the brain is willing

I'm still struggling with self-motivation. Every bit of exercise I do, I try to give myself credit for. But, also try to not make that a reason to eat a cheesecake.

Or drink a bottle of wine.

Or, well you get the idea.

The blogs on the right help a lot. Ms. Bitchcakes is probably my biggest motivator. You just get the idea if you met her, she'd be your cheerleader and giving you pointers and stuff. And she was like me -- sedentary and really hated exercise. But, way more glamourous than I -- she has full hair, make-up (including lashes) and jewelry while she works out. She even rides her bike in heels! CA-razy cool!

Here's my deal. My brain is willing, but because it's willing it doesn't understand when my body hurts. And it inhibits my motivation. It's hard to work up the nerve to go do something that I know is going to hurt. How do I get over that? It's really a struggle.

I know that my biggest issue is failure to stretch. I need to work on that. I think I'd hurt a lot less if I stretched. But, how long to stretch? Because even when I feel like I get a good stretch in, just a few minutes into the treadmill my calves seize and I'm toast. It's very frustrating.

If my ultimate goal is to be able to run one day, how can I get there if I can't even use the freaking treadmill? I've tried warming up longer, I've tried using different inclines, I'm doing it manually. I used to be a treadmill snob -- I just thought it was so "easy." It's just walking, I do that all the time. HA! Obviously not! My inability to walk on the treadmill is actually the primary reason that I started mixing up my cardio. I am working up to 30 minutes, as I've said, and it's a combination of treadmill, elliptical and stairmaster. But, I still feel strangely like this is "cheating" and that it doesn't count unless I can do 30 straight minutes on one machine. Maybe because my heart rate drops while I switch machines? Maybe because I don't feel like I"m going to die afterwards?

Do I NEED to feel like I'm going to die? That just doesn't seem right. If I'm not drenched in sweat, does that mean I didn't work out? I mean, don't get me wrong -- I'm sweaty. But, I can usually talk and I can walk and stuff.

Saturday starts the Biggest Loser competition -- and I'm getting freaked out! I'm worried the diet is going to be crazy restrictive and I have tons of challenges in the next few weeks.

'nuff rambling for now!

hugs,

Heather