Other things to work on

In addition to needing to work on losing half of myself, I need to figure out a way to regain the self-esteem I lost when I got this way.

I feel so much more awkward in social situations than I used to and it's because of how uncomfortable I am with how I look. And the frustrating thing is that I've looked like this for a while now, but it's like I woke up one morning... It's the Emperor's New Clothes! Everyone knew I was fat but me and now I think that they've been pointing and laughing at me this whole time for being fat and not realizing it.

Well, not that I didn't know I was fat, that's ridiculous. Of course, I knew. But, I didn't care for a while because I was just a little fat. Ha! Anyway, I continued to be "okay" with being a "little fat" because I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do to not be. So, a little fat turned into a little bit more fat and then a little bit more fat and then the next thing I knew, I was standing next to fat people and they were asking me to commiserate with them. And at first I was like, why does she think I can relate to that? And then, I don't know, I found a mirror. And realized how much I have been avoiding mirrors in order to keep up my delusion that I was just a little fat.

So.

On the one hand, now that I have this attitude of trying (TRYING!) to do something about it, I feel like I should be allowed to wear some kind of sign that says "Hey, I'm working on it!" You know, so people know.

Because the thing is that people who have never been fat have no FUCKING idea how hard it is. None. They just think why doesn't she just eat right and exercise? Is she actually going to eat that? Why is she taking the elevator - no wonder she's fat? And I know this because times in my life when I have not been this ginormous I have thought those same things. And even, mortifyingly enough, preached them to people. Because, much like the blog authors of the blog's I'm following, I truly, truly believed that if I could do it and get it to work for ME, then anyone could be successful. And that was that re-found self-esteem.

What people who have never been fat (we've got to come up with a name for them other than skinny bitches) don't realize is that even when you get that drive to eat right and exercise, it's still hard as hell. You don't just run around the block and lose 10 pounds. And you definitely don't run around the block and suddenly have everyone stop looking at you as a fat person -- because they don't know you just ran around the block! Because again, it's not like you can wear a sign.

And would you want to? That's a whole other Pandora's box. Because I'm working out at work, I'm forced to see people who know me and see that I'm working out. And you see that look that they give you of support and encouragement. Or that's how it's meant, I am guessing, but to me it just feels condescending as fuck. Hey, look at you -- you realized you were fat! Good for you! Sweat it out girl! Because this flies directly in the face of me not wanting to talk about it. And I know that I don't want to talk about it, because I fear failure. And if I don't tell you that I'm doing these things, then I don't have to talk about my progress and how it's going and how much did I work out and oh, am I going to EAT that?!

All of these spiralling thoughts are what got me out of my cozy bed at 7:15 on a Saturday morning.

Basically, my fat woke me up. To berate me for being fat. And I'm just so over it. So, I'm going to keep walking around the block and trying to do better and forgive myself for my indulgences last night and just keep holding on. And try to find that self-esteem along the way.