Funny thing about that sassy post, it had a bit of a bad outcome. I was feeling so sassy that I decided to wear my cute boot-shoes (what the heck are those things called? Booties? Booes?) that night instead of my more sensible tennis shoes... That decision was made despite the fact that we had to walk a few blocks back and forth to the metro (we were in DC). The fashion over function debate that all women face whenever there is an outing. Yeah, bad decision. I have wound up straining or pulling or something to my left calf and STILL cannot stand up without a bit of a "unh" that is OH so sexy!
So, consequently, I have been skipping the gym. Because let's be honest, I'm still at that stage (aka my entire life) where getting a hangnail seems like a good reason to go the gym. It gets better and easier, but then anything happens and I'm right back to being ready to just embrace fatness again. To paraphrase Kiosk, most of the easiest, most relaxing times are when I decide to just keep it on. And I struggle with that a lot. After the sassy post, we spent some time with Scott's sister, because she was the reason we went to DC. She is teeny tiny thin and it's impossible not to feel like a dumpy giant next to her. Even though I knew that it's not even physically possible to be that thin, not that I would ever even want to do the amount of work that it would take to stay that thin -- I just felt frumpy. And I've been trying to shake off that ghost since then.
And it's particularly hard to shake the feeling when I'm NOT feeling like going to the gym. Or when I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits and catch a look in the mirror and think that I so do not look as cute in mirrors as I feel in my head and how grotesquely unfair is that. Because then my favorite outfit isn't my favorite outfit anymore?? Which means I have to go shopping and who wants to shop when they feel frumpy??
One of the things I've really been focusing on to try to shake the frumpiness is one of my epiphanies about what I have accomplished this year. In one of my earliest confessions I told you that my weight was 230.8. That was when I was getting ready to join Weight Watchers the first time. Since I have started trying to re-focus, I have been weighing myself daily (more on this in another blog) and I've stayed hovering around the 210 mark. My lowest this year was 204. I've been focusing on the fact that I gained 6 lbs back, but I have decided to shift my thinking and realize that despite all of my jumping off the wagon I have managed to keep off 20 lbs this year. That is 2 pounds a month. Most people would not be happy with losing 2 pounds a month and I say -- good on you! If you can lose more AND keep it off for good, that is great. But I've been there. I've lost 50 pounds. 50. That's not easy and (obviously) it's not easy to keep it off. If I continue to average 2 lbs a month until I get to a size I'm comfortable with, I think that's an average that is sustainable for a lifetime. Maybe I'll get to a point where I get more focused and want to lose more. And then, good on future me!
But as for present me -- I'm just trying to find life support to get out of this frumpy feeling and get back to sassssy.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sassy Cat
I've started enjoying taking pictures again. And seeing myself in pictures. Because even though I still look fat, now I know I will look back and think, "I remember how that felt. Starting to feel sassy again.".
And man, I just want to keep feeling sassy!!
And man, I just want to keep feeling sassy!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dreadmill
I keep photos of my dreadmill stats... I used to be good about then going back and logging them, but now I just take the photos out of habit.
Trying to get down to average 15:00 min/mile but have a ways to get there.
Have a great day - I know mine will be at least a teeny bit better now!
:)
Heather
Trying to get down to average 15:00 min/mile but have a ways to get there.
Have a great day - I know mine will be at least a teeny bit better now!
:)
Heather
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Oh dear. It may be on...
I can blog from my iPhone? Easily??
Shut the front door y'all - there may be updates and sweaty photos now.
Here's one just to get you started...
Shut the front door y'all - there may be updates and sweaty photos now.
Here's one just to get you started...
Thursday, October 13, 2011
"So this is what commitment feels like"*
I'm trying to get back in to blogging, as you can hopefully see, but every time I fail at a commitment I made to myself I think, "I don't want to write about THAT! I can't tell them that happened..."
But I guess that's supposed to be the point, isn't it? It can't be all running and staying on the wagon and eating rice cakes (:::shudder:::), now can it? (Shut up, I know it was never like that!)
It's going to be falling off the wagon and strapping on a bag of Tostito's like it's feedbag (AKA Tuesday) and one day last week where I think I consumed almost nothing but sugar and caffeine. (That was so bad that I did almost blog about it to get away from the shame, but I was probably too wired to form coherent thoughts about it.) The question is do I write about that? Do I want to publicize my descent? Do I think NOT publicizing it will mean it's not happening?
Well, yeah, I think there's a part of me that definitely thinks that. Not like an active conscious thought, exactly... I was talking to Kiosk about her sugar trigger, because she is coming up on a difficult time frame to deal with that. She asked me for advice on how to deal with it, even though she acknowledged that she didn't really expect me to have any. (Gee, thanks!) I suggested exposing herself -- not literally perv. She has a cake batter weakness because no one is around to see her eating it when she makes a cake. I suggested invite someone over to her ostensibly to "help" make the cake, but really they're helping by not leaving her alone with the cake batter.
And then I thought, "doctor, heal thyself." Because that's my thing. If I don't blog about my failures, then that's like snarfing the cake batter alone, isn't it? If I commit to something and then don't follow through, what difference does it make if I'm committing it to myself? No one is there to see when I screw up. Again.
Here are just a few of the things I have recently committed to and not followed through: not drinking during the week, working out at least three times a week, following the plan at Spark People and you get the idea. I commit to doing something or commit to avoiding something but the end result is the same: lots of not following through followed by strapping on a bag of Tostito's and the cycle continues.
The problem is that I can't just not try to commit, because that's not going anywhere good. So, I think what I'm going to do is just commit to one thing at a time. Once I've fully embraced that commitment and it's become a habit then I'm going to move on to another thing. Because right now if I have wine at night, that's a shame spiral. And if I don't track what I eat, then that's another excuse to have a calorie ball because I'm already in the shame spiral from not tracking it in the first place. Sometimes I think I make commitments just so I can break them and dive in to the shame spiral. (Epiphany!) So, that's not going anywhere good either. I don't know if this is the best plan towards success. After all, I still hold a hope that I will end the year in the onederland. But, I do know that since I have started to get back on track, I have only been successful with one thing at a time. (Eww, kind of a bit like AA, one day at a time...) So, I'm going to get back to being regular with the gym and once I have firmly accomplished that then I'm going to work on layering from that.
I will also try to keep blogging as I go. But, that is TWO things so... ;-)
Heather
*PS* Note on title: Because I signed up for Spark People, I have been inundated with motivation emails. Sometimes they are short parts of board posts from their in-sight bloggers. This was the title of one that I did a rare save in my inbox so that every time I checked my mail I saw that. I kept thinking that I too wanted to know what commitment feels like. But, not in a cheesy annoying way -- in a way that's more kick-ass then that particular post turned out to be.
But I guess that's supposed to be the point, isn't it? It can't be all running and staying on the wagon and eating rice cakes (:::shudder:::), now can it? (Shut up, I know it was never like that!)
It's going to be falling off the wagon and strapping on a bag of Tostito's like it's feedbag (AKA Tuesday) and one day last week where I think I consumed almost nothing but sugar and caffeine. (That was so bad that I did almost blog about it to get away from the shame, but I was probably too wired to form coherent thoughts about it.) The question is do I write about that? Do I want to publicize my descent? Do I think NOT publicizing it will mean it's not happening?
Well, yeah, I think there's a part of me that definitely thinks that. Not like an active conscious thought, exactly... I was talking to Kiosk about her sugar trigger, because she is coming up on a difficult time frame to deal with that. She asked me for advice on how to deal with it, even though she acknowledged that she didn't really expect me to have any. (Gee, thanks!) I suggested exposing herself -- not literally perv. She has a cake batter weakness because no one is around to see her eating it when she makes a cake. I suggested invite someone over to her ostensibly to "help" make the cake, but really they're helping by not leaving her alone with the cake batter.
And then I thought, "doctor, heal thyself." Because that's my thing. If I don't blog about my failures, then that's like snarfing the cake batter alone, isn't it? If I commit to something and then don't follow through, what difference does it make if I'm committing it to myself? No one is there to see when I screw up. Again.
Here are just a few of the things I have recently committed to and not followed through: not drinking during the week, working out at least three times a week, following the plan at Spark People and you get the idea. I commit to doing something or commit to avoiding something but the end result is the same: lots of not following through followed by strapping on a bag of Tostito's and the cycle continues.
The problem is that I can't just not try to commit, because that's not going anywhere good. So, I think what I'm going to do is just commit to one thing at a time. Once I've fully embraced that commitment and it's become a habit then I'm going to move on to another thing. Because right now if I have wine at night, that's a shame spiral. And if I don't track what I eat, then that's another excuse to have a calorie ball because I'm already in the shame spiral from not tracking it in the first place. Sometimes I think I make commitments just so I can break them and dive in to the shame spiral. (Epiphany!) So, that's not going anywhere good either. I don't know if this is the best plan towards success. After all, I still hold a hope that I will end the year in the onederland. But, I do know that since I have started to get back on track, I have only been successful with one thing at a time. (Eww, kind of a bit like AA, one day at a time...) So, I'm going to get back to being regular with the gym and once I have firmly accomplished that then I'm going to work on layering from that.
I will also try to keep blogging as I go. But, that is TWO things so... ;-)
Heather
*PS* Note on title: Because I signed up for Spark People, I have been inundated with motivation emails. Sometimes they are short parts of board posts from their in-sight bloggers. This was the title of one that I did a rare save in my inbox so that every time I checked my mail I saw that. I kept thinking that I too wanted to know what commitment feels like. But, not in a cheesy annoying way -- in a way that's more kick-ass then that particular post turned out to be.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A New Auld Lang Syne
Many people know that one of my blog-spirations is the blog created by Ms. Bitchcakes, because she's a former fat girl who fell in love with exercise. She also has a blog over at Weight Watchers and a recent post got me thinking....
In this post, she talks about how a simple question from her allergist gave her the foundation for the inspiration to be a runner. Something she never thought she would be or do and now she is preparing for the 2012 NYC Marathon. Now, I don't want to be a marathon runner, but I would like to be able to run. I have always seen this as something that other people do. I don't run, because I'm not those people. And I think I look like a dork. And I have to breathe really hard and I tend to pray for death. I mean, I don't call it the dreadmill for nothing.
But, you see, I am frequently reminded of a simple question that someone asked me and it's one of the driving forces as I get s l o w l y back into my work out routine. I alluded to it in this post. I was still working out at the gym at the office. I had a disappointing work-out because I was using the dreadmill (that was the change in my cardio I was referring to) and felt like I didn't really get it in. As I was walking out, my now boss was leaving work for the day. We didn't really know each other, other then the fact that he hung out with the people in my cube quad... In fact, I know that this conversation made no impression on him because it was one of those weird after-work awkward pleasantries exchange -- you know the kind you do because the only thing you have in common with this person is that you are stuck walking in the exact same direction to your parking lot? Made further awkward because someone smells like a gym and someone doesn't? Yeah. Anyhoo, what he said was "did you have a good work-out Heather?" And because he didn't know me, I'm POSITIVE that he was probably only expecting some trite answer like "yeah, sure" -- instead of my response, which was "No, frankly, it was a bit disappointing."
I'm sure I followed it with something along the lines of, anything's better than nothing or whatever. But the fact that I responded with expressing my disappointment -- I have never forgotten that. Because that is a feeling that I struggled to get away from when I was "in it to win it" earlier this year and it's a struggle to get away from now.
But, the thing is that when gaining and losing weight is your primary hobby -- every stage is familiar. After New Year's Day, if you blow that -- well you just declare another day New Year's Day and THAT'S the day by gosh that is really going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Except it's not.
Because the first day of the rest of my life started over 38 years ago. All the rest? Well, that's just been my life.
And today is just today.
It was one of those weird stupid a-ha moments this morning. "Today is just today." It's not the first day of anything, it's not the last day of anything. There's nothing that I do today that is going to necessarily be the beginning -- or the end -- of anything. Today is just today. And today I just have to do the best job that I can to not feel disappointed by myself and the effort that I give to this progression. And tomorrow, I'm probably going to have to do that too -- but that's tomorrow. I'm going to let that work itself out. Today is just today. I'm just going to work on today and the things that I can do today.
Today, I did get up and go to the gym. And I did a 5 minute elliptical warm up and then I got on that dreadmill and I manage to do an under 16 minute mile. Will I do that tomorrow? Don't know. Because that's tomorrow's problem. Today is just today. Today I did not drink at night after yet another long day. I did not have the extra cup of coffee I was starting to get a little too dependent on. I managed to avoid eating a fair amount of crap. And today, I got on the scale and decided to stop kidding myself. Today I stared at my weight and realized that I was kiddding myself before. Because I've been to the gym a few times, I've forgiven myself a whole host of unacceptable behavior and have actually gained 3 pounds (or more) since I started back. Today, I decided to forgive myself.
And that was the most important decision of all. Will I be able to make that decision tomorrow? Will my work out be disappointing?
Don't know. I'm stil in today.
Heather
In this post, she talks about how a simple question from her allergist gave her the foundation for the inspiration to be a runner. Something she never thought she would be or do and now she is preparing for the 2012 NYC Marathon. Now, I don't want to be a marathon runner, but I would like to be able to run. I have always seen this as something that other people do. I don't run, because I'm not those people. And I think I look like a dork. And I have to breathe really hard and I tend to pray for death. I mean, I don't call it the dreadmill for nothing.
But, you see, I am frequently reminded of a simple question that someone asked me and it's one of the driving forces as I get s l o w l y back into my work out routine. I alluded to it in this post. I was still working out at the gym at the office. I had a disappointing work-out because I was using the dreadmill (that was the change in my cardio I was referring to) and felt like I didn't really get it in. As I was walking out, my now boss was leaving work for the day. We didn't really know each other, other then the fact that he hung out with the people in my cube quad... In fact, I know that this conversation made no impression on him because it was one of those weird after-work awkward pleasantries exchange -- you know the kind you do because the only thing you have in common with this person is that you are stuck walking in the exact same direction to your parking lot? Made further awkward because someone smells like a gym and someone doesn't? Yeah. Anyhoo, what he said was "did you have a good work-out Heather?" And because he didn't know me, I'm POSITIVE that he was probably only expecting some trite answer like "yeah, sure" -- instead of my response, which was "No, frankly, it was a bit disappointing."
I'm sure I followed it with something along the lines of, anything's better than nothing or whatever. But the fact that I responded with expressing my disappointment -- I have never forgotten that. Because that is a feeling that I struggled to get away from when I was "in it to win it" earlier this year and it's a struggle to get away from now.
But, the thing is that when gaining and losing weight is your primary hobby -- every stage is familiar. After New Year's Day, if you blow that -- well you just declare another day New Year's Day and THAT'S the day by gosh that is really going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Except it's not.
Because the first day of the rest of my life started over 38 years ago. All the rest? Well, that's just been my life.
And today is just today.
It was one of those weird stupid a-ha moments this morning. "Today is just today." It's not the first day of anything, it's not the last day of anything. There's nothing that I do today that is going to necessarily be the beginning -- or the end -- of anything. Today is just today. And today I just have to do the best job that I can to not feel disappointed by myself and the effort that I give to this progression. And tomorrow, I'm probably going to have to do that too -- but that's tomorrow. I'm going to let that work itself out. Today is just today. I'm just going to work on today and the things that I can do today.
Today, I did get up and go to the gym. And I did a 5 minute elliptical warm up and then I got on that dreadmill and I manage to do an under 16 minute mile. Will I do that tomorrow? Don't know. Because that's tomorrow's problem. Today is just today. Today I did not drink at night after yet another long day. I did not have the extra cup of coffee I was starting to get a little too dependent on. I managed to avoid eating a fair amount of crap. And today, I got on the scale and decided to stop kidding myself. Today I stared at my weight and realized that I was kiddding myself before. Because I've been to the gym a few times, I've forgiven myself a whole host of unacceptable behavior and have actually gained 3 pounds (or more) since I started back. Today, I decided to forgive myself.
And that was the most important decision of all. Will I be able to make that decision tomorrow? Will my work out be disappointing?
Don't know. I'm stil in today.
Heather
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