It's not you, it's me -- the break up blog

Hello...  and goodbye...

So often, your favorite blogs just gradually fizzle out.  Kind of like what I've been doing.  Fizzling, fizzling... I'm doing things, I'm not doing things.

Kind of like you, right?

The weather's getting warmer, you're getting out there and getting active and feeling more motivated, right?   Me too!  You're pulling out your summer clothes and kind of dreading trying them on because you're not positive they will still fit, right?  Me too!  You're making promises about all the change you're going to make and hey, it's summer so you're going to be able to keep them because it's so nice outside, right?  Me too!

You know what we'll be doing in what will feel like just a few short weeks?  Complaining about how hot it is and how hard it is to get active because you're just so sweaty.  And sure eating fruits and veggies is easier -- but doesn't beer and chips and salsa taste so much better?  And you sure did burn a ton of calories on that walk around the block, right?

So.  It's the circle of life.  I'm going to keep doing stuff to stay active and improve my life and keep my general outlook crabbily optimistic.  I'm just not going to write about it here anymore.  Maybe I'll have another blog again -- I've had so many, hard to imagine not writing and pretending like someone wants to read what I have to say.  I think that writing with the singular focus of losing weight has just lost its appeal for me.  Maybe it is because I have drifted off course.  Maybe it's because I'm tired of bragging or explaining or justifying or flaunting or whatever trend I was on...

People did tell me I motivated them, especially in the beginning.  If you were motivated, please know that in turn that this motivated me.  To do more and try harder and show you that whatever you want to do -- you can.

I still believe this.  I really do.  I'm just kind of at a happy comfort phase right now.  I'm getting active again and have found that I am really enjoying these boot camp experiences.  There have been no nervous breakdowns like last year.  (Linky: inner bad ass went out for cookies and post script)  I am doing a round two with the Hampton Roads Adventure Boot Camp (there's a Groupon for it that expires tonight but they run specials all the time.  And hey, if you buy it can you tell Adam that I referred you??)  starting next week.  My eating habits are not great, but much better than they were a few years ago.

 I still struggle with my self-image, I probably always will.  I am really working on that.  Frankly, that's part of why this is my last blog entry about this part of my journey.  I am desperately trying to get to a place where I can self-validate.  Where I believe that I am an attractive, worthy person.  Yes, I just put that out there.  So, I'm trying to find the balance.  I've ALWAYS been trying to find the balance.  I want to be more active, I want to find ways that make me want to be active.  I want to eat better, I want to find ways to WANT to eat better.  And on, and on.  I'm not really focused so much on losing weight or getting to a number anymore.  I just want to be active, I want to be healthy and most importantly, I want to continue to look mahvelous! 

I'm you.  I'm just more out there about it than you are.  That's okay.  You're going to do okay.  You had the power all along friends.

And again, I'll probably just be back in some other bloggy format.  Some day.  But for now --

Goodbye and good luck and much hugs!

Heather

Yes, I did say cranky cocoon

When we last met our heroine (that's me!), she was preparing for the health risk assessment and facing the dread of not meeting what felt like a small goal.  But friends, the gods were with me that day -- their scale was off and they thought I weighed like 4 pounds less than I did at home.  And then as a courtesy, they take an extra 3 lbs off for your clothes.

Listen, I'm not being hard on myself.  I weighed myself at home before I left so I would be prepared for the bad news.  I'm pretty sure that I did not lose 7 lbs on the drive to work.  But whatever!  I'll take it.  It means that I did lose the 10% and our company gives us a little bonus for achieving that goal.  Winning!

Also, my boot camp finally started.  It was delayed til tonight due to weather conditions.  Loved it.  It was a good workout but the trainer is not a punisher.  Actively does not believe in being a punisher so there was none of that feeling like a loser because I can't do things.  Just a good workout.  I am in love!  With exercise, not the trainer.

That's right.  I just typed the sentence I am in love with exercise.  Hilarious.  But I have been so friggin' cranky lately and everything seems to set me off.  It was so great to have an outlet to push some of that crap out.

Did I cuss and fuss the whole time?  Of course!  Did I rock the push-ups and the dips and squats?  Um, no.  Have we met?  But just doing the damned thing.

I was so nervous driving over there.  Luckily BFF Tina talked to me for a while and distracted me.  And as soon as I got there and saw that, as promised, the women (or the ladies as the trainer kept calling us) were a variety of shapes and sizes and fitness levels.  I found some ladies to chum up to, and good thing because we had to get in groups of three and I would have been awkward person out if I hadn't put on the Heather show.  Hooray for the Heather Show!

And hooray for exercise -- I'm starting to feel like there's a crack in my cranky cocoon and this butterfly can emerge and enjoy the Spring!

Endorphins rock!

(((hugs)))

Heather

Can't you read the signs?

We have our annual health risk assessment this week.  Does your company do these things?  It's a 20 minute deal where they weigh, measure, poke and prod you.  Every year, the assessment is always the same -- I am super healthy except for being so fat.  It's almost like they're surprised that I'm so healthy when they share the numbers with me.

I'm just really excited because it's yet another opportunity to feel bad about how far off the wagon I've gone.  Nothing's better than that, right?  See, at one point I only needed to lose two pounds in order to get to a weight that would represent a 10% weight loss since last year.  Two pounds. That is nothing.  Except when it's everything.  As the day approaches, I just feel more and more glum.

I mean, by now it's even more than 2 pounds, but that's only because of the sabotage over the 2 pounds. Look, I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but you're the one eating up this shit like it's some grand wisdom so what does that say about you?  :)

I'm trying to deal with it.  I'm looking ahead.  The goal would have been nice to achieve but as I just wrote about, I just couldn't do it.  I'm still trying to get my head in the game.

Here are some things that I'm taking as signs I'm heading in the right direction...  Next week the boot camp starts up.  I'm finally really turning the corner on the Tidewater crud and think I should have renewed lung capacity soon.  There was very little coughing today and most of the weekend was good in that regard too.    Still, I am scared to DEATH of starting this thing by myself and still am not entirely sure what I was thinking when I signed up.  I have thought about emailing them dozens of times requesting to reschedule, under the guise of concern about my ability to exercise after being half-assed sick for so long...  But I know deep down that this is a cop-out and I'm trying to make a come-back here people!

Next, I cooked something this weekend!  Anyone that knows me knows that this a crazy concept, but I was hankering for both spaghetti squash and pad thai and found a recipe that allowed me to have both.  OMG.  It was so very good.  (Here's the recipe.  I know her blog is much prettier than mine, but please remember to come back okay?)  In addition, I bought ingredients to recreate a sandwich that I had this weekend but in a healthier way.  The sandwich was at Panera and was a panini that had turkey with artichoke-parmesan spread and apples.  There were a lot of other ingredients, but I'm not trying to be Paula Deen y'all.  I'm going to recreate it with a light Alouette spread, rotisserie chicken and Granny Smith apples.  I can't wait to try it!

And final sign that I'm heading in the right direction -- I signed up for a Glo in the Dark fun run in part because it was "only" 2 miles.  Besides, it's the night before Sertoma -- what better way to pre-game for an all-day drunk fest than a 2 mile jog followed by beer?!

Okay, so the signs aren't ALL pointing that I'm shaping up -- but seriously, I'm gonna stop going to Sertoma as soon as the only people going have their original, God-given faces.  :)

(((HUGS)))
Heather

Excuses, excuses -- excused?

Okay, so I haven't been keeping you posted about life in the comfort zone.  Really, are you surprised?

So, here's my big bag of whining and excuses.  It's gonna be good!

Remember my support group from Facebook?  Well, we got together in person a couple of times for activity dates.  Both times, I injured myself in my booty by falling.  One of the bruises was so incredibly epic that even though it was on my butt, I posted a picture on Facebook.  (See also, this is how it feels to be shameless.)

The second time I fell on my butt was not long after that horrible thing finally healed and I decided in a move that can only be explained by a moment of insanity coupled with extreme over-confidence that our group should go roller skating.  I have wanted to do this for years.  I'm not kidding.  Many dates were made and broken to go skating.  I just wanted to know if I still knew how to do it and if it was like I remembered.  Well, I sort of remembered how to do it, but I never really got comfortably in the groove..  Mostly because every time I got a good speed going and started feeling comfortable, I would lose my balance and fall.  A grand total of 4 times.  And let me be graphically, disgustingly clear about the pain of the last fall -- it was so hard and so painful that I literally thought that I had broken my actual asshole.  Then I realized that wasn't possible, but this did not alleviate my pain.  The pain which continued for quite a few weeks.

This happened while I was prepping for a part in The Vagina Monologues at ODU.  I was really lucky to have had the opportunity to participate in this show.  Normally it's only students and faculty who get to participate, but I got the opportunity through connection to faculty.  Being in the show was on my bucket list, and to get to be in the show with the amazing group of women that I did really meant a lot to me.  I had a part that was WAY out of my comfort zone and had a total blast doing it.  The title of my monologue was The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy and I wore a pleather catsuit during the performance, if this gives you any indication of the extremity of what was involved.

You'd think that being on stage in a catsuit in front of dozens of people would have inspired me to break out of my comfort zone and start getting back into shape.  But, I was dealing with back to back back injuries.  Walking was painful, much less the bouncing that goes along with any type of cardio.  And then during the second night of performance my voice broke and the next day I had a full on attack of what we locals call "the Tidewater crud."

Tidewater crud manifests itself differently in different people, but generally it's some type of congestion.  Some have horrible clogged sinuses, constantly blowing their noses in search of relief.  Some have painful, scratchy sore throats -- one friend even lost her voice for a period of time.  Some have horrible chest congestion and racking coughs.  That's been my primary symptom -- since February 9, which is almost 3 weeks.  I went to the doctor and they called it a sinus infection.  Yeah, all of Hampton Roads has simultaneously gotten a sinus infection -- something that is not supposed to be contagious.  Sure.  I've decided that they just haven't gotten Tidewater Crud as an official CDC recognized disease, so they have to call it sinus infection.

Weeks and weeks of not being able to work out even if/when I wanted to.  It's so frustrating that I have developed workout envy.  A co-worker had a 3 night a week date with a personal trainer who worked her out boot camp style.  Several friends are participating in the Shamrock 8k, which I was planning to train for.  Facebook friends are posting about workouts and training and I have actual envy that I cannot do these things.  I try to do even little bits, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator but when this devolves into extreme coughing fits and much time trying to regain my breath, I have to acknowledge my limitation.  I have been to the doctor (hence the bs diagnosis) and am on some medication, but it's not improved much thus far.  It's so disappointing.  I have never wanted to workout as much as I have as these issues progress.  I even bought a groupon for a boot camp style workout that is scheduled to start March 12.  I am actively looking forward to the punishing workouts.

It's hard because I know that the issues are actual reasons not to workout.  It's not unreasonable not to workout when you are in pain or have trouble breathing, but it just feels like I'm making excuses.  But here's how I know the difference -- I have been making excuses for my diet issues.  I have justified my poor habits because I haven't felt good and, as usual, am seeking comfort.  Isn't this how I started down this whole slippery path to begin with?  My bum hurts, my chest is congested -- clearly the solution must lie on the bottom of a bag of crunchy junk food that I just have to eat my way to the bottom of.  Ugh.

Anyway, there's no nice neat bow to tie this all up with, other than this -- despite all of this, I am staying pretty close to my starting weight.  Hopefully I will be able to maintain that for a little while longer until I can find the track and get back on it again.  Wish me luck!

(((HUGS)))

Heather

Redefining the comfort zone

Redefine comfort zone

I talk about the comfort zone a lot (here is one example and within that example there is a link to another post).  I think the comfort zone gets a bad rap.  While in some cases, the bad rap is deserved but that's not what I'm going to be talking about today.

I'm in a phase right now where I am having a hard time pushing forward towards actually working on my weight loss again.  I work out intermittently.  I am getting worse and worse about tracking for Weight Watchers.  I'm scared to sign up for the 8k, even though I'd have some really cool people to run with from our Facebook weight loss challenge group.  (Well, maybe not with but at the same time or something.)  I'm setting up road blocks and excuses for myself all the time and just feeling worse and worse about myself.

And these feelings of self-hatred obviously have me very concerned...  Because in the past, when I have been in the phases of the comfort zone, I use this as an excuse to spiral ever further downwards.  That trend has already begun, with an episode of pantry eating just this past week.  (Pantry eating is when I stand in the pantry and just mindlessly eat anything I can get my hands on.  It's always a dirty feeling and that feeling gets compounded when the automatic pantry light turns off while I'm standing there.)  What's worse is that I went to Weight Watchers last week and only gained .6 pounds.  Frankly, this was a bad thing because I really needed to be punished for my bad behavior.  And this need to feel punished really led me to an epiphany...

Why do I need to be punished?  Aren't I punishing myself enough?  Maybe I'm not being quite as horrible as I think I am and maybe I need to ease up on myself just a bit.

So I am making a conscious decision now to purposely stay at or about my current weight.  For a little while.  I feel like if I am making a deliberate, mindful decision that I will have better control over the comfort zone.  After all, I cannot stay at my current weight by pantry eating and not working out at all.  Those things will lead to weight gain.  I cannot stay here by repeatedly making poor diet decisions.  I will have to work out, but I won't have to beat myself up if I'm not able to stick to a Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday plan I made for myself.  In fact, I won't have to beat myself up at all as long as I'm staying at my current weight.

How long am I going to stay here?  Who knows?  You all know how flaky I am and how often I commit to doing different things that don't work out.  This is what's going on inside Heather's fat this week -- maybe I'll get sick of it and get recommitted.  Maybe I'll realize that this is not where I want to be and step up my game.  Maybe I'll decide that this is where I want to be and finally relax for a while.

Whichever way it goes, you know I'll tell you about it here.

(((HUGS)))

Heather

Why would you do that after all of your hard work?!

I have a coworker friend that we'll just call Susan, because that's her name. She is also one of my 4 readers and the reason behind many of my blog topics. We'll have a conversation and it will find its way here. She listens to and supports all of my highs AND lows.

This past Friday night I had another one of my famous backslides. And I'm not really even so far ahead that we can be calling them BACKslides yet can we?? I digress. I partied hearty. I tracked some of it, but after your (ahem, throat clearing)th shot you tend to lose track. This caused me to be in such a bad state Saturday that I not only didnt get my makeup workout in, I ate a lot of crap that I normally wouldn't have just to try to feel normal again. It was regrettable and ugly. There were some extenuating circumstances behind the extreme living it up partying that I'm not going to get into but lets just say it was a group effort and we were carpe-ing the diem big time. And whatever, there is always an excuse. I can justify any bad behavior anytime. (I can name that tune in 3 notes!!)

When I confessed my bad behavior to Susan, after she posed her standard morning "and how are you?" -- she replied with the blog title, why did you do that after all of your hard work?!

Well, and here is where I could denounce my brazen ways and then wax poetic about how I'm going to do better and be better and whatever. And there would be truth in both of those sentiments.  But, let's face it --  I'm not going to be that girl who has a life-changing epiphany and suddenly runs marathons and eats raw food and stops drinking and always skips dessert and always measures portions and never has seconds. I am not that girl. Shit, I don't even want to be that girl. Can you imagine if I were?! First, how boring would I be and more importantly how boring would my blog be?!

I believe one day I am going to get to my goal weight. I promise that I am never going to stop reaching for that dream. Never stop trying to improve and evolve. That's who I am too. Does that dream change with one weekend of overindulgence and regret? No. Past history tells me that it's multiple days and weekends ad nauseum that lead up to giving up on myself. It's giving up on myself that leads to giving up on myself.

If I try to be that girl who doesn't make mistakes and is always on point - that's a bigger recipe for failure than my weekend binges. In fact, I'll also say that one ingredient that led to my demise was just such a thing. I had spent the week being on the wagon and as soon as I could cut loose - I cut loose. Like a run amok Macy's Parade balloon, I was gone!  My usual plan of action is to incorporate a little bit of daily indulgence (read as: 1-2 glasses of wine) instead of cold turkey during the week.  That's right, kids -- this is not an amateur move.  Only I could figure out a way to justify why I need to drink more instead of less. :)

So, why would I do that after all that hard work?

Well, if for no other reason, so I could have something to write about to Susan and my 3 other readers.  Have a great week!

(((HUGS)))

Heather

The Challenge of Being Supported

I skipped a work out tonight.  I'm not thrilled with myself, but I am operating on 4 hours of sleep and not making the best decisions.  Frankly, it would have been a crappy workout on this little sleep.  I'm only up right now so I can stay awake long enough to go to bed at a normal time.

And to write to you...

As I mentioned, I have joined a weight loss challenge/support group on Facebook.  It's really been interesting watching all of the posts as the challenge gets started.  I've kind of been lurking on the board, to some extent, because I'm challenged with how I want to come across.  (But since a link to this blog is out there, perhaps that ship will have sailed...)  I'm used to kind of being on my own with my weight loss journey.  I mean, I have friends that I commiserate with and friends who occasionally get involved with my work out endeavors.  So I'm used to sharing, but most of my true emoting and processing and "here's what I'm proud of's" -- I'm used to sharing here.  And while people comment on my posts, it's not the same.  I don't want to come across as been there done that, because I'm not done.  I'm a work in progress.  And I'm not trying to race to the weight loss finish line, because I understand that I need to take this at my own pace if I want to keep it off.  That's the way that works for me.   Sure, I'd love to average a big weight loss weekly, but it's not realistic at what I'm currently ready and willing to commit to.  Everyone knows how much I love Weight Watchers, but I don't want to cram it down the group's throat.  I mean, it's what works for me and keeps me accountable.

One thing that I really love is that the group is trying to get active and we've already planned an outing together this weekend.  I confess that I cringe whenever someone talks about how much they hate working out or dread joining a gym or something along those lines.  There is so much I want to say about that.  I don't know to say it there, so I'm going to say it here and if they happen to read -- well, I hope I don't offend anyone as this is not my intent...  If you hate working out, you should not do it.  I'm not kidding.  You don't need to go to a gym and sweat your brains out and dead lift 50 lbs to lose weight.  You do, however, need to be active.  More active than you already are.  But that could really mean almost anything, couldn't it?   But the most important thing to realize is that it can mean something really small.  The reason I am a proponent of this is because it worked for me before.  When I lost all of my weight the first time (see The History of this Fat), I started very, very slowly.  I joined Weight Watchers and didn't really work out at first -- just followed the program.  That was going really well, so I started walking.  Not a lot.  Just at lunch and breaks at work.  Eventually I added some weight training but this was still a little bit and nothing crazy.  I did it on my breaks because I was lucky enough to have a gym at my job.  But, the point is that I didn't do a lot and over the course of a year I lost 50 pounds.  Sure, it took a year but so?  It's taken me twice as long as that this time because I'm nowhere near as committed as I was then.  And that's the key take away, for me, be committed.  Find something that works for you and do that.  There are lots of posts about really drastic, full on life changes and frankly it makes me nervous for the people posting that.  But that's because that would never work for me.
...
And that's why I'm having a hard time posting there.  I know what changes will work for me.  I know what I am comfortable with.  They perhaps feel the same.  I do not want to push my slo-mo methods on them.  I am so excited to have a support group and people to do group activities with.  I think that could be very, very cool.  But I don't necessarily want to tell you what I had for lunch or talk about how much water I had or even that I skipped a work out tonight.  I'm not thrilled with myself, but I am operating on 4 hours of sleep and not making the best decisions. 
   Oh wait...   :)

(((HUGS))))

Heather

Reflection on perception and whatnot

Last week I had a couple of interesting conversations with work friends that I thought were worth sharing.

One conversation I confess to being such a head-scratcher that I'm  still marinating over the answer.  I was asked how long does a pound have to be lost for it to be considered lost?  I have never thought about this.  My weight fluctuates up and down all the time but eventually I'll get over a hump and start trending downward again.  I guess I don't look at it a pound at a time but rather the year as a whole.  Whatever the net loss is for the year, then I consider that gone.  Especially if I have maintained that loss.  So, a pound is really lost when the loss has been maintained.  I guess that period of time for the maintaining is up to your personal interpretation.

The second conversation was a real eye-opener.  My friend said that she wasn't like me, that I'm a self-motivator.  This totally cracked me up.  I asked why on Earth she thought I was a self-motivator? She said because I sign up for challenges or set goals for myself and then I actually follow through with them.  And when I stepped out of myself and looked at this from an outsider's perspective, I thought it never even occurred to me that anyone would perceive it that way.  In fact, I sign up for challenges or set goals for myself because I am NOT a self-motivator and need the external motivation of the goal in order to push towards something.  I have to have a goal to strive for in order to keep going.  If I'm just working out to work out, well who cares?  But if I'm participating in a weight loss challenge and a team is depending on me, then that's a reason to keep going.  If I am signed up for a 5k, then I better get to training so I don't die during the event.

And that's where I'm at now.  I am shooting to do the Shamrock 8k, but the extra distance is intimidating me.  BFF Tina has been my external motivation and we're working on a Couch to 5k plan, which I guess will then be expanded to get to the full 8k.  We did our first trial dreadmill run this past Saturday, doing 90 seconds alternating walk/run.  Time is funny isn't it?  The 90 seconds of running took WAY longer than the 90 seconds of walking!  I made most of the intervals, but there was one that I skipped out on due to cramping.  And it was the first time that I forgot to take dreadmill pictures after so I don't even know what the time was!  FAIL!  I think it was around 48 minutes.  Then there was a small attempt at ab work, but my heart wasn't in it.  (Shocker!) Just as well, even with the little bit my abs are sore and my thighs were definitely feeling the burn from the squats.

I've joined a weight loss challenge on Facebook with a group of mostly old friends.  The leader is still working out the details, but it's nice to have a group to swap stories with.  We're all at different stages in our journey -- some of us have been working on it for a while, some are just getting started.  It's really interesting to read about everyone's different perspectives and plans.  I won't lie, I'm happy that I'm not just getting started.   (Just getting started again - ha!)  I'm looking at about 40 more pounds to go to get to my goal, but I am also looking back at the 35 I've already lost.  Maybe I'll get to my goal by the group's deadline, maybe I won't -- but I'll continue to get healthier and stronger while trying to get there, and isn't that the most important thing?

(((HUGS)))
Heather

Getting back on track

Second quickie workout at Planet Fitness.  I am strongly considering making the full on move...  I really hate having two gym memberships and I'm not really feeling paying almost twice as much monthly for my old gym.  My new gym is way bigger, way snazzier and offers way more benefits. My old gym?  Well, it's a scosh closer.  So, if I do finally start doing those early morning workouts again (cue non-stop laughter), there is a slight advantage to the old gym.  But, I don't know if it's enough of an advantage to earn my money.  

I guess I'm just shaking up things all over.  Went back to fat church tonight and went to a different meeting so a friend could come with me.  I really loved the vibe in my old meeting, but there are some factors that are keeping me out including just the timing.  And a slight focus on routine tonight  as a meeting topic really helped seal the deal that I'm going in the right direction.  

Here's the plan and I hope you can help keep me on track.  I'm starting out relatively slowly with a plan to workout at a gym three days a week -- Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  In addition to the gym on Thursdays, that's going to be my regular fat church day so it'll be a long day.  I think this is a reasonable goal to keep.  

And look -- I'm not so far off, even with my 2 month hiatus.  I did a 15 minute mile, which isn't too far from where I was at the 5k.  It may have been faster, but when I can't jog I try to jack up the incline in between so I'm still getting an extra workout.  I think this affects my time, but whatever.  I'm not trying to set the world on fire.

Anyways, I'm really happy about where 2013 is starting.  In fact, I'm just pretty happy in general.  It's kind of a weird feeling for me, frankly.  I'm just not used to generally feeling happy.  Especially when my house is a mess and there's been some family tension and work is weird (coming back to reality has been so much harder than I thought) and... Well, you get the idea.  I just feel like I'm coming into myself.  And that makes me happy.  It turns out -- I really like me.  Who knew?

(((HUGS)))

            Heather

I said I would and I did!

I'm starting off 2013 right. Got to the gym and got 30 minutes in on the elliptical. I wasn't setting the world on fire, but given that I woke up with a significant wheeze after an awesome night ringing in the new year - I'll take it! Signed up at a new gym and for the price I am going to keep two memberships for a while. 2013 is starting with my weight at 194. Frankly, I know most people would be alarmed by this, but I figure that is down 16 lbs from where I was a year ago. While I would obviously be happier losing more quickly, I know I don't do all the work I need to do to lose faster. And if I maintain a weight loss of just over a pound a month then that means I am maintaining a weight loss. Which means it is truly lost. What's not to love about that? The first year I maintained a 19 lb loss and now 16. Its not fast but if it really is lost -- and I still get to overindulge and enjoy life, it works!

I'm very excited for what 2013 has to bring!

(((Hugs)))
Heather