you want that in big print?
I WAS ABLE TO JUMP THE BOX TONIGHT!
Isn't that so fun? It was just the trashcan size one but who cares? I conquered my fear of the box and just went for it -- again and again!
Did I rock the rest of the workouts? Hell no. Finished last in the races, et cetera. But who cares? At least I was able to conquer one thing.
And that helped put my bad day in its rightful place.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Not quitting yet
So, the daily posting slacked off a bit because I'm feeling guilty. I want to quit. I really want to quit. BFF Tina wants to quit. She thinks we are insane for continuing and really wants to know why this is the one time that I'm trying to NOT quit?! Why is this the time that I'm going to finish something I started??
And not in a defeating way, she says this, because she is BFF. But just, this is torture...
Freaky Friday at the compound this week found me finishing last at one of our relays again. And I meant LAST. I didn't even get to the second half of the relay because it was such a struggle for me to finish the first half. And the second half was the "cool" part - flipping the famous huge tire and dragging it across the parking lot. The first half was a burpee into a broad jump. Neither of which I'm very good at. So, it took me the whole time to make the cycle while all the other teams finished. Talk about humiliating! And then writing about it here on the WWW?
But I have promised myself that in order to try to be more consistent with blogging to write about both the good and the bad. To tell you about all of the ordeals of Heather's fat. It's a difficult journey to be a healthy person.
But here's the thing... Last night I was completely beat up. I literally felt like someone had been taking a baseball bat to my body and actually bludgeoning me. From the looks of my legs, it even seemed a bit true. But yet, in a really freaky way, it felt good. It was one of the first times that I even felt a tiny bit of the mental connection with the endorphin rush that everyone talks about. I understood that doing that much work was creating a physical change that made me want to try harder and get better.
Maybe I never will. Maybe that feeling will erode again. But at least I recognized that it was in there.
And that's why I didn't quit Friday.
Enjoy your weekend!
Heather
And not in a defeating way, she says this, because she is BFF. But just, this is torture...
Freaky Friday at the compound this week found me finishing last at one of our relays again. And I meant LAST. I didn't even get to the second half of the relay because it was such a struggle for me to finish the first half. And the second half was the "cool" part - flipping the famous huge tire and dragging it across the parking lot. The first half was a burpee into a broad jump. Neither of which I'm very good at. So, it took me the whole time to make the cycle while all the other teams finished. Talk about humiliating! And then writing about it here on the WWW?
But I have promised myself that in order to try to be more consistent with blogging to write about both the good and the bad. To tell you about all of the ordeals of Heather's fat. It's a difficult journey to be a healthy person.
But here's the thing... Last night I was completely beat up. I literally felt like someone had been taking a baseball bat to my body and actually bludgeoning me. From the looks of my legs, it even seemed a bit true. But yet, in a really freaky way, it felt good. It was one of the first times that I even felt a tiny bit of the mental connection with the endorphin rush that everyone talks about. I understood that doing that much work was creating a physical change that made me want to try harder and get better.
Maybe I never will. Maybe that feeling will erode again. But at least I recognized that it was in there.
And that's why I didn't quit Friday.
Enjoy your weekend!
Heather
Well
Maybe if I get to the onederland doing all this torture I might say its worth all the nervous breakdowns...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
post script
Now it's 10:49 pm and I'm back home. I've had
several cries. I'm not going to be able to explain the nervous
breakdown to you, though I may find myself trying. I am not an
athlete. I don't have an athlete's brain. When I'm letting people down
who are counting on me to pull through, it's emotionally crippling.
And then the hamster in my brain gets to be spinning, spinning, spinning
and I can't get him to stop. Because now its not just this set back,
it's every single setback that has ever occurred and created this person
who is over 200 lbs and can't figure out how to get her act together
once and for all. Or has it figured out, but doesn't have that inner
thing to make it happen. Same end result.
I'm just tired of this mental game. I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that.
I don't want to be this fat my whole life. But not because I don't want to be fat. It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of. If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?
You get that, don't you?
Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem. Some of you have. But it's all the same isn't it? I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life.
This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with. Or at least why I continued. Because it's not easy. You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail... Maybe you don't care that you're not alone? Then this isn't the blog for you. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you believe that your struggle is different. And that belief is rightly so. Your struggle IS different. You know what makes it the same? It's a struggle. It is hard to be healthy. It is hard to get strong. You face adversity and haters on every corner. Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters. It's a tricky game.
Maybe I won't ever jump on a box. Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon. Or be able to run a 5k. But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals. Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.
Whew.... Emotionally exhausted.
love to you all!
Heather
I'm just tired of this mental game. I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that.
I don't want to be this fat my whole life. But not because I don't want to be fat. It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of. If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?
You get that, don't you?
Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem. Some of you have. But it's all the same isn't it? I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life.
This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with. Or at least why I continued. Because it's not easy. You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail... Maybe you don't care that you're not alone? Then this isn't the blog for you. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you believe that your struggle is different. And that belief is rightly so. Your struggle IS different. You know what makes it the same? It's a struggle. It is hard to be healthy. It is hard to get strong. You face adversity and haters on every corner. Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters. It's a tricky game.
Maybe I won't ever jump on a box. Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon. Or be able to run a 5k. But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals. Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.
Whew.... Emotionally exhausted.
love to you all!
Heather
Apparently my inner bad ass went out for cookies
Tonight I had a panic attack in class and left. Before it was over. I'm writing this from the car while BFF Tina is still in.
I'm writing this so you fully know that I understand how hard it is to do this. And even when I'm feeling like I'm invincible my own bullshit gets in the way and says "you need to be careful. You need to know you get in the way of you."
But today is just today.
Today I'm Heather who had the panic attack and couldn't help her team with the log carry. That doesn't have to be who I am tomorrow. Because just yesterday I was Heather who threw a 200lb tire. So who knows what's real?
HPL
I'm writing this so you fully know that I understand how hard it is to do this. And even when I'm feeling like I'm invincible my own bullshit gets in the way and says "you need to be careful. You need to know you get in the way of you."
But today is just today.
Today I'm Heather who had the panic attack and couldn't help her team with the log carry. That doesn't have to be who I am tomorrow. Because just yesterday I was Heather who threw a 200lb tire. So who knows what's real?
HPL
Sorry about the delay... Hope you managed to survive. :)
The reason for no immediate post is we had to stay late and review our food journal. I believe that the pile my journal was in was compared to "cockroaches." Whatever. Am I strictly paleo? Nope. But I am eating way fewer carbs and processed food than I ever did before. I totally threw down on Saturday, because it was Sertoma and that's our annual favorite drunk fest. I really did eat like a cockroach, in fact I partied so much I may have eaten a cockroach -- who knows? Further, who cares? Good times!
I know that I could not be doing this much of the attempt at diet if it were not for BFF Tina. As I've mentioned, she's staying with us temporarily and has been in charge of food prep. It's been a huge help and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to let her move out. :( Having said that, there are lots of the diet that I like. I do like the challenge of figuring out what to eat. I like that I'm eating lots of fresh food and eating much less salt. It's just the time that it takes to fix this food all the time is crazy. I'm not sure how successful I would be sticking to it long term. Especially since my husband, God love him, does not really like a lot of vegetables and would definitely not be excited about eating some of the same things repeatedly.
The workout on Monday was a fair amount of running. We ran around the building twice. Right after that we had to all get into a simultaneous squat and we weren't started until everyone was in sync. Needless to say that was a bit of a time lag since people kept popping back up. (Ahem, sorry guys...) Then there was some running in and out of a ladder, running up and down and tapping a thing on the ground, jumping over hurdles and everyone's favorite the bear crawl. Inside activities including learning to dead lift, a few rounds of wall ball and push-ups.
One of my co-workers said something along the lines that I have a glowy way of talking about the boot camp. And, I guess I do. I am not good at the workouts. I am not fast, efficient, strong, anything. But every night that I give them the hour and quarter is an hour and quarter that I'm not just sitting around not changing my life. I like that. Sometimes when I'm praying for death in the workouts, I try to remind myself of this. Not as easy to remember then. But afterwards, I just feel good that I accomplished it.
BFF and I have talked about what we're going to do next. How we're going to keep up the momentum? I'm not sure. I really like the taking classes, but I do hate being out 3 nights a week and away from my husband. (Although perhaps he likes the peace? Who knows??) It's just that being out til after 9 and then having to come home and put together a day's worth of food for the next day and then getting up at dawn and starting again gets to be a bit taxing. As I frequently say, I have no idea how people with children do all the things they do. I can barely keep my own shit together.
Anyways, the hour grows close to the work out and I must go get sucked into my lycra and sports bra. I will probably do a belated bootcamp post for tonight so in the meantime, try a paleo blog! :)
hugs,
Heather
The reason for no immediate post is we had to stay late and review our food journal. I believe that the pile my journal was in was compared to "cockroaches." Whatever. Am I strictly paleo? Nope. But I am eating way fewer carbs and processed food than I ever did before. I totally threw down on Saturday, because it was Sertoma and that's our annual favorite drunk fest. I really did eat like a cockroach, in fact I partied so much I may have eaten a cockroach -- who knows? Further, who cares? Good times!
I know that I could not be doing this much of the attempt at diet if it were not for BFF Tina. As I've mentioned, she's staying with us temporarily and has been in charge of food prep. It's been a huge help and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to let her move out. :( Having said that, there are lots of the diet that I like. I do like the challenge of figuring out what to eat. I like that I'm eating lots of fresh food and eating much less salt. It's just the time that it takes to fix this food all the time is crazy. I'm not sure how successful I would be sticking to it long term. Especially since my husband, God love him, does not really like a lot of vegetables and would definitely not be excited about eating some of the same things repeatedly.
The workout on Monday was a fair amount of running. We ran around the building twice. Right after that we had to all get into a simultaneous squat and we weren't started until everyone was in sync. Needless to say that was a bit of a time lag since people kept popping back up. (Ahem, sorry guys...) Then there was some running in and out of a ladder, running up and down and tapping a thing on the ground, jumping over hurdles and everyone's favorite the bear crawl. Inside activities including learning to dead lift, a few rounds of wall ball and push-ups.
One of my co-workers said something along the lines that I have a glowy way of talking about the boot camp. And, I guess I do. I am not good at the workouts. I am not fast, efficient, strong, anything. But every night that I give them the hour and quarter is an hour and quarter that I'm not just sitting around not changing my life. I like that. Sometimes when I'm praying for death in the workouts, I try to remind myself of this. Not as easy to remember then. But afterwards, I just feel good that I accomplished it.
BFF and I have talked about what we're going to do next. How we're going to keep up the momentum? I'm not sure. I really like the taking classes, but I do hate being out 3 nights a week and away from my husband. (Although perhaps he likes the peace? Who knows??) It's just that being out til after 9 and then having to come home and put together a day's worth of food for the next day and then getting up at dawn and starting again gets to be a bit taxing. As I frequently say, I have no idea how people with children do all the things they do. I can barely keep my own shit together.
Anyways, the hour grows close to the work out and I must go get sucked into my lycra and sports bra. I will probably do a belated bootcamp post for tonight so in the meantime, try a paleo blog! :)
hugs,
Heather
Sunday, April 22, 2012
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