A reader's letter and my thoughts

 So, I got my first official reader letter over on my Facebook page today.  I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me here knows me over there, but just in case...  I'm a little on the fence about the Roberta Flack reference though.  ;-)

Sarah Bridget:  

Once again - its like you found my letters and read each one out loud. ;)

You DO continue to inspire, you know. Your inspiration isn't all linked to weight. A weight struggler myself, I was routing for you to "stay on the (workout) wagon" when you were away all that time for work because, while living in the hurricane catcher's mitt on the Gulf, at least 2 of my 20 lb weight losses were thwarted (and regained with interest) due to an unexpected jolt in life that messed with all my good behavior. Now, I am at my all-time heaviest.
 

Me: The funny thing is that I did really good while I was gone. I even lost 4 or 5 more pounds. I got down to a total of 25 lost from the 50 I had gained back. I mean, I was halfway back to where I was before -- when I wasn't even done. But still. I can't blame the travel -- I can only blame my butt's deep attraction to my recliner chair.

I joined the Y about 6 weeks ago. I am honestly sad when I look in the mirror. To me, I look like I'm wearing a fat suit makeup job when I put on my makeup in the morning. Should I be able to pinch an inch right under my ear? I feel like I'm losing my eyes under fat -- like people in fat suits look. But even THAT didn't make me take my gym visits seriously!

Me:  First, I know this feeling SO well.  You go out and you think you're looking all cute and then you catch a glimpse in a mirror or worse see a photo and it's just a spiral of depression.  I avoid reflective surfaces.  Sadly, this does not make me less fat.  Second, I have seen recent photos of Sarah and she does not in fact look like she has on a fat suit.  Which leads me to the truth that how we see ourselves is a much harsher, crueler reflection than what most people see when they see us.  It's a slippery slope to keep in check.  You need to realize that you're 1000 times harder on yourself than the people you think are silently judging you, but on the other hand you can't let this knowledge take you to the place of "well, maybe I'm actually very fit and just don't realize it."  Um, no.  That's a bridge too far.

Two things occurred: 2 weeks ago I pulled my back. I've had muscle strain before - but nothing that layed me out like this. I very nearly went to the ER out of fear that I'd slipped or pinched something important. I rested the whole rest of the holiday weekend. Last Friday - while returning to my desk in the office, it happened again and I was down another weekend. I gots shit to do - I can't be that kind of miserable every weekend! 

While I'd been layed up those 2 weekends, the world spent a lot of time remembering the events of 9/11. This, once again caused me to not only think of my own mortality, but also the last 10 years. They have been good to me, but I've gained about 60 lbs. That's too many lbs. My miserable layed up self also got to thinking that if I were ever in a TRULY trying moment like those survivors, in my condition, I'd perish.

So I saw a doctor. I didn't pinch or slip anything important. I pulled a bunch of muscles. I felt like I dodged a huge problem. Visions of surgeries and a lifetime of pills came to mind and I was so relieved that change was still in my grasp. Doc gave me mild muscle relaxers so that I can start to build my core. She told me what machines to find and what execises to do.

Me:  There's so much great stuff in all of this.  I too have gained about 60lbs in the last 10 years and I was no skinny minnie then.  But I was a pretty happy size 10/12.  Okay, more 12 then 10, but whatever.  First, the being laid up was something that Kiosk (who is one of my occasional commenters and the origin of my inspiration to work out in the first place) really hammered in to me in the early days when I kept trying to push myself and being so frustrated that I couldn't do more.  She's been healthy and active for a long time, but has dealt with many times with knee injuries that have left her debilitated and unable to work out.  She says that as bad as you feel when you can't work out as much as you want, what if you couldn't work out at all??  So, your injury -- while it sounds literally like a big old pain in the ass -- was Fate's way of taking your hand and saying -- listen girl, you got to get it together, mmmkay?  (No coincidence that Fate starts with fat, I think.)

Guess who is taking my gym visits seriously? AND - I'm not drinking during the week. That's MOST of my calories, really...sadly. I really miss it, but tomorrow is Friday. I'm not doing WW - but I have and I know it works. I'm using Livestrong.com's MyPlate. Its similar to WW online, only free.

Me:  Yeah.  The whole FEBOC (favorite evening beverage of choice) nightly has gots to go.  I was all gung-ho after your note and then I thought, you know it's Thursday -- who am I kidding here?  So, we'll try that next week!  That's definitely been my biggest issue all along, because my job is so friggin' stressful.  But, there are other ways of dealing with that then turning off my brain.  One of my favorite Twitter posts recently was something like "drugs and alcohol are bad, but feelings are worse."  SO true!! 
That's what I'm doing! Keep blogging, lady, I enjoy your posts. And NO one is judging you.

Take care,
Be well,
Sarah



And on those notes on this note, I'm out of here...  Thanks Sarah for being inspired and being inspiring yourself!  It is too bad that Ptown is like another country.  ;)

Keep on looking for good sign offs....
~Heather