No, really - don't ask

I wrote a whole thing and it got lost.

It went something like this.

I know that I am putting this in the WWW, but it's not because I want to "talk" about it. I don't want to talk about it. But I need to write about it and get it out of my head. Hence, the new attempt at renewed blogging. So, please understand, that if you call me and want to talk about what you're reading, that I'm not going to want to do it. You can comment, if you want. You can email if you want, though I may not respond. This is hard, this thing. It's not that I think you don't understand but...

Well, what if I fail? Again? I can't stand to have that out there.

Sooo, I feel bad that I don't want to talk about it, because it's my friend Julia is the one who got me turned on to weight loss blogs in general. She says I started it because of one I found, but that turned her on to more and more. I started reading them and this journey that I had decided to start really blossomed.

But, the problem is that these journeys that she got hooked on are coming to somewhat of an end for these folks. Well, not an end. When you battle with your weight, there is never, ever an end. There's always work to be done. It's a change in attitude, it's a lifestyle, whatever. But, still -- these folks have gotten down to the weight that they want to be at and are now high on life and sharing the good news.

Yeah, I'm about "the good news", but I'm still in the bad news portion of the show.

So, here are some of the reasons that I'm scared that I'm not ready to change.

I don't want to talk about it! Ha! I mean, it's me -- I talk about everything. To death. But, I really don't want to talk about it, because I'm not ready to accept people's opinions about what I want to do and how I should do it and what's right and what's wrong. I know that's narrow-minded and probably wrong.

In other weight loss blogs that I have read, the writer will post their starting weight. Nope, not ready for that. I'm not ready for you to know that number that is assigned to all of this. I am hoping to retrospectively post that once I get going. And was very inspired by one of the bloggers who had his starting number tattoed on his arm -- I think that's nifty and really think that if I do this that this may be my next tattoo. Maybe as a time on a clock? A melting Salvador Dali watch? Hmmm...

But mostly, it's because I'm not diving in. But is this wrong? I think this is the Julia influence in my life. Julia learned that caffeine was detrimental, so bam - stops drinking it. Cold turkey. CA-razy. I mean, I love her but this kind of fanaticism has no place in my life.

So, that's not me. I've tried many things through the years and some of them were successful, but if they had been truly successful I wouldn't be back in this boat again.

My current plan is to baby-step my way into some permanent changes. Work on those changes until they stick and then start making more changes.

It's not necessarily the FAT that is the problem. It's the lack of control. I can't do things physically that I want to be able to do. Or at least, I want to be the kind of person who wants to do these things but in order to be able to resemble her I need to be in control. More fit.

So, what I'm baby-stepping (that sounds funny) in now is working out and drinking less. Not stopping drinking and not working out daily. I try to do anything forever, and fuhgeddaboutit.

This past week, I worked out 3 nights after work. For about 20 minutes each time. I didn't have any alcohol Monday through Thursday, fell off the wagon Friday big time, and then not again last night. For your average, every day non-part-time alcholic, this is no big deal, but trust me that around here that is a LOT of non-drinking. A lot of temptation ducking.

The working out is the hardest part. I've never been someone who is about exercise. Other people make it seem so effortless. I mean, they sweat and stuff but they don't look like they're going to keel over and die afterwards. I'm not kidding, I hate these people. At least while I'm working out. I just want them all to leave. I feel so awkward. On the one hand, I don't think that they care what I look like or if I stay for 5 minutes or 5 hours, but it's just hard to make myself believe that. It's the only child thing, I guess. And, I look at them. So why would they not look at me? And judge me?

I've been going to the gym at work. I thought the proximity would be the easiest, but I think perhaps that the anonymity of strangers in a gym will be better for me eventually. I should have the money for that soon enough.

Anyways, here's post number one. We'll see how this goes...