Wistful

I miss the unbridled indulgence.  I can't lie about that.  I'm an overindulger.  I know this, you know this, the wine store knows this...

And it's not like I don't still overindulge.  But it's not unbridled.  Even when I let loose and really fall down (ha -- sometimes literally!), I've still got a calculator running in the back of my head or I can feel a finger wagging in my head or something...    And while I KNOW that this is a good thing to get me to where I want to be and all that... Sometimes I just want to eat out of the bag of Doritos while standing in the pantry, you know?  Eat a cookie without thinking about how many points it is.  Not worry about how much exercise I'm getting.

I miss being fat.  I mean, I'm still pretty overweight, but I weigh 35 pounds less than I was when I started this blog last year.  And when you weigh 229, you can eat as many cookies as you want, take the elevator, eat 3 pieces of pizza, drink a bottle of wine and eat popcorn for dinner, et cetera.  You can be a slobby mcslobberson.

But you're not going to be happy.  You'll just be faking it.

I am enjoying getting my activity in.  I do enjoy the challenge of figuring out what to eat and how to maximize my points.  I'm still learning how to do both of those things better.  But am I ever going to get to a place where I can satisfy my stress by not wanting to eat or overindulge?  I'm still not there.

Work in progress as ever,

Heather