Deployed

I'm deployed for catastrophe duty.  Day 2 and while it HAS already been hard with diet and exercise, but let's keep it in perspective...








There are a lot of people, in a lot of need.  If I can do anything to alleviate the suffering of even one person affected by this?  Then that's what it's all about.

Stay safe and hug your families.  I'll try to post once we get into a routine, but it will probably be a while.

hugs,

Heather

Saboteur, revisited

Nothing like sending a call-out asking for folks to join you for a dance party and get no response.  Awkward.  :)  Anyways...

Back on July 31, I told you that I was going to start posting a monthly weight log.  This was so I could keep track of my progress by reviewing my old blog posts and to keep me accountable for the goal I had set for myself of losing 5 lbs a month.  As you also know from subsequent posts, I have not maintained that target.  Although, if you count all the minor ups and downs over the weeks since then I may have actually lost the 15 lbs that I intended to have lost by now.  *sigh*

It's funny how when I put things out there, it can sometimes sabotage me.  But, who am I kidding?  What am I blaming the universe because it's out there.  ("Oh no, it's out there -- what will we do?!")  I'm the one who sabotages myself.   Let's say that again in a centered line with some effects for emphasis:

I'm the one who sabotages myself.

Perhaps a tattoo is in order?  In reverse on my forehead so I can read it whenever I look in the mirror?  Well, perhaps that's a bit too harsh.  Even for me.  Because I think that sometimes you need to look at maintaining as being as good as losing.  And these fluctuations on the scale where it goes up and down about 5 lbs over short periods of time, that's how I honestly look at them.  This is maintaining.  I'll go up a pound or so, I'll go down a pound or so.  I haven't gone over the 190 by much or for any length of time.  Here recently I'm staying pretty consistently in the 180's, I just haven't been able to break under 185.  I've got every excuse under the book and some of them are darned good.  Promotion, free tickets to the wine festival, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!  I lead myself out of temptation as much as I can, but it just doesn't take much for me to find the temptation again.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I make goals that I'm, obvioulsy, not good at sticking to.  But, I keep my eye on the prize and I am not going to give up.  I am never going to give up on myself again.  Let's put that in the same eye-catching way, shall we?

I am NEVER going to give up on myself again.

I've been on this journey that you've been reading about since January 1, 2011.  It's never been quick. (I've even written about this very topic about sabotaging when I was going through a similar wobble phase.)  I'm a bit more impatient with myself because I'm more than halfway to my goal weight, but I can't let my impatience deter my commitment or belief in myself.  This is why I forgive myself these moments of wavering.  I still go to fat church, I'm still finding ways to get activity in, I still do a really good job of tracking most of the time and I'm still SO much more disciplined than I ever was before.  Maybe I'm not losing weight right now, but maybe there's a reason for that.  Maybe it IS important to take the journey slow and really settle in to each 5 pound loss to make sure that I'm comfortable with the steps it takes to get there.  This is really old weight that I'm losing now.  Maybe I WON'T get to my goal by my 40th birthday as I've been hoping.  But I will get there.  

                                However long it takes.

hugs,

Heather

Dance parties

You want to know the best way to unwind? Dancing. A little. A lot. It's good. I went out for a short time and got bit by the bug. Wouldn't it be fun to go somewhere and dance to all the stuff that WE came of age dancing to?! Late 80's thru early 00's before we had kids and furry kids and opinions and grown up jobs and lives...

Lets find a date and a place and let's have a dance-a-thon like back in high school!!!
Who.
    Is.
        In??

We can call it Dance a THIN.  :)

What I have found is that when I am at home and dancing by myself, and this happens more than you think, that what I am really doing is incorporating a lot of the moves I learned in kickboxing.  It's not really dancing, so much as it's cooler (well, in my head anyways) jazzercise.  I think it would be fun to get a bunch of women together, choose a playlist that we actually get excited about and just dance for a few hours.  Burn off some stress and have some fun

Seriously -- who's interested?

Cuz otherwise it'll be me dancing with myself -- oh, oh, oh...

hugs,

Heather

True Confessions - Fat Church, Food, and Alcoholism.... :)

You know how I frequently refer to Weight Watchers as Fat Church?  Well, I looked through my archives and it looks like I never told you why.  I hope that my more religious readers do not get offended.  I mean NO harm!

I'm sure for the most part it's obvious.  There's the prayer before you get on the scale.  The weekly sermon done by your leader.  (Even the occasional guest pastor.)  The collection is the weekly items they are pitching.  The Bible is your Getting Started Guide and you refer to your various Commandments -- the Healthy Guidelines.  I won't go super sacrilegious and try to figure out who our God is, so I'll wrap up with saying further that WW is actually most reminds of Catholic Church because there is confession!

And this is what inspired this post tonight.  Food confessions!  What woman in America does nohet do this?!  It is the most satisfying thing ever!  There is nothing more that I like than to share with my closest   friends that food confessions.  When I tell them about something horribly decadent that I did and I expose it to another person, it just makes me feel better.  Usually they will share something they did.  Or they'll just say, "I was so HORRIBLE!"  Like having a strawberry daiquiri is the highway to hell or something.  Isn't it great?  Don't you feel so much better when you hear that other people are just as crazy as you?!  Then what inspires me to get active and work harder and do better is these same women that I have shared these stories with will then tell me about all of the awesome active things they did to counterbalance that food weakness.  It's really, truly inspiring.  They will always minimize what they do, but trust me -- it's more than I do before 5 in the morning!

This is what I like the best about good Fat Churches.  They're not all built the same, you know.  It's all about the pastor and the congregation.  I've recently been dabbling with trying to find another meeting to go to.  I usually go Wednesday nights.  But just going to one other meeting and I knew that I just really like the Wednesday night group a lot.  Our leader is really awesome.  She really has been there, she really does understand and she really is an example of what you can accomplish if you just believe (faith!).  She makes sure that we discuss the weekly topic but in a way that really incorporates group participation.  But best of all, she encourages confession -- even if she does tease us a little about it.  We confess some of the more audacious things we have done and our perceived failures and she gives us encouragement to do better, be better and we feel recommitted.  The group has clearly known each and been losing together for a while.  And I confess to feeling like an outsider, even though I've been going for more than 16 weeks.  Granted not religiously to this meeting, but enough so that I keep waiting to pass the threshold and feel like an "insider."

So, in honor of this tradition here is my food confession today...  We had a potluck at work today to honor our friend Wanda who is moving on within the company to even more exciting ventures.  (Good luck Wanda!)  There was so much good food and I indulged in some tastes of everything.  Amazing pork barbecue, baked chicken, pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins -- even I baked!  (Muffins that were 2 PPV's each, thank you very much!)  I calculated my points for everything (ugh, hard confession -- 13) and my BFAW and I walked for a long time after to work off just a tiny portion of our indulgence -- and our work frustration!  (Not truly frustration, after all -- I did just get promoted!)  Then tonight, Scott wanted pizza for dinner and I didn't have the creativity to disagree, so I went along and had two slices.  He DID get me spinach and tomato, like I like but that was 9 PPV's.  And then after dinner, I'm trying to get better about drinking moderately during the week...  (Hard confession -- I have had wine Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  Which means I've only been on the wagon Monday and tonight, but baby steps right?)  Where was I?  Oh, tonight after dinner.  I got the munchies, so I had an apple with 2 tablespoons of sunbutter.  (How much do I LOVE sunbutter?)  That was 5 more points.  Needless to say it was a robust day.  I did spend it trying to make good decisions, but I'd be lying if it feels that way now.  My stomach feels thick and I just feel so bloated.

It's going to be ANOTHER indulgent weekend.  I'm going to be looking for ways to fit activity in between and try to minimize the damage.

Wish me luck, but no matter what I'll confess it all here!

hugs,

Heather

Researching controversial theories

I am about to impart to you, my dedicated readers, a theory which I believe may be considered controversial...  Let's start with an excerpt from a boring research paper.

  There is a cognitive bias known as the halo effect that serves to benefit people who are considered attractive.   People who are seen as attractive are considered to have a greater range of special qualities and abilities – even if they do not actually possess those abilities.[1]   People who benefit from the halo effect have an easier time making friends, getting into good schools and getting jobs.  Being pretty is considered a virtue in and of itself.  But, if there is a halo effect that allows people to ascribe positive traits to someone simply based on appearance, then there must also be a reverse halo effect.  If someone is unattractive, then they are imbued with negative qualities. In America, nothing is considered more unattractive than being fat.  Fat people are regularly associated with stereotypes about gluttony, sloth and greed – thus assigning a morality slant to their extra weight.[2]  The biases associated with these stereotypes are the last acceptable prejudice in America, because obesity is considered a controllable condition.[3]  Further, the bias is so pervasive that even fat people carry this prejudice.[4] 

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- this is from my own boring research paper. So, sue me. Anyways, the reason that I'm sharing this is because after you spend 20 pages and hours of research and so forth, the topic of fat bias tends to stick with you... And here's my theory. I think that one of the things that has contributed to my recent promotion has been the combination of the reverse halo effect AND the halo effect. I was at my highest weight when I started in property. Or at least, heading in that direction, as you know from when I posted this (fair warning: there is a hideous fat picture in this link)... I was pretty confident, but not confident that I was pretty. And when you are a person who is ultimately as vain as I am, even when I am self-loathing, this is a hard place to be. It's hard to think that you're going to be good at anything when you're not even comfortable in your own skin. And I didn't feel like I was great at my job, really, and I didn't feel comfortable that I was going to fit in and succeed and whatever. And the thing is that while success at my job is in large part based on how good you actually are at doing your job, there is also some politics and putting on the show and "dressing for the job you want to get rather than the one you have."

I started my weight loss journey for the last time when I started this blog in January of 2011. From that time, my image has slowly been evolving. People gradually started seeing me differently and, I believe, perceiving what I was capable of doing differently -- not because my own ability had actually changed, but because I was physically changing into something that more closely resembled what was/is considered "normal."

A good friend recently made a comment about someone whom we happened to run into that this person had lost a considerable amount of weight and then she "blossomed." (Good friend, I hope you do not mind me using this story as I am not naming names.) I have marinated on this a lot. Anyone who has lost a bit of weight knows what it is like to suddenly have people start paying attention to you because you look different. It is weird. It is empowering, but it is weird. People want to know what you're doing and get advice. They want to apologize for what they're eating. They want to know what you're eating. But the point is -- they notice you. And while I may have been noticed before in a negative way because of the reverse halo effect, it seems more magnified because the halo effect makes me (in my not-so-humble opinion) more attractive because I have taken the weight off, removed this huge stigma and seem like a committed person. Which in turn, could potentially have contributed to me seeming to be the best possible candidate. Not only because I rocked the interview (again, not so humble) but because I exude a persona of being able to get things done. And whyyy do I exude this persona? Because I have lost 40 pounds. To you, I am physically different and this equates to me being different. But am I different? Did I truly "blossom" or was I this person all along and it's just more acceptable because I look better??

And think about the last line from that excerpt -- even fat people carry this bias. People who are overweight are prejudiced against themselves. Again, 20 pages, there's a lot more data to support this. But suffice it to say, when you are an overweight person, there is someone in your head who is telling you that you deserve to feel ugly and not fit in, et cetera. And to go from being that person to having a morning filled with people coming up and talking to me as their weight loss spiritual leader? I love this. It makes me feel great that people see me as this inspiring person as part of their own journey. It makes me want to be better (see also: WW Weeklies have timely messages) and isn't that good too?

So maybe my promotion was due to the reverse halo effect colliding with the halo effect -- who cares? Halo or horns, the job is mine and I am going to rock it!

Let's end this whole thing with the cute quote I used on the cover page of said paper:

“No diet will ever remove all of the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.  Without a brain, you might look good but all you could do is run for public office.” – George Bernard Shaw

 hugs,

Heather

I had a bad weigh in...

...at Fat Church last night and I just wanted a visual reminder that what I'm doing IS working, I am trending downward (even if it is slower than I'd like) and I will do this.

Thought for the day

From the WW Weekly: "Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." -- Kobi Yamada

I love this!!