post script

  Now it's 10:49 pm and I'm back home.  I've had several cries.  I'm not going to be able to explain the nervous breakdown to you, though I may find myself trying.  I am not an athlete.  I don't have an athlete's brain.  When I'm letting people down who are counting on me to pull through, it's emotionally crippling.  And then the hamster in my brain gets to be spinning, spinning, spinning and I can't get him to stop.  Because now its not just this set back, it's every single setback that has ever occurred and created this person who is over 200 lbs and can't figure out how to get her act together once and for all.  Or has it figured out, but doesn't have that inner thing to make it happen.  Same end result.

I'm just tired of this mental game.  I really, really want to just be this person who can do things and rise above and reach down to the bottom of my soul and push and all that. 

I don't want to be this fat my whole life.  But not because I don't want to be fat.  It's not really about the fat, it's what the fat represents that I want to get rid of.  If I could be 200lbs but be confident and strong and, I don't know, have self-esteem -- well, that would be the ticket, wouldn't it?

You get that, don't you? 

Some of my readers have never really had a weight problem.  Some of you have.  But it's all the same isn't it?  I may poo-poo your desire to lose 5 lbs, but 5 can just as easily be 50 and no matter what it's this number staring at you that you judge yourself for and examine all of your choices and consider the meaning of life. 

This is what made me start putting this journey on the web to begin with.  Or at least why I continued.  Because it's not easy.  You need to know that you are not alone when you try and fail and try and fail and try and fail...  Maybe you don't care that you're not alone?  Then this isn't the blog for you.  Maybe you don't care.  Maybe you believe that your struggle is different.  And that belief is rightly so.  Your struggle IS different.  You know what makes it the same?  It's a struggle.  It is hard to be healthy.  It is hard to get strong.  You face adversity and haters on every corner.  Some of the haters are even disguised as supporters.  It's a tricky game. 

Maybe I won't ever jump on a box.  Maybe I won't ever compete in a triathlon.  Or be able to run a 5k.  But I'm hoping that I keep trying to dabble in these goals.  Because in doing so, I can only get a little stronger, a little more confident and maybe find that self-esteem that I continue to look for.

Whew....  Emotionally exhausted.

love to you all!
Heather