Confession

I've been posting my progress daily on my Facebook page. Today I wanted to send quick blog confirming I fell off the wagon last night. I had 2 glasses of wine and did not get up this morning and work out.

Do I blame it on my stressful job? Sure. Another problem with a rental property? A little. Still not quite successfully battling off Scott's creeping crud? Yup.

Does it matter? I've always had excuses. I always will. I will not fall off the blog wagon again though because of my failures and setbacks. So I'm keeping you in the loop as I fight the fight...

Heather 

As I lay WILF*'ing

So, I'm wilfing around the internet, killing time until I can try to get cracking on a work course that was down for maintenance until 3pm,  I found this awesome article on Facebook from NPR about a book on will power -- of all things!

Sometimes I think that if you just pay enough attention, there are pointers everywhere that tell you that you're heading in the right (or wrong) direction.  The article talks about a new book called, creatively enough, Willpower and it's by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  (Here is a link to article on NPR.)  These guys studied willpower, and while it's not something easy to study they did learn that it is possible.  The most interesting thing is that the more you use your willpower "muscle", the easier it is to fatigue it.  So, when you're really going to actively engage it, you should make it for something good because too many uses and it gets fatigued easily.

That's right.  You wear out your willpower muscle by the fact that you are using it.  In a way, this makes sense -- you wear out your non-psychological muscles by using them.  But, exercising them also makes them stronger -- and the same thing goes for your willpower!  Brilliant!  Further, exercising your willpower to do anything will lead to better self-control in other areas of your life.  For example, in one study they asked students to actively work to have better posture for a week.  At the end of the week, these students displayed a greater ability to exert self-control in areas that weren't related then students who hadn't been working on their posture.  How cool is that?? 

The reason that this is so cosmically kismet is because I decided to make last night my first serious attempt at having a farewell to indulgence tour.  Meaning, I went out and kicked it old school rock star style to get it all out of my system and, hopefully, enable me to settle into a slightly less rock star daily life.  My current plan is to take a page out of my inspiring, inspired reader (that was this recent post) and cut out drinking during the week.  Since many of you may not be part-time alcoholics, you may not recognize that this is a big deal.  Let me assure you.  It is a big deal.  This was one of the major ways that I saw success earlier this year -- I had significantly cut back the amount of drinking I was doing on weeknights.  As early morning workouts became the norm, the necessity of not over-indulging became more and more paramount.  Also, my job at that point was not at the stressful as hell level, which it has since devolved in to.  (When you hear that there have been tornadoes, tropical storms, or generally any kind of major natural disaster, just realize that somewhere not too far away there is a property claims adjuster eating cheetos and wine for dinner again and promising herself that tomorrow is going to be the day that she stops this behavior.  And usually, it isn't.)

SO.  This is a big step.  It is NOT going to be easy.  Therefore, the only thing I am working on right now is getting back to the gym in the morning and not drinking on nights when I have to work the next day.  I'm not going to start WW or any serious calorie monitoring yet.  I'm going to exercise my willpower muscle a little bit harder by combining these two things and we'll see how it goes.

I will try to continue to document both my success and failure here.

Still trying to think of a catchy sign-off,
Heather

*PS:  It has come to my attention that WILF is not in the lexicon.  Here is my Facebook comment/explantion:  Technically it's supposed to be WWILF -- it stands for "what was I looking for"? It goes something like this. I go on the internet to check my bank balance. Oh, the check to my hairdresser finally cleared. I'm gonna check Facebook and see what she's up to. What? So and so had a clam bake? I like clams. Maybe I"ll make clam chowder, let me find a recipe for that. Clams are really good. I wonder how much my friend in Boston pays for them. How much are tickets to Boston... THAT is WILF'ing. What WAS I looking for again???? ;-)

A reader's letter and my thoughts

 So, I got my first official reader letter over on my Facebook page today.  I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me here knows me over there, but just in case...  I'm a little on the fence about the Roberta Flack reference though.  ;-)

Sarah Bridget:  

Once again - its like you found my letters and read each one out loud. ;)

You DO continue to inspire, you know. Your inspiration isn't all linked to weight. A weight struggler myself, I was routing for you to "stay on the (workout) wagon" when you were away all that time for work because, while living in the hurricane catcher's mitt on the Gulf, at least 2 of my 20 lb weight losses were thwarted (and regained with interest) due to an unexpected jolt in life that messed with all my good behavior. Now, I am at my all-time heaviest.
 

Me: The funny thing is that I did really good while I was gone. I even lost 4 or 5 more pounds. I got down to a total of 25 lost from the 50 I had gained back. I mean, I was halfway back to where I was before -- when I wasn't even done. But still. I can't blame the travel -- I can only blame my butt's deep attraction to my recliner chair.

I joined the Y about 6 weeks ago. I am honestly sad when I look in the mirror. To me, I look like I'm wearing a fat suit makeup job when I put on my makeup in the morning. Should I be able to pinch an inch right under my ear? I feel like I'm losing my eyes under fat -- like people in fat suits look. But even THAT didn't make me take my gym visits seriously!

Me:  First, I know this feeling SO well.  You go out and you think you're looking all cute and then you catch a glimpse in a mirror or worse see a photo and it's just a spiral of depression.  I avoid reflective surfaces.  Sadly, this does not make me less fat.  Second, I have seen recent photos of Sarah and she does not in fact look like she has on a fat suit.  Which leads me to the truth that how we see ourselves is a much harsher, crueler reflection than what most people see when they see us.  It's a slippery slope to keep in check.  You need to realize that you're 1000 times harder on yourself than the people you think are silently judging you, but on the other hand you can't let this knowledge take you to the place of "well, maybe I'm actually very fit and just don't realize it."  Um, no.  That's a bridge too far.

Two things occurred: 2 weeks ago I pulled my back. I've had muscle strain before - but nothing that layed me out like this. I very nearly went to the ER out of fear that I'd slipped or pinched something important. I rested the whole rest of the holiday weekend. Last Friday - while returning to my desk in the office, it happened again and I was down another weekend. I gots shit to do - I can't be that kind of miserable every weekend! 

While I'd been layed up those 2 weekends, the world spent a lot of time remembering the events of 9/11. This, once again caused me to not only think of my own mortality, but also the last 10 years. They have been good to me, but I've gained about 60 lbs. That's too many lbs. My miserable layed up self also got to thinking that if I were ever in a TRULY trying moment like those survivors, in my condition, I'd perish.

So I saw a doctor. I didn't pinch or slip anything important. I pulled a bunch of muscles. I felt like I dodged a huge problem. Visions of surgeries and a lifetime of pills came to mind and I was so relieved that change was still in my grasp. Doc gave me mild muscle relaxers so that I can start to build my core. She told me what machines to find and what execises to do.

Me:  There's so much great stuff in all of this.  I too have gained about 60lbs in the last 10 years and I was no skinny minnie then.  But I was a pretty happy size 10/12.  Okay, more 12 then 10, but whatever.  First, the being laid up was something that Kiosk (who is one of my occasional commenters and the origin of my inspiration to work out in the first place) really hammered in to me in the early days when I kept trying to push myself and being so frustrated that I couldn't do more.  She's been healthy and active for a long time, but has dealt with many times with knee injuries that have left her debilitated and unable to work out.  She says that as bad as you feel when you can't work out as much as you want, what if you couldn't work out at all??  So, your injury -- while it sounds literally like a big old pain in the ass -- was Fate's way of taking your hand and saying -- listen girl, you got to get it together, mmmkay?  (No coincidence that Fate starts with fat, I think.)

Guess who is taking my gym visits seriously? AND - I'm not drinking during the week. That's MOST of my calories, really...sadly. I really miss it, but tomorrow is Friday. I'm not doing WW - but I have and I know it works. I'm using Livestrong.com's MyPlate. Its similar to WW online, only free.

Me:  Yeah.  The whole FEBOC (favorite evening beverage of choice) nightly has gots to go.  I was all gung-ho after your note and then I thought, you know it's Thursday -- who am I kidding here?  So, we'll try that next week!  That's definitely been my biggest issue all along, because my job is so friggin' stressful.  But, there are other ways of dealing with that then turning off my brain.  One of my favorite Twitter posts recently was something like "drugs and alcohol are bad, but feelings are worse."  SO true!! 
That's what I'm doing! Keep blogging, lady, I enjoy your posts. And NO one is judging you.

Take care,
Be well,
Sarah



And on those notes on this note, I'm out of here...  Thanks Sarah for being inspired and being inspiring yourself!  It is too bad that Ptown is like another country.  ;)

Keep on looking for good sign offs....
~Heather 

Fake it til you make it

So, I don't really feel like blogging.  "Thanks for boring us, Heather -- we'll switch back to Fox News..."


Wait, I just meant that I don't have much to say.  For so long I was on a roll, I was called inspirational -- more than once, and not by my mother -- so, that's a thing.  And I feel like now, I need to be on a roll and being inspirational or something in order to write stuff.  But here's the thing (write this down).......

Life can really suck sometimes.  It's not always easy to be motivational.

::phew::

 I feel better.  Don't you?  No?  Shit, well there I go again not being inspiring...

Therein lies the rub.  This summer when I had the Summer of Lovehandles (tm) in progress -- I DID think about "you" -- whoever you are.  Random Blog Readers.  I thought, "Those RBR are going to KNOW I fell off the wagon and they are shaking their heads, silently judging me."  And, well, I did a fair amount of that on my own.  Along with a lot of promises I knew I wasn't going to keep.

That's the thing with being fat and being inside the fat....You make a lot of promises publicly and privately that you know you're not going to keep, but still keep making them.  Because ONE DAY, it really IS going to be the last day you make that promise.  Now, maybe it's because it's the day you get hit by a bus or have a nasty heart attack, but hopefully it's because you've come to terms with your own mortality and decided hey, I don't want my hobby to be losing weight -- I want it to be keeping it off.

Because this losing and putting it back on?  For all of the novelty at the beginning???  Boring for the long run.  Depressing to face going to yet another WW meeting as a "first timer" -- I mean, it's my what time around?  How many times am I going to literally put lipstick on this pig?? 

I wish I could be as committed as Bitchcakes -- her last time she knew was her last time because she was going to stay until she finished.  And the thing for me is that I preach WW to everyone I know who's thinking about it because if you do it, it freaking works!  And, like I said, it's real.  You can fall back on the basics and even when you're sliding know enough to prevent a landslide.

Anyways...  This is another stream of consciousness posting.  I DO know that my desire to blog correlates with my desire to do this thing and that's a positive change.  I've been to the gym 3 times in under a week, which is sad but HUGE for me in comparison.  I'm faced with bad decisions by the hour and am inching towards making better ones (again) all the time...

I'll try to be better about posting.  You try to be better about... what?  What are YOU going to do?

------Heather

Tip-toe

So, I thought I was back in June, but clearly that was not the case.  Maybe I'm not back for good, maybe I am.  Let's just take this one post at a time, mmmkay Pumpkin?

My running joke has been that this was the Summer of Love Handles.  (I'm not sure if it can be called a joke if no one but me thinks it's funny, but whatever.)  And while I have been bad, (you know how I feel about this) I haven't done as bad as I would have thought.  The last time I wasn't too chicken to get on the scale, which wasn't TOO long ago, I was still at the 20lb loss I was before I left for CAT duty.  This is good and bad, since at one point I had gotten to a 25 lb loss -- but still not going over that, that's pretty good. 

I'm not sure what I can attribute the fact that it wasn't a complete backslide.  I like to think that I maintained some discipline regarding eating and drinking habits -- but I don't know that this was the case.  I still drink a fair amount of water, but not the 100 ounces I was up to before.  I still try to eat fairly decent food most of the day, but nighttime I frequently fall off the wagon both eating and drinking wise.  And then there's the exercise.  Of which there has been next to none. 

Now, Summer's almost over and I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready to get back on track.  I went to the gym this morning for the first time in forever.  This was HUGE for me.  It was really hard for me to start going to the gym in the first place this year earlier.  That was a big hurdle of fear and intimidation to overcome.  Back then, Scott always tried to tell me that no one cared what I was doing -- they were there to do there own thing.  I may have even posted his oh-so-delightful bathroom analogy.  Turns out, no one pointed or stared or laughed.  I got up at the crack of dawn and "only" did 20 minutes on the dreadmill.  I try to undermine the 20 minutes, but frankly I'm proud.  It's 20 more minutes than I've done in a while and hopefully it's a step (ha ha, step get it?) in the right direction.

And so is blogging again, right??  So, no promises that there will be tons of posts but I'm getting my toe back in so follow me again for updates!

Seriously, where the f* have you been...?

Hello....  hello...?


Yeah.  I stopped blogging.  I know.  I'm the one who did it, so you don't have to keep telling me, okay? It's kind of like people telling me I'm funny, like I don't know.  Most of the funny things I say, I say to amuse myself and I'm delighted if you happen to be amused too.  ;-)

If you had to guess the reason for the absence, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard. I fell off the wagon -- hard.

I had a big heaping, nasty tasting dose of reality and let me just tell you kids -- it ain't for suckers.  Staying on any kind of exercise or diet routine is difficult under ideal circumstances, especially since I was never someone who self-motivated well.  So, trying to stay on track while I was gone for so long and then returning home to bumps in the road...

I wound up being on CAT duty for about 5 weeks.  I returned home on May 23.  I worked out twice the entire time I was gone, but I did try to watch what I ate.  During the last part of my duty, I was sent to learn how to adjust hail damage claims so I was climbing a lot of roofs and much more active then if I was doing what I did in the first half of my duty.  This contributed to me not only being able to maintain what I had lost up until I left for CAT duty, but also managed to drop another 4 lbs.  I attribute this in part to the decision to purchase a scale when I arrived at my last destination so I could stay on top of my weight. 

Upon returning home, I had a multitude of excuses for why I couldn't go back to the gym right away.  I planned to go right after Memorial Day, treating Memorial Day like the New Year's Eve of summer I called it...  Then over Memorial Day weekend I got horrifically sunburned and the idea of putting on tight clothing and exerting myself (one of my worst burns was the top of my feet -- where I neglected to put suntan lotion) was just too much to bear.  Then when I just had started to recover from that, I developed some kind of summer chest congestion with difficulty breathing and a lovely cough and stuffed nose.  Can't really exercise if you can't breathe...  When that finally abated, I frankly just had a bad case of the lazies.  I was already out of the habit and finding the will again was getting harder and harder.  And THEN -- my mom broke her hip and there was/is hospitals, rehab, drama which lends itself to a whole lot of drinking and not a lot of exercising.  Sure, it's a great tension reliever -- if you can make yourself go!!

SO.  Here we are, now a full month that I have been home from CAT duty and still not back at the gym training for that triathlon.  I have still maintained a minimum 20 lb weight loss and fluctuate down to almost 24, but not in the Onederland yet.  I want to be healthy and I want to be active, but when life bitch slaps you around it can be super hard to get motivated to get back on track.

BUT, I have some NSV's -- found a pair of white capri pants that fit and look good (any fat girl will tell you how hard this is), planning a VERY active vacation that we leave for next week and have generally maintained fairly good eating habits -- except for the drinking.  My new resolution is to get back to the gym when we get back from vacation.  I'm ready to get back in the habit and treat myself right again.  Some of the motivating factors have been the handful of people who do read my blog and tell me how motivating they think I am and how much they appreciate my sharing what I'm going through.  That really means a lot to me and helps me get focused on what's important -- ME!  And also, friends that I have that are in the same boat.  I had a chat with a girlfriend at work today who was beating herself up about how much she's let herself go and how unhappy she is with where she is.  She finally joined a gym and has started going.  And I basically told her (and now, you -- my 4 readers) -- forget the past.  It doesn't matter.  You are wasting energy beating yourself up for basically being a human female.  Life happens and when you have a lot on your plate, you want to put a lot on your plate!  Just accept the fact that you made these mistakes and then find the way to move forward and congratulate yourself for any step you take in the right direction.  Even if you "only" went to the gym one day this week, that was probably one day more than you went the week before.  And I bet one more day than you really felt like going -- am I right?  But you went anyways.  THAT'S the point.  Every teeny tiny thing you do does count -- it may not make the scale move quickly, but it's a step in regaining your confidence in yourself that you can do this thing.

Because you know what, we CAN do this thing!  Now get out there and let's kick some ass...  I mean, after I get back from vacation...